makeupcupcake
Active member
I'm sorry in advance that this will be a long post but I don't know what to do, I am desperate for some advice and I need to explain the situation so maybe someone could advise me about what I should do.
My best friend's husband has a girlfriend and may be the father of the girlfriend's 3 year old son.
My friend has no clue that her husband is cheating on her. I found out through Facebook. No one else besides my mother & sister know what I have found out. I need advice. They both have said to never tell her about it. I don't know what to do about it. I think she needs to know but I'm afraid to hurt her so badly. I would want to know if it were me.
Some back story is: She is like a sister to me, best friends for 28 years. She is an only child & both of her parents are deceased. She has only very distant relatives that are still alive. She & her husband have been together for 21 years total 10 years of which they have been married. They have no children together. She has begged her husband to have children for years and he always has an excuse. It's almost getting too late for her to have kids, she's 41. She has wasted so much of her life with him already. Most of the time he is just indifferent towards. He is emotionally abusive toward her. He has a way of manipulating her into feeling bad for him. He pretends to feel bad that he can't be there for her because of work commitments and it's killing him inside he says meanwhile he chose to go on the freelance work project. Some times it works but lately she hasn't fallen for it. He withholds attention & sex for long periods of time. He's completely unavailable to her emotionally. It's very cruel. He's never there for her, even when she needs him the most including the death of her parents. He conveniently accepts business trips when she needs him the most. He can't get out of town fast enough. He works in the entertainment industry and works long hours. Sometimes he doesn't come home at night. He says he's staying at work and she believes him!!! His job site is sometimes only a 1/2 hour away. Sometimes he may be out of town for 5-10 days. His job makes it very easy for him to have a secret life. For years we all just accepted that he was a workaholic but I have noticed his behavior patterns have changed over the course of the past 12-16 months. It's screamingly obvious that he's been up to something shady. Judging on his looks most people would believe he would never cheat on her because he himself is just so unattractive. Everyone that knows her wonders what she sees in him. I sometimes wonder if that's what she was drawn to in him. That she felt safe with him, that he would never leave her. When people see them together, Beauty & the Beast comes to mind. It's stupid to think that an ugly guy would never cheat but people do assume it. He's ugly but to her he's like Brad Pitt.
She's always making excuses to our friends on why he isn't at whatever gathering/party/celebration etc...We belong to a tight knit group of friends for over 25 years. We live about an hour apart from each other so we don't see each other as much as we used to but we are all still very close. We have a Girl's-Night-Out coming up next week with our group of friends. I've considered talking to 1 or 2 of our friendsabout this situation but I'm unsure about it. Because they know her as well as I do, they may be able to advise me but part of me doesn't want to tell them because I feel so bad for her and I'm trying to contain it and limit who knows about it. This news will absolutely devastate her. I don't want to hurt her this bad. I feel horrible knowing that he's been having an affair for at the very least 10 months but quite possibly for as long as 4 years!!!. The girlfriend has a 3 year old son. He made a comment on a Facebook photo of her son on her page as "My little man". It is either his biological child or he spends a lot of time with him to refer to him in that way.
The way I found out about the affair is: I don't have Facebook account myself but use my sister's account to check out my friends pages. My sister is Facebook friends with a few of them so from time to time I use her account to check their pages for their new pics & stuff or leave a message. I noticed my friend's page was no longer linked to her husband's page and I got curious. I looked up his page and he had very little showing publicly but 4 pics are visible. I noticed that some girl commented on his pic, "Hugs to you, my Dear". Immediately, I click her page to see who the hell she is and much to my horror, right there on her page it links back to his page stating she is in a relationship with him. I scoured her page for more evidence. He commented on a photo, "That's my girl, sexy and beautiful". He has stated to my friend/his wife that he only uses facebook for networking for his job. When I asked her why she wasn't friends with him on Facebook she said because she didn't want to stress out about women that he's friends with from work that she doesn't know. I think she was covering for the fact that he wanted her off her page so she wouldn't find out about his secret life. He is not pictured in any of the pictures of his girlfriend or her son. But the 2 pictures of himself on his page were taken in the same room on the same couch as the girlfriends photos. It's my belief that he has" blocked" his wife and all of their mutual friends from viewing his page all the while that his girlfriend has it so blatantly out there that they are in a relationship. He would have no way of knowing that I would have seen his page. He knows that I myself am not on Facebook so there is no page of mine for him to block.
