Mixed Nuts- A thread for the mentally interesting

katred

Specktra Bestie
I've read a number of people commenting on the fact that they have struggled with depression, anxiety and other mental disorders and illnesses and that they have gone through therapy, tried different medications, etc.

So I thought it might be an idea to start a thread on the subject, a forum where we can talk about our experiences, what's worked and what hasn't, how others have supported or antagonised us, etc.

Obviously, some people aren't going to feel comfortable talking about this very personal kind of thing, which I respect, but others might appreciate knowing that many of the "normal" people they interact with here go through the same things as the rest of us.

The idea is to provide a supportive environment, so if you're one of those who doesn't think that mental disorders are serious or even real, please keep those opinions to yourself. This is not the place to judge.

Since I started this, I'll give a brief summary of my background: I've struggled with depression and acute anxiety since before I hit puberty. I seriously remember having crippling anxiety attacks when I was under the age of 10. That's not common, but it does happen. I come from one of those families that doesn't think that mental issues are anything to worry about, so for many years, I went untreated and ignored the fact that my problems were getting worse. This despite the fact that my father's sister basically died because of compounding mental problems.

I did notice that my mood swings were ridiculous and that times when I was happy were often just as problematic as when I was depressed (spending far too much, taking ridiculous risks with my health, ignoring my job and responsibilities, etc.). But, because I'd been conditioned to see admitting to a problem as tantamount to failure, I didn't get the help I needed.

Quite recently, after getting fed up with the constant flying and crashing cycles, I got a recommendation to see a psychiatrist. After a very detailed review of everything that I was experiencing (and had experienced), I was diagnosed as Bipolar Type I. The doctor adjusted my medication accordingly and has been seeing me regularly to try to pinpoint the roots of my disorder. Things are a lot better, now that someone seems to have gotten the diagnosis right.

I'll have more to say on this later, but I'll open the floor up to other stories, questions, etc. Remember: It's nothing to be ashamed of and support and humour are great meds.
 

LMD84

Well-known member
Thanks for being open and honest
th_hug.gif


I've struggled with depression and OCD for many years.... since i was about 15. I've been to counciling, a psychiatrist as well as dealing with things on my own. I'm much better than i once was years ago. But some days it is very hard to pull myself out of my strange way of thinking and obsessive tendencies.
 

Funtabulous

Well-known member
This is a topic I am unfortunately all too familiar with, and I've been keeping my eyes open for such a thread since I joined.

I've had mental health issues my entire life. Mainly of the anxiety and depression variety. These issues have fluctuated to this very day.

Anxiety has always been my biggest struggle. It's taken many different forms over my life, most notably social and health related. I was at my worst 6-10 months ago, during which I was experiencing several panic attacks a day. I couldn't work and I pretty much had a nervous break down on Christmas day. In February I had such a bad panic attack that I went to the emergency room. I was absolutely convinced I was having a stroke. I can't remember ever being so sure I was going to die. It was terrifying. I was in a constant state of panic that I was fighting against every waking moment for months. Even leaving my house was a difficult task. I was mainly focused on the idea that I had schizophrenia (I don't) or a brain tumour/eminent stroke. I'd constantly be thinking about symptoms and double checking to make sure I was ok. It took over everything. I was also depressed during this time.

I've had many periods of depression. I had a bad one a few years ago when I was in university and my grades suffered. I haven't been back since and have pretty much left a train-wreck behind me as far as school is concerned. I'm still wondering what I can do about that.

I had a lot of anxiety in my childhood which manifested in sleep disturbances and a gradual refusal to go to school. My parents thought I was just being 'difficult' and I was subject to abuse over it. I went to a treatment centre at 13 and they told my parents the same thing. I was treated as damaged goods and never got any help. I think this was the most defining experience of my life. To this day I struggle with feelings of fundamental worthlessness.

I'm better now, but not normal and I never will be. I struggle to accept this. A lot of people just don't understand. I don't know what it is about me that caused people to see me the way they did. Maybe because I am a quiet and reserved person to begin with, it was hard to see. I don't know. I've been told I am difficult to love.

Sorry this is getting a bit depressing. I'm really not in a bad mood today so I really shouldn't be doing this to myself. This is also sounding a bit disjointed. It's a very difficult subject for me.

Thanks for starting this thread. I look forward to more stories and replies.
 

