I Feel Like I'm Never Good Enough

[JGunnar]

I normally wouldn't post something like this on the internet .. but I have no female friends to talk to and this is really getting to me. You guys seem like a mature group of women so here goes.

In my life I've had one serious boyfriend who I was with for 4 years. After that was over I dated casually because I was young with him and felt like I never experienced what it was like to date around and explore what guys were out there.

Last year I decided that I was done dating around and that I would like to be in a serious relationship again. I haven't been anxious or rushed it, but I decided I wanted to not play around anymore. So far it's been a nightmare.

Guy#1 - I met him on the internet after he viewed my Yahoo profile and messaged me to tell me how beautiful I was. We talked and hit it off great. We were inseparable on the phone and on the computer for a few weeks and finally decided to meet up. He drove down here to meet me and stay the weekend.
First night was fine and he was really nervous and kept saying he was afraid I wouldn't like him in person because he really liked me. I did like him and was just kicking back trying to get to know him face to face. By the second day out of nowhere he was distant and things were awkward. I asked him what's up and he said he didn't think things were going to work because he missed his ex. He thought he could handle being with me, but he couldn't because his mind was on her and everything about me made him miss her. Burn.

Guy#2 - Started seeing him about 2 months later. We were friends and turned into more. We hit it off great, had a strong attraction to one another and things were perfect. He fell for me first and I slowly followed behind. After about 3 months of dating he broke up with me and said he just wasn't ready right now and didn't want to be so serious at the time. He wanted to play around, but he hoped to get back together in the future.

Guy#3 - I've known him for 3 years. He was the man I lost my virginity to. Long story short, We dated for a few months before I had sex with him and of course I fell for him. He changed his mind and said he was not ready for a serious relationship and just wanted to keep things light with me. 6 months later he apologized and said he was inlove with me and just was scared to admit it at first. He told me he was ready and wanted to be with me, but I told him at that point I wasn't ready anymore because I had lost trust in him. We kept up a sexual relationship until he said he felt used and wasn't comfortable being with me sexually while being inlove with me if I didn't feel the same way back, so we stopped talking.
After we fell out of contact I realized I wanted to give him a chance and I missed him like crazy. It took 2 years until I found him again and I was so happy. He said he missed me and was happy to see me again too. We've been spending a lot of time together and I thought we were on the same page. That was until today we started talking about relationship together.

He told me he likes me a lot, but he didn't want to lie to me. He wanted to sleep around and wasn't interested in being in a relationship with me. He said it's because he's tried relationships before and they always fail so now he just wants to be free.
I explained to him that I understood, but I felt I never gave him a reason to think I would hurt him. I confessed to him how much I missed him and cared about him this whole time so I never had any intentions of being a bitch. He ended up ignoring me after my confession (this was over text while he was working and way after he got off he still never returned my messages). So I texted him again and said there was obviously a misunderstanding which I apologized for but I said that I wasn't interested in just being another hole he stuck himself in. And if he's said his piece, I've said mine and I wished him good luck in life.
Still no response which hurts me the most because I think I deserve more than to be ignored especially after I told him how I feel and the fact that I'm just not some random girl to him. He knows me and we've been through so much.

After all of this I can't help but wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Things start off great, they seem really into me at first and then the guy finds a reason to pull out and not be serious with me, typically because of something he's been through with another girl and I can't compete. I'm not a clingy girl, I don't try to rush things quickly, I've got my shit together and I'm not a bitch, I don't give up sex easily but it still seems I'm just not good enough. Other girls are, but I'm not. I just don't get it. And hearing this 3x in a row is rough. My self esteem is pretty much shot now lol. And these aren't young guys either 22, 27 and 32 and they've had nothing in common except not wanting to be with me so it's not like I've repeatedly gone for a specific bad type.

I just really don't know what to do with myself. I'd like to think some day I'll be like other girls with a guy who loves me, someone I can settle down with an maybe marry but after trying I feel like it's never going to happen because there's something wrong with me. I'm just undesirable I guess.

*shrug*

Why is this happening? What can I do?

