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rachybloom
Well-known member
Re: Men fantasies & "privacy"?
I'm probably one of the lucky ones, but my boyfriend is very.. I dunno "exclusive" to me in the way that he doesn't look at porn, doesn't look at other women, and expresses his fantasies with me very openly which all include me. I try to get him to look at porn with me and even then it just doesn't do it for him.. So I probably have a biased view of this because he's ridiculously chivalrous and dedicated..
I think it's kind of bullshit for a guy not to dedicate himself completely to you and use excuses like this if it makes you upset. If it doesn't, then who cares, but I know it makes a lot of girls insecure and upset when their boyfriends blatantly flirt with other girls or look at Playboy/etc and say it's not cheating and they can do whatever they want. I know my point of view probably doesn't fit in with the modern world of Maxim magazine and threesomes. But, my boyfriend and I see each other as equals and we're extremely dedicated to each other. We're both extremely sexual people (me more than him, heh
) and we have very strong feelings for each other. In that way, we're willing to play out any fantasies and we don't hide them from each other. If he doesn't want to act out his fantasies with you (a real woman) and would rather jerk off to them (to pictures).. I think that's kind of a red flag.
I think it is, unfortunately, normal for guys to do this but no matter what a lot of women say.. I think it makes them insecure and upset. In my opinion, I think it's this whole "Peter Pan" bullshit that guys do where they don't want to feel "held down" by women and we put up with it because that's what society says is ok. I realize my boyfriend is probably one of the few guys in the world that only has eyes for me.. but he hasn't looked at any of those magazines/porn/etc since he was like 15 and going through puberty. And I disagree with your boyfriend because it has a lot do with your relationship. People are entitled to privacy and relationships should have a lot of independence within them, but they should also have trust and honesty above all. Him hiding things from you that make you feel upset isn't really apart of the whole trust and honesty thing. If he feels that you're invading his privacy try playing out his fantasies or even just tell him how you feel. Don't let him dictate it completely.
*shrugs* I guess it's just my personal opinion but I think girls should be treated like princesses and if you're good to your man, HE should be just as good to you. I don't think there's anything wrong with fantasies or porn or masturbating or anything like that.. in fact, I love all three haha. BUT I do have a problem with men not growing up and treating women with the care and respect that they want if it IS bothering them.
I'm probably one of the lucky ones, but my boyfriend is very.. I dunno "exclusive" to me in the way that he doesn't look at porn, doesn't look at other women, and expresses his fantasies with me very openly which all include me. I try to get him to look at porn with me and even then it just doesn't do it for him.. So I probably have a biased view of this because he's ridiculously chivalrous and dedicated..
I think it's kind of bullshit for a guy not to dedicate himself completely to you and use excuses like this if it makes you upset. If it doesn't, then who cares, but I know it makes a lot of girls insecure and upset when their boyfriends blatantly flirt with other girls or look at Playboy/etc and say it's not cheating and they can do whatever they want. I know my point of view probably doesn't fit in with the modern world of Maxim magazine and threesomes. But, my boyfriend and I see each other as equals and we're extremely dedicated to each other. We're both extremely sexual people (me more than him, heh
I think it is, unfortunately, normal for guys to do this but no matter what a lot of women say.. I think it makes them insecure and upset. In my opinion, I think it's this whole "Peter Pan" bullshit that guys do where they don't want to feel "held down" by women and we put up with it because that's what society says is ok. I realize my boyfriend is probably one of the few guys in the world that only has eyes for me.. but he hasn't looked at any of those magazines/porn/etc since he was like 15 and going through puberty. And I disagree with your boyfriend because it has a lot do with your relationship. People are entitled to privacy and relationships should have a lot of independence within them, but they should also have trust and honesty above all. Him hiding things from you that make you feel upset isn't really apart of the whole trust and honesty thing. If he feels that you're invading his privacy try playing out his fantasies or even just tell him how you feel. Don't let him dictate it completely.
*shrugs* I guess it's just my personal opinion but I think girls should be treated like princesses and if you're good to your man, HE should be just as good to you. I don't think there's anything wrong with fantasies or porn or masturbating or anything like that.. in fact, I love all three haha. BUT I do have a problem with men not growing up and treating women with the care and respect that they want if it IS bothering them.
chocolategoddes
Well-known member
Re: Men fantasies & "privacy"?
I wouldn't consider jerking off to porn or even thinking about other women as cheating.
I would, however, be a little concerned with keeping the sexual fantasies to himself.
It depends on why he's keeping them a secret. He could be afraid of what your reaction would be to the fantasy. He could be unsure about these fantasies himself and isn't sure that he wants to share them with you.
