Nowhere else to turn.

[jenii]

I don't even want to bother my twin with this, because I just... I don't know, I feel like when I get too serious with the people closest to me, I become a burden.

I've been... Well, I'm sick. I've got Fibromyalgia, with other complications, and I am in pain every single day. I've been this way for at least four or five years, maybe even longer.

It's starting to take a toll on me. I can't be strong anymore, I feel like I can't take it. No doctors have helped me so far, and I've turned to painkillers because otherwise the pain is too much to bear. The full force of the pain is too intense for me to function. They'll offer up a solution, and it'll work for a few months, but then I'll be right back where I started with the pain again.

Because of all this, I've become suicidal. I have suicidal thoughts at least once a day now, and it takes every ounce of willpower I have not to act on them. I'm alone most of the day, so the only person who can keep me from going over the edge is... well, ME. And I do a pretty good job, I'd say, but I don't know how long my willpower will hold out.

I don't need to be watched constantly. I don't need to go to a hospital. But, I need to feel like my struggle matters, otherwise my resolve starts weakening.

Unfortunately, everyone I've told (except for my twin brother) has really not had much of a reaction. They don't seem to care about what I'm going through, or the fact that I've actually sat down and thought of ways I might top myself. They're preoccupied with stresses at work, or in their own lives, and no matter how close a relation they are (parents, husband), they can't seem to muster up much concern for me.

And concern is what I NEED right now. I need to feel that it matters. That people see what's going on, and that maybe it affects them and they want to be there for me.

I told my husband, and he basically said he'd rather deal with this later. He was too tired, I guess. Generally, he's caring and loving, but when I need it most, he's not here for me. And I don't know what to do when that happens.

I don't know if I'm looking for advice. I don't know what I think I'm accomplishing by posting this. I'm miserable and I'm desperate and I honestly don't know if I'm even strong enough to go the night without harming myself in some way.

I doubt I'll actually attempt suicide. I promised my twin brother I wouldn't. He's scared for me, and that means a lot. It's the only reason I haven't already made an attempt, tbh.

But... I feel like I don't want to keep burdening him, just because he's the only one who cares. And yet, inside my head I'm screaming "someone please help me," and I know help won't come.

I guess the question is... What do you do when nobody else cares? What do you when you don't want to bother the one person who does? How do you get yourself through a time like this without enlisting the help of others?

I'll appreciate any responses I get, but keep in mind I'm not much for religion/prayer myself. I identify as Jewish, but I'm definitely not devout. However, if you say you want to pray for me, I'll appreciate it. I've never been one to turn down a kind gesture, and I could use any kind gestures you are willing to make.

I'm probably gonna feel so stupid after I post this. I'm asking for help/hope in a large forum of strangers. But, maybe I'm hoping that someone will read it and relate to it, so I won't feel completely alone. I just hope this doesn't bite me in the ass later.

 

[Willa]

I think the best thing right now is to talk, tell how you feel.
If you cant count on your family (except yout brother) and yout husband dont want to listen, I think its ok to write here.

Did you try to talk about it to a psychiatrist?
To someone who is not in your entourage?

I have read a little bit about fibromyalgia, right now it doesnt seem to be a well know cure isnt it?

What did the Dr said?
Is he (she) looking for a cure or is he (she) waiting for you to come when pain is coming back?
Can you see another specialist?

I don't know your brother, but maybe he could be the one who will open the eyes of your people, if you talk to him about it. Because its not a well known disease, maybe they dont know that its this painfull...

I am sure that the people here will be glad to read and help you the best they can, its what makes this place special, people are good to each other

 

[sexypuma]

I am sorry that you are going through this tough time

. I believe that you matter as a person. You may not feel like that but i am sure somehow, at some point you touch the life of somebody who appreciated it, even a stranger. For instance, i read your post on the boob nazis and i like it

. If anything, you do matter to your brother and losing would certainly not relieve him; quite the contrary. I think you should try talking to a psychiatrist. He/she will help you put things in perspective and possibly help convey your needs better to your family.
I am happy that you wrote about your feelings. I believe that it helps to talk about things even with strangers.

 

[Hilly]

You can always call 1800 Suicide (its a crisis hotline too...anonymous)
There is always someone to talk to who does care about you...24-7

 

[Beauty Mark]

Please, please seek help. You may not be at the point where you're attempting suicide, but you never know what's going to happen. Those thoughts are not fun to live with.

What I do when life becomes unbearable is I talk to one of my close friends. Believe me, it's not a burden on anyone, especially considering how serious your problems are. People would much, much rather you discuss what's going on in your life than bottle it in; I'm sure you've had friends who have gone through pure hell without you knowing it, and the immediate reaction is, "I wish you would've talked to me about it." I've had friends who kept it inside. From that angle, people want to help you as much as they can.

When your husband awakes, I would have a talk about how you feel. He probably doesn't realize what all you're feeling and wants to be there for you.

If nothing else, you can always PM me.

 

[Shimmer]

I completely agree with BM and hdirenzo.

Talk to someone hon.

