My fiance tried to commit suicide...

[HoneyDip]

I'mma jump right into it:

Last V-Day my fiance admitted he cheated on me during the 5 years of our relationship. It was long-distance for some parts, but we were relly close, it was a too good to be true relationship. I never in a million years woulda thought that.
I don't know if he told me everything, but his friends even said there was more to the stories he confessed up to. They were not sure though, sometimes it would seem like he just made up stories bout girls to be a 'pimp', eventho nothing happened. crazy.

The next days his phone was disconnected, I was mad that he ain't even give me no answers to my questions and had no choice but to move on and god knows this was the hardest thing EVER, I loved this guy so much, we were about to get married soon.
Last night I found out he tried to kill himself, I know he was in a lotta trouble lately (financially, with court and his career was goin downhill). If you know his lifestory you'd understand why he had a lot of issues, was kind of schizophrenic. to me, he was always very sweet.

Now the thing is, I made my decision.. I cannot stay with him, there is no future for us.
It is still so hard for me to see how someone with a lot of potential just threw it all away, he is gonna get discharged from the military for bein mentally not stable.
I still care so much for him and god knows it hurts me the most to have to let go.. He was the one for me.

I don't know how to deal with it.. he cried to me on the phone that he loves me and he wants to recover and be a changed person. That is just not realistic. I am so torn. Of couse I still love him but he is makin it so hard.

 

[LMD84]

oh goodness. wow, when i read your first post about him i thought staying with him would be good. but now after all of this perhaps you should split. mianly so that he can deal with his issues on his own, and have no distractions from getting better. i have no more advice, i can't imagine how upset you must feel right now. but you can always vent here if you need people to talk to

 

[dietcokeg]

iam not even going to try to give you advice on this becuase ive never been in a situtation like this. I say follow your heart, try to show him perhaps theres more to life and everyting happens for a reason and the grass is always greener on the other side but never blame yourself for anything he does with his life - its not ur fault in any way, shape or form.
FOLLOW YOUR HEART X

 

[Meisje]

Make sure he is checked into a mental hospital for evaluation.

Even though he's betrayed you, make sure he gets admitted to the hospital and has a proper assessment --- a doctor needs to make sure he won't make another attempt on his life, and he may need medication and counselling. You say that his life was very difficult, and that makes me think there might not be anyone else to advocate for him. If there is someone who will be taking charge of his care at this time, I think you need to impress on this person that a suicide attempt is NOT a self-healing wound, and even though it's easiest on others to pretend it didn't happen, HE NEEDS MENTAL HEALTH CARE. I have seen so many relatives and loved ones ignore cries for help...

Think of it the same way you'd think about any other medical issue: if he went into insulin shock, people would want to make sure he had his blood sugar regulated to eliminate the risk.

You don't owe it to him, of course, but you said you still care about him and if his mental health isn't medically attended to, then this will likely happen again.

A person who is suffering from a mental illness will do things they wouldn't normally do. That's not an excuse, and it doesn't mean he's not responsible for what he did --- it's just a statement of fact. After he is treated, then it's up to you if you want to have him in your life at all. You might find that once he's being treated, things are different, or you might not. It would be perfectly acceptable for you to walk away from him completely and not look back, but for your own peace of mind, I'd recommend trying to ensure he's getting medical help before you do so. Then you'll know you did everything you could to help someone you cared for.

 

[panda0410]

I have been in a similar siutaion - but in different shoes. My father admitted to years of infidelity to my step mother (only because he got caught in the first instance) who then justifiably threw him out. He had no job, lots of *other* issues, and like your fiance his life was heading downhill rapidly. He came to me and asked for help, he told me outright he was going to suicide - my father abused me for years as a child and I had very little compassion for him, but recognised the need for some mental health help so I took him to the GP (he refused point blank to go the hospital) who assessed him and then let him go, even when I pleaded to have him scheduled. Two days later he suicided.

The thing is this, I loved my father, but could not forgive him for what he had done. My love for him as a daughter was what made me seek help for him, and perhaps your connection for your fiance can help you help him too - it doesnt mean you have to take him back (and perhaps you probably shouldnt). But there is a concise difference between love of the heart and basic humanity.

My father was always a stubborn and manipulative man, he wheedled his way out of that drs office only to suicide later, but on a personal level I know within myself that I would have regretted not attempting to help his situation.

 

[Meisje]

Panda, you definitely did all you could. That doctor was dismissive and irresponsible. Anyone who has threatened self-harm needs to be involuntarily committed for their own good. It's really sad, but it seems like about half of the medical profession is internally rolling their eyes and sighing when they have to deal with the mentally ill, as if it's a waste of time. I find that attitude appalling for so many reasons. Part of the modern Hippocratic Oath is "Most especially must I tread with care in matters of life and death." It's like some doctors don't see mental illness as a life or death matter, and really, they should know better.