Babylard

Well-known member
Aw.. I wish you guys the best! I'm a closed closet about my problems. Well, If I had a problem with someone, I'd let them know how I felt about something I wasn't happy about. However, a lot of the times I end up feeling worse. Almost like it came back to bite me in the ass. I do suffer from a lot of anxiety. I'm always worried about something and I can never relax. I'm always bothered by something, no matter how trivial it is to others. I'd be severely depressed whenever my bf is out having fun without me, while I'm at home. SEVERELY depressed. I think I have some sort of separation anxiety. My mood is so different from when I am with people and when I am alone. I'm so happy and energetic when I'm with my bf or friends, but when I'm alone I have crying spells, anxiety attacks, etc. It's a stressful way to live. I'm on my vacation from school, but I'm always under a lot of stress. I'm always worried that theres something wrong with me: I'm not pretty enough, not thin enough, my boobs aren't big enough, I'm always afraid my bf will leave me for someone else. A lot of past events between me and my bf have really damaged me. Him cheating on me was probably the most disturbing event I've experienced.

I really don't know what to do for myself except blaze and take extra pills at night lol

you guys aren't alone, wish you all the best <3
 

Mabelle

Well-known member
My problems aren't major ones, but theyr absolutely affect me.

I have anxiety issues teamed with a moderate amount of paranoia. I've always been a big worrier, but ive noticed more lately that my anxiety over things i cannot control is getting kind of ridiculous. I react to the slightest thing and think everyone is out to screw me over.

Last year i had a good 6 months of... well, i dont know if you would call it seasonal, but depression. It started when i lost my job (at a ocffee shop and bookstore owned by my aunt) which burned down. I ended up taking a job i didnt like, and working hours which are not good for me because i needed something fast. From that point on i noticed i was always feeling "down" and stressed and it progressivly when from feeling down to full blown depression. I remember having a meltdown in a bus stop in october. Wanting to drop out of school. By the time December came, i was thinking i needed to be medicated. I remember sneaking off at school and just crying and feeling empty even though, there was nothing "wrong". I had what i would say was a mini breakdown on my 24th birthday. It started with not being able to find my jeans and my boyfriend not helping me. I was hysterical all day. Once i went on christmas break, i got a lot better. I was able to quit the job i hated for one i love, and more importantly, i was able to rest and recharge. I think the fact that i was go go going compunded my small problem. I still have days where i get extremly low, probably more than most. I think im very prone to depression and bouts of it, so i just need to remember that for those months when it comes on strong.

Oh, oddly enough, this is when i started drinking again, and by that i dont mean i was an alcoholic and am back on the hooch. I mean i never drank a drop, and i foudn cider this year. I Started going out a lot this past yr, and i think it kind of helped oddly enough. Gave me something to look forward to... a way to destress if only for a few hours. Ha spoken like someone with a problem, no?
 

BeccalovesMAC

Well-known member
Thank you so much for making this. I suffer from OCD. I had it since I was young. I had a very traumatic child hood. I count everything over and over again. It drives my husband crazy. I have been thru therapy but I am not willing to try any medication for it. lol I am one of the few people that actually obsess over MAC and go to therapy for it. OCD is a crazy thing to have. Most people are not willing to share becuase they do not want you to think that they are insane.
 

LMD84

Well-known member
Quote:
Originally Posted by BeccalovesMAC
Thank you so much for making this. I suffer from OCD. I had it since I was young. I had a very traumatic child hood. I count everything over and over again. It drives my husband crazy. I have been thru therapy but I am not willing to try any medication for it. lol I am one of the few people that actually obsess over MAC and go to therapy for it. OCD is a crazy thing to have. Most people are not willing to share becuase they do not want you to think that they are insane.

th_hug.gif
my OCD is about the way things look. I hate to see spots of anything on something which shouldn't have them. For example if a carpet has a slighty spot or stain on it i start to panic and have to clean it in a certain way. Even at other peopl's houses, i can't stand the spots of dirt. I also have major issues with my face and spots there. Every morning the first thing i do is look in a mirror and count how many spots i have, the problem is though is that my hubby says i count ones that just aren't there.... so yes i'm a big counter and cleaner
ssad.gif
 

BeccalovesMAC

Well-known member
Quote:
Originally Posted by LMD84
th_hug.gif
my OCD is about the way things look. I hate to see spots of anything on something which shouldn't have them. For example if a carpet has a slighty spot or stain on it i start to panic and have to clean it in a certain way. Even at other peopl's houses, i can't stand the spots of dirt. I also have major issues with my face and spots there. Every morning the first thing i do is look in a mirror and count how many spots i have, the problem is though is that my hubby says i count ones that just aren't there.... so yes i'm a big counter and cleaner
ssad.gif


friends.gif
omg I feel your pain. I have major issues with my face too. I lost so many friends and ruined a relationship due to OCD. My bf threatened to leave if I didn't go to therapy. The dr wants me to try medication but I really don't want to.
 

