Dating 2 guys at once and getting a little stressed

[euphrosyne_rose]

Hi all,
It's been over 3 years since my last serious relationship. About 6 months I started dating someone I had dated years and years ago and that flopped after about a month. Finally, last month right before Christmas, a few work friends talked me into signing up for an online dating site and almost immediately I started getting winks and emails from guys. I have to say, it certainly help to boost my self esteem a bit and a few days after I signed up, I got a message from this guy saying he liked my profile and I seemed nice so if I was interested, he thought we could chat. After a few emails back and forth, we exchanged phone numbers and started texting. He's older than I am by 7 years but age has never been a factor for me. Finally we started talking on the phone and he asked if I wanted to meet for coffee one afternoon. We planned to meet up on New Year's Day and since then we've texted, chatted on the phone and been out on at least 4 dates. So far, he seems like a great guy. We have alot in common and I really like him alot. I'm in no hurry to rush thing as I've had a habit of doing that in the past and he seems like he's the same way. He's mentioned several times how he just can't believe how much we have in common and we always laugh and have a good time when we're together. We've talked briefly about past relationships but not in depth and I am not sure if he's talking to anyone else on the site or been on other dates since he hasn't mentioned it and I haven't asked. He has not asked me about it either.

Which leads me to bachelor #2. A few days after my coffee date with #1, I got an email from 2 and we started chatting. We also seem to have alot in common and he's also a really great, nice guy so far. About 2 weeks ago we exchanged numbers and we text each other CONSTANTLY. He works an opposite schedule than I do so talking on the phone is hard to manage. After a few days of chatting, he asked if I wanted to get dinner over the weekend and I said yes. At this point, I was starting to stress a bit because NEVER in my life have I ever talked to more than one person at a time, and to be honest, usually in the past whoever I was talking with at the time ended up being a serious relationship and I never really "dated" around so to speak. #2 knows that I'm talking to someone else and he says he is too but from the amount of texting we do, he is either a great multi tasker or he doesn't talk to the other girl that often. The more we "talk", the more we find we have in common. We went to dinner and a movie this past Saturday and it was great. We both had a great time and he asked for another date which I agreed to. We are still texting each other constantly and have both been amazed lately at how much we have in common and how much we seem to think the same thing at the same time. It's been kind of funny actually.

So now, I'm kind of worrying myself over what to do. I'm not used to this situation at all. I know that right now, I'm not committed exclusively to either guy and so I'm not doing anything wrong by seeing both but something tells me #1 might not like the fact that I'm seeing someone else at the same time I'm seeing him BUT, I can't be assured he's not seeing someone else either. I really like both and I like different things about both. Each has their good points and each has something that's sort of a con. #1 keeps in touch less than #2 during the week but I've seen and talked to him more than #2. His schedule is also more flexible than #2. One thing also is that during conversation, I get the impression that #1 might not want to have kids and while I'm not quite sure of that myself yet, I would like the option to be there and I KNOW #2 wants kids. I haven't really delved that much into that topic (or marriage either) with either one simply b/c I don't want to go too fast and seem like I'm rushing or that I'm one of those girls that's only in it to find a husband b/c that's not the case. But, as things progress, they are important issues that I need to be thinking about.

My boggle right now is do I just keep going like I have been and talk to and go out with each for the time being? Should I tell #1 that I am seeing someone else too? My friends tell me they feel like unless he asks, he doesn't need to know and he can't really assume that I'm seeing just him since we are both on the same site and I can't assume he isn't either for the same reason. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and I'm afraid of it going sour on me. And then I think it could all just be that b/c I've never been in this particular situation before that I'm making it more difficult than it needs to be and since I've always just dated/talked to one person at a time, I still feel somewhat like maybe I should just concentrate on one person at a time but that's not the point of "getting out there" and seeing what's out there. I would really appreciate feedback or suggestions.

 

[Janice]

Hi Erin. First things first, GRATS on taking the plunge and putting yourself out there. I'm glad to hear it's been a positive thing for your self esteem. I don't think you're obligated to tell #1 anything at this point, so don't stress girl. It's still VERY early on for both of these relationships and there is still plenty to learn, both good and bad about both of these gentleman. You never know, Mr. Right could still be around the corner. It's nice that #2 texts more, it feels like you have more communication with him which might explain why you two have more in common. #1 sounds like he has alot of structure in his life, which isn't always a bad thing. He might be so career focused atm that he isn't thinking about starting a family at this point. That could always change so don't let it rule him out until you know his situation better. Keep your options open, the best part about dating is taking the time to really get to know someone before taking the relationship to the next level. Don't be stressed, try to enjoy the freedom of choice for a bit before things get serious with someone. And besdies, how amazing is it to have two great dates every week? You lucky girl!

