boyfriend of 16mo thinks of other girls?

[scrapbookromance]

my boyfriend and I have been together for 16 months. I'm at work, and he's talking to me online from home. and he tells me he had a weird dream last night. so I ask him about it. and he's all "no, no you'll hate me!" but finally I get him to tell me. here's the lowdown.

his friend from work's little sister and him were in an elevator, and they started making out and touching each other. he fingers her and goes down on her. they end up having sex, he takes her virginity. - thats pretty much the overview.

are these thoughts for him normal?! I think I'm holding back how offended I am, because I'm at work. but at the same time he can't control whats in his dreams. I'm his first serious girlfriend. he's dated a couple other girls but just went out to dinner or whatever and it never worked out. maybe its his mind being curious? I had one relatively serious relationship before him, and he knows about it. its not like what went on in his dream doesn't happen between us!! ok so I wasn't a virgin with him but he was with me and just...ugh!!

what am I supposed to say and do and think?! he keeps saying he's sorry and I can't say anything but "its ok it was just a dream you can't control that"

 

[Shimmer]

totally normal.
Fantasies are just that...fantasies. Reality is he's your boyfriend, not someone else's.
Even though it's someone he knows, if he's really not interested in her, it's just his brain taking a dump at night.

 

[scrapbookromance]

what if he is interested in her, but supresses those thoughts when he concious? what if this is his mind revealing that he's interested.

 

[Janice]

Do you not trust him or have a reason to doubt it's anything more than a fantasy? Are you not secure about your relationship, have things been rocky, do you trust him? (just questions for you to think on, you don't have to answer them publically)

IMO, if your relationship is healthy and your partner is comfortable enough to express his fanatasies to you (while your at work at that!) then I would be happy that I'm doing something right (i.e. he's sharing and involving you in his thoughts/fantasies), and I would make sure at least some part of that came true when I got home from work.

Don't punish him for expressing his inner dialouge to you, as long as he's not expressing interest, staring excessively, touching, or pursuing this woman, he's behaving. I honestly don't think we (or you) can speculate on what his subconcious is doing, that just seems a bit paranoid.

 

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by scrapbookromance what if he is interested in her, but supresses those thoughts when he concious? what if this is his mind revealing that he's interested.

I'm interested in Kenny Chesney. He happens to be a friend of my husband. Does that mean I'll pounce and doink his brains out should we meet up?
No.

As Janice said, be glad the trust level in your relationship is what it is that he feels as comfortable as he does at expressing his inner workings.

 

[IslandGirl77]

I agree with everyone else. Also, it sounded like he said he didn't want to share at first because he knew you might be offended. So maybe you should of just left it at that, so your mind wouldn't be wondering. Because, now that you know that...your just gonna beat yourself about it and start thinking all kinds of things. I don't think he meant any harm by it. When your sleeping you can't control what you dream about. I have lots of crazy dreams, that are not in my control. Like everyone said if you trust him than you have nothing to worry about it. It was a dream.

 

[litlaur]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Janice Don't punish him for expressing his inner dialouge to you, as long as he's not expressing interest, staring excessively, touching, or pursuing this woman, he's behaving. I honestly don't think we (or you) can speculate on what his subconcious is doing, that just seems a bit paranoid.

Agreed. If you have no other reason to think he's interested in someone else, don't worry about it

 

[scrapbookromance]

thank you so much everyone for talking some sense into me. the points you brought up I discussed with him to reassure that I trust him and appreciate him sharing his thoughts with me, and he was glad to hear it

 

[Jennifer Mcfly]

I've been with my bf for almost 2 years and we live together and I always have sex dreams about other guys, famous, not famous, friends. it's normal!

I've never had a desire (when I'm awake

) to be with anyone but my bf, so i just blow it off. No biggie, and I'm sure the same is true for your bf!

 

[YvetteJeannine]

I don't know....

While is IS normal for other guys to think of/even dream of other gals, I'd question the fact that he set you up to ask about it (not only that fact that he felt the need to tell you about it, but also that he had to be so detailed about it..I mean..c'mon!!!! He didn't just say "Uh, I had an intimate dream about _____", but telling you he fingered her, etc. etc....UGH!! ).

Totally IMO, there's something wrong w/ that picture. Why would he want to hurt/upset you??? It's strange that he baited you in to asking about the dream...First he tells you he has a strange dream...then he won't tell ya what it's about...Obviously he KNEW you'd ask...and what's more, he wanted to keep you on tenterhooks!!!! I don't know, but that rings alarm bells for me...The fact that he didn't care if he upset you (hell, he was obviously DYING to tell you!!) tells me there's something "missing" there. I hope you don't get upset that I'm being this candid w/ you (but in all fairness, you did ask

). This is just my opinion. If I were in your shoes, I'd keep an eye on insensitive behavior. Maybe this incident was a one-time-only thing-hopefully-But if he does this w/ any regularity, you might be inclined to show him the door.

I know I can speak for most gals here at Specktra when I say I really do care!!!! Let us know what happens. You have friends here!!

(((((HUGS))))) Yvette

 

[Wattage]

So he wanted to talk about it... big deal. Men love to talk about sex.

Honestly, I wouldn't be that bothered. There is a big difference between being sexually attracted to someone and being able to function in a long term relationship with someone.

You sound pretty young... don't sweat it.

 

[YvetteJeannine]

Quote:

Originally Posted by wattage So he wanted to talk about it... big deal. Men love to talk about sex. Honestly, I wouldn't be that bothered. There is a big difference between being sexually attracted to someone and being able to function in a long term relationship with someone. You sound pretty young... don't sweat it.

