he needs too much attention?

[jjjenko]

Me and my boyfriend have been dating since last Aug and on new years of this year we decided to make it official.

Lately I've been going insane, because I feel like he's being too needy/needs too much attention. We go to school an hour apart, but we see each other every weekend.

It first started one day when we got in a fight and I called him rude and mean... and he started crying.

Every party we've been to together after that, he keeps getting upset afterwards and saying I didn't talk to him enough or pay him enough attention. I felt like I was talking to him, but trying to make some new friends at the same time.

I don't party a lot or go out a lot, so when I go out, I try to make some new friends and meet some new people.

When he takes me to parties where I don't know anyone, I try and make an effort to try and meet his friends and talk to them and get to know them.

This past weekend, we went to a rave. I was having a good time, dancing with him, and meeting new people. I haven't been to a rave since last yr, Halloween, so I was super excited, and wanted to make some new friends. While I was talking to new people, I made sure to pay attention to my boyfriend. I made sure to dance with him, kiss him, and massage him (we were on E). I had a super fun time, and was really happy. But when it ended my boyfriend started crying because he said I didn't pay enough attention to him, I didn't make out with him enough, and that I was paying more attention to the new people I met. I really wanted him to have fun, and because he didn't, it totally ruined both of our nights.

I just think that because we spend so much time together (we rarely party together, we don't have cars so we don't go out) that when we do go out to parties/raves, we shouldn't have to cling onto each other so much.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I have to babysit him whenever we go out. I want to party and rave without him, but then he'll get mad if I don't invite him. He's really sensitive, so I don't know how to bring this up to him or what to say.

Any ideas?

 

[kaliraksha]

Although you haven't mentioned it, I get the feeling he's insecure. There is no easy way around this, no simple advice, IMO. I think foremost you have to talk to him and get to the root of the problem. Without knowing why he behaves the way he does, there is no chance to fix it. You've done exactly what I would have done given the situation- tried to pay more attention to him. Is it that he honestly doesn't want to share you when he has time with you? In that case you may have to rethink going to parties as part of your entertainment with him or just go alone or with girlfriends? Or is he worried that you're an attractive outgoing girl who has options?

Wow, I would be so frustrated with that... egos are so sensitive. Good luck treading lightly. Hope you get to the root of this and it's a simple fix.

 

[Meisje]

I agree, he's insecure. But it's manifesting in such a needy, demanding way that I don't know how you can put up with it. There is a happy medium with couples out in social situations. Nobody wants a mate who ditches them and works the room solo, only collecting them to leave. But it sounds like you spend plenty of time focused on your boyfriend, only to have him ACT like you abandoned him no matter what you do.

Sounds like he has a bit of a victim complex and for some reason needs you in an apologetic, comforting mode all the time --- maybe he only feels secure when you're comforting him. But that's seriously HIS problem and something he needs to deal with.

I think the next time he bawls and accuses you of ignoring him you shouldn't engage in a fight, nor should you apologize. You should stay as calm and rational as possible and try to talk it out with him, emphasizing that the point of a social outing IS to mix with other people and that you DON'T feel there's anything wrong with your behaviour, and that he shouldn't think you love him less just because you talk to others. If he starts to cry, tell him he needs to calm down before you can discuss it (and wait for him to stop).

I think you have a guy who is going to be jealous of every second you spend with anyone else, and instead of getting mad, uses guilt to try to keep you focused on him and him only. Hopefully he can get over it.

 

[jjjenko]

thanks for your tips.. i will give it a try

 

[MamaLaura]

My boyfriend is kind of similar. He doesn't seem to go into the freak out mode that you're describing but he is very needy. He needs a lot of reassurance that my romantic/sexual attention is on him. The little things matter to him, but they don't to me. It gets incredibly frustrating. We're just very different when it comes to attention and affection.

One thing that I've noticed that helps us work through it, is when we discuss the issue randomly. Bring up the topic and talk to him about it during a time when he isn't upset over the supposed lack of attention. If you discuss it when he's already upset, it likely won't make any progress because he's already feeling like a victim. It does suck to have to bring it up out of the blue, because it's a no bueno topic and can lead to tears from your man, but it'll be easier to get through to him when he starts out in a good/neutral mood. Hopefully together you'll be able to figure out why he feels the way he does, and you can explain to him your side of things. Further, without him being whiny right off the bat, you may end up with more patience to carry the conversation out for as long as needed.

