HELP! My sister is being terribly abused!

[highonmac]

Hi Ladies. Sorry to burden you with this but I really need to talk to someone and get some advice. Before I go into detail lets explain the beginning.

My sister and I are 7 years a part and have a very weird relationship but we usually don't get a long. From my perspective she has always been the really bossy know it all sibling who put me down for every single thing. She would literally humiliate me in public.

Our relationship with my parents on the other hand is the same. I come from a family of a very alchoholic father and a mother with mental and emotional issues (due to her childhood). We (my sister and I) suffered emotional, mental and physical abuse and were at constant disagreement. Lately it has been fine....things have changed a little bit. My sister got married 3 years a go to a man she has been together for 6 months. It was love at first site I guess you can say although no body fully approved for there marriage. He was very good to her and was always romantic and the usual sappy stuff. I always figured the reason my sister got married so quickly was to get out of our disfunctional family. (I am acutally certain of this)

After they got married, the husband lost his jobs and since then has been doing little jobs here and there to make ends meet. Still everything was fine and dandy since my sister still brought in the majority of the income. Just this year in early January....my sister was let go from her job. Keep in mind her husband still is jobless (after 3 years of marriage) I gues the overwhelming stress of not having money irriated the dude and he began beating my sister blaming her for his downfalls and his unhappiness. She told me and her best friends and we told her that she should leave him. Abuse is something you should never have to put up with regardless of the situation. She said no, it was her fault, she was stressing him, he is stressed blah blah blah.....she said she wasn't going to leave him that it was just one time...2 or months have passed. Today I get a call at work that he had beaten her today, and badly. She has liek 7 cancussions and her face is swollen and her arm is broken. He told her that he will drop her off at my parents house (i live there too) for a week, that he doesn't wan't anything to do with her and that he will tell her what his decision is at the end of that week! I WAS LIKE WTF! I knew it was going to happen again. Apparently he beats her and laughs at the fact she can't defend her self. He calls her fat and ugly and says that nobody will like her if he left her!!! She is 26 I am 19....I dont know what to tell her but for her to elave him but again...she will not listen....

What adds to the situation is I am leaving with my friends and family friends fof a trip where I spent money for hotel and everything....I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DOOOOOOOO She doesn't want to tell my mom or dad because she is affraid that they will asy I told you sooo but I think otherwise. THey have changed a lot, and have become really understanding but this is something that is really stressing me out pelase help...anybody

 

[gildedangel]

Take pictures of her injuries and make her press charges and get a restraining order. This jackass has no right to beat his wife for any reason! Don't go on your trip, I know that you spent money on it already and everything but your sister really needs your help and support right now, and whether or not you two get along, that is more important than this trip. If you can't convince her to press charges at the very least document the injuries, take some pictures. It sounds like he has been at least verbally abusing her for longer than you say if she is really believing that she couldn't find another man. This guy is obviously dangerous and I fear for her safety. Good luck!

 

[Hilly]

Wow...abuse is never acceptable. I don't care if the abuser is so stressed he's cross eyes..there is absolutely NO EXCUSE. If your sister is embarassed to go home, there are domestic violence women's shelters. She can call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

 

[user79]

I would call the police or some kind of domestic abuse hotline and see what the options are. Even if your sister says no. Honestly, maybe next time he beats her she will end up dead or something - you never know. So I would honestly go over your sister's head.

 

[highonmac]

Thanks for the replies so far. Much advice is very much appreciated. So far I am not going on the trip I have called and canceled and I am going to tell my mother. I think she has a right to know that her daughter is being abused. (what do you think?)

 

[kammyks]

Yes please do tell your mother. Mothers have a way of making their kids listen to reason and If she knows how supportive you and your mother are being and what you are willing to do to get her through this she may just see the light. Strongly suggest councelling and do document her injuries as she may at a later stage decide to press charges or the very least get a restraining order. Good Luck.

 

[highonmac]

I believe she has been verbally abused for a long time. I just came into the udnerstanding that he gave a her a deadline to loss a huge amount of weight by a certain date, which explains why she does not eat, and joins a lot of weight loss programs and groups as well as having a going to the gym. And she keeps at them religiously. Once when she was confronted about it she nearly had a fit, saying nobody needs to tell her what to do and stuff

 

[MacAddict_Sami]

I think you HAVE to tell your parents; she needs help and support to get her out of this situation; and she NEEDS to get out of this situation, that's not even a question... Abuse is NEVER acceptable, I don't give a damn what the situations is!

 

[RedRibbon]

As the other ladies have said, take photos and report it to the police. That's the only way thugs like this understand.

I knew someone who had been beaten up by her husband for years, it was cumulative, she just thought it would get better..it didn't. He hit her whilst she was driving, she crashed the car and her oldest son who was also in the car nearly died. The husband carried on beating her and beating her. One day he strangled her and she threatened to call the police, he thought he was above the law..she phoned the police and they came and took him away. She's gotten a divorce from him and is much much happier now so my advice is as the ladies have already said, take photos, make a complaint and then sit down and talk to your sister.

If you could turn back time I would have said get yourself straight before you get married but it's not my place to be saying things like that. However maybe NOW is the time for her to get some counselling (obviously once she has healed) and get herself straight

 

[crystalclear]

I think the best option is to persuade her to go to the police or at the you to phone them, however, if she denies it to them there is little they can do (in most cases- they might make a note of it for future reference). It an even more dangerous situation if he has her believing that she some how deserves it, or if she excuses his behaviour as it means she is less likely to leave him of her own accord. Saying he is stressed is a terrible excuse, it would imply that it is normal and acceptable for men who are stressed out by unemployment to go home and batter their wives and this should be discouraged, as should every excuse then maybe she'll see this scumbag as the abnormal waste of space he is and leave him men like that do not change. I'd agree that documenting her injuries is a good idea. And telling your mother is also a good idea but be careful not to alienate her too much or she could stop talking and start suffering in silence which would make it easier for him. I think she should try to get some counselling she must be a very insecure woman to put up with this. Tell your parents she might be a bit annoyed but at least then she'll know that she can go home to them and that she doesn't have to stay with him. She does have a self defence mechanism it's called the law. She need to leave him and make it clear that it is her calling the shots, he knows that no-one would put up with him if he was known as a wife beater. I hope she gets away from him and he does time in jail, he's ruined her life she needs to get it back and I think she needs you and the rest of your family. Good luck.