The reasons why I haven't told her are as follows: I don't want to hurt. I know that she will be devastated. News of him having a child could destroy her after years of him putting off starting a family with her. She has always worked and supported herself and a few years ago she went back to college to get a teaching degree. She maintained a job & went to school throughout that time until her father got ill. When her father was ill she left her job & took a leave of absence from her studies to care for her dad until he passed. That time off set her back school wise. She returned to school a few months later but the set back delayed her graduation by more than a year. She currently is only working one day a week and feels guilty about him supporting her even though they are financially secure. If I told her now and she had to deal with a divorce she would leave school again. Thus further delaying what she has worked so hard for. It would make it hard for her financially to finish school. She would never accept money from him in alimony. If she were to divorce him, she would never take a penny from him no matter how hard her life would be. She isn't a vindictive person and she would let her pride get in her way even if it were to hurt her. She probably wouldn't fight very hard for what she deserved financially or for ownership of the their modest house. I would hate to see her struggle.
Another huge reason that I am hesitant to tell her is that she has finally grown closer to his family. Since the death of her father she has grown close to her in-laws, especially his mother and I feel like it would be pulling her away from the only family she has left besides her friends. She actually spends more time with her in-laws then her husband does. She sees them at least once a week and he goes for weeks & months without seeing them, always claiming he's working. Another reason is, she has had bouts of debilitating anxiety in the past. It was almost always brought on by issues relating to her husband. He emotionally abandoned her when her mother was ill & passed away. Then it was regarding his hesitation for years about getting engaged/married. Her anxiety problems seemed to go away for awhile and then her father got ill & passed away. Her anxiety issues understandably surfaced again. Her husband promised her that they would have a child and he would work less, they would travel etc...He hasn't followed through on any of it. Their relationship from what she let me in on is worse than ever. And now I know that his secret life is behind it all. In the past year I have subtly suggested to her about returning to therapy because she had a lot of stress going on with school, her dad's death & their relationship issues. She said she was going to but still hasn't. That was before I found out what I now know.
I've cried and lost so much sleep over this. It has made me physically ill at times. I was devastated when I found out, I can only imagine how she will feel. I hate the fact that I know this and she doesn't. I hate him for doing this. I want to confront him but I haven't for the sake of her. I will once the truth comes out. I'm afraid if I tell her, that in her hurt & embarrassment, she will turn on me for not telling her sooner. I wonder if she tried to stay with him would she end our relationship. He most certainly would want her to and possibly shut out all of our friends once they would all know his secrets. Part of me thinks I should wait to tell her until after her graduation in May. I don't know what to do. I fear that if she stays any longer her dreams of having children are fading. She is young enough to start over with another man and have the life she dreams of I need advice. If it were you would you want to know? Has this ever happened to you or someone you know? If so, how did it turn out in the end? I wonder, if were to tell her, should I do it anonymously in a letter or just be straightforward with her? Should I put it off until after she graduates?
The reason I have for wanting her to find out the sooner the better is that I fear for her safety. I no longer trust him. 2 years ago if someone told me he would be capable of this secret life I would have laughed at that. Now, I think he is a very dangerous person because I don't know what he is capable of doing to hide his secrets. Everyone he knows would be shocked by this and the possibility that he has a child for years that no one knew about. His family will turn on him. He has everything to lose if he is found out. I don't know if it's from my watching one too many Dateline episodes or what but I don't think I'm overreacting here. He is a real threat to her. He already partially supports his mother, in a divorce, he would possibly pay alimony or their mortgage and support his girlfriend and and ill son? The child has genetic medical condition that requires a lot of expensive medicine. He doesn't make that kind of money. I don't trust the girlfriend either. She's got a lot to lose if he doesn't leave his wife or if his wife divorces him he will be financially strained. From what I can gather, the girlfriend is a very, very dark person. Her interests border on the creepy. Dark imagery in songs, artwork, literature, movies etc... Absolutely all of her interests seem to focus on death and darkness. Yeah, I know some people are into that stuff but this just seems excessive and for a 33 year old mom it seems all the more strange and immature. She couldn't get more opposite from my friend. I don't trust either of them. Who knows what what they would do. You hear these stories on the news all the time.
Please help me. Tell me what you would do if you were in my shoes? What if you were my friend and this was happening to you, how or would you want to know? Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this very long post and letting me get this off my chest. I've been holding this in for months. I feel like the worst friend in the world some days for not telling her. I fell like I'm helping him keep his dirty secrets. Then some days I can rationalize why I haven't said anything. But it's getting harder to do so.
