Will I grow out of this?

ashley8119

Well-known member
I think I might have a serious fear of commitment and also a fear of not being in control. I like to be in control at all times with my personal relationships. In other words, I would rather walk away from a relationship than to have somebody walk away from me in a relationship. Whether I am really interested in a guy or "kinda interested", it doesn't matter how much I'm interested in him, I often think to myself: "Do I really want this? Do I really want to call him my boyfriend? Do I really want to be his girlfriend?" If he seems slightly withdrawn (even if he's just tired after a long day at work and turns in early, for example), I tend to question my feelings and convince myself that maybe there *is* some kind of serious feelings there. But then when things are okay again, I'm back to questioning whether or not I want to be with him. This has happened with every guy I have ever considered being "more than friends" with.

My ex and I used to talk about marriage but our relationship failed because he relapsed into his drug addiction, and even though I felt totally in love with him and didn't want anybody else, whenever he would talk about getting married or if he would mention goals for our future (way in the future, like 20 years from now), I would feel kind of uncomfortable and question my feelings and whether or not I really wanted to be with him. I felt so in love with him and I can honestly say that I believed he was my everything, but the thought of marriage and any serious commitment (even right before we became an official couple), I would constantly have a battle with myself over what I think I want and what I really want. It's annoying being so indecisive and questioning myself so much.

I'm not sure how to label this issue, so I guess I would call it a fear of any type of serious commitment in a relationship or even marriage. My mom says I'll grow out of it and it's just because I'm "young and immature" when it comes to serious relationships (I'm 20) but I'm interested in getting some other opinions.

What do YOU think? Will I grow out of this or will I always be annoyingly indecisive?
 

Cydonian

Well-known member
I have to preface my response by saying that I'm slightly biased -- I've found someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. It really changes what color glasses you peer at the world through. I never thought my outlook would change, but it's a total 360.

You're 20 -- I'm 23 for reference -- when I was your age, I was dating a guy that I thought was fun, the physical side was sort of there, he could have his romantic moments, but really it was a basic and dull relationship. I questioned my feelings so many times but stayed with him because I was co-dependent and had no one else to spend my time with. It got to a point where I love you was rare, kissing was even rarer, and sex was not heard of.
I thought that moving in with him would solve it, awesome idea right? Nope. Exact opposite... worst thing I could have done. It only made things worse. I was like you, terrified of committing any further to him. So I broke things off (still had to live there as I had nowhere else to live). A few months later, I reconnected with my fiance (he was an old friend) and it was like fireworks, action, everything made sense.

Moral of the story: I don't think it's just your age. It's also the other person. You can be the most mature and commitment ready person in the world, but until you find that person that you truly fall in love with, the desire to be with them for years to come won't be there. You felt like you were in love -- but unless you could see yourself with him, it's more of an attachment than anything else. I know older people that have never found that -- it's not that they're not mature, they're fully ready for it, but they haven't met that person yet. It could even be someone you've known for years (like my situation) but when the time is right, the gears twist into place... then magic happens.

You will find the one someday, I promise. Just be patient... and whatever you do, don't go back to that other guy. Take it from someone who's been there, and definitely done that.

Hope this helps and good luck to you
smiles.gif
 

HoneyDip

Well-known member
Hey there!
I can totally understand what you wrote above..I got out my last relationship in the beginning of 2010, because my ex-boyfriend cheated on me. Thinking back.. he used to be my everything too and even proposed to me but I had always the feeling that something wasn't right.. and think you should totally trust your 'gut-feeling'. Now.. a couple of weeks ago I started dating someone else and my biggest fear was commitment. I was honest with this guy and said that I cannot take the fact someone calling me his own..or has the right to set rules. My fear went away, because we figured out we both need space and time for ourselves too.. the most important thing is to talk about it if you don't feel comfortable with a situation. Don't let nobody tell you how a relationship should be like.. or feel like. That's something only you and your significant other should decide. =)
 

kimmietrinh

Well-known member
Hi there,

In addition to the other posts...are you satisfied with other aspects of life? Are you comfortable and confident in other stuff? Is it because someone personal to you had a horrible experience? If it's not because he just isn't the right guy, it could be because there's some other issues in your life right now that is manifesting into your romance.
 

kaliraksha

Well-known member
I think what you are describing sounds perfectly normal. It's not an age thing to me, but just a level thing. You will either mature over time to that level based on your experiences or you might find the person that makes all of that not matter. I think the important thing to remember is to have fun and to be honest with yourself. I wouldn't worry about it too much, if you like someone and they like you then have fun dating... don't put pressure on yourself to progress or over-analyze. Everyone has their own rhythm.
 

Meisje

Well-known member
If you're 20, you shouldn't worry about it --- there's no pressure for you to have your feelings and wants sorted out yet. I wouldn't consider it an issue, just something that will eventually change as you figure out more about what you want in life.
 
Totally where I'd be going with this...when I start to ask myself serious life questions that I don't have the answer to, and maybe I feel a little broken...I go to counseling for a few months to try and work things out.
 

alyxo

Well-known member
I'm 25 and I am the same way. Like you said, I need to be in control at all times. I need to be absolutely crazy about a guy in order to be in a relationship with him. And there are a lot of people that are just not worth it to me because I question everything. I don't know what it is about me, but it takes a lot for me, to be attracted to someone. I am very picky, I know exactly what I want and what I don't. When I am in a relationship with someone and they talk to me about marriage, or living together or children - that freaks me out. And I mean, it scares the living shit out of me. I can't stand it when people over use the words "I love you", it just needs to be said when you're 100% sure, I feel. Not because someone thinks you should say it. The only 2 people in my life that I am ok with saying "I love you" to are my mom and my dog. Hahaha, my dog is a person to me. I can honestly say I would break up with a guy if he gave me a promise ring, if he talked about marriage constantly or if he was very needy and mushy. I have a big fear of commitment and I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I don't trust anyone.
 

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