Once a cheater....?

[Beauty Mark]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nox I look at it from a different angle, so I may be coming out of left field with this: Some people are simply not monogamous. Point blank. They see no benefit/excitement in being with a single partner, and the security of a monogamous relationship may be overshadowed by the thrill of being with multiple people. If that's who they were before they met their current s.o., and that is how they had their sexual desires fulfilled, then it is pretty foolish to assume that they will magically turn out differently just because the current s.o. is now the main person. I think "love" has very little to do with it. When others are trying to impose strict boundaries on a "poly" and expect them to follow it, I think there are problems already. But if a person knows they are not minded for monogamy but yet they enter into a relationship that was agreed to be exclusive, then the onus is on them to stick by it. I have a friend who is polyamorous. She has been this way before she met her husband, and she remained that way after they married. He knew this full well going in, and he still decided to go through with the relationship anyway. He understood pretty quickly that this is who she was, and he was open enough to accept that side of her. From what he says, things are quite dandy in the household between him, his wife and her lover. Now this is most definitely not an arrangement for everybody, but it works fine for them with very little conflict.

Poly or open relationships are another game. If the person is upfront with their partner(s), I think it's perfectly fine.

Cheating is dishonest. Polyamorous or open relationships, if done well, are not dishonest.

 

[Nox]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beauty Mark Poly or open relationships are another game. If the person is upfront with their partner(s), I think it's perfectly fine. Cheating is dishonest. Polyamorous or open relationships, if done well, are not dishonest.

I see what you are saying totally.

I just thought to put that up there because there are so many personal definitions of what is considered dishonest and cheating and what isn't. There have been conversations I've had with others when Polyamoury was all rolled into one big "Cheaters" category. Likewise, there are people who are pretty open and honest about their dalliances, but yet their spouses disapprove. That's more about blatant insensitivity rather than dishonesty, so would you call that cheating too? I think it depends on the person observing (I personally would, but some others may not.)

 

[wittynickname]

In an ideal world, people can choose to change. Unfortunately it's not an ideal world. Men cheat because it fills some void in their life. They derive an ego boost from getting some on the side, or they feel powerful because they can successfully balance two women at once. They know there is a good chance they will be found out, but they still get an adrenalin rush from cheating.

Cheating isn't really about the sex. If he's already getting it from his wife/gf, does he really get something new with the other woman?

In short, cheaters are having too much fun. When they're caught they can feign contrition and talk about how they want to change for the better. But it's just too easy and too tempting to relapse.

 

[Meisje]

Whether cheating is a pattern or an aberration from a pattern depends on many factors.

Why did the person cheat in the first place?
Were they feeling lonely or abandoned in their relationship?
Was it revenge for being cheated on themselves?
Did they simply have no respect for the boundaries of their relationship?
Do they not value anyone's feelings above their own sexual desires?
Do they have ANY actual relationship boundaries?
Did they fall in love with someone else?

It's hard to judge cheating in a vaccum. Every relationship issue has dozens of things that precede it that contribute to the outcome. Even the most committed monogamist might cheat if the circumstances were right.

I do agree with the person who said that if someone has cheated on you, they'll probably cheat on you again. Chances are that even if they've sworn it's the first time, it's not. It's like any other bad sexual behaviour --- folks get caught, swear it's a one-time deal, and go back to trying to conceal their behaviour. It's not a rule, though --- each situation is different.

I wouldn't stay with someone who cheated on me.

 

[merrymelody]

Forget the cheater. You'd rather be alone and thrust into loneliness and involuntary celibacy than with a cheater. It's just not worth it. I am not making a value judgment on the cheater him/herself. The cheater may have been motivated to fill a void in his/her personality. Cheating could be a person's way of getting validation or feeling powerful. In the end, the cheater is not worth the time and effort. There are plenty of faithful people out there. Martyrdom does not make sense.

 

[alumeze]

out of personal experience.. once a cheater always a cheater. My friends have same stories. I think once a guys loses respect and love for you to go out with another woman whether its " emtional cheating or physical cheating" it's still cheating. I even dated a man who was cheating on his wife with me! when I found out i was so angry so humiliated. Then to top it off he had 2 other girls on the side. Men will never change.