LittleMaryJane

Well-known member
I've lived with depression for years and years. And katred, I used to have horrible, horrible anxiety attacks as a little kid too. Now my anxiety has chilled out but it's still there.

I was hospitalized once and it was really helpful. I got on the right mix of antidepressants and it gave me a couple days to wind down, regroup and get my mind clear. I didn't want to go but it was definitely the right thing to happen... It was at a time when school was crushing me, I had just went through a breakup and I'd already been deeply depressed for months.

These days, my depression is more under control than it ever has been. I used to miss so much school (I finished late because of this) that I was barely functioning but now I'm able to get up on time every morning and go to work. I still struggle at times but I have so much more control over my feelings, emotions and impulses.
 

LMD84

Well-known member
Quote:
Originally Posted by BeccalovesMAC
friends.gif
omg I feel your pain. I have major issues with my face too. I lost so many friends and ruined a relationship due to OCD. My bf threatened to leave if I didn't go to therapy. The dr wants me to try medication but I really don't want to.


th_hug.gif
honestly i didn't go on meds even though my dr reccomended it to me also. it's an issue with my mind and i'd rather use my own power to get over it rather than rely on meds. it works for some people of course! i just feel even more weak and crazy if i went on the meds. but if you ever need to talk i'm always here. it is very hard to get people to understand how little things can effect us in such life changing ways.
 

martiangurll

Well-known member
I think it is pretty hard to share about mental problems, they get such a stigma. I am pretty sure I have soemthing--but get a psychiatrist to agree on it. The last one I saw, I wanted him to decide once and for all, am I bipolar or just depressed with bad anxiety. So he starts focusing on my anxiety and family issues.

I wanted to say Dood, I am not here for therapy and you can't fix my family. Just give a pill so I am not going off on people all the time. And yes, it is my family, they are all screwed and do the same thing--have hissy fits all the time. It is like a mini manic episode with a little ADHD and OCD thrown in for kicks.

Mostly I just get depressed and occasionally go on rant. And of course my makeup hoarding--but that is normal right?

Well, maybe this next time they can figure out what is wrong with my brain. I will take anything but Depakote. I'd even take lithium again. I just hate having mood swings. I am going to see a shrink soon, just switched insurance & probably have to go thru the new Primary Care person first, this is a real drag.

I have had panic attacks too, those I can deal with because I know they don't last too long. As long as I don't have them while driving! BUt not knowing when I am going to have a conversion into Mega-Bitch mode is scarey. And it happens more than every 28 days too. I can't stop it, even when I know its happening.
 

katred

Specktra Bestie
Quote:
Originally Posted by martiangurll
I think it is pretty hard to share about mental problems, they get such a stigma. I am pretty sure I have soemthing--but get a psychiatrist to agree on it. The last one I saw, I wanted him to decide once and for all, am I bipolar or just depressed with bad anxiety. So he starts focusing on my anxiety and family issues.

This can be incredibly trying. My first experience talking to a psychiatrist was so bad that I didn't go back for years (it was pretty similar to yours). A few years ago, my family doctor agreed that I was depressed and put me on a pills for that. She recommended me for counseling, but not to a psychiatrist, because she was sure that she had taken care of the problem. Unfortunately, the medication she put me has a tendency to aggravate mania in the bipolar. So she inadvertently made me worse.

I basically lucked into the doctor I'm with now, when I moved and had to get a prescription renewed. It can be a real challenge finding a doctor who you can work with.

For those who are iffy about taking medication, I've always been of two minds about it. I wouldn't for years, because my first experience was so bad (a doctor gave me Xanax to help with my anxiety). In my case, being on the right medication has helped immeasurably and at the same time, I've witnessed what happens when you're on the wrong medication, which can be worse than nothing at all.

Strangely, while I like talking to my doctor, I've yet to see any real benefits from therapy. I keep waiting for a breakthrough, but it never seems to happen.
 