I think it's important for a couple to be able to express themselves, their turn-ons, and their fantasies, because it can really enhance their sex.
But it's a personal thinig. If it bothers you that he won't share then you could bring it up with him. If you don't mind, then no big deal.
I wouldn't consider jerking off to porn or even thinking about other women as cheating.
I would, however, be a little concerned with keeping the sexual fantasies to himself.
It depends on why he's keeping them a secret. He could be afraid of what your reaction would be to the fantasy. He could be unsure about these fantasies himself and isn't sure that he wants to share them with you.
I think it's important for a couple to be able to express themselves, their turn-ons, and their fantasies, because it can really enhance their sex.
But it's a personal thinig. If it bothers you that he won't share then you could bring it up with him. If you don't mind, then no big deal.
stronqerx
Well-known member
Re: Men fantasies & "privacy"?
I don't think the problem here is that he jerks to other women, I mean if you're cool with that I don't see the prob (You seem to be, I may be wrong). I do however see that there is a lack of communication for whatever reason. You should be able to talk about anything with your significant other, and be comfortable enough to share things of that nature. My fiance from what I know does not watch porn or jerk to other women. However, I do know what he's into and his fantasies because I always ask him and he feels comfortable sharing with me his intimate thoughts and fantasies (vise versa). That being said, I always say I am 99% sure he doesn't drool over other women because I know how he is, and he's not that way. I don't say I am 100% sure because I am not with him 24/7 so in all truth it's about having trust. I wouldn't say he doesn't look at other women because he probably does, heck even I do and I am straight. Drooling and trying to talk to other women is one thing, looking is another.
I don't think the problem here is that he jerks to other women, I mean if you're cool with that I don't see the prob (You seem to be, I may be wrong). I do however see that there is a lack of communication for whatever reason. You should be able to talk about anything with your significant other, and be comfortable enough to share things of that nature. My fiance from what I know does not watch porn or jerk to other women. However, I do know what he's into and his fantasies because I always ask him and he feels comfortable sharing with me his intimate thoughts and fantasies (vise versa). That being said, I always say I am 99% sure he doesn't drool over other women because I know how he is, and he's not that way. I don't say I am 100% sure because I am not with him 24/7 so in all truth it's about having trust. I wouldn't say he doesn't look at other women because he probably does, heck even I do and I am straight. Drooling and trying to talk to other women is one thing, looking is another.
TISH1124
Well-known member
Re: Men fantasies & "privacy"?
My husband looks at porn, reads porn, masturbates and all the things that the majority of men do...I do not find it cheating at all..I find it as a form of foreplay for him...As a matter of fact I watch porn with him...It does not affect me in the manner it does him because most times it is comical to me...But I do watch with him at times. And I do not consider it cheating...
If he was online sexual chatting with a woman even if he didn't know her i would however consider that cheating....But I would rather he cheat on me with the movie screen and his hand than another woman if it's considered cheating....I can handle that
My husband looks at porn, reads porn, masturbates and all the things that the majority of men do...I do not find it cheating at all..I find it as a form of foreplay for him...As a matter of fact I watch porn with him...It does not affect me in the manner it does him because most times it is comical to me...But I do watch with him at times. And I do not consider it cheating...
If he was online sexual chatting with a woman even if he didn't know her i would however consider that cheating....But I would rather he cheat on me with the movie screen and his hand than another woman if it's considered cheating....I can handle that
M.A.C. head.
Well-known member
Re: Men fantasies & "privacy"?
I agree with your man's POV, but I would be concerned that he doesn't want to share his fantasies, at least SOME of them, with you. I think that everyone deserves privacy when it comes to their thoughts, but sexually I've always thought that your partner is the one person that you'd reeeeeeeeeeeeally want to tell, because they will want to make them come true hehehe. Maybe he's not completely comfortable with sharing them with you because he's not really comfortable with thinking them in the first place. It may just be something that he is not akin to, and that's okay, everyone is different; it doesn't mean that he has alterior motives or that he doesn't trust you.
I also agree with him on the wandering of the mind and the hand. I think most PEOPLE'S minds wander to fantasies of other people and they may need to squeeze one out because they got hot and bothered, not just men. Unless a man or a woman is doing something that they are keeping from their partner, for one reason or another, I don't think it's cheating. That doesn't mean that the partner shouldn't have an issue, but I think the issue would be uncomfortable feelings from insecurity and what not, and those things are not bad.
