Moving a child away from family?

[fingie]

I feel like everyone in my (real) life is going to give me a biased answer, so I am turning to you lovely people for some advice..

Back Story:
I had my daughter when I was 20 (2006) and her father and I stayed together (although off and on) until last year. He lives very close and is active in her life...he has her 1-2 nights per week. We have a sometimes tumultuous friendship because sometimes he is nice to me and sometimes he is just a total d***. There is no court ordered paperwork on our situation, so he doesn't pay child support and theres no custody orders or anything. (btw, I let him off easy with the lack of child support because I know hes in a rough spot with the economy right now and I make enough to provide for my daughter and then some)

Anyways, I've been dating a wonderful guy since last fall. Unfortunately, shortly after we met he got sent from up here (Upstate NY) down to a base in GA (he's in the army, obviously). Now what I'm dealing with is what the hell should I do...I want to be with him and have always wanted to move out of state (in fact if I hadn't gotten preg I would have probably moved away around the time my daughter was born) but at the same time I am SO scared of making the wrong choice for my daughter. I know he wants us down there asap because hes sick of doing the long distance thing...but I'm just so scared I guess. I don't know how to balance my wants/needs as an adult with those of my childs...I know that neither one of our happiness' is more important than the other, but I am struggling so hard with it. I just have such a hard time with letting people down or hurting peoples feelings because I feel so guilty afterwards.

On top of this, he is facing another deployment but is also needing multiple surgeries on his feet which could cause him to miss the deployment. So I guess the 2 options are these: a) Stay in NY until after the deployment (so late 2010/early 2011--assuming his body holds up through the deployment and nothing happens that requires emergency surgery or something) or b) Move down there and he pursues the surgeries since he would have someone there to take care of him (He has needed these surgeries since his last deployment last year)

Now I know if I choose option A that it would probably hurt his feelings a lot because he has a rough history/childhood and has been doing LDR for a long time and just wants to feel "normal". If I choose B, well, I'm just confused on what the best way to go about it is..like as far as how to bring it up to her biological father, the legalities of it, how it would neg/pos affect her to do it this young, etc etc. Oh, and I should mention that my daughter has met my new guy and has even flown with me to GA this past spring to stay for a few days (and we will be doing it again in July). They get along wonderfully and he is great with her.

So if anyone has any opinions/input on personal experiences or whatever...please leave a comment

I know this post was all over the place but I'm just so confused because in the end *someone* will be hurt and I just hate doing that to people that I care about.

 

[TISH1124]

Thats a tough decision....I mean you have to be sure the relationship you are moving closer to is going to be a long-term one....I moved away from my son's father when my son was 8 months old...because I was his mother and I was the sole support for him. It did not mean I was taking him away from his father...Just unfortunately making him have to travel to see him. However I did it for employment reasons....I mean I am really not sure how I would react in your situation...I guess if I was engaged to him, maybe...Not sure however child or no child if I would uproot my life without some promise of security in the relationship.
But in the end I guess you have to do what is best for you and your daughter.

Good Luck I hope whatever decision you make works for the best for all involved.

 

[FiestyFemme]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TISH1127 Thats a tough decision....I mean you have to be sure the relationship you are moving closer to is going to be a long-term one....Not sure however child or no child if I would uproot my life without some promise of security in the relationship.

ITA with Tish. Since your ex is active in your daughter's life, I would make sure this is a relationship that is going to last before you uproot her. I'm sure your ex wouldn't be happy about it, but if you do choose to move, it's not like you're taking her away from him. He would have to travel farther to see her, but it's not impossible. And you said your BF is great with your daughter, and that they like each other... I think it's important for your ex to know that, too. Good luck with whatever decision you make! You just have to do whatever you feel is right for you and your baby girl... you're going to have to let someone down regardless, so go with your gut.

 

[NutMeg]

The thing is... becuase there is no legal agreement about custody, he could very easily make a bid for full custody based on the fact that you want to move and take your daughter. He could also try for child support. He has just as much right to your daughter as you. Are you willing to risk loosing custody of your daughter for this move?

ETA: He could also require that you pay for all of the travel costs associated with either him flying to see her, or her flying back to see him.

 

[MxAxC-_ATTACK]

A friend of mine was in your same situation before she moved out of state with her 5 year old son.

Her and her child's father currently have shared custody, She lives in Arizona, He lives in California.She is currently getting married to someone in the Army and may face moving to another state again in 2011.

Her child's father didn't make it easy for her to move, but in the long run everything ended up in her favor as she is the mother, she fully supports her child.

Like others said before you, You need to be 100% SURE that this relationship is going to be in it for the long run before you move your child away.

I personally, would wait until he gets back from deployment.

 

[gildedangel]

Quote:

Originally Posted by NutMeg The thing is... becuase there is no legal agreement about custody, he could very easily make a bid for full custody based on the fact that you want to move and take your daughter. He could also try for child support. He has just as much right to your daughter as you. Are you willing to risk loosing custody of your daughter for this move? ETA: He could also require that you pay for all of the travel costs associated with either him flying to see her, or her flying back to see him.

This is actually very unlikely, primary custody is always given to the mother unless she is deemed unfit to take care of the child. Moms get custody 95% of the time, even in cases like this one. Also if he is going through an economic rough patch it is even more unlikely because he may not be able to support the child on his own even with child support. I think that you should move down to GA if you really believe that this man is a person that you want to be with long term. I know that it is a hard decision but I know that you will make the right decision for you and your daughter.

 

[mtrimier]

I hate to say this, but regardless of what you decide to do, I would look into speaking with an attorney regarding custody of your child.