MatryoshkaDoll

Active member
Great topic, and so awesome that others are willing to share their stories!
Before I begin with mine, I just wanted to recommend a great book for depression sufferers - The Noonday Demon by Andrew Solomon. I cried reading it throughout, so much of what he described, with such compassion, hit home with me. I gave my mom this book to read in the hopes she could understand me better.

My main mental issue is OCD (which I've had since 13 - it manifested in tapping, opening and shutting doors, obsessing over things not landing on a multiple of three). It wasn't until I saw the movie As Good As It Gets that I was like, oh my god, this is something that other people have!

My second issue is Social Anxiety Disorder, which manifested once I moved across the country to go to college. I didn't make friends right off the bat, and as a result I never ate meals in the dining hall because I couldn't stand being seen eating by myself. I felt like everyone was staring at my like I was a major loser. I basically subsisted off of vending machine food - pop tarts, pretzels and diet coke. Needless to see, I had the opposite of the freshman 15 experience - I lost 15-20 lbs my first semester due to this. Fortunately I had some really great professors willing to work with me on this, and they allowed me to e-mail them class comments because they knew I was too shy to speak up in class.

Some people are afraid of going down the medication route, but for me it's been a godsend, a true lifesaver. I'm taking a combination of Celexa (for depression & OCD) along with Xanax (for anxiety) and Seroquel (for insomnia & depression). I don't believe you can ever "wean" yourself off the medication - I think I will always need it the way someone with diabetes may always need insulin shots.

Anyway, that's the truncated version of my story, anyone want to ask me anything about my treatment or whatever privately, you can always PM me.
 

buddleia

Well-known member
Hey Katred, thanks for starting this thread. I don't have a mental illness but it doesn't mean that it won't happen to me at some point! Who knows. Mental illness has such a huge stigma. I hope that with more sharing and talking like this, that stigma will lift and come to see that mental illness needs compassion and understanding to get better (both from people who have it and those who don't), not put-downs and derision (which just makes things worse).
 

LittleMaryJane

Well-known member
Quote:
Originally Posted by katred
This can be incredibly trying. My first experience talking to a psychiatrist was so bad that I didn't go back for years (it was pretty similar to yours). A few years ago, my family doctor agreed that I was depressed and put me on a pills for that. She recommended me for counseling, but not to a psychiatrist, because she was sure that she had taken care of the problem. Unfortunately, the medication she put me has a tendency to aggravate mania in the bipolar. So she inadvertently made me worse.

I basically lucked into the doctor I'm with now, when I moved and had to get a prescription renewed. It can be a real challenge finding a doctor who you can work with.

For those who are iffy about taking medication, I've always been of two minds about it. I wouldn't for years, because my first experience was so bad (a doctor gave me Xanax to help with my anxiety). In my case, being on the right medication has helped immeasurably and at the same time, I've witnessed what happens when you're on the wrong medication, which can be worse than nothing at all.


I agree with all of this. I've gone through a lot of doctors I didn't like to get to where I am now--LOVE my therapist and love my psychiatrist. It took me a long time to find them though, I kept giving up and then I'd start the search again when things got bad...

I was on too low of a dosage of anti-depressants for a long time and I was convinced they were bullshit... But once I got on the right mix/dosage, I can definitely see the difference and they have helped me A LOT.
 

katred

Specktra Bestie
I've been told that therapy is ultimately the best thing to deal with bipolar disorder, but my experiences haven't been overly positive in that regard. My current doctor is quite convinced that was because I was improperly diagnosed to begin with, so they were treating me as someone who was going through a period of depression, which wasn't exactly the case.

For anyone curious about meds and what they do, this web site has been a fantastic guide for me:

Crazy Meds! The Good, The Bad & The Funny of Neurological Medications

He addresses the different categories of drugs and the different variations of meds available, what the side effects are and whether you can expect them to pass. It's mostly US-centred, but it's still pretty useful.
 

LMD84

Well-known member
Quote:
Originally Posted by katred
I've been told that therapy is ultimately the best thing to deal with bipolar disorder, but my experiences haven't been overly positive in that regard. My current doctor is quite convinced that was because I was improperly diagnosed to begin with, so they were treating me as someone who was going through a period of depression, which wasn't exactly the case.

