:(

[Verient]

Before we start, I am not breaking up with him. I wont and I can't. Yes, it seems like a solution, but I know I can't.

I'm in love with him...but I'm starting not to like him anymore. We've been together almost a year, and until college (started in september) it was amazing. Yeah we argued, but it was tolerable. But now...we argue every day about tiny stupid things. It's just going downhill. He lied to me 3/4 times, and when I found out about the first time and he promised not to do it again, he did. So quite frankly, I can't trust him which in my opinion is the most important part of a relationship. He's very protective and controlling. He seems to think he can choose my friends and which guys I'm allowed to talk to. Whenever we fight, he gets angry, and throws things around my house and shouts infront of my dad which is embarrassing. Several times, he's physically dragged me, shaken me or pushed me, which has scared me to the point I don't want to go back to my own house. He can't seem to see how serious our problems are, and yes we talk about them, but things arent changing. I'm not doubting that he loves me at all. He puts in a huge effort for me. We see eachother every day. Last night he walked about 2miles in the pouring rain to see me. So I'm a bit stuffed on what to do.

I'm expecting people to just tell me to leave him. But anyone who has been in love will know how hard it is to leave someone even if they arent good for them. I'm not willing to do it though. =/

 

[dietcokeg]

i think youve answered your own question. i know what being in love feels like and i also know theres a danger to love. you need to know yourself worth and move on. the fact that you dont want to leave him after all hes done makes me sense some of insecurity. i just left a 4 year relationship because he betrayed me AGAIN with another girl, and its so hard you have no idea but you just have to move on to better things. and espically where theres violence involved, i say f**k love. iam sorry but i cant offer you any advice other then for you to leave him, it seems like you want to stay in this vicious circle and i guess you have to learn from your own mistakes with this one.

 

[Janice]

If you like being controlled why resist it? If you like the physical punishment, introduce it to your bedroom so that at least you can get some enjoyment out of it.

If you're not willing to leave a controlling, abusive relationship where his behavior is deteriorating even though you both obviously know it's harmful and non-productive then make sure your ready for years of constant emotional stress and heartache. Also it's a good idea to have some excuses handy in advance for when he starts hitting you, although it might be hard to pull off considering parents have seen him being abusive towards you already. Might want to move out so that if he gets physical with you in front of them, they don't do something stupid like call the cops. I'm sure he's already introduced plans for this tho, considering he's currently working on alienating you from friends, family will be next (and by degrading you in front of pops, phew he's working on that one!).

But love fixes all these horrid, abusive, degrading qualities, right? Love will make it worth losing your friends and family. Love will get you through the shame of hiding abuse from those same people.

What you're seeming to miss about this whole wonderful concept of "love" is - If the douche your hero "loved" you he wouldn't control, hurt, degrade, and isolate you. Period.

 

[Makeup Emporium]

Sorry but what you are describing is not love. Love is happy and kind and caring and fun. What you have is none of those things. I hope that you do manage to break things off because when you actually do feel love you will be able to see the difference.

What you have could be described more as "Stockholm syndrome". Believe me that is a far cry from love. Good luck to you and I hope you find the courage to get the hell away from the jerk!

 

[LMD84]

ok seriously this is making me angry. things will not get better with this guy. it'll only get worse. i can't believe he shouts at you in front of another family member and i sure as hell can't believe he harms you. yet you're still willing to take it. i was in a violent relationship which has left me deaf in one ear for the rest of my life and it coculd have been alot worse if i had not left him. so don't think about how much you love him - because he sure as hell doesn't love you. what will it take for you to realise this? a broken arm? or would you like to be left damaged like i have for the rest of your life where everyday you have the reminder of him.

sorry if i sound harsh but you need to look at the bigger picture.

 

[gildedangel]

The fact that you refuse to break up with him shows me that you have some serious insecurities with yourself. I know that you don't want to hear the "break-up with him" solution, but if you don't the violence will only escalate. If he hurts you like that; he does not love you back. Why would you love someone who doesn't love you back? This guy is scum, and you deserve much better than him. No one deserves violence in a "loving" relationship, end of story.

 

[Machinegun_Cali]

This is really scary and sad. In my line of work I see abused women all the time. Women of all ages, races, incomes, and it kills me to see them beaten bruised and weak minded to stay with these "men". They get stuck in this like trance where they justify and place the blame on themselves. They dont care about their lives or safety. Most of these women have kids in the picture and are willing to teach their kids abuse is ok because they just cant leave this "man" they love. I really hope you arent that type but unfortunately it sounds like you already are. Just know that you are a lot stronger than you think and there are resources in your area that can help. Google "Family Justice Center" they have outstanding centers that really cater to abused people. They are all across the country and hopefully theres one in your area.

I have that lil pic ^^^ on my dresser mirror. Cheesy but it helps me a bit when im feeling burdened by problems that I think are so huge

 

[Verient]

Thankyou everyone, I appreciate your views.

 

[claralikesguts]

if he's like this when you've been together for a year, imagine how he'll be in a couple of years. he's not going to change...

 

[Almond_Eyed]

I agree with previous posts. You can't change him, and he clearly isn't going to change because your relationship is based on his power trip instead of mutual love and understanding. This is an unhealthy relationship and you know it. You have to leave him no matter how much you don't want to. <3

 

[VeXedPiNk]

I know they say love is blind, but this is nuts! You are not in anything close to a healthy relationship. I saw in one of your other threads that you're sixteen, so I'm guessing you probably haven't been in very many long term relationships. What you've described is not what a serious, loving relationship should be.