I agree with your man's POV, but I would be concerned that he doesn't want to share his fantasies, at least SOME of them, with you. I think that everyone deserves privacy when it comes to their thoughts, but sexually I've always thought that your partner is the one person that you'd reeeeeeeeeeeeally want to tell, because they will want to make them come true hehehe. Maybe he's not completely comfortable with sharing them with you because he's not really comfortable with thinking them in the first place. It may just be something that he is not akin to, and that's okay, everyone is different; it doesn't mean that he has alterior motives or that he doesn't trust you.
I also agree with him on the wandering of the mind and the hand. I think most PEOPLE'S minds wander to fantasies of other people and they may need to squeeze one out because they got hot and bothered, not just men. Unless a man or a woman is doing something that they are keeping from their partner, for one reason or another, I don't think it's cheating. That doesn't mean that the partner shouldn't have an issue, but I think the issue would be uncomfortable feelings from insecurity and what not, and those things are not bad.
xxAngelxx
Well-known member
Re: Men fantasies & "privacy"?
It doesn't really matter what other men do. What's important is what your man does. If you are uncomfortable with what he's doing, then there is a problem. Not every woman has to be okay with her man looking at porn. Not every guy looks at it. I don't consider looking to be cheating but there is such a thing as excessive looking, I think. But if he's also hiding things from you, I'd be pissed. Sounds to me like there is a lack of communication here.
It doesn't really matter what other men do. What's important is what your man does. If you are uncomfortable with what he's doing, then there is a problem. Not every woman has to be okay with her man looking at porn. Not every guy looks at it. I don't consider looking to be cheating but there is such a thing as excessive looking, I think. But if he's also hiding things from you, I'd be pissed. Sounds to me like there is a lack of communication here.
florabundance
Well-known member
Re: Men fantasies & "privacy"?
Do you exclusively fantasize about your man? When i'm in a relationship I usually do..but it's not intentional or conscious. That's just the way I do lol..
...and I guess I really don't expect that to be reciprocated. Just doesn't bother me. I'm fine with the porn thing too.
Oh and Alibi, you know you're gorgeous, so don't even second guess that you're part of his fantasies honey
Do you exclusively fantasize about your man? When i'm in a relationship I usually do..but it's not intentional or conscious. That's just the way I do lol..
...and I guess I really don't expect that to be reciprocated. Just doesn't bother me. I'm fine with the porn thing too.
Oh and Alibi, you know you're gorgeous, so don't even second guess that you're part of his fantasies honey
*Stargazer*
Well-known member
Re: Men fantasies & "privacy"?
Quote:
Honestly, I don't blame him. I don't think it is at all realistic or healthy to attempt to have full control of what your SO thinks about, on any topic. I think it might be YOUR problem than an issue with his, KWIM?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alibi
I just wanna be the ony woman he ever thinks of. And I'm asking him this sometimes. He says I am, but again, gets pissed off at me "invading his head and mind" :/ |
Honestly, I don't blame him. I don't think it is at all realistic or healthy to attempt to have full control of what your SO thinks about, on any topic. I think it might be YOUR problem than an issue with his, KWIM?
MACLovin
Well-known member
Re: Men fantasies & "privacy"?
Don't be a mental terrorist! lol just kidding.. but dang, let the guy's mind wander a bit, it's normal imo.. doesn't mean he loves you any less or wants to be unfaithful to you.
I don't think it's realistic to expect to be the *ONLY* chick he ever thinks about like that. it's not even realistic from a girl's standpoint. Can you honestly say you never think about any other dudes? I highly doubt it
Don't be a mental terrorist! lol just kidding.. but dang, let the guy's mind wander a bit, it's normal imo.. doesn't mean he loves you any less or wants to be unfaithful to you.
I don't think it's realistic to expect to be the *ONLY* chick he ever thinks about like that. it's not even realistic from a girl's standpoint. Can you honestly say you never think about any other dudes? I highly doubt it
MACLovin
Well-known member
Re: Men fantasies & "privacy"?
Yes, it's perfectly healthy and fine.
I mean, as long as he keeps it to himself for the most part and doesn't throw it in your face, you know? I wouldn't want my guy going around saying "oooh that girls hot, i wanna <insert naughty thing> her" but I expect him to look, it's hardwired in their brains!
I don't share ALL my private thoughts with my boyfriend, so I don't expect him to do the same either really..
I mean, yes it would be ideal if I was the only girl he ever thought about.. I would sure feel special, lol. But I know it's not likely, and I'm fine with that.
Yes, it's perfectly healthy and fine.
I don't share ALL my private thoughts with my boyfriend, so I don't expect him to do the same either really..
I mean, yes it would be ideal if I was the only girl he ever thought about.. I would sure feel special, lol. But I know it's not likely, and I'm fine with that.
NutMeg
Well-known member
Re: Men fantasies & "privacy"?
