Friend Troubles


Okay, I would like advice from all of you beautiful people ;-)

My circle of friends consists of 8 girls. There is a 9th girl who hasn't been able to click with anyone else and the only two of us that speak to her are myself and another girl who is just as empathetic as I am.

It started out that I included this girl, well call her Lisa, and invite her to some of our events or activities, be it dinner or a trip to a museum etc. We went out dozens of times and each time, I was her baby sitter. Meaning, she doesn't talk, she observes without sharing any piece of her life at all and without offering up little anecdotes or commentary. The other girls couldn't click with her, they tried but Lisa barely spoke.

Unless you asked her how to craft or bake something, there really was no interaction. So after going on like this for a few years, finally, the girls came to me (minus the other empath) and told me that they would prefer that I not include Lisa because she just sits there like a mute and they are not able to form a friendship with her. SO, I stopped including Lisa in the group outings however, I did continue to have lunch with her here and there and text etc. She noticed that I was out one night having dinner because one of the girls tagged me on facebook. She was devastated and asked me why I hadn't invited her; eventually I relented and told her that it was hard for the other girls to relate to her because she doesn't interact or share and only sits there and observes.

She admitted that she had a social problem and was hoping to get through it. I explained to her that I didn't want to force her onto the other girls because, the fact is that she had made no effort in three years to contact or call them directly and therefore, no individual friendship or closeness was formed. I told her that I was patient enough to wait for her to come out of her shell but that I found her behavior odd and her detachment strange. I come from a family who hugs and kisses and all of the other girls will kiss each other on the cheek an say hello, sometimes there is hugging depending on how long it has been that we have seen each other.

Lisa's most awkward moments have been at the arrival of an event (where girls tried to kiss her on the cheek) and she'd freeze and get nervous or at the farewell where the same thing would occur. The girls don't understand her behavior and they would get offended by it.

I don't know what to do with this girlfriend. It's now been six years, we had a birthday dinner the other night and the birthday girl did not invite Lisa. As soon as she saw the facebook pictures, she started texting and calling and complaining. My whole thing is this "when is the last time you made contact or made an effort on your own where you didn't use me as a buffer?" and "why do you feel so entitled to be a dinner for girl that you haven't called or texted or tried to make friends with in four years?" She says she's over it (not being included) but I know that she isn't . She only goes out to meetup group functions and only two of us entertain a lunch with her where we both shared with each other that we do all of the talking and we feel like we're doing all of the conversational work and prompting. I don't know what's wrong with her. I also believe she is A Sexual because she doesn't date and is not attracted to men or women. At these dinners we talk openly about sex and other topics and she would turn purple, pink and red and start to twitch.

Does anyone have any idea what her underlying issues might be? I've advised her to go to therapy because after six years of knowing her, she is still socially awkward and I know no more now about her, than I did the day that I met her?? I want to break up with her (friendship wise) because I can't handle her anymore. If I knew what I was dealing with, maybe I could help her but I feel as though after all these years, she still can't open up to me, I don't know what to do??


Specktra Bestie
There are a lot of things that could be causing this, however 6 years is a long time to wait for it to get better. It sounds like she's using you as a crutch to avoid dealing with her social anxiety. I think that encouraging her to get therapy is a good thing, because ultimately that's what she probably needs.

The only other thing that I can recommend is inviting her out to do something with maybe one other person at a time, which might allow her to bond with them as well... Ultimately, though, she has to be willing to make some kind of effort. Good luck.

Latest posts