 

[MissResha]

how old are u?

 

[JGunnar]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissResha how old are u?

Haha. I'm 24.

I know this probably sounds like some emo teenage rant, but seriously.

 

[ShortnSassy]

to me, you sound like someone who is responsible, respects herself, and has a good head on her shoulders.

i hope this doesn't sound harsh, but in most of these cases it sounds like these guys were having issues with themselves and you made it about you.

you deserve someone who wants to be with you and make you happy. he will come around. just focus on living your life and making yourself happy, and when you least expect it, he will show up in your life and surprise you.

i know it sounds easier said than done, but i've always been a strong believer in that everything happens for a reason. even though crappy situations happen, we always learn something from them. always. if things always went fantastic, you wouldn't be nearly as experienced as you are today.

so just remember you are strong, beautiful and worthy and when mr. right comes along, you will know it.

 

[Face2Mac]

You are so young and smart. It seems to me that they can't handle you. It's not you, it's them.
They are are the slow. Women grow up quicker then men and the maturity level makes a difference.

Although you think dating the 32 was getting someone ready to settle down, but more than likely, a man not married or hasn't been in a long term relationship by 32, there is something wrong with him.

I say remember you have a lot of living to do. At this point, don't focus on a man, focus on yourself and men will flock to you. Don't go into every situation thinking I want to settle down, they smell it and will use it against you.

Remember, you are fabulous and anyone who deserves you will want to be with you from the beginning and they will tell you about it.

 

[gitts]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShortnSassy to me, you sound like someone who is responsible, respects herself, and has a good head on her shoulders. i hope this doesn't sound harsh, but in most of these cases it sounds like these guys were having issues with themselves and you made it about you. you deserve someone who wants to be with you and make you happy. he will come around. just focus on living your life and making yourself happy, and when you least expect it, he will show up in your life and surprise you. i know it sounds easier said than done, but i've always been a strong believer in that everything happens for a reason. even though crappy situations happen, we always learn something from them. always. if things always went fantastic, you wouldn't be nearly as experienced as you are today. so just remember you are strong, beautiful and worthy and when mr. right comes along, you will know it.

I totally agree. Maybe this is also an indication to take sometime alone to enjoy just being you. Become more in-tuned to your wants and needs that way when the guys do come along you automatically know which ones to pass by aka the losers.

I have found myself in the same place and I am much older than you. My child bearing years are running out but I have decided not to freak out about it. I am going to go out and enjoy being me and pray that all things will fall into place for me. I am not a bad person so I am hoping some good will follow these string of bad men.

 

[gildedangel]

Don't feel bad, you sound like a great person! The average person is involved in 6 serious relationshops before they find the person that they are supposed to be with. Your still young, you shouldn't feel rushed. You have all of the time in the world to find Mr. Right, and when you do you will know it. Just take these past relationships as lessons for the future, after all isn't that what dating is? Good Luck!

 

[nichollecaren]

I agree with all that has been said, You are clearly extremely intelligent, and grounded. YOU do not seem immature at all. But I wonder why it is that ALL three of the guys youre interested in have issues? Contrary to popular belief, not all men are weird...not even most.

Theres a thing I learned a few years back...its the "common denominator" - when multiple unrelated situations all end the same way, the way to find the root cause is to find what they all have in common.

Perhaps you need to take time and consider if YOU really are interested in being in a committed relationship. Sometimes we unwittingly chase those that will never settle because deep inside we dont really want to either. And no, you may not even be aware that this is what you are doing. You can actually want a relationship with your heart and soul, and still, not be ready.

I believe it is either that, or you need to rethink yourself and what you put out there. I can tell you from my own personal experience, the way you present yourself has a lot to do with the people you attract. If you feel you arent good enough, you will gain the attention of people who agree. If you consider yourself worthy of the love and commitment of a good man, a good man will see it, and the others will realize 'where bones are not provided, dogs are not invited' (i.e. you have nothing to offer them). Confident, self assured, ready to commit people are attracted to their own kind.