My bf is not the only guy I ever think about and some of my fantasies don't include him in any way. When you get right down to it, my sexuality is about me, not him. My thoughts, fantasies, and desires are mine, and because he is my sexual partner many of them involve him. The distinction is that my sexuality is not controlled by him, or owned by him just because I've chosen to have a sexual relationship with him. I don't expect him to allow me total control over his sexuality anymore than I would give him total control over mine. I have respect for the fact that he is an individual with his own thoughts and desires and motivations, who has chosen to be my partner. I think that allowing a level of privacy and trust in our relationship makes our sex life better, and our emotional connection stronger.
But we are remarkably free from jealousy, and what works for us doesn't necessarily work for anyone else.
My bf is not the only guy I ever think about and some of my fantasies don't include him in any way. When you get right down to it, my sexuality is about me, not him. My thoughts, fantasies, and desires are mine, and because he is my sexual partner many of them involve him. The distinction is that my sexuality is not controlled by him, or owned by him just because I've chosen to have a sexual relationship with him. I don't expect him to allow me total control over his sexuality anymore than I would give him total control over mine. I have respect for the fact that he is an individual with his own thoughts and desires and motivations, who has chosen to be my partner. I think that allowing a level of privacy and trust in our relationship makes our sex life better, and our emotional connection stronger.
But we are remarkably free from jealousy, and what works for us doesn't necessarily work for anyone else.
Mizz.Coppertone
Well-known member
Re: Men fantasies & "privacy"?
I know how u feel! I suggest asking him what he finds really really hot because u want to do it for him, like outfits, hairstyles, places, ect. and try it out! That way u'll know ur satisfying his ''fantasies'' because most likely whatever he tells u is prob what he thinks about and won't tell u directly. He's prob just the type of man who doesn't wanna feel too controlled by his girl. Everybody needs a lil privacy.
I know how u feel! I suggest asking him what he finds really really hot because u want to do it for him, like outfits, hairstyles, places, ect. and try it out! That way u'll know ur satisfying his ''fantasies'' because most likely whatever he tells u is prob what he thinks about and won't tell u directly. He's prob just the type of man who doesn't wanna feel too controlled by his girl. Everybody needs a lil privacy.
BeccalovesMAC
Well-known member
Re: Men fantasies & "privacy"?
Trust me you aint going to be the only girl your man thinks about. lol Sorry guys are just pervs like that. This is why tittie bars were invented. Dont take it personal. lol@mental terrorist. I could care less if my man watches porn or jerks to images/thoughts of other girls. Its not cheating. In the end...he pays my bills and buys me my MAC every couple days. Shit, I have nothing to complain about.
Trust me you aint going to be the only girl your man thinks about. lol Sorry guys are just pervs like that. This is why tittie bars were invented. Dont take it personal. lol@mental terrorist. I could care less if my man watches porn or jerks to images/thoughts of other girls. Its not cheating. In the end...he pays my bills and buys me my MAC every couple days. Shit, I have nothing to complain about.
greengoesmoo
Well-known member
Re: Men fantasies & "privacy"?
Has every wank you've had in your relationship been entirely about him with nothing else what-so-ever?
Minds wander, so do eyes, I figure it's fine as long as the eye's aren't caught and hands don't.
I have bought my BF porno mags before, full of women who even by description are nothing like me lookswise. I know I like a variety of looks in men, and I imagine most people have different conflicting looks that they like.
I have a fantasy dark skinned/haired older man called Alastair, I also have a fantasy tall 18 yr old peachy blond called Josh. They don't have personalities, just a vague "attitude". They aren't based on actual people, but I am sure I have taken aspects I have seen in people and plonked them into the mix.
I guess that's it, the personality, porn doesn't have one, nor do spank mags or women/men you pass in the street. They are just a lump of nice looking flesh.
Variety is the spice of life, and as long as you're keeping it to fantasy it's all good.
Has every wank you've had in your relationship been entirely about him with nothing else what-so-ever?
Minds wander, so do eyes, I figure it's fine as long as the eye's aren't caught and hands don't.
I have bought my BF porno mags before, full of women who even by description are nothing like me lookswise. I know I like a variety of looks in men, and I imagine most people have different conflicting looks that they like.
I have a fantasy dark skinned/haired older man called Alastair, I also have a fantasy tall 18 yr old peachy blond called Josh. They don't have personalities, just a vague "attitude". They aren't based on actual people, but I am sure I have taken aspects I have seen in people and plonked them into the mix.
I guess that's it, the personality, porn doesn't have one, nor do spank mags or women/men you pass in the street. They are just a lump of nice looking flesh.
Variety is the spice of life, and as long as you're keeping it to fantasy it's all good.