 

[lafemmenoir]

First, thanks for sharing your burden. We help others who are suffering in silence when we speak out. As women, I think we are caretakers AND we are rarely taken care of. Get the suicide thoughts out on paper, online, talk, but let it out. Inner pain is often turned to outer self inflicted pain. You NEED to talk to your doctor about seeing a specialist. A GP who is familiar with your illness. There are loads. Be prepared to tell the GP everything. They tend to only poke and prescribe. Tell them you feel so bad and you are in physical pain and you need an appt TODAY! Take control of the situation even if it makes you feel "bitchy" as sometimes, that's the only way to get help. Fight for yourself as you would if it were a close friend. In the meantime, it sounds like you are tired and emotionally drained. Can you get something to help you sleep? Sometimes a good full rest will help with the inner noise in your head. Pray and meditate or whatever you do to calm yourself. Rent a movie, have a friend over, read a book, flip through a glossy with some tea/wine/couvoissier? We are here and we want you to be here so, get on the horn, tell hubby you need to be "heard" and hug your bro. *cyber hugz*

 

[jenii]

Thanks, everyone. Reading your posts helped, and I'm gonna take your advice and try to get some help.

I did eventually talk to my twin about it, and he told me I was far from being a burden on him, and that I should contact him when I'm feeling awful like that.

And yet, I still wanna hold back, because I feel like no matter what, I'll end up bothering him.

Anyway, I know I need help for this. Not just medically, but mentally too. I'm gonna call the doctor on Monday and get an appointment ASAP, then I'm gonna see if I can get a hold of my old therapist and at least get to see her once a month. Gotta be better than nothing.

My twin is supposed to move in with us soon, and I keep telling myself things will get better and I just have to hang on. And I'm trying. I did harm myself, but it wasn't that bad. I managed to keep the damage to a minimum, and stop myself when I felt calmer.

I wish I hadn't have done it, but sometimes I just need to. I never learned to cope any other way, tbh, so all I can do is try to resort to it as seldomly as possible.

Anyway, thanks everyone. You really do help.

 

[Shimmer]

Please please please call a hotline. They may be able to assist you faster, or aide you in some other way immediately, rather than self harming.

 

[Trashionista]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jenii Thanks, everyone. Reading your posts helped, and I'm gonna take your advice and try to get some help. I did eventually talk to my twin about it, and he told me I was far from being a burden on him, and that I should contact him when I'm feeling awful like that. And yet, I still wanna hold back, because I feel like no matter what, I'll end up bothering him. Anyway, I know I need help for this. Not just medically, but mentally too. I'm gonna call the doctor on Monday and get an appointment ASAP, then I'm gonna see if I can get a hold of my old therapist and at least get to see her once a month. Gotta be better than nothing. My twin is supposed to move in with us soon, and I keep telling myself things will get better and I just have to hang on. And I'm trying. I did harm myself, but it wasn't that bad. I managed to keep the damage to a minimum, and stop myself when I felt calmer. I wish I hadn't have done it, but sometimes I just need to. I never learned to cope any other way, tbh, so all I can do is try to resort to it as seldomly as possible. Anyway, thanks everyone. You really do help.

I have been where you are now. Not with the sickness but being suicidal and silently screaming for help. Please PM or email me. I know what it's like. I have also struggled with self-harming in the past. I have even done what you are doing now -- reached out to strangers on the internet because I felt so alone....I don't pity you because I know that's not what you want. You just want to know that someone hears you and that somehow, there is a way out. I would love to be there for you if I can. You can get through this, I promise you. If I did, anyone can.

*hugs*

I'm not religious and I don't pray, but I'll keep you in my thoughts.

xoxo

-Stella

 

[Beauty Mark]

Self-injury is not a real means of coping with it. Please call a hotline or something like that today. Self-injury becomes habitual quickly and is hard to resist doing.

 

[MadchenRogue]

Like you I am married but I suffer from Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and I do have somewhat of the similar conditions as you do. I get sensitive, mood swings, fatigued... In this case this is what I advise you. What you are having is not only affecting you, but everyone around you. IF YOUR husband is too damn busy to listen to what you have to say, I would knock some sense into him. Sorry sweety, you got to. When I discovered my condition my spouse was with me in every single doctors appointment, well you name it. You hubby needs to recognize this is both of your lives. Because he needs to get educated on the issue so if you ever have a meltdown or having a tough time, he can be sensitive to your issue instead of arguing or assuming this is you trying to be some prima donna wanting attention. Drink multi-vitamins, specially vitamin B and D. I drink a multi plus a B complex and calcium for my condition. I know you muscles are sensitive and your body aches and gosh I wish it would just go away. But in the mean time exercise with caution, pick up a hobby like baking, or sign up for a ceramics class so you can use your hands and keep your mind off the pain. As for your family, even after attempts your family is still distant, family members not sensitive to your condition...All I have to say is surround yourself with positive people. Most of the problems we have with our loved ones is due to lack of communication. So...why does your hubby treat you that way? do you push him away? Why are your parents so cold with you? Have they always been this way before you got married? In my case, I really have no one except my spouse and a few family members that are very far away--but they care. I say to you, God knows you tried your best and you have people that love you and really are concerned for you. Sometimes we are so preoccupied with our own lives that we often forget to tell people how much they mean to us. The bottom line is this -- you have to be the bigger person, and tell your husband and family its time to talk and tell them exactly what you said to us: acting like they don't care, insensitive. When I was gaining weight my mom would make fun of me, and I was really sick. Well she was horrible, and it was not until I found out about my condition she felt like shit...she had every reason to feel like shit--you cannot assume just because a person gains weight or acts a certain way its because they are being rebellious. You have to be strong and not see your condition as a weakness but as a test of will. You are strong, you just don't see it

At the end of the day no matter how bad you feel always remember that you are significant, you have something to offer and you are not a burden. Be strong... my prayers are with you.