Parenting Styles - does it cause a rift?

[DanaB]

my friend and i have completely different views on parenting. she is of the scholl of natural parenting, whereas i am not. she does the whole co-sleeping, non-circumcising, homeschooling, attached parenting approach. i am quite the opposite. i will be circumcising my boy if i have one. my kids will be going to school. i don't like co-sleeping as i find it would only cause sleeping problems for the child in the future.

i don't ask her to change her opinions, only to not tell me that my views are wrong. we got into an arguement about circumcision. she said that it is absolutely wrong. i said well, it's wrong FOR YOU. doesn't make the practice itself wrong, or me wrong for chosing to do it. she said yes it does. she said that the way she parents is the right way. which would make my way wrong, kwim?

i need to make her understand that while she might not agree with some choices i make for my kids, and i won't agree with hers, it doesn't make me a bad parent. it doesn't make me wrong for choosing things that she would not. but she doesn't get it. what is right for ME might not ber right for HER. but it still doesn't make me wrong. y'know?

does anyone else run into these issues?

 

[Shimmer]

Yes, and they never go away.

I have to disagree on the circumcision thing (with her not you) as I've had to assist in circs on grown men and every one of them I've ever done one on has said they wish (based on the problems they have had over the years) that it had been done at birth.

bleh.
"Natural" parenting is great in theory, but every kid of parents I've know who ascribes to that philosophy is a weenie.


No offense to anyone.

 

[mzcelaneous]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer Yes, and they never go away.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer "Natural" parenting is great in theory, but every kid of parents I've know who ascribes to that philosophy is a weenie. No offense to anyone.

Cannot agree more. I stopped co-sleeping when my daughter was 8 months, attended pre-school, and is in school now. She is very independent and I love it. I know tons of mothers who are compleltely opposite yet they complain that they don't have enough bedroom time or whatever...hmmm, I wonder why.

To each her own.

 

[DanaB]

my friend has not slept in the same bed as her husband for over 3 years now. co-sleeping is ok, if that's what you want to do. but to kick your hubby out of bed for years, so that your kid can sleep there, not cool IMO.

as far as cirs go, she said she wants me to do the research on them before i made my choice. so to humour her, i did. and it did not change my mind. the facts only solidified my stance. that and the fact that every guy i talked to about it said that they would have killed their mother if she didn't circ them! 'nuff said! lol

 

[aeni]

I watched the whole marathon of Wife Swap yesterday. I never realized how different parents were from each other!

Oh, and my mom was in one way or another a co-sleeper. My dad was overseas for 5 years and I slept with her from ages 5-9. Whenever my dad would come home on leave, I'd either sleep on the floor or inbetween them. Before 5, I had my own room and was fine. I just had an active imagination that robots with laser eyes were coming to kill me or I'd fall out of my bed.

 

[Shimmer]

co-sleeping is one of the parenting fads I simply cannot agree with.
It's dangerous. It's inherent in the parental nature to be aware of your child but accidents happen, and the likelihood of rolling over on my newborn is too high to make it worth me co-sleeping. And I'm a light sleeper! Add in that I like having sex with my husband and NO FUCKING WAY am I co-sleeping.
That's what all that money was spent on a bedroom and furniture and decorations and stuff like that for.

I believe in fostering independence in children, and teaching them to solve their problems on their own and work out their differences amongst themselves, not in being up their butts and hampering their coping mechanisms.

Want a solid steadfast example of what natural/soft parenting has done to kids today?
Look on myspace.

 

[dovelysong]

My parents (well Dad and Step-mom) are doing this with my little brother and sister.

My little sister (7 years old) sleeps in my parents bed in the master bedroom while my dad usually will sleep on the couch in their sitting room in the bedroom.

My step-mom and little brother (just turned 4 years old) sleep in the guest room (same bed) across the hall.

When my little sister was younger, before my brother was born, she would sleep in my parents bed in between them. (She didn't even have a bed in "her room". Then she got her own bed in her room and after my little brother was born, she finally got to the point where she would stay for most of the night in her own bed. Then when my little brother got old enough, he and my little sister shared a bed (they lived in a smaller townhouse at the time and there was not a whole lot of room once the kids came).

They moved to the HUGE house earlier this year, and they each of their own beautifully decorated room...................... that they only use for play........

SUPPOSEDLY, it's because my little brother was scared to sleep in his own room because he never had before (a bit understandable, he was only 3 years old when they moved). And my little sister was "scared" (yeah, right) to sleep in her room too (really it was just because my little brother didn't have to, so she felt like she didn't have to either.)