Thanks for listening.
My best friend's husband has a girlfriend and may be the father of the girlfriend's 3 year old son.
My friend has no clue that her husband is cheating on her. I found out through Facebook. No one else besides my mother & sister know what I have found out. I need advice. They both have said to never tell her about it. I don't know what to do about it. I think she needs to know but I'm afraid to hurt her so badly. I would want to know if it were me.
Some back story is: She is like a sister to me, best friends for 28 years. She is an only child & both of her parents are deceased. She has only very distant relatives that are still alive. She & her husband have been together for 21 years total 10 years of which they have been married. They have no children together. She has begged her husband to have children for years and he always has an excuse. It's almost getting too late for her to have kids, she's 41. She has wasted so much of her life with him already. Most of the time he is just indifferent towards. He is emotionally abusive toward her. He has a way of manipulating her into feeling bad for him. He pretends to feel bad that he can't be there for her because of work commitments and it's killing him inside he says meanwhile he chose to go on the freelance work project. Some times it works but lately she hasn't fallen for it. He withholds attention & sex for long periods of time. He's completely unavailable to her emotionally. It's very cruel. He's never there for her, even when she needs him the most including the death of her parents. He conveniently accepts business trips when she needs him the most. He can't get out of town fast enough. He works in the entertainment industry and works long hours. Sometimes he doesn't come home at night. He says he's staying at work and she believes him!!! His job site is sometimes only a 1/2 hour away. Sometimes he may be out of town for 5-10 days. His job makes it very easy for him to have a secret life. For years we all just accepted that he was a workaholic but I have noticed his behavior patterns have changed over the course of the past 12-16 months. It's screamingly obvious that he's been up to something shady. Judging on his looks most people would believe he would never cheat on her because he himself is just so unattractive. Everyone that knows her wonders what she sees in him. I sometimes wonder if that's what she was drawn to in him. That she felt safe with him, that he would never leave her. When people see them together, Beauty & the Beast comes to mind. It's stupid to think that an ugly guy would never cheat but people do assume it. He's ugly but to her he's like Brad Pitt.
She's always making excuses to our friends on why he isn't at whatever gathering/party/celebration etc...We belong to a tight knit group of friends for over 25 years. We live about an hour apart from each other so we don't see each other as much as we used to but we are all still very close. We have a Girl's-Night-Out coming up next week with our group of friends. I've considered talking to 1 or 2 of our friendsabout this situation but I'm unsure about it. Because they know her as well as I do, they may be able to advise me but part of me doesn't want to tell them because I feel so bad for her and I'm trying to contain it and limit who knows about it. This news will absolutely devastate her. I don't want to hurt her this bad. I feel horrible knowing that he's been having an affair for at the very least 10 months but quite possibly for as long as 4 years!!!. The girlfriend has a 3 year old son. He made a comment on a Facebook photo of her son on her page as "My little man". It is either his biological child or he spends a lot of time with him to refer to him in that way.
The way I found out about the affair is: I don't have Facebook account myself but use my sister's account to check out my friends pages. My sister is Facebook friends with a few of them so from time to time I use her account to check their pages for their new pics & stuff or leave a message. I noticed my friend's page was no longer linked to her husband's page and I got curious. I looked up his page and he had very little showing publicly but 4 pics are visible. I noticed that some girl commented on his pic, "Hugs to you, my Dear". Immediately, I click her page to see who the hell she is and much to my horror, right there on her page it links back to his page stating she is in a relationship with him. I scoured her page for more evidence. He commented on a photo, "That's my girl, sexy and beautiful". He has stated to my friend/his wife that he only uses facebook for networking for his job. When I asked her why she wasn't friends with him on Facebook she said because she didn't want to stress out about women that he's friends with from work that she doesn't know. I think she was covering for the fact that he wanted her off her page so she wouldn't find out about his secret life. He is not pictured in any of the pictures of his girlfriend or her son. But the 2 pictures of himself on his page were taken in the same room on the same couch as the girlfriends photos. It's my belief that he has" blocked" his wife and all of their mutual friends from viewing his page all the while that his girlfriend has it so blatantly out there that they are in a relationship. He would have no way of knowing that I would have seen his page. He knows that I myself am not on Facebook so there is no page of mine for him to block.