 

[highonmac]

my sister was admitted to emergency and was released. she cannot move she needs to rest shes with my parents.....she needs to be woken up every half hour to make sure she does not go into a coma she has internal bruising...if pain persists and she doesn't not get better we need to call 911

 

[Okami08]

Call the police. You can report the abuse - you don't have to have her permission to do so. Tell them that your sister is being abused by her husband, and tell them the state she's in and that he did this to her. They should send out an officer to take statements and photos. It is incredibly common in domestic violence cases for the victim to refuse to testify or make statements against the perpetrator. Police and prosecutors are accustomed to dealing with this. They may not be able to convict him, but you should still call the police and report this so that charges can be filed.

It's not a question of what your sister wants - what he is doing is absolutely wrong and illegal and you need to call the police and report it, even if she doesn't want you to.

 

[jungleland]

Call the police and press charges and try to reason with your sister.
Ask the help of your parents, family, best friends, really everyone who can help and support her, letting her know that she's loved and she doesn't deserve this and that she has nothing to be ashamed.
You must work really hard to rebuild her self esteem.

Good luck , i know it's hard, I speak from experience both my sisters were in abusive marriages, one divorced, the other one is divorcing right now!
Finally!

 

[BlueMoonDoll]

I agree with the rest of the ladies: document it.
Phone the police and explain to them. If she does decide to press charges, then they will be pressed, and then when she "comes to her senses" as she'll claim, they won't allow her to drop them. Somewhere it starts being a state VS the abuser situation and they won't allow the abused to drop the charges because so many women (and men) later recant and say they don't want to press charges.

You sister is demonstrating all signs of a chronically abused woman. There are beating you don't know about. She thinks she deserves them, because he has broken what little spirit she might have had. These guys are good at what they do, they belittle women until the self esteem is completely gone. She is going to need a lot of help, please be willing to help her, she cannot do it alone. At some point you may have to be very blunt with her about what a horrible creature he is--and she'll hate you, but she'll get over it. Keep the pictures as reminders and tell her this mantra: It is NEVER the victim's fault. Tell her often. Good luck

 

[COBI]

Quote:

Originally Posted by highonmac my sister was admitted to emergency and was released. she cannot move she needs to rest shes with my parents.....she needs to be woken up every half hour to make sure she does not go into a coma she has internal bruising...if pain persists and she doesn't not get better we need to call 911

The hospital didn't contact the police? What did your sister tell them happened? I know it's not uncommon for abused women to make up a story to cover, but surely with her injuries, she looked like someone who got the sh-t kicked out of her. I would think they (the hospital) would have notified the police at a minimum?

 

[shadowaddict]

^^^That's what I was thinking that the hospital would have contacted the police.

What the hell were they thinking?

 

[AmandDUR]

report his ass. get her down to take an EPO out against him.

 

[LeeleeBell]

Just think about this: She can't seem to want to help herself. What happens when he beats her again, what if next time it's worse and the injuries are permanent...or what if she ends up dead. You need to do everything you can to stop the monster from touching her again. You want to know that you did everything you could to help her and to keep her away from him. Think about what it would be like if something happened and you didn't try to help: you are going to be living with emotions of guilt, not to mention losing your sister.

It's true that she might resent you for a while, for going over her head and reporting it. Still. Its better to know for yourself that you did everything you could to help her.

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

They have a list of different programs in each state...
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

*Gather the correct information. Jot down any details, take pictures.
*Call the police.
*Ask the hospital to report the injuries as abuse. By law they are required to report suspected abuse. I can't believe they haven't already! (what are they stupid?)
*Get in touch with the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE to report abuse after the fact.

 

[glassy girl]

Oh my she has to b woken up every half hour or she might go into a coma . That is unbelivable there is no if and or what the police needed 2 be called yesterday not should i . Ur a good sister don't think about it. Help save ur sister with those kind of injuries im surprise it wasn't fatal. I'll b praying 4 her and ur family.

 

[highonmac]

Hi Ladies, I would to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the advice you have given me. I did exaclty what all of you have said and i know i haven't replied in a while but it has been a rollercoaster of emotions. What eventually happened was I cancelled my trip told my mother and like I said she and my dad where extremely supportive. My boyfriend's parents (god sent people) came to my house and talked to my sister and my parents giving their advice and have been very supportive with providing help. His mom especially has been keeping intense contact with my sister and being the individual she can talk to when she can't really express it to myself or my parents. On Friday they called the police and he was in jail (his brother made bail) he is under house arrest and has a restrainning order against him. He has court on the fourth of august and my sister is seperated from him. the cops took pictures and got all the medical details. She is living with my family right now. We called the battered womens hotline and she got all the information. She is currently getting goverment help for money and she is going back to school and already is on her way. She is still very bruised with black eye and all but my family and my boyfriends family make her smile a lot

I am so grateful because if it wasn't for you ladies, I would not know what to do nor would I know exaclty what say. We would not be the way we are today...THANKS!

Just to show you. This is my sister and I. I am on the right and my sister is on my left. Thanks....this is happiest in the picture i have seen my sister. Thanls. I love you guys