Dating someone you're not attracted to
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ShugAvery2001
Well-known member
Quote:
Yeah thought about that too. Not looking forward to the sex... I'm doing pretty well for myself.. I certainly don't need a husband.. The guys I've dated have been sexxy and they've had alot of flare.. but they all had commitment issues..
Maybe it's a desperate move
Originally Posted by TISH1124
I asked my girlfriend if she could do it ....She said...Hell No because he would have to miss out on all the freaky things that you do to a man that you are physically attracted to... |
Yeah thought about that too. Not looking forward to the sex... I'm doing pretty well for myself.. I certainly don't need a husband.. The guys I've dated have been sexxy and they've had alot of flare.. but they all had commitment issues..
Maybe it's a desperate move
ShesNoGhost
Well-known member
I don't think it's a good idea. Yeah, someone can be great and awesome and wonderful, but if there isn't that something about them that gets you all hot I don't think it's worth it. They could still be a great friend, though.
Looks are only a fraction of physical attraction (a rhyme!). Just because someone's looks aren't typically what you find attractive, doesn't mean they don't possess that thing that just makes you wanna rip their clothes off and just go crazy. Likewise, someone could totally fit the bill of what you would typically like looks wise, but if they don't have the thing (I don't know what the thing is, I'm not sure anyone does. I think it's a super secret) the attraction will fade quickly.
Looks are only a fraction of physical attraction (a rhyme!). Just because someone's looks aren't typically what you find attractive, doesn't mean they don't possess that thing that just makes you wanna rip their clothes off and just go crazy. Likewise, someone could totally fit the bill of what you would typically like looks wise, but if they don't have the thing (I don't know what the thing is, I'm not sure anyone does. I think it's a super secret) the attraction will fade quickly.
kaliraksha
Well-known member
I've done it both ways. Jumping into a relationship with someone who is good on paper but no chemistry... well that ended in 6 months and I also freaked out during expected "intimate couple" moments. I wanted so hard to make it work, but he became a companion at best.
On the other hand, I've kept a friendships with guys I wasn't attracted to and ended up so attracted to their personality that I started to see them in a different way. Suddenly all I could think about was "having" my best guy friend, etc. There is nothing like realizing your best guy friend is seriously crushing on someone else to wake up the jealous monster and realize you might want him for yourself.
My vote is keep it as a friendship and don't force yourself to do anything unless your feelings or circumstances for him change- which they might.
On the other hand, I've kept a friendships with guys I wasn't attracted to and ended up so attracted to their personality that I started to see them in a different way. Suddenly all I could think about was "having" my best guy friend, etc. There is nothing like realizing your best guy friend is seriously crushing on someone else to wake up the jealous monster and realize you might want him for yourself.
My vote is keep it as a friendship and don't force yourself to do anything unless your feelings or circumstances for him change- which they might.
User38
Well-known member
sighs.. I married a man I was hugely attracted to in all senses. We were married for 22 years and were happy for the most part.
I was widowed 8 years ago (time flies) and I started to date 6 years ago. I met a man, who was everything, I thought I wanted. I mean everything. He was the BEST lover, and a great conversationalist -- we got along like a house on fire. But, something was "off" ... and it was that he did not tell me his real age. He was so fit and in shape that he told me he was 52 at the time.. and it turns out he was 66..lol. It did not bother me at first -- but then I felt he had played me and the lie was like a coffin in the living room. We broke up because I could no longer stomach the lie -- not that sometimes small lies can be said, but this was a big lie to me since he knew I wanted a long term relationship and at his age, long term meant I might be a widow yet again. I broke up with him and then met another loser..lolol.
Until I met my husband. I knew right away that he was the right man for me and he knew I was his woman too... and when that crazy Irish temper gets the better of him he builds something. I have a few chairs, a few chests and a lovely jewelry chest to show for it.
It takes time, but it happens and when it does, you will know it.
Don't settle!
I was widowed 8 years ago (time flies) and I started to date 6 years ago. I met a man, who was everything, I thought I wanted. I mean everything. He was the BEST lover, and a great conversationalist -- we got along like a house on fire. But, something was "off" ... and it was that he did not tell me his real age. He was so fit and in shape that he told me he was 52 at the time.. and it turns out he was 66..lol. It did not bother me at first -- but then I felt he had played me and the lie was like a coffin in the living room. We broke up because I could no longer stomach the lie -- not that sometimes small lies can be said, but this was a big lie to me since he knew I wanted a long term relationship and at his age, long term meant I might be a widow yet again. I broke up with him and then met another loser..lolol.