Thanks for your comments, you better explained what I was trying to communicate.

 

[HoneyDip]

Hello!
Thank you for your input, I really appreciate it.
At this point I already decided for myself that I have to move on and it's the best for me (and I think in a long run also for him) that we go seperate ways. He hurt me so, so much, I cannot accept that someone cheated on me and lied to me and all his people the way he did. He is in a mental hospital at the moment and called me from over there, I was nice to him on the phone but I hope that his doctors will advise him that it's the best to just let me go. I don't know how things work over there.. how long he's gonna stay, how they gonna cure him and what not.

I'm a little upset with the fact that I think I have the right to be pissed.. and to think negative about him due to the fact that he was a straight up cheater and hurt me so much, but the situation right now makes it impossible and turns it all around!! He said he was gonna come after me no matter what.. but hearing that from a mentally not very stable person is just a little scary.

 

[Meisje]

As long as he's in proper care, there's nothing for you to do. You definitely DO have the right to be pissed but it's good that you realize he's too fragile to handle it right now. It's good to tread gently with him in his current state. That doesn't mean you can't be angry at him, or refuse to reconcile --- just save any discussions that might intensify his guilt until he's feeling better.

I think you should talk to his doctors and see what the best way to proceed is. They might be able to help you figure out how to relate to him and what to say/what not to say, and also tell you how long he will be held and what his long-term treatment will be. They might also be able to give you advice on how to handle it if he refuses to go away.

You know, he may be holding on to you not only out of love but out of a need to make amends. That's something you can sort out with him when he's feeling better.

 

[LoveMakeup4Real]

Quote:

Originally Posted by HoneyDip Hello! Thank you for your input, I really appreciate it. At this point I already decided for myself that I have to move on and it's the best for me (and I think in a long run also for him) that we go seperate ways. He hurt me so, so much, I cannot accept that someone cheated on me and lied to me and all his people the way he did. He is in a mental hospital at the moment and called me from over there, I was nice to him on the phone but I hope that his doctors will advise him that it's the best to just let me go. I don't know how things work over there.. how long he's gonna stay, how they gonna cure him and what not. I'm a little upset with the fact that I think I have the right to be pissed.. and to think negative about him due to the fact that he was a straight up cheater and hurt me so much, but the situation right now makes it impossible and turns it all around!! He said he was gonna come after me no matter what.. but hearing that from a mentally not very stable person is just a little scary.

He's all of a sudden scary but yet you were with him for 5 long years and on top of that you were engaged to him...not much frightens you, huh? Anyway, I'm sorry to hear about your situation but it seems like so much is going on at once. Anyone who commits or attempts a suicide does so because of their personal reason(s); do not carry their burden! Or feel any responsibility or guilt. I also believe it's a selfish act but I'm not going to get into that. I think it is best that you keep your distance from him. He is clearly unstable at the moment; he is in dire need of professional help which he seems to be getting. Good. You mentioned he has cheated on you during the relationship, that's horrible. That was an unhealthy relationship. I'm sure the signs of infidelity were there but was disregarded. Do you have any children with this man? At any rate, it is a great idea that you have decided to move on.

 

[Meisje]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoveMakeup4Real I also believe it's a selfish act but I'm not going to get into that.

The intense shame associated with mental illness is the major reason that people refuse to seek help.

 

[HoneyDip]

No, I fortunately do not have any kids with this guy.

A lot of time of these 5 years we spent in a long distance relationship, and I felt like it brought a lot of positive aspects to my life. I was able to focus on my studies and almost finished my two majors.
I consider myself as a mentally stable person and happy most of the time, not only b/c I have a great relationship to my parents and loving friends, but also b/c I have lots of things that I love doing in my life. He was in the military, moved somewhere where he didn't no anybody and I guess.. that was leading him into getting caught up with situations. You guys have to believe him, he was very sweet, wrote me letters, proposing to me on his knees at night at the beach, coming to see me overseas multiple times, and his friends even told me how often he would cry that he misses me. But then again, he would cheat and try (!.. yes I said try, he has problems with getting an erection) sleepin with other chicks.. As I said, he made up a lot of stories and lie, I can't really tell what was really him.

I need so much strength right now for myself, just to get over the fact that he hurt me so deeply. But no, EVEN NOW, I need to be strong for him.
I just wanna get over it and eventually find a man that can be strong for me & a family.
And no, I don't think it is my fault at all, I loved this man with every part of me..

