How to handle ex's girlfriend who is also the person he cheated with?

[jenjunsan]

I try not to rant too much about my personal life, but I cannot contain myself at the moment. My ex-husband has visitation with my daughter and she is with him at the moment. He lives with his girlfriend who is also the person he cheated with and ultimately left me for. Typically he and I don't fight often. I have no problem with he and my daughter seeing eachother whenever they want...he's a good dad for the most part. The problem I have is with his girlfriend. He told me I need to get used to her and treat her with respect because she is going to be part of my daughter's life. My response is that I cannot control who he makes a part of my daughter's life but I have control over who is a part of mine. Honestly, I will never treat this woman with respect because respect has to be earned. From the time my ex moved out, this woman has tried to instigate things with me. She is constantly trying to antagonize me in any way possible-which makes NO sense to me because I am not the one who did anything. Geez! You have him! Go on with your life! I leave them alone completely. I basically just want nothing to do with her. The other day I ran into her at the grocery and I was walking in front of her and she was snickering behind my back. I just ignored her. I don't want to get into a confrontation with her because of my daughter. My ex does not do anything to ask her to leave me alone.

Well, this afternoon I called my daughter to see if she wanted to go get a manicure with me. She asked if the woman's daughter could come along too. This is a child who did nothing wrong, so I was trying to be nice and said I would take her. My daughter calls back and said that the woman said that her daughter could only go if I went speak with her first. Clearly, she was trying to force me into a situation and make me look bad. I have nothing to say to her and there is nothing good that will come out of a confrontation. (I don't like confrontation to begin with). I ended up telling my daughter that I would just take her when she comes home. Now I am in tears because I feel like I end up looking the like bad one when it is just her again antagonizing me and being manipulative. I really don't want to get into a big fight with my ex and her. My boyfriend (who came along months after me and my ex split) is very supportive, but he thinks I should say something to them and stop letting them walk on me. I just know from the past-I've tried explaining how I feel to my ex and he doesn't get it and doesn't understand why I can't be friendly with her. No matter how nicely I say it, unless I see things their way, it won't turn out good. I don't poke my nose in their business, I don't instigate things, I leave them alone, I don't do anything mean to her-I just basically don't speak to her. I just want them to leave me alone.

I have had people tell me I should be the bigger person and be friendly with her, but my feelings are so strong that I just cannot bring myself to do that. I know my ex was at fault too, but she was the person who came into my marriage and tore my family apart. I wish he would have been a bigger person and just left first, then perhaps I wouldn't feel this way. If they broke up, I could honestly be friendly with the next person he dates (as long as they are good to my daughter) because they would not have disrespected me. I am much happier with the man I am with now and he understands me more than my ex ever did, but I can't get past how I feel about HER. I know alot of it has to do with my pride. Has anyone else ever been in this situation?

 

[pumpkincat210]

What a difficult situation. I would definately talk to her and your ex anyways and get to know her no matter how much you dislike her. Since your child is going to be over there you have a responsibility to know the basics about her. Keep it civil for the sake of the children, and let her know that you are not a threat to their new relationship and that you have your own boyfriend. Tell her you don't like the disrespect you have endured from her. I can understand why you dislike her, she broke up your home. The only thing you can do now is be the bigger person and know that his new girlfreind is probably insecure, she probably doesn't even trust your ex to a certain degree because she was the homewrecker. She may feel another woman may come into the picture and steal her man away like she did to you.
Fake a smile and take care of your daughter and be nice to her daughter too, this will drive her mad, but she will eventually come to her senses or leave him. Kill them with kindness and you will come out on top.

 

[talste]

sorry I cant offer any advice, just support

Your situation sounds awful but so far it sounds like you've handled it with poise and grace. I have no idea what I would do in that situation, well I'd probably want to scratch the home wrecking whores eyes out

 

[M.A.C. head.]

Honey...PLEASE DO NOT feel obligated to be "nice" and "friendly" to the woman who had a hand in destroying your marriage and your family. Excuse my language, but that is absolute bullshit. UNLESS...She tries to "call a truce" first. If she apologizes sincerely and tries to be civil with you, then yes, I would say to show her some kindness. If she doesn't...YOU HAVEN'T DONE A DAMN THING WRONG, so why should it be YOUR job to play nice? Now, this doesn't mean that you have to be MEAN, it just means that you choose to deal with your ex and your daughter ONLY; just as you have been.