Until I met my husband. I knew right away that he was the right man for me and he knew I was his woman too... and when that crazy Irish temper gets the better of him he builds something. I have a few chairs, a few chests and a lovely jewelry chest to show for it.
It takes time, but it happens and when it does, you will know it.
Don't settle!
milamonster
Well-known member
ive been friends with guys that i never looked twice at but loved thier personality and foudn them attractive and would love to date them...so i do think its possible to end up liking and being attracted to this dude. however i dont htink a real relationship can exist without attraction.So i guess im coming from a diff standpoint from some . Im just talking about literally dating him...spending time with this dude. getting to know him. im not talking about anything further than that like a relationship or intimacy at this point. At that point that is where you would perhaps develop an attraction to him. I think dating is fun and people should go out on dates and give it a go i dont take it too serious. If you find that you are not attracted to him after spending that time still then let him know you should just be friends. but if you have bene knowing him for a while already (when you wrote this)and you dont feel anythign,then you probably never will... jjust let it go...
blindpassion
Well-known member
A big part of a relationship is attraction and sex (in my opinion)... if its not there, then thats not really a full relationship. Just sayin.
Like Tish always tells me: Ditch the zero, find your hero.
Seriously. You'll find someone who mesh's with you properly - this guy isn't it.
Like Tish always tells me: Ditch the zero, find your hero.
Seriously. You'll find someone who mesh's with you properly - this guy isn't it.
JULIA
Well-known member
You definitely have to decide if being physically attractive is a must when it comes to who you date.
I've dated someone I wasn't physically attracted too and it affected the relationship so bad, I had to leave the guy. Being intimate with him, going out with him in public...Ugh, everything was so difficult. I had to force myself to kiss him or hold hands with him when we were out together. It definitely made me seem super cold and distant. I would never do that again, I have standards for a reason.
I've dated someone I wasn't physically attracted too and it affected the relationship so bad, I had to leave the guy. Being intimate with him, going out with him in public...Ugh, everything was so difficult. I had to force myself to kiss him or hold hands with him when we were out together. It definitely made me seem super cold and distant. I would never do that again, I have standards for a reason.
Arisone
Well-known member
Honestly, I couldn't do it. In the past, I dated two unattractive guys. When I was out on a date, I was afraid that my friends, family or anyone I knew would see me. Going out in public was too awkward. Pedestrians would stare
. During one date, one woman boldly remarked "Why the hell is she out with that ?! The thought of getting intimate with made my stomach turn.
I went out with a guy who looks good on paper, but ended up being a total asshole. Like all guys who look good on paper, their bad qualities are hidden. So when it doesn't work out others assume its the woman's fault because the guy seems like a great catch.
Don't settle. I understand what you're going through. I haven't been out on a date with a decent guy in four years. My mother wasn't kidding when she said "The pickings are slim."
I went out with a guy who looks good on paper, but ended up being a total asshole. Like all guys who look good on paper, their bad qualities are hidden. So when it doesn't work out others assume its the woman's fault because the guy seems like a great catch.
Don't settle. I understand what you're going through. I haven't been out on a date with a decent guy in four years. My mother wasn't kidding when she said "The pickings are slim."
snowflakelashes
Well-known member
Honey, not sure if you still want input. But here's the thing. If you continue not to find him attractive you are doing both him and yourself a disservice by prolonging the relationship. Attractiveness isn't about looks either, that's not what I mean. You may not find a guy who is hot, but there are all kinds of things that make a guy sexy.
Looks Play a Roll
Voice (for me... A good set of vocal chords is hot)
Flirtatious - In the good way, a guy who knows how to flirt without coming off like a total dirt ball... who flatters me without making me feel cheap... that's special.
Geeky - I am a geek, I love geeks, I love geeks that love I'm a geek!
Outgoing - A guy who can work a room is so hot, doesn't matter what he looks like if he knows how to get people talking that is something I am superbly drawn to because I don't know how to do that myself..
The list goes on but the point is...there has to be something that sparks attraction to make a relationship work.
There's nothing wrong with looking to see if that something is there. I just would say don't drag that process out, the longer that lasts the more hurt everyone gets. You should know within afew dates whether there is 'something' there or not.
Looks Play a Roll
Voice (for me... A good set of vocal chords is hot)
Flirtatious - In the good way, a guy who knows how to flirt without coming off like a total dirt ball... who flatters me without making me feel cheap... that's special.