 

[Meisje]

Quote:

Originally Posted by HoneyDip No, I fortunately do not have any kids with this guy. A lot of time of these 5 years we spent in a long distance relationship, and I felt like it brought a lot of positive aspects to my life. I was able to focus on my studies and almost finished my two majors. I consider myself as a mentally stable person and happy most of the time, not only b/c I have a great relationship to my parents and loving friends, but also b/c I have lots of things that I love doing in my life.

All of the things you said here make me happy. First of all, even though you're hurt and pissed off, you can still recognize that some good things that came out of the relationship. Second, it's clear you have a support system that is totally independent from him. Third, you have maintained your own interests, which is really important --- a lot of people get swallowed up by relationships and give up on everything they like to do in order to wait for calls, emails and attention from that person. Obviously you're strong, independent and self-assured.


Quote:

And no, I don't think it is my fault at all, I loved this man with every part of me..

Definitely not your fault. It doesn't matter how much you put into a relationship, the other person may have underlying issues that are out of your control.

 

[LoveMakeup4Real]

Quote:

Originally Posted by HoneyDip No, I fortunately do not have any kids with this guy. A lot of time of these 5 years we spent in a long distance relationship, and I felt like it brought a lot of positive aspects to my life. I was able to focus on my studies and almost finished my two majors. I consider myself as a mentally stable person and happy most of the time, not only b/c I have a great relationship to my parents and loving friends, but also b/c I have lots of things that I love doing in my life. He was in the military, moved somewhere where he didn't no anybody and I guess.. that was leading him into getting caught up with situations. You guys have to believe him, he was very sweet, wrote me letters, proposing to me on his knees at night at the beach, coming to see me overseas multiple times, and his friends even told me how often he would cry that he misses me. But then again, he would cheat and try (!.. yes I said try, he has problems with getting an erection) sleepin with other chicks.. As I said, he made up a lot of stories and lie, I can't really tell what was really him. I need so much strength right now for myself, just to get over the fact that he hurt me so deeply. But no, EVEN NOW, I need to be strong for him. I just wanna get over it and eventually find a man that can be strong for me & a family. And no, I don't think it is my fault at all, I loved this man with every part of me..

Yeah I hear ya, very tough situation. Just hang in there and remain strong. You're doing a good job now. You can continue to be there for him emotionally. It'll get better

 

[dxgirly]

Has he been properly diagnosed in the hospital he's been admitted to now? I'd just be curious to know what it is, considering I'm bipolar with schitzoid tendencies myself.

Was he on medication before? Off my meds on the most lying manipulative person ever. And I have no conscious at all. It's awful.

I just hope they are giving him the help he needs in there and that he wants the help, because he really could turn his life around.

Don't blame yourself at all though hun. The times I've tried to commit suicide it was on nobody else's hands, and was a total self-involved thing.

I wish you luck because I've been in his place, and I know how hard it was for my family members to deal with me while I was going through it

 

[HoneyDip]

I really don't know what's goin on, he called me and told me he's in a mental hospital right now, I guess physically he's doin fine again but I don't think he's mentally stable.

I don't think he has ever been on medication for that before, not that I know..but I think him wanting to smoke marijuana was kind of like a stupid and wrong way of 'self-medication'. He said it would relax his mind (which probably a lot of ppl that smoke will agree with.. I don't know, b/c I don't do it), but now that I am aware of his issues..I think that probably even increased his paranoia.

I don't know what to do at the moment, because he is in the military and his commanders are not allowed to speak about the situation, so we only get information when he calls himself, he is not allowed to have his cellphone, so I guess he's gonna get in touch with us whenever his doctors allow him to.
I'm overseas, so it's pretty tough not bein able to do anything about the situation.
I have to move on for myself anyways, and with every passing minute I am getting more sure that it was the right decision.

 

[BEA2LS]

i agree with you decision to move on, you have to do what is good for you. you have to stay strong.. this is not your fault. i am very experienced with mentall illness and do disagree with a lot people have said (mainly about hospitalzation, i know for a fact that is not always the best option but that's just personal experience).

 

[Meisje]

The main advantage of hospitalization/committal when a person has just attempted suicide is their own safety. They will not have access to large amounts of drugs, dangerous materials (belts, sharp items are confiscated) and they are monitored 24/7.

Of course, it has other challenges, depending on where you are and who is attending to you. But it's important that people are watched all the time post-suicide-attempt, and it's too difficult for family/friends to have that responsibility.

 

[banana1234]

a friend of mine is a nurse in a mental hospital, one of the patients there smoked marajuna only once, yes ONCE and something obviously gentetic was triggered in his brain, he went from a family man, to threatening them, eventually he was sent there.

his self medicating, although not as extreme as above, has probably made matters worse, hopefully not permenantly

i think now that he is getting help. it is time for you to say your 'good byes'

or do u want to be friends with this guy?