Dealing with a hated relative at a funeral (long)


Well-known member
My Gran died on Tuesday which is not nice at the best of times but this is made much worse by the fact that her funeral will take place exactly 1 year and 1 day after my Mum died. Normally, in Scotland funerals take place 3 or 4 working days after death but due to the extreme weather and the resulting backlog it is a fortnight later, if it had happened as usual there would have been no problem, I would have gone and just ignored the people I'm thinking of but the extra time has given me more to think about.

When I was about 5 my Mum had a very successful business which was expanding rapidly, one day my Dads cousin M came to her and asked for a job, my Mum and M had never got on as M was insanely jealous of my Mum who had nice things because she was clever, charming and hardworking, M wanted what my Mum had but had none of the intelligence, charm and most significantly she wanted to sit on her backside and just be given everything, on Christmas M and her brother (who has been in and out of jail since he was 17) turned up at my Grans when my parents and aunts and uncle were there and M knowing my Gran wasn't too keen on my Mum (this was 15 years or so before the big event) started causing trouble and her brother accosted my Mum in the hall demanding a 'proper' christmas kiss, which was overheard by everyone else including my Dad who when ballistic and they ended up fighting with him running off after pulling a knife out on one of my Aunts but M, stayed put and really amped up the venom on my Mum. In the End my Dad told my Gran to decide if she wanted M to stay or him and if she chose M he would leave and she'd never see him or any kids he'd have again, so she told M to get out of her house and never come back. In light of this, Mum should have realised that M should have been told to get lost but my Mum was a decent Christian woman who couldn't lightly turn away a relative who was apparently in need especially with children (her youngest was about 8) to provide for, so she gave M a pretty good job.

Anyway to cut along story short M and 2 accomplices robbed her blind, and when she reported it to the police they claimed it was her and years of Hell began with a corrupt detective with known links to Glasgow gangsters (going as far as to attend their funerals and sitting up front with close relatives- which is unheard of) trying to fit her up (I have seen the evidence and although I know my parents were telling the truth, I put it to the same level of scrutiny-perhaps even more- than I do the the cases for Uni so that I could evaluate the evidence myself and it is clear why the Crown Office refused to touch the case) and failing but nevertheless the financial strain resulted in bankruptcy and the emotional strain in severe depression as well as my brother and I having an awful childhood.

As you can imagine I am less than thrilled at the prospect of seeing this person at the funeral, she has been over at my Aunts house stirring up trouble and acted all hurt when she found out my Mum was dead and no-one had told her, and asked for our new address to send her "condolences", my aunts told her that was out of the question and apparently my cousin C, has taken an immediate dislike to her, which is a relief as C had never met her and is pretty smart and I don't think she really knows happened. Apparently, there was a massive controversy where M had to leave her job in a bookies (money was going missing), and is now working in an old folks home and bragging of 'gifts' she gets off the old people. Her family can't help but cause trouble and they seem to be planning to turn up en masse to the funeral, I can understand her siblings but I dont understand her kids and their extended families as they never met my Gran and given that she has been smarting over being kicked out of my Grans house in favour of my Mum (as she sees it) I don't get why they'd want to go, unless to cause trouble or back her up. As I do not think my Gran's funeral is the appropriate platform to air grievances I will hold my tongue but she is unable to resist bad mouthing people and causing trouble and I refuse to allow her to drag my Mums name through the muck and My Dad does not deserve to hear her bad mouth the love of his life, especially at such an important anniversary and at his Mothers funeral and it would upset my brother who I'm very protective of. I don't know how to deal with this, my Dad says tell my Aunts and since Aunt J is the next of kin and there will be a family thing at her house ( a bit like a wake) and although tradition dictates that relatives (she was Grans niece by the brother she was closest to) go to that, she can throw her out if she tries anything but if they go in a large group it is impossible to avoid them as she lives in a small house and even if i try to stay with my cousins and brother out the way she has kids close to my age who might try to stay near our age group, I will not tolerate them venting their mothers bile and lies about my Mum. This is a really bad situation and I am not sure how I will cope with it, I will try and keep my temper and behave in a manner that my Mum would be proud of and that shows my Gran due respect but this is really stressing me out as what she did to my family was just so terrible and I have waited years to confront her and try to force the truth out of her, My Gran had been fine until the recent stroke (which resulted in her death) so I expected to have a couple more years to get prepared for this.


Well-known member
I'm sorry for your losses. Sounds like you have had a very hard time of it. The best advice I can give you is to not engage with them. If avoidance doesn't work and they seek you out at the funeral, be polite and brief and get away from them as fast as possible. You are definitely right to be furious with these people but because it's a delicate situation, being at a funeral, the best thing would be to just try to avoid them. If you behave maturely and with class, the people around you will respect and support that. Honestly, you'd be justified to slap that woman across the face, but not letting her get the attention she's seeking by fighting with you would be just as big of a blow to her ego.


Well-known member
i'm so sorry to hear about your gran an i'm also sorry about your mum. i completely understand about how you feel about this person but i think it would be best if you just ignored them at the funeral. if M tries to communicate with you just state you dont wish to discuss anything right now and turn away. good luck and stay strong

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