The reasons why I haven't told her are as follows: I don't want to hurt. I know that she will be devastated. News of him having a child could destroy her after years of him putting off starting a family with her. She has always worked and supported herself and a few years ago she went back to college to get a teaching degree. She maintained a job & went to school throughout that time until her father got ill. When her father was ill she left her job & took a leave of absence from her studies to care for her dad until he passed. That time off set her back school wise. She returned to school a few months later but the set back delayed her graduation by more than a year. She currently is only working one day a week and feels guilty about him supporting her even though they are financially secure. If I told her now and she had to deal with a divorce she would leave school again. Thus further delaying what she has worked so hard for. It would make it hard for her financially to finish school. She would never accept money from him in alimony. If she were to divorce him, she would never take a penny from him no matter how hard her life would be. She isn't a vindictive person and she would let her pride get in her way even if it were to hurt her. She probably wouldn't fight very hard for what she deserved financially or for ownership of the their modest house. I would hate to see her struggle.
Another huge reason that I am hesitant to tell her is that she has finally grown closer to his family. Since the death of her father she has grown close to her in-laws, especially his mother and I feel like it would be pulling her away from the only family she has left besides her friends. She actually spends more time with her in-laws then her husband does. She sees them at least once a week and he goes for weeks & months without seeing them, always claiming he's working. Another reason is, she has had bouts of debilitating anxiety in the past. It was almost always brought on by issues relating to her husband. He emotionally abandoned her when her mother was ill & passed away. Then it was regarding his hesitation for years about getting engaged/married. Her anxiety problems seemed to go away for awhile and then her father got ill & passed away. Her anxiety issues understandably surfaced again. Her husband promised her that they would have a child and he would work less, they would travel etc...He hasn't followed through on any of it. Their relationship from what she let me in on is worse than ever. And now I know that his secret life is behind it all. In the past year I have subtly suggested to her about returning to therapy because she had a lot of stress going on with school, her dad's death & their relationship issues. She said she was going to but still hasn't. That was before I found out what I now know.
I've cried and lost so much sleep over this. It has made me physically ill at times. I was devastated when I found out, I can only imagine how she will feel. I hate the fact that I know this and she doesn't. I hate him for doing this. I want to confront him but I haven't for the sake of her. I will once the truth comes out. I'm afraid if I tell her, that in her hurt & embarrassment, she will turn on me for not telling her sooner. I wonder if she tried to stay with him would she end our relationship. He most certainly would want her to and possibly shut out all of our friends once they would all know his secrets. Part of me thinks I should wait to tell her until after her graduation in May. I don't know what to do. I fear that if she stays any longer her dreams of having children are fading. She is young enough to start over with another man and have the life she dreams of I need advice. If it were you would you want to know? Has this ever happened to you or someone you know? If so, how did it turn out in the end? I wonder, if were to tell her, should I do it anonymously in a letter or just be straightforward with her? Should I put it off until after she graduates?
The reason I have for wanting her to find out the sooner the better is that I fear for her safety. I no longer trust him. 2 years ago if someone told me he would be capable of this secret life I would have laughed at that. Now, I think he is a very dangerous person because I don't know what he is capable of doing to hide his secrets. Everyone he knows would be shocked by this and the possibility that he has a child for years that no one knew about. His family will turn on him. He has everything to lose if he is found out. I don't know if it's from my watching one too many Dateline episodes or what but I don't think I'm overreacting here. He is a real threat to her. He already partially supports his mother, in a divorce, he would possibly pay alimony or their mortgage and support his girlfriend and and ill son? The child has genetic medical condition that requires a lot of expensive medicine. He doesn't make that kind of money. I don't trust the girlfriend either. She's got a lot to lose if he doesn't leave his wife or if his wife divorces him he will be financially strained. From what I can gather, the girlfriend is a very, very dark person. Her interests border on the creepy. Dark imagery in songs, artwork, literature, movies etc... Absolutely all of her interests seem to focus on death and darkness. Yeah, I know some people are into that stuff but this just seems excessive and for a 33 year old mom it seems all the more strange and immature. She couldn't get more opposite from my friend. I don't trust either of them. Who knows what what they would do. You hear these stories on the news all the time.
Please help me. Tell me what you would do if you were in my shoes? What if you were my friend and this was happening to you, how or would you want to know? Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this very long post and letting me get this off my chest. I've been holding this in for months. I feel like the worst friend in the world some days for not telling her. I fell like I'm helping him keep his dirty secrets. Then some days I can rationalize why I haven't said anything. But it's getting harder to do so.
Thanks for listening.