Now here we are over 6 months later and nothing has changed. My stepmother keeps saying that it's going to change... blah blah blah...

Ummmm..... yeah. The kids are already very socially maladjusted (IMO)and this is just making it worse. They are homeschooled and really aren't involved in any activities with other kids. My little sister was taking dance for a while, but that was only for about a year, and she's not taking it anymore.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE my little brother and sister. But, I do feel that my stepmother (it's mostly her doing and her decision) is doing them waaaayyyyy more harm than good by creating this situation.

How will they know how to deal with people when they get older?? How will they appreciate the intimate relationship between husband and wife (and I don't just mean having sex)??

 

[mzcelaneous]

Holy sh*t shimmer. I think I'm in love with you LOL. All you wrote typed up there were merely words that I was thinking about

*chants*I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy

 

[Shimmer]

Common sense parenting is so much more effective, IMO.

 

[Lady_MAC]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer co-sleeping is one of the parenting fads I simply cannot agree with. It's dangerous. It's inherent in the parental nature to be aware of your child but accidents happen, and the likelihood of rolling over on my newborn is too high to make it worth me co-sleeping. And I'm a light sleeper!

Lmfao, maybe it's a "fad" to you eurocentric westerners, but it is not to many places in the world. It is not dangerous if done properly. Almost everyone who has co-slept can testify that you are subconsiously aware of the baby. Baby moves, mommy moves, it's beautiful.
If one intends to co-sleep, research should be done to ensure that your bed is suitable. I personally went to parenting classes and workshops..

 

[Shimmer]

So did I.

Numerous classes, with all three pregnancies.
There is NO way to predict how tired you are or how deeply you will sleep.
Is it a wonderful thing to be aware of your child? Absolutely.
Is it worth the risk? Absolutely NOT, IMO.
The ideal sleeping situation, IMO, is a bassinette or bed in the room with the parents until the child sleeps through the night comfortably. I'm not everyone, but it definitely offers, IMO, a safe alternative for families who want their child close.

Fact 1: No infant sleep environment is absolutely risk-free.

Fact 2: While some babies die in cribs, no baby has ever been smothered to death in a crib by a sleeping parent.

Fact 3: Co-sleeping with an infant dramatically increases the risk of death since it brings into play an uncontrollable variable; that being a sleeping parent whose nocturnal bed movements create conditions that can lead to infant suffocation.

Fact 4: Babies do die in co-sleeping arrangements.

Fact 5: An infant death that results from a co-sleeping arrangement is a needless death and is one-hundred percent preventable.

Fact 6: The rate of infant deaths in the last twenty years due to parental overlay has increased in direct proportion to the increased popularity of the mother- centered attachment theories, which advocate the practice and claim it to be safe and necessary.

Fact 7: While the nominal benefits of co-sleeping are only speculative, the risks are real. There is no evidence that suggests that the bonding or breastfeeding benefits derived from a co-sleeping arrangement outweighs the significant risk of a wrongful infant death by suffocation.

Links available at the bottom

 

[Lady_MAC]

Seems kinda bias. Fact 2.. no shit Sherlock. Fact 4, babies do die in cribs. Fact 5, the same can be said about children who suffocate in cribs or get stuck between the bedding and mattress. Fact 6 has been broken down to show that this information is incorrect.

Regardless, different stokes for different folks.

 

[Lady_MAC]

And DanaB, it happens to us all. Like me being told that I'm sexually confusing my daughter by breastfeeding, or depriving her essential nutrients found in cow juice. Or that it should only be done until 3 months of age. ha.

I have just found it best to surround myself with parents like me, as I do with any other friend. Us "left-wing hippies".

 

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lady_MAC Different stokes for different folks.

Indeed.

 

[macluver]

My son (3 yrs & 4 mos old) slept in my bed for about his first 10 months and I took every precaution I possibly could. I do know that this is not for everyone and that's okay. I just know that my son (who co-slept, breastfed for 1 year, is circumsized, has a stepdaddy and a biological father in his life, and just barely started - as of last week- daycare 2 days week) is a very healthy, happy, independent boy. He's definately a "mama's boy," but he is also so much more independant than most kids that I know his age. (I teach Sunday school for the 2-3 year old age group.)

One of my best friends has a 2 1/2 year old who stills sleeps with her, still uses a pacifier, finally quit using a bottle at age 2, screams nonstop until she gives him her full, undivided attention, is not circumsized, and has a very, very limited vocabulary. We differ constantly over parenting. She thinks I'm too firm. (Really, I'm not. My father-in-law is constantly telling me I need to be MORE firm.) I think she spoils her son.