If you two have talked about his behavior and it's not changing than maybe he needs counseling or anger-management? Regardless, by you continuing to stay in the relationship and allowing him to treat you the way he does is only encouraging the bad behavior. Are you going to defend him and make the same excuses when he pushes things too far and you end up seriously injured? Will "I know he really loves me" be enough to erase the shame from having to hide your bruises from the ones that ACTUALLY love you?

I'm sorry if what I've said is harsh. But you should never allow anyone to treat you like that. If he's not willing to respect you, then you need to have your own self-respect to get the hell away from him... and let your friends and family be the support you need.

 

[FiestyFemme]

I agree with all the previous posters. You need to get out now! If you guys haven't even been together for a year and things are already this bad, that should be all the proof you need to tell you that it's not going to get anything but worse. I know it's not easy to leave, but some things are just not tolerable, like abuse. I'm not really sure why you put up with it, or why your dad doesn't do anything about it? My dad would stomp somebody's ass in the ground and probably wind up in jail if they laid a hand on me, muchless in front of him. Just do yourself a favor and leave. You are worth so much more than you know! Nobody deserves to be treated this way, especially in the name of "love".

 

[LatteQueen]

Amen To What You Posted....amen..

 

[LatteQueen]

IF you're not going to listen to anyone on here or even leave him why even bother to make a thread about it? smdh...

 

[jungleland]

Love doesn't hurt, period!

 

[kaliraksha]

You're not really asking for advice you're asking to be assured that everything will be fine. But the thing is, you have been doing what we would have suggested prior which is to talk to him about it and work on things. If you've already done that and you aren't happy, well then you aren't happy. There isn't any other magical solution. Sometimes people just don't make each other happy- it doesn't matter if you did in the past, things and people change and the best you can do is give it a shot and then evaluate your situation and make a decision. No one can tell you to break up with him, but I will point out how obvious your unhappiness with the situation and him seems to me.

Trust me, I've been the I-love-him-so-much-I-would-never-leave-him person. But, you have to ask yourself if you are loving and taking care of yourself foremost? If you met him in his current state today would you want to date him?

 

[kaliraksha]

I also wanted to point out that I would draw the line at any sort of abuse and that would be a complete deal breaker for me. Feelings are deceptive. I can understand why you are confused and want to stay with him, but if you were my real-life friend I would have to shake some sense into you. You are being hurt. Period. How is that in any way good for your life? When I get really confused and stressed I seem to turn to books for information, I've found this book to be really helpful in the past:

Amazon.com: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship (9780452275355): Mira Kirshenbaum: Books

 

[MaskedBeauty]

I completely agree with Janice. Couldn't of said it better.

I know that you love him, and i've been in love before, was with the guy for 4 years. He's being physically and emotionally abusive towards you and that's not cool at all. You may not think its a big deal right now but later down the road when you have no friends or family that wants to talk to you and you're sitting in a corner crying because he broke your nose (harsh but the truth), you'll realize you should of just left because you do have the strength to leave. And if he's already shoved you and dragged you then he will eventually move on to worse things like punching or slapping. Real love doesn't include those things. It isn't overbearing, jealous, aggressive, or hurtful. When you find real love someday then you will know exactly what I mean. But until you take a break from this guy or leave him for good, you never will.

 

[VickyT]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kaliraksha You're not really asking for advice you're asking to be assured that everything will be fine.

Agreed, and the thing is, everything will not be fine. Its not going to be okay. You are not going to be physically safe and emotionally cared for.

Ignoring the whole physically-abusive thing, if your relationship is like this less than a year in, then its highly unlikely to get better. A year in is meant to be your honeymoon phase, from a psychological point of view. It doesn't sound like you have working coping and commication methods to deal with potential conflict as it arises, and it doesn't sound to me like you'll be able to develop it, I think. Communication takes work in all relationships, but a man that lies badly enough to erode your trust in him and has not acted to regain it is not someone that can communicate intent well.

Including the physically-abusive bit, and the fact that you're sixteen leads me to one conclusion: GTFO. Its not okay for him to be controlling. Its not okay for him to be abusive. Its not okay for him to be anything but a perfect gentleman to everyone he meets. And its not okay for you to accept this as okay. You have a hand in your own fate, you accept and understand what is going on and that it is not okay.

Its not something you can fix- it can only come from inside him, and usually only after some kind of major shock. Such as, say, a breakup.

 

[jenee.sum]

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation, but a man who does those things to the woman he's with does NOT know what love it. And clearly does NOT know what it means to be IN LOVE. I agree with what everyone has said. I hope you're able to look at the bigger picture and realize you should not take any of this. Sometimes, it takes a person to experience it first hand to fully understand the seriousness of the/any situation. But didn't Rihanna just go on 20/20 to let the world know and to tell women who are in abuse relationships to get out? Please don't let yourself make excuses and justify why you should stay in this relationship. If you had/have a daughter and she was with a man who was like that, would you justify her being with him? I hope you'll say no. Take it from LMD84, don't regret it after its too late. You deserve better than him and please love yourself more than you love him. Put yourself above him and realize you deserve a man who'll treat you with the love and respect you deserve.