Even if you dont believe any of what I have suggested applies to you, please remember this-you can never be taken advantage of, unless you allow it. Set your standards high-its your right as a woman, it is their job as men measure up to it. MY mom always said "never forget ...YOU have what THEY want".

 

[JGunnar]

Thank you ladies. You all are so right. It feels like every time I've done ok for myself, gotten over one guy and just enjoy being alone another falls in my lap and the same cycle starts over again. I don't intend on dating again for awhile after this.

Honestly I can admit that these guys have not been on my level. Guy#1 turned out to be a drug addict and I didn't know that until about a month later when he tried to meet up with me again. I dodged the bullet with him an I think the reason he missed his ex over me was because they were more of the same. She accepted what he did and was just as crazy as he is. He probably knew I wouldn't accept his lifestyle nor participate so he got rid of me.

Guy#3, the 32 year old, I can admit he has his issues as well. He's not that much of a catch to be honest and not to sound conceited .. but he's really not on my level at all which is why he tends to go for ghetto hoochie mama type chicks lol. The exact opposite of what I am. But you know how it is. Sometimes your heart just clings to your first. And I guess through everything I never stopped admiring mine. Until now. So I could overlook all of his short comings just because I had feelings for him and he always treated me good for the most part.


So in a way I'm not torn up over the fact that the relationships ended with these guys, but I'm torn up that they ended it with me because for some reason or another I wasn't good enough for them. I feel like if I can't be good enough for the scummiest of guys who can I be good enough for, you know?

Maybe I shouldn't look at things that way. Maybe I shouldn't say I'm "not good enough" but I'm just tired of hearing "I can't/don't want to be with you". Those words sting so much, even if they're doing me a favor. And I feel that ultimately they are rejection words and that's what they mean, that I'm not good enough.

 

[nichollecaren]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JGunnar Thank you ladies. You all are so right. It feels like every time I've done ok for myself, gotten over one guy and just enjoy being alone another falls in my lap and the same cycle starts over again. I don't intend on dating again for awhile after this. Honestly I can admit that these guys have not been on my level. Guy#1 turned out to be a drug addict and I didn't know that until about a month later when he tried to meet up with me again. I dodged the bullet with him an I think the reason he missed his ex over me was because they were more of the same. She accepted what he did and was just as crazy as he is. He probably knew I wouldn't accept his lifestyle nor participate so he got rid of me. Guy#3, the 32 year old, I can admit he has his issues as well. He's not that much of a catch to be honest and not to sound conceited .. but he's really not on my level at all which is why he tends to go for ghetto hoochie mama type chicks lol. The exact opposite of what I am. But you know how it is. Sometimes your heart just clings to your first. And I guess through everything I never stopped admiring mine. Until now. So I could overlook all of his short comings just because I had feelings for him and he always treated me good for the most part. So in a way I'm not torn up over the fact that the relationships ended with these guys, but I'm torn up that they ended it with me because for some reason or another I wasn't good enough for them. I feel like if I can't be good enough for the scummiest of guys who can I be good enough for, you know? Maybe I shouldn't look at things that way. Maybe I shouldn't say I'm "not good enough" but I'm just tired of hearing "I can't/don't want to be with you". Those words sting so much, even if they're doing me a favor. And I feel that ultimately they are rejection words and that's what they mean, that I'm not good enough.

You know...the first guy I ever fell for decided he wanted to be with someone else. And he didnt have the guts to tell me-she did.

I was devastated...and really wondered what on earth...why am I not good enough?

7 years later, he tells me that back then he knew he couldnt give me what I deserved, so he copped out.

Men are smart...but they also have huge egos. NO man will tell you he isnt good enough...he'd rather tell you that something's wrong with YOU.

 

[JGunnar]

Thanks Nicolle both of your posts were awesome.

I think you're right. Maybe the problem with me is I should have a more demanding attitude that I deserve the best and way more picky than I have been. I can probably be too easy going. I am open minded and give people chances without judging them too much initially (I mean as long as they don't come off as total losers). Obviously so far that's done me no good dating wise.

It may be bitchy to have higher standards and start turning guys away, but if it'll preserve my feelings in the future I'm thinking about going for it.