Geeky - I am a geek, I love geeks, I love geeks that love I'm a geek!
Outgoing - A guy who can work a room is so hot, doesn't matter what he looks like if he knows how to get people talking that is something I am superbly drawn to because I don't know how to do that myself..
The list goes on but the point is...there has to be something that sparks attraction to make a relationship work.
There's nothing wrong with looking to see if that something is there. I just would say don't drag that process out, the longer that lasts the more hurt everyone gets. You should know within afew dates whether there is 'something' there or not.
lyttleravyn
Well-known member
I definitely couldn't do it. And honestly, I broke up with a great guy because I was completely disgusted by his hands and feet. One or two of my friends called me shallow, but really its not being shallow, its evolution. I couldn't date someone that I didn't want to touch me. Just because they have a great personality, doesn't mean they're a potential significant other, it means they have a potential to be a friend. We don't think peacocks and other species are shallow, but most find their mate by displays of their physical looks (even called "peacocking"), its rooted in our primal core too.
abbyquack
Well-known member
I agree that looks are important, and to me, they were certainly a deal breaker- right around the time (just before) I started dating my now-husband, I dated a really cool guy who had the best of personalities but like a lot of people here, I had a hard time getting physical with him b/c I wasn't attracted. Then my husband and I started dating and I'm totally attracted to him PLUS his personality and mine just click, and that combo made all the difference.
HOWEVER, I think from what you've said it sounds like you might be looking mostly for companionship than some serious long-term relationship? In that case, I think you should casually pursue it, you never know if you end up finding him attractive based on that emotional attraction (as often occurs). Moreover, remember that eventually looks will fade and you will have to rely on the emotional connection you make with a person. Not to say good sex isn't a key component of a successful relationship- because it is- but the emphasis shouldn't be on that entirely.
Just make sure you don't break the man's heart and have fun getting to know each other
Good luck!
HOWEVER, I think from what you've said it sounds like you might be looking mostly for companionship than some serious long-term relationship? In that case, I think you should casually pursue it, you never know if you end up finding him attractive based on that emotional attraction (as often occurs). Moreover, remember that eventually looks will fade and you will have to rely on the emotional connection you make with a person. Not to say good sex isn't a key component of a successful relationship- because it is- but the emphasis shouldn't be on that entirely.
Just make sure you don't break the man's heart and have fun getting to know each other
Naija
Member
Quote:
That's exactly what I was thinking. A lot of time people settle, secretly hoping that something better would come along later. If looks are important to you, you will never be able to love him completely.
| Originally Posted by Skin*Deep
I think not being attracted to him could always be in the back of your mind, and it could leave you unintentionally waiting for the bigger, better thing to come along. I think the fact that you are second guessing it and looking for outside opinions at all is a sign that it is a problem. |
That's exactly what I was thinking. A lot of time people settle, secretly hoping that something better would come along later. If looks are important to you, you will never be able to love him completely.
sweetbabyblue
Well-known member
I see both sides, I definately agree that you need the attraction before having a relationship with someone.
For me, my story was almost identical to Casadalinnis. To be honest, I was not initially physically attracted to my current bf at all. He was opposite to what I normally am attracted to, and on paper excluding personality, there are better options out there.
We were friends and things grew over the space of a year. As I got to know him more as a person, I started to care about him more, he's just an absolutely beautiful person inside. Maybe it's the hormones
but now I find him pretty damn hot!
We've been together for three and a half years, he makes me so happy and I love him
So it is possible to find someone become more attractive in your eyes, BUT that may not necessarily be the case for you and for me it was gradual.
I wouldn't suggest pushing it. Maybe just be friends and if things change later then it will. But there's no point forcing it now.
HTH
For me, my story was almost identical to Casadalinnis. To be honest, I was not initially physically attracted to my current bf at all. He was opposite to what I normally am attracted to, and on paper excluding personality, there are better options out there.
We were friends and things grew over the space of a year. As I got to know him more as a person, I started to care about him more, he's just an absolutely beautiful person inside. Maybe it's the hormones
We've been together for three and a half years, he makes me so happy and I love him
So it is possible to find someone become more attractive in your eyes, BUT that may not necessarily be the case for you and for me it was gradual.
I wouldn't suggest pushing it. Maybe just be friends and if things change later then it will. But there's no point forcing it now.
HTH
lazytolove
Well-known member
My only advice is, just go for it if he's truly a nice person because there might be chemistry between you two. I've been there before.