What good will it do you to act friendly and goody-goody to her if she's just going to instigating, talking shit, and snickering behind your back and in your face? You're just going to feel fake, like you're wearing a mask, and I think that would make you feel even worse.

Just stay focused on the life you have to lead for yourself and your daughter.

Good luck and best wishes.

 

[Beauty Mark]

You are not obligated to be friendly toward her. The most I would do is be civil. What I mean is be polite, don't scream at her, but don't go out of your way to talk to her.

In the situation you mentioned, not knowing you or this other woman, there is a small off chance she wanted to coordinate pick up and drop off times. I don't know how old your child is, but sometimes it's better to have the adults do the coordinating.

 

[neezer]

what the other two above have said...All you have to do is be civil...if she is being disrespectful, call her on it, but don't just act nuts about it yanno? Don't let her show that she has gotten to you or anything. Yes it may seem awkward but the main point is that, that's YOUR Daughter and instead of your ex telling you that she's in his life and you got to get used to it, what he needs to be saying to HER is "THIS IS THE MOTHER OF MY CHILD, WHICH I LOVE, AND YOU NEED TO RESPECT HER (YOU)!"

Men are amazing. And the females who allow to have a man who cheated are even more sucky. I swear. You are already better than most of us because i would of backhand her in the store!

 

[pumpkincat210]

i totally understand wanting to just kick her ass, but at the same time there are 2 children to think about and be role models to. Just be careful it doesn't turn into a trailer park fight, lol.

 

[benzito_714]

whoa... first off you are already the bigger person for not whooping everybody's as all up and down your town. Jesus be a referee for a cage match because I would've put foot to ass if I was in your situation. Sorry for that but your story took me to a familiar place.

Anyway your ex-husband and his girlfriend are to be treated respectfully as you are doing and so should you! They are not holding up their end of the deal. Now I would love to call his girlfriend a 'slut-faced hoe-bag' but I won't, instead I will commend you on your handling of the situation and say honestly that I do not think you can have a conversation with either one of them. The girlfriend feels entitled to treat you as less than the woman you are because she is not being told to respect you and unfortunately she is an immature slut-faced hoe-bag, (oops did I do that) who does not know how to be civil. And your ex-husband, well we all know what he is. Continue being strong for your daughter and your sanity and be glad that someone came and got the trash.

 

[lvgz]

neezer, i wouldve done worse than just backhand her. i completely agree. you have control over the people in YOUR life, and its prob best to keep her out of it.

 

[Ms. Z]

I totally feel for you, your situation is terrible. I have been in a similar situation but I have to admit that I have no advice for you. Yeah, you could be the bigger person and try to talk to her, but what you are telling us she’s probably an immature jealous bitch and it wouldn’t work anyway. What I can tell you is that my ex’s bitch is still the same although its 15 years later and we are in our 40’s! People like this only get worse with age. Good Luck!

Quote:

Originally Posted by neezer Yes it may seem awkward but the main point is that, that's YOUR Daughter and instead of your ex telling you that she's in his life and you got to get used to it, what he needs to be saying to HER is "THIS IS THE MOTHER OF MY CHILD, WHICH I LOVE, AND YOU NEED TO RESPECT HER (YOU)!"

Thank you, that would be the adult way to take care of this.
I wish that my ex would've been man enough to stick up to his domineering, classless immature, jealous uneducated, fashionabley challenged troll this way.

 

[bellaconnie80]

Oh wow.. I'm so sorry your in a nightmare that never ends.. I dont have any words of wisdom.. but I feel like crying.. how awful!!

