I need feedback, roommate troubles

[Boasorte]

Ok I must say that I get along with all 3 of my roommates except when it comes to the cleaning.
When my prior roommate moved out she decided instead of hiring a cleaning service, she'll knock off $25 from out rent so we can share cleaning duties. (4 girls, one cleaning week a month)

It hasn't been going well since this new rule, which took place in March. One of our roommates "Jane" never wraps her food up leaves crumbs out, and only cleans the house when I tell her to. She's getting better at the cleaning though, so it doesn't bother us. ( Although it's still a problem with the crumbs everywhere)

Another roommate "Mindy" cooks and leaves food on the stove, takes showers and leaves her hair EVERYWHERE, and her dirt in the tub. Seriously, there's a ring around our tub

What we'd normally do is write reminders on a white board, but when I did that, no one listened. Spoke to them, still nothing. So one day I was telling my sister about it via Facebook, and they saw it. So Mindy decides to email our former roommate ( the lease is in her name so we have to keep contact) and decides to spew all these lies about me, and tell the former roommate " Anne" not to tell me she was tell her- which Anne did anyway.

Just today, I wake up this morning to find peas and rice on the floor of the kitchen and on the stove top, as well as a dirty kitchen eye (sp?). So I texted 2 of my roommates "Mindy" and "Jessica" (Jane is on vacation in Bangladesh) and asked them who did it? Mindy texts me back and starts questioning me why am I asking her that and why did I leave a pan in the sink all night ( which I did to soak in water).

I'm just tired of this girl, and I want to slap her when I get home. I'm looking for new places to live, but I can't find anything in my city, nor the next 3 cities over in