 

[nichollecaren]

Chica, you are so welcome. I have been there-I know its frustrating!

Assertive doesnt have to be demanding and bitchy. You can be laid back, cool, calm and quiet while still maintaining your standards. "No I wont sleep with you until we have established..." or "why are you all this spending time, are you sure this is what you want?". The assertive woman knows what she wants, and isnt afraid to say it respectfully. She is also very sharp minded, and doesn't take anyone at face value, actions must back up words. She also knows that time and observation reveals the real truth-not just words.

Girl, if he's not up to par, nicely tell him---babe, i'm just not interested. The key is to take your time in observing them. Set a limit if you must-whatever it takes. The right man will wait while you make up your mind.The longer you take in deciding, and the more you think practically about the relationship you are considering, the less likely it is that you will have a lapse in judgment. It is also more likely that the time waster will lose patience and show up his dirty colors! Sometimes, being in control of our emotions is what makes the difference between heartache, and mere disappointment.

You are a sweet girl, don't morph into a bitch just to protect your heart. If you do that, when the real love comes, you will be too hardened to enjoy it!

 

[JGunnar]

Nicholle, will you be my new bff? My gay friends have nothing on you. LOL.

 

[nichollecaren]

sure luv LOL

 

[iadoremac]

I am the same age as you are and I know how it feels but trust me when I say you will meet someone. Just keep doing your thing

 

[Girl about town]

Hi i've not much in the way of advice but i have always been told that men that dive in too fast and tell you they love you from day 1 etc are actually the ones that turn out to be the commitmentphobes!!!

Try not to give so much of yourself to someone right away and take things slowly!!!

 

[LaGoddess]

that's why they call it self esteem. love yourself and forget about any jerky guy that hurts you. don't let them make u hate urself or doubt what ur worth-u decide that for urself.

 

[Shimmer]

Just a suggestion?
Forego the whole 'relationship' thing right now, and find things that edify and satisfy YOU. Play softball, go swimming, take cooking classes, read at a local coffee shop once a week, go rock climbing, take dance classes, whatever...do things that fulfill your life and make you feel good.

The rest kind of falls in line behind that.

 

[ForgetRegret]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer Just a suggestion? Forego the whole 'relationship' thing right now, and find things that edify and satisfy YOU. Play softball, go swimming, take cooking classes, read at a local coffee shop once a week, go rock climbing, take dance classes, whatever...do things that fulfill your life and make you feel good. The rest kind of falls in line behind that.

^^She's so damn smart. LOL
I was going to post something similar to this...basically a quick background, I'm sort of in a similar situation, but for me, guy #3 ended up completely changing my life, because now I have a 5 and a half month old son, and he's never going to know anything about his father. Please don't mistake my previous statement for anger or any other ill feelings toward my son...I absolutely adore that little boy, and there have been MANY days where I've felt like he was the only good thing I had in my life. ...but still, there is a good part of me that feels slightly guilty, because he deserves a father...he didn't ask to be brought into this world, and as much as I do everything I can for that little guy, I still think it's unfair that he doesn't have his father in his life.
Anyway, the point is (sorry for the ADD tangent) that for months after I stopped speaking to my ex (I was still pregnant at the time...and anyone who's been pregnant KNOWS those preggo hormones...ugh), I just kept wondering what was wrong with me, why he would do something so terrible to me...and why the hell wasn't I smart enough to see through him. I finally stopped feeling sorry for myself and went out with a friend of mine one night to the studio that she takes dance lessons at...I fell in love, and since I was 7 months pregnant, I've been taking ballroom lessons.
It's done wonders for my self esteem, not to mention that it's super fun, it's good for me (hello cardio!), and is a great way to get rid of stress. Obviously dancing isn't everyone's solution, but go find something that you have fun doing, and forget about the boys for a while...the right one will come along eventually, but it's never going to happen when you're looking for him. GL sweetie...hope you feel better...because there's definitely NOTHING wrong with you!

 

[JGunnar]

Great advice here. Thank you everyone very much