 

[Lauren1981]

your ex's girlfriend sounds like a child herself. i do agree with not seeing the point in her trying to instigate things with you if she is the one he ended up leaving you for. but, for your daughters sake i would at least try to be civil towards this woman just because you don't want to drag your daughter into any arguments you have with him or her. if this woman still wants to act like a child then you can never say you didn't try. this is a f*cked up situation to be in and i feel for you. it sucks all the way around. i understand it's even harder to be the bigger person since in a sense this whole situation came about because of him and her but for the childs sake you might have to. a lot of times men are f*cking oblivious to things that we as women catch onto instantly. we can see the little immature things and catch onto the "hidden meanings" behind what immature women will do and say but in the end we always end up looking like the crazy one. i would just make sure not to give this woman anymore power. meaning, don't let anyone, ANYONE take you out of your element. so if some of the things she does has you acting in a way that's not normal for you, i would check that asap.

another thing is to (and this will be hard as hell) just ignore the childishness she throws out at you. i mean, this woman really can't do anything to you, ya know? if she tried anything you'd just have to go to court and maybe do the whole child-support thing. i mean, it's hard as f*ck and i'm not in your situation but i live with an extremely CHILDISH girl who claims to be 28 years old. i've found i do more damage to her by treating her like she doesn't even exist. i mean, as far as i'm concerned this broad isn't even breathing and that's more intimidating. so for instance when you saw this broad in the grocery store, just walk around her and do your thing as if she's not there because bottom line, if she was an adult and secure in her relationship she wouldn't go out of her way to act the way she does.

so, yeah, you just have to be the adult in the whole thing. i'm not saying you're not, i'm just saying don't let her bring you down with her.
hope i helped!
good luck with everything ;-)

 

[PolyphonicLove]

Huh, Little Miss Homewrecker sounds like she wants to rub the loss in your face a majority of the time. Now I hate to say it, but I'd have beat both their asses a LONG time ago, and smacked old dude with child support. But I'm just hateful.

You don't have to talk to this woman. You don't have to be all lovey dovey. Hell, just ignore her skank ass. Only one you have to deal with is your scum ex. And him saying that YOU have to get used to the woman is flat out wrong...she needs to get used to YOU as the mother of HIS child. Quite honestly, I don't know what the hell she's doing with him, he'll end up cheating on her eventually...

Sorry, me being hateful again.

Anyways. Keep staying positive for your daughter. Keep your Beau close by for support. And if the ex or that girl start any more trash, call me and I'll show up with the bat. Kay? Kay. Cos I have to stick up for my Louisiana girls.

 

[jenjunsan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by PolyphonicLove Huh, Little Miss Homewrecker sounds like she wants to rub the loss in your face a majority of the time. Now I hate to say it, but I'd have beat both their asses a LONG time ago, and smacked old dude with child support. But I'm just hateful. You don't have to talk to this woman. You don't have to be all lovey dovey. Hell, just ignore her skank ass. Only one you have to deal with is your scum ex. And him saying that YOU have to get used to the woman is flat out wrong...she needs to get used to YOU as the mother of HIS child. Quite honestly, I don't know what the hell she's doing with him, he'll end up cheating on her eventually... Sorry, me being hateful again. Anyways. Keep staying positive for your daughter. Keep your Beau close by for support. And if the ex or that girl start any more trash, call me and I'll show up with the bat. Kay? Kay. Cos I have to stick up for my Louisiana girls.

Thanks....this made me really laugh.

 

[PolyphonicLove]

Yay! I'm glad it cheered you up, even if it was just a bit. You're too pretty to be this down.

 

[Lara01]

you have done nothing wrong, she deserves no respect from you, keep your head held high hun, xx

 

[macface]

Quote:

Originally Posted by PolyphonicLove Huh, Little Miss Homewrecker sounds like she wants to rub the loss in your face a majority of the time. Now I hate to say it, but I'd have beat both their asses a LONG time ago, and smacked old dude with child support. But I'm just hateful. You don't have to talk to this woman. You don't have to be all lovey dovey. Hell, just ignore her skank ass. Only one you have to deal with is your scum ex. And him saying that YOU have to get used to the woman is flat out wrong...she needs to get used to YOU as the mother of HIS child. Quite honestly, I don't know what the hell she's doing with him, he'll end up cheating on her eventually... Sorry, me being hateful again. Anyways. Keep staying positive for your daughter. Keep your Beau close by for support. And if the ex or that girl start any more trash, call me and I'll show up with the bat. Kay? Kay. Cos I have to stick up for my Louisiana girls.

Well said