 

[euphrosyne_rose]

Thanks, Janice! That does help put it into perspective. It is really nice to have 2 nice guys to look forward to spending time with and it's never dull with either so at least it's not a situation where I don't like one and can't think of how to break things off. I find physically I'm more attracted to #2 but again, we've only been out once. That's not to say I'm not attracted to #1 b/c I am. I guess I'm just a little overwhelmed (in a good way) and just can't believe that for once, this is happening to ME!! LOL.

I really am looking forward to getting to know both of them better and see what's in store but I did decide that 2 is the most I can handle at one time so I am still checking stuff out on the site but haven't agreed to any other guys. So far though, no one has asked me out that I was interested in otherwise I'd be torn!

 

[kaliraksha]

I would totally just not stress and enjoy both until one just really stuck out to you. To be honest, from what you say I think you like #2 more and might be more interested if he was exclusive. Though, in #1s shoes I would want to be told when someone I was talking to started talking to someone else. Then, it's his choice whether he's ok with that or if he likes you enough to show more time and attention and try to make it exclusive.

 

[euphrosyne_rose]

Bachelor 2 is certainly starting to come out on top. Our last date turned into a marathon and I couldn't have had a better time. All we did was have dinner and then go this place to watch some mvoies I had recommended he had never seen and we ended up talking literally ALL night. Nothing happened and he didn't make a move so I was a little worried maybe I was getting to be in the "friend" zone but I was there til 5am!! Since then we've talked every single day and gotten to know each other more and so far, I like what I see and hear. He also filled me in on the fact that he wanted to make a move when I was there but he was nervous because he really liked me and he didn't want to seem to pushy or inappropriate since it was techincally just our second date. I told him that I would've been fine with it had he tried to kiss me and that I don't believe in "dating rules". I'm definitely more of a "go with it" kind of person and you do what feels right. We're meeting up again tonight to watch movies and I think we're both anticipating the evening. Bachelor 1 canceled on me yesterday due to work reasons and when he texts me during the day (which is only every few days) it's basically a "hey, how are you" kind of thing and then he'll tell me he's busy and he'll call me later. When he does call, we're usually on the phone awhile but lately I've noticed he does most of the talking and while I do think he's a nice guy and we have alot in common, he's sort of taking things super slow and I'm still not sure if he's really in a hurry to get to know me better. We see each other maybe once a week so far and while that's fine, it's becoming a "you snooze you lose" situation in my head. I think after this weekend I'll have to really think about things and maybe make a decision then. I'm not really sure how it would go over if I told Bachelor 1 that things just weren't working out but I want to absolutely SURE before I decide on anything. I appreciate the advice and the thoughts on things!! Keep it coming!

 

[kaliraksha]

Really sounds like you are enjoying your time with Bachelor #2, hope your date goes really well

It really is a "you snooze you lose" policy for #1. Men always say that they aren't mind readers about what we want or expect from them, and I find that women are also not mind readers when it comes to really knowing how someone feels about you. I personally need the type of guy who is going to let me know how he feels about me instead of assuming that I should know, it just makes me feel more secure. I know I would be more attracted to Bachelor #2 for that reason alone, that he seems to express himself with you and let you really get to know him. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want and be ok receiving it.

 

[euphrosyne_rose]

The date went really well. We both finally talked about things and how we were both nervous with each other but we've gotten past that and things went really great. We are definitely super attracted to one another and when we're apart, we can't stop texting each other. I ended up actually spending the night (we didn't do the deed) and he brought me back home today so we could take care of some errands we both had. Already we've talked about just being exclusive and see how things go and I'm pretty excited about it. The more I kept thinking about it, I was just always so much more excited and looking forward to seeing #2 as opposed to 1 and after #2 told me he was really attracted to me and wanted to make a move but was too nervous, that sort of helped me decide too since originally I thought maybe he didn't see me that way. Now I just have to figure out how to break the news to #1. I do like him, but not nearly as much as #2 and I don't want to hurt his feelings but then again, I still don't know for sure if he's even only seeing me. It might not be that big of a deal and I'm just freaking out for nothing. The main thing is figuring out the best way to go about breaking the news b/c I don't really want to just go down the road where I just start ignoring him.

 

[jackytheripper]

I'm kind-of in a similar situation and I don't know what way to go. I'm having a lot of fun dating, I just got out of a 3 year relationship like 6 months ago. Neither of the guys are really "keepers" because I just think our values are different. They seem like kinda selfish people, I need a giver. The thing is, I'm really not looking for a long term relationship right now because I'm just not ready. I do feel bad though because I don't want to be out with one and see another. Ugg, it is kinda ridiculous. I'm glad to see that you have enough inner strength to make a choice!