For anyone curious about meds and what they do, this web site has been a fantastic guide for me:

Crazy Meds! The Good, The Bad & The Funny of Neurological Medications

He addresses the different categories of drugs and the different variations of meds available, what the side effects are and whether you can expect them to pass. It's mostly US-centred, but it's still pretty useful.


very useful and interesting
smiles.gif
 

chelseadawn

Well-known member
My family doesn't really like getting professional help for anything. Good example - my dad broke his finger, and didn't go to the doctor for weeeeks. Same when he hurt some ribs. So it's tough when I have a problem, I feel like there's nowhere to go, you know?

I never knew until recently (this Spring) that I'd been dealing with anxiety attacks basically my whole life. I remember school being cancelled one day when I was really young, and I spent the day hyperventilating in my closet and I didn't really know why. But it didn't happen too often, so I thought it was normal or something.
Anyway, my school is really tough, everyone seems to break down nearing the end of the year. We were non-semestered, so we had the same eight courses all year round. This past year, I was getting less and less sleep and in March, I started collapsing regularly, I guess from exhaustion or something? I got pretty used to it, I'd just be walking along the street, down the hallway, or just standing and talking to someone and I'd just fall right down. I stopped trying to catch myself because it really did nothing, my legs just crumbled beneath me. After that, I started falling asleep in class. I tried SO hard to stay awake, honestly, but it was no use. I guess I missed from pretty important math classes, because I ended up failing that class. My guidance counselor contacted me and told me some teachers were concerned that I was suicidal, not entirely sure why, but he was convinced I wasn't. I was fine, just tired. I had more and more work and ended up having anxiety attacks at least once a day. They felt horrrrrrrible. And I remember one night, trying to finish my work, I guess I kind of drifted out of reality for awhile. I was delusional, it was really frightening. I sat there for at least ten minutes, in a total panic, because I was convinced that my hands were not mine and it was like they were doll parts, like detachable limbs but they just would not come off and I couldn't stand the fact that the hands on the ends of my arms were not mine. That was probably the lowest point, in my opinion. It was so scary to me, both the delusion and the fact that I was delusional from the stress in the first place.
All my projects were due the same week and I couldn't get any of them moved, so I had to deal. And because of a bunch of stupid drama with my history teacher, I got more than a month less than everyone else to do my project. I was able to basically scam my way into getting more time for some of my projects, but only a few days, so that meant I was still having to pull all-nighters to finish them. I made sure to hold onto something during one of my presentations, because I felt like I would pass out if I didn't, and for another the teacher told me to go home and present a different day because I was having trouble standing even while holding onto the desk, I'd been awake at that point for about 30 hours straight or so, I think.
I passed all but my math class, and passed that in summer school with an easy 93% or so.
It all sounds like some bad episode of Degrassi or something lame, but its crazy to think that it all actually happened. I'm taking all the steps I can to prepare myself for my work and to buckle down and try to get through the next year without repeating the same things. I just basically lost my job for no reason whatsoever (I was an awesome employee, they all loved me, told me I was the most trusted, they gave me extra responsibilities, etc, and when they asked if I was going to come back for this upcoming season, I said of course! but I really don't know whats going on, because it seems like i'm the only one not rehired or something. its stressful, but out of my hands, so i'll try to let it be) so that leaves me more time for myself and for my studies and stuff... its just like I actually looked FORWARD to going to work for the repetitive actions and no big surprises... social interactions.. it felt good being part of a group, it was like a mini-vacation from the stresses of school. So, i have more time.. but less to look forward to, this year..

ahh I just wrote a fricking novel, sorry.
 

katred

Specktra Bestie
No worries about novel-writing. This is the kind of thing that takes some time to explain.

One of the scary things about anxiety attacks is that it's hard to realise that you have them. I assumed for years that I just gave into stress to easily, because I thought that everyone reacted the way that I did. I felt like if I couldn't deal with these attacks on my own, it meant I was a weak person. Of course, once I started talking about it, I found out that "normal" people didn't have the out of control panic reaction that I did. Now when I get stressed, I at least continue to think straight.
 

Shadowy Lady

Well-known member
I struggle with anxiety as well. I dealt with an emotionally abusive family member for years and that has affected me badly even though I cut contact with her about 2 years ago. I still feel anxious and start to shake if someone without caller ID calls or even if I hear anything about her
ssad.gif
It's also extended to my sleep pattern and I get stressed and anxious about things alot faster than most ppl.

Everytime the wave of anxiety hits, I starte trembling and then can't sleep the night worrying about things. It can be something big or a small deadline at work :/
 

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