What to do?

Dahlia_Rayn

Well-known member
This is a really hard situation and I understand that it must be very hard to be in this long distance relationship! I am going to tell you a few things that may be hard to hear, even though I feel for you, and know the temptation you may be facing.

This guy who offered you a "secret" relationship is either going to want more, or he's using you. And even if he doesn't, or isn't, is it fair to use him? Which is what you'd be doing if you played with his heart just to have someone to hold and cuddle while you were in the US.

Another thing, if your boyfriend did find out, imagine how broken his heart would be. What if he told you that he took a girl to his bed because he was just lonely and wanted someone to love and cuddle close to where he is?

I have cheated, and I have to live with that guilt, and it tears me apart, please think and meditate long and hard on this decision. It's not just you that this effects, there are two men that are involved: one you do have deep feelings for, and one you probably will develop deep feelings for.

I don't judge you sweetie, I know what you're facing, and if you want to talk PM me. If I had it to do over again though, I would have chosen the faithful route, because people got hurt that didn't need to be hurt at all, and all because I made a decision based on a temporary loneliness.
 

gildedangel

Well-known member
Long distance relationships are really hard, I know. I have done it before and it did not work out at all for me.
I wouldn't pursue this secret relationship until you figure out what you want. If you are considering being with another guy; you may need to re-evaluate the relationship with your boyfriend, because if you are as serious as you say you wouldn't be considering this option, especially since you know how much it would hurt him if he were to ever find out.
I know that it is so hard to feel alone, and it sounds like you really don't want to hurt your boyfriend. Not only that, but if you were to keep going with your current relationship after this secret relationship you would feel very guilty. It is not fair to either guy or to you. But in the end it is your desicion, you do what feels right for you and your situation.
Good luck in making this decision, I hope that it all works out for you!
 

MaskedBeauty

Well-known member
I completely agree with Dahlia_Rayn. I have cheated also and I completely regret it. It tore apart my relationship and hurt someone that I ended up really caring about. If this guy who goes to your college is willing to have a "secret relationship" with you, you gotta think of it this way.. 1.. Obviously he doesn't respect or care about you enough to do things the right way.. 2..If it ends up to where you leave your current bf for him, what makes you think he won't do the same "secret relationship" thing to you but with another girl?? And last.. Anyone willing to stoop that low to even have a secret relationship doesn't like you as much as they say they do. I know temptation is very very hard but maybe you should think about your options and talk to your bf about it. Maybe he feels the same way and you guys can agree to take a break until your closer together??
 

locoboutcoco

Active member
oh thats a bit of a sucky situation, long distances are hard allright!! do you really like this guy? enough to sacrifice a 5year relationship?? i think you just like the idea to have someone to snuggle uo to, but sure dont we all so theres no judgement!

how about suggesting to your bf that you cool things off for a while nd give you a chance to see if you really like the other guy or if its just a convience thing? take a couple of months off from the relationship ( i dont wanna say 'go on a break'- too cliche!) i think thats what id do!!

i think this secret relationship is doomed! what if he starts falling for you majorly but you still have a bf?

do you think youd feel guilty?

also imagine if the shoe were on the other foot and you found out your bf had a secret gf in london, that would break your heart!!

id think carefully about the situtation as to not hurt anyone, especailly not yourself! just remember that your young and dont have to commit to anythin too serious at the moment!


i hope you figure it out soon and just do whatever makes you happy, you dont have to justify your life choices to anyone else! good luck x0x0
 

hello_my_apple

Well-known member
my grandad used to say " what's done in the dark, always comes to light". i would'nt have a secret relationship, in the end you're the one thats going to get hurt. how about you two just take a break until you guys get this long distance thing sorted out, because it seems like youre making steps towards cheating, if youre already making out with guy number two. im sure youre attracted to guy number two because youre boyfriend is away and you need some affection. but honestly do you think guy number two is REALLY going to respect if you if he knows youre making out with him and he knows you have a boyfriend? he's never going to trust you even if you guys get into a relationship and this situation might come back to bite you in the culo later. and honestly he doesnt sound like a good guy .. who offers to have a "secret affair"? looks like he wants the cake without commitment.
 

sweetbabyblue

Well-known member
Hun, I am in a long distance relationship too for several years and I know what you mean by wanting to have someone who is around.
But what I try to keep in my mind is how would he feel if he knew? I could never stand seeing him hurt in that way, even if he were to forgive me. It simply isn't worth it.
I know how you feel and it is so tempting to toe that line, I'm a really affectionate person myself and living on my own, even getting a hug from ANYONE makes me feel alot better.
Feel free to PM me hun
 