About co-sleeping, I will NOT have a baby sleep in my bed (when I have another one) if my son will also be there. I think that is too dangerous. I WILL have a bassinet next to my bed because I do plan on breastfeeding and don't want to get up 2-3 times a night to go across the house to feed my baby.

But as long as the kids are safe (and not *overly* spoiled or bratty), it's okay that people choose to raise their kids in whatever way they see fit.

 

[Deirdre]

The co-sleeping issue aside (I'm of the fostering independence, we're seperate beings and therefore do not need to be in constant contact with our parents, nor will we be as adults, yadayada), circumcision is becoming an extremely relevant health concern. Circumcised males, according to a French/South African study, can reduce the risk of contracting the disease by up to 70%. Apparently the circumcison reduced the white blood cell rich foreskin, which the aids virus loves so much.

Whatever soft reason people may or may not have to circumcise their children ought to be put aside in light of the hard fact that circumcision may save your son's life!


(sorry for the bolding, I realized my puns apres le fact.

 

[*Stargazer*]

Meh, I don't particularly believe that circs are necessary, but to each their own really.

I do co-sleep when I am nursing, but not so much out of intent as pure exhaustion. We use a co-sleeper bassinet though. I am just too damn lazy to keep getting up every two hours.

 

[Raerae]

I haven't had a child yet... And have no idea if I co-slept with my Mom or not. Probably not since I dont have any memories of it. My earliest memories involve my own bed in my own room.

I think having the baby in your room is fine, but in a crib, put it next to your bed if you need to be near your child. And once there past the realy young infant stage, get them their own room.

But I guess thats coming from my expierences as an only child. I've always been independent, and I would want my child to be the same.

My Mom was a cingle Mom, so I got dumped off at daycare at a very early age as she had to go to work. Were still a very close family though. And i always appreciated the fact that she felt I was mature enough to stay home alone at a much younger age than any of my friends. Nightime she got a sitter, but I was doing the stay home alone thing during the day while I was fairly young.

 

[Another Janice!]

When both my babies were born, we slept together on the recliner at night. It was just so much easier that way while I was nursing. It started out as accidental, then it became habit. They would just sleep on my chest, listening to my heart beat....what they had been hearing for their entire existence.

My husband slept in the bed by himself for the first 8 months of their lives. (then when the 2nd baby came along, the oldest slept in the bed too) It worked out beautifully. He had to be up at god forsaken hours of the morning to be at work....I did not. He (and my oldest son) got a restful night's sleep, without being woken up by a hungry, crying baby...which he would have been able to do what about? Give the crying, hungry baby to me? Ok, that makes sense. Wake everyone up to feed the baby at 2am. lol.

Now, all 4 of us share a king sized bed. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. We love having those little bodies to cuddle with. As for the sex part, my husband has never really had much of a drive for it anyway. He could quite seriously have sex twice a year and be completely happy. At this time, we have not had sex since March. It has maybe 10% to do with the boys sleeping with us. Doubtful if even that. There are a lot of factors involved as to why we don't, but even before we had kids, our sex life was pretty boring to say the least.

Both my boys are circumcized.
I won't homeschool them. I think that they need the interaction with other kids. Just signing them up for extra curriculars, IMO, just won't cut it.

FWIW, my boys are a pair of very independent little shits. They are in no way coddled though.

But, these things work for us. That TOTALLY does not mean it will work for you.

BTW...I am rightwing. =)

 

[Shimmer]

Interesting story. Terribly sad too:

Quote:

NEW YORK Sep 22, 2006 (AP)— A 3-month-old infant fell off a bed into a bucket of her teenage mother's vomit and died, said police, who charged the woman with negligent homicide on Thursday. Savarin Dejesus, 18, had left the child with a baby sitter at an East Harlem group home where she lived to go out partying Sept. 15, police said. When she returned, Dejesus vomited in the bucket next to the bed where she fell asleep with her daughter, Niah Ford, in her arms, police said. The infant later tumbled into the bucket and apparently drowned, police said. Dejesus didn't discover what had happened to her baby until the next afternoon. The girl was taken to a hospital, where she was pronounced dead, police said. Dejesus also was charged with endangering the welfare of a child. She was in police custody late Thursday. A woman who answered the telephone at Dejesus' group home, the Fox House, declined to comment on the baby's death.

http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=2476682