Anyone who knows someone with depression...

[Chikky]

I need advice.

Short story is: My only/best friend (kinda more than friends, though that in itself is a LONG story. We've cooled off since a big blowup in October) has come out to me that he suffers from depression. I had thought as much for a long time, but it wasn't really my place to ask or assume.

He's not on medication for a few reasons. They don't need to be listed, but they are valid. But anyway, that's not the point.

What can I do? I mean, I want to help him. And yes, I just try and 'be there' for him all the time. But I feel like I can do more. I've gotten past the point of thinking that being with me should make him happy. I know it doesn't work that way. But every time he gets into a funk I feel... Lost or abandoned.

He had a death in the family this past week, and while it was expected, it's just hitting him now. He said he feels good mentally but he is just physically affected. He doesn't want to DO anything but sleep. He's out of it. He has no interests. So, our normal plans are going out the window. And that's ok, I told him that I just want him to feel better. To sleep, to do whatever he needs to do. I back off. I don't know what else to do!

I actually feel sort of selfish... feeling so alone and abandoned when he gets like this. I just wish I could help.

Does anyone have any experience or advice with this? It would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

 

[littlepickle]

Hey,
I've suffered from depression on and off since about the age of 9 (now 20). I know how hard it is to be the sufferer and to witness someone else's suffering. It's normal to feel selfish and to want your friend to snap out of it. Even though I know what it's like, I still feel the same way sometimes when my best friend has a bad patch. So try not to feel bad about that. It's good that you are acknowledging that you feel this way.
There isn't much you can do, unfortunately, except for be there for your friend whenever he needs to talk. I know it can also be a fine line between probing about how he's doing and letting him know that you are there for him, I've been on both sides of that line.
When I'm having a really bad patch, here's what I do:
- I work to acknowledge my feelings. Over the years I have noticed that when I do not acknowledge my feelings and keep them bottled up, I become physically ill from it.
- I take my medication. You have stated he doesn't take any and that's fine. This is just what I do to cope. Perhaps he needs to meditate, or dance, whatever helps take the edge off things. However you have said he doesn't have any interests at the moment so that may be off the menu.
- I try and do the things that make me happy. That means gorging on candy, walking in the sun and smiling at strangers etc. Again, your friend just wants to sleep so that may not work for him, but when you do see him coming out of it a little more, suggest the things he loves.

When my best friend is depressed, I:
- Let her know I'm there for her and love her to bits
- Give her space to express her feelings
- Create things for her - collages, paintings, even silly doodles on MS Paint. Just to let her know I'm thinking of her.

Have you heard of the Myers-Brigg test? It's a personality test I took when I was 16 and in the worst stage of my depression. You answer questions about your personality and are given a type. Then you can read about your personality and it gives you an insight into why you are the way you are, how you can cope with things - it basically teaches you ALOT about yourself. It helped me so, SO much during that time and has ever since. It taught me why I was using some coping mechanisms and why I felt some ways. Why don't you and your friend try doing it together?
Here's a link:
Free On-line Myers Briggs Personality Tests | Develop & Grow
If you both do it together, you will both learn about yourselves and eachother. I'm an INFP and just found that out my best friend is the same. It helped me understand her infinitely better.

I know it's really hard but he will appreciate you so much for being the wonderful friend that you are. Hope this helped some xxx

 

[LMD84]

you're a great friend and he should be very thankful that he has you to look out for him like this

i have never been depressed which i didn't want to do anything but sleep and such before, although like anybody i have my down times. i am thinking perhaps you should give him a day or 2 to sleep and do what he needs to. but then drag him out. even if it is just for a walk somewhere. because the longer you let him sleep and stay out of the world the more he will getused to be like that.

i hope everything turns out ok and that he starts managing things soon

 

[InspiredBlue]

Yeah I "know someone" with depression. Your friend needs to seek treatment. If there really are valid medical reasons for him to not take of the available medications, then it's all the more important that he sees a psychiatrist and tries other forms of treatment. You as a friend can't cure his depression. Putting it on yourself to make him feel better isn't fair to either one of you.

 

[Chikky]

Thank you guys!

I appreciate the advice given; while I cannot see him today, we are planning to meet someone else for dinner tomorrow. I try not to think badly that 'our' plans were cancelled yesterday, but he still wants to meet with the other guy tomorrow. Sometimes I do feel like maybe I'm more hindrance than help (kinda like when he told me the reason we go to the same place every week where they know us is because he needs to be around people who are happy and cheerful and make him forget. What about me??) But I ask because I care (even though he completely ignored my text when I asked how he was today at lunch).

I'll just continue to be there; maybe suggest a few more things for this weekend. Hopefully he'll feel better by then.

I just feel badly. I wish I were enough. I wonder if someone else would be. Sometimes it seems so.

But I truly am glad for the advice given. Thank you again.

 

[littlepickle]

No one person will ever be enough, that's not the way depression works. Glad the advice has helped a little