Lauren1981

Well-known member
you have to decide if having someone physically close to you is worth ending a 5 year relationship over. you said you want to apply at schools in london so on one hand why not just wait and see if you get into any and go from there. if you dont' get in then you continue with your own life in the states but if you do then you can continue with your current situation. what if you decided to be with this new guy and then you go to school where your b/f is right now? you said something about guilt..... are you going to be able to be with him and not think about what you did? how do you feel with the fact that you've already kissed this guy and you're still with your boyfriend? also, what if the new guys feelings become too involved and then you decide you still want to leave??? then what about him??
i think you need to keep in mind other people's feelings and emotions are at stake in this whole situation so whether your decision disappoints one guy or both, you need to do something thats in EVERYONES interests. meaning just decide what it is you want and then express those feelings to both parties. BUT i hope it all works out for the best for you
winks.gif
 

Lauren1981

Well-known member
Quote:
Originally Posted by Casadalinnis
The guy who's willing to be back burner is willing to because he thinks he'll gain something, if anything I'd be looking at that guy and saying what kind of priorities do you look for in a relationship? That guy isn't looking out for you if he knows you're in a serious relationship and he's willing to hurt your partner who he doesn't even know and those aren't positive traits. I understand you're in a long distance relationship but you want to make sure that if you love the guy that's been there years, that you don't scar him mentally for years.

very well said and normally if they don't care about your partners feelings they probably won't care about yours
 

Janice

Well-known member
If things happened, it's best to keep it to yourself no matter how great the moment of weakness. If you feel guilty it's your own burden to carry for the rest of your days, don't make your significant other carry it as well.
 

LMD84

Well-known member
honestly it's a hard choice but you will have to make one. as others have said i would be very wary of a guy who does want a 'secret relationship'. why would he want to share you? and what does he think will happen in the end? does he think you're going to dump your bf for him?

plus you need to look at why you are in this situation - long distance things are very very hard and i admire those who have them. is it just the pysical thing of having somebody with you that likes you? or is it that your feelings for your guy aren't as strong anymore.

maybe you should stop seeing the secret relationship guy for a while to work out what is best for you and who you want. and if you can continue as long distance relastionship.

i hope everything goes ok for you and keep us updated hun
th_hug.gif
 

kabuki_KILLER

Well-known member
Long distance relationships always suck, from what I hear. I haven't been in any, or many nearby ones at that. It can feel like you have all the responsibilities of a relationship and none of the benefits.

Depending on how often your boyfriend talks to you and how much he is the same toward you, you should be able to judge if his feelings have changed. This new guy may be sincere, or he may just be another d-bag out to get bragging rights due to his "ability to get hot chicks to cheat with him on their boys." Disgusting, but some people do that.

Either way, you have to decide who you want to pursue, tell the other person, and then go from there. Sometimes it works out, other times it doesn't. You cannot make a decision based on who you think is the safer bet because you don't want to be regretting the fact that you didn't pick the one you really wanted to be with years from now.

Good luck.
 

banana1234

Well-known member
i wouldnt tell your bf about it, but i would decide if u want one or the other cos u cant have your cake and eat it too
 

Kazzii-Loves-MA

Well-known member
Heya hunny,
someone has probably said this, but i really do think if obviously you and your boy friend cant be closer so you can see eachother on a regular basis. then i wouldnt be with him, i know you love him so much. but whats the point in having a boy friend you love but cheating on him, i think that may affect your relationship. As when someone does something wrong they feel guilty about it and eventually end up telling the person they have done wrong by. i think your boy friend might feel like he couldnt trust you. i know its so hard, i hate not seeing my boy friend for a week. but cheating isnt the answer sweetie. i really hope you can move nearer to your boy friend so it can all work out.
 

Dahlia_Rayn

Well-known member
Hon, we've all made mistakes, but I totally and completely agree with Janice 5000%. Even if you decide not to stay with your boyfriend, never ever tell him! It's your heartache and burden, I never told, and I'm so glad that I was able to spare the man I was with that pain. People tell so they can relieve some of their guilt, but it causes more hurt then it's worth! Suck up your guilt and move on.

Good luck breaking it off with the "new" guy. Avoid him, don't talk to him, if you're serious it's the only way it will work!
 

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