If he gets too upset, take a break and come back to it later. Don't pressure yourself to come to a resolution quickly. It may or may not happen. Just say what you need to say, let him say what he needs to say, and compromise as necessary.

As a possible compromise, perhaps you could suggest to him that when he's feeling like he doesn't have enough of your attention, he can initiate some more. If he wants to talk to you more, he can initiate a conversation. If he wants more physical affection, he can kiss you or hold your hand.

 

[SnowAngel1106]

I don't know if anyone else has said it, but maybe because you guys don't see each other much during the week due to school or whatever - maybe he feels like he should be the focus of all your attention while you're together on the weekends.

Definitely talk to him about how you feel and how by trying to hold you so tight - he's starting to push you away. Hopefully you guys can come to a compromise if he's willing to talk to you about why he's acting that way...

Good luck.

 

[Meisje]

It might also help to try to figure out WHY he feels this way --- not regarding you in particular, but in a larger sense --- What is it that's happened in his life to make him so needy, paranoid and so terrified of abandonment?

He might not even realize how out of proportion his reactions are if they're rooted in something from his past.

 

[MACPixie]

You are a saint to put up with him! That would drive me insane. I'm not a very sensitive person and I tend to be blunt with others. I'd have probably told him to gently remove his tampon and man up by now.

Sorry, sounds harsh but as adults, he needs to face his own issues. You can support him but you can't fix him and this sounds like an issue that he needs to take care of.

Me and my boyfriend have been together 7 years, and for 4 of those years we've lived 5 hrs apart. We see each other in the summer, at Christmas and reading week and usually 1-2 weekends per semester in between. If he came up here and behaved like that I would be furious.

 

[kaliraksha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MACPixie You are a saint to put up with him! That would drive me insane. I'm not a very sensitive person and I tend to be blunt with others. I'd have probably told him to gently remove his tampon and man up by now. Sorry, sounds harsh but as adults, he needs to face his own issues. You can support him but you can't fix him and this sounds like an issue that he needs to take care of. Me and my boyfriend have been together 7 years, and for 4 of those years we've lived 5 hrs apart. We see each other in the summer, at Christmas and reading week and usually 1-2 weekends per semester in between. If he came up here and behaved like that I would be furious.

Haha, wow, I love how incredibly no nonsense tough love you are. I need a little more of that in my life.

 

[MACPixie]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kaliraksha Haha, wow, I love how incredibly no nonsense tough love you are. I need a little more of that in my life.

Haha I saw my best friend go through a lot because her boyfriend was so insecure in their relationship. She was depressed and always stressed out and never felt like she could go out and have fun with her friends without feeling guilty. It mostly stemmed from her not talking to him about their problems and that was so frustrating.

If my boyfriend is bugging me, he hears about it instantly. It allows me to tell him to stop and tell him what he's doing wrong before it ends up building tension and contributing to a bigger fight.

It's just not worth the drama.

 

[QueenBam]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MACPixie It's just not worth the drama.

I just wanted to add to this... guys who are needy/clingy also end up being HUUUUUUGE drama queens in the future when the relationship is over! my ex in HS used to be like this and its been 3 years and he still tries to contact me and be "friends" and find out about my love life.... bitch get over it! lol

 

[Meisje]

I wonder how the OP is doing?

 

[jjjenko]

I talked to him about it. He said he would try to be better, but this weekend I was talking about what I did at a party a year before I met him... and he got mad about it (WTF!?!). The same day he got mad because he said that when he first met me in the club... he saw me making out with someone else after I made out with him. I don't understand how he can apply that to now, since people change when they are single vs. in a relationship.

So I told him that we needed to take a break because I was unhappy with our relationship, and how he always made it seem like I was doing something wrong... but really I didn't do anything wrong to him. I'm open to giving him another chance to see if he really changes, if not, I'm done for good. It feels like I'm the man and dating a needy/emotional girl. I hope it all works out in the end.

Thank you all for your support and suggestions.

 

[kaliraksha]

Oh wow, a year ago before you met him! Yeah, you probably made a wise choice to give him some time and you some space.

Thanks for the update. Hope you're doing great =)