Yeah, well...

Anyway...I asked my husband about what he thought...just to have a man's POV (btw, he's not a prude by any stretch)...HE thought the same thing I did..yeah, it's normal for any man to have sexual dreams/thoughts about other women...but this is exactly what he said: "I don't care how young he is; if he's got any respect for his girlfriend, he won't be telling her about that kind of shit". It's personal; and if you switched situations, and told him something YOU dreamt like that...would HE like it??? Yeah, it's true...men DO love to talk about sex...but, talking about sex is one thing...this is a whole different thing!!!

Think of it this way...if it hurt you....THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG W/ IT!!!!

 

[pumpkincat210]

I asked my husband this too. He said bad move on the guys part. Even if he did have the dream he shouldn't tell you unless unless you are okay with that kind of thing but obviously it hurt your feelings, why would he want to do that to you?
So if he does this type of thing regularly i'd not stick around too much longer.

 

[NutMeg]

Quote:

Originally Posted by YvetteJeannine I don't know.... While is IS normal for other guys to think of/even dream of other gals, I'd question the fact that he set you up to ask about it (not only that fact that he felt the need to tell you about it, but also that he had to be so detailed about it..I mean..c'mon!!!! He didn't just say "Uh, I had an intimate dream about _____", but telling you he fingered her, etc. etc....UGH!! ). Totally IMO, there's something wrong w/ that picture. Why would he want to hurt/upset you??? It's strange that he baited you in to asking about the dream...First he tells you he has a strange dream...then he won't tell ya what it's about...Obviously he KNEW you'd ask...and what's more, he wanted to keep you on tenterhooks!!!! I don't know, but that rings alarm bells for me...The fact that he didn't care if he upset you (hell, he was obviously DYING to tell you!!) tells me there's something "missing" there. I hope you don't get upset that I'm being this candid w/ you (but in all fairness, you did ask ). This is just my opinion. If I were in your shoes, I'd keep an eye on insensitive behavior. Maybe this incident was a one-time-only thing-hopefully-But if he does this w/ any regularity, you might be inclined to show him the door. I know I can speak for most gals here at Specktra when I say I really do care!!!! Let us know what happens. You have friends here!! (((((HUGS))))) Yvette

Either that or he felt really bad and just wanted to get it out in the open so he didn't have to feel like he did something wrong.... Granted he was waaayyy too explicit but still, I can see how he could feel bad and want to get it off his chest.

 

[Eoraptor]

As a guy, I have to say that-

1. It's not a good idea to ascribe a motive to your boyfriend (or any guy, for that matter!). You don't know his perspective, and such hypothesized motives are often a projection of why YOU would act that way, or a subconscious attempt to fit some preconceived idea you have of him. The same goes for us guys trying to determine you girls' motives. There have been so many times a girl has thought I did something for reason X, and I'm like "ughh, no, that's not it at all".

2. No matter how hard we try, or how much we care, sometimes we just say something that ends up being hurtful. We don't want to hurt you, we just don't happen to realize at the time how it could hurt you. Nobody can know all the ways a remark could be taken, and it's very easy for a guy to have a different default reaction than a girl.

 

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by YvetteJeannine I don't know.... While is IS normal for other guys to think of/even dream of other gals, I'd question the fact that he set you up to ask about it (not only that fact that he felt the need to tell you about it, but also that he had to be so detailed about it..I mean..c'mon!!!! He didn't just say "Uh, I had an intimate dream about _____", but telling you he fingered her, etc. etc....UGH!! ). Totally IMO, there's something wrong w/ that picture. Why would he want to hurt/upset you??? It's strange that he baited you in to asking about the dream...First he tells you he has a strange dream...then he won't tell ya what it's about...Obviously he KNEW you'd ask...and what's more, he wanted to keep you on tenterhooks!!!! I don't know, but that rings alarm bells for me...The fact that he didn't care if he upset you (hell, he was obviously DYING to tell you!!) tells me there's something "missing" there. I hope you don't get upset that I'm being this candid w/ you (but in all fairness, you did ask ). This is just my opinion. If I were in your shoes, I'd keep an eye on insensitive behavior. Maybe this incident was a one-time-only thing-hopefully-But if he does this w/ any regularity, you might be inclined to show him the door. I know I can speak for most gals here at Specktra when I say I really do care!!!! Let us know what happens. You have friends here!! (((((HUGS))))) Yvette

Ahhh, this isn't entirely true.
In (for example) my husband's case, were he to have a dream about one of my best friends...he'd be so mindblown that he'd had that dream that he'd tell me the details, not because he was trying to hurt me but because even he found the situation so...weird.

 

[Wattage]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer Ahhh, this isn't entirely true. In (for example) my husband's case, were he to have a dream about one of my best friends...he'd be so mindblown that he'd had that dream that he'd tell me the details, not because he was trying to hurt me but because even he found the situation so...weird.

Shimmer... I totally agree. My SO tells me when he felt attracted to someone, not because it has ANYTHING to do with hurting me, but because we are just open and honest that way. I tell him when I am attracted to another man. It's completely normal to feel attracted to other people, it's just part of the human experience.

As for the rest of the thread...

I think it really comes down to personal preference. It's not fair to say that men should or should NOT tell their spouses something - it all depends on how the other party would potentially handle things. If the man knows the woman would be upset and become irrational, then he should know better than to tell her. If you have an open, hoenst and trusting relationship, then hopefully you can share these things. At the same time, perhaps being open and honest means both parties feel no need to disclose the information simply because they see how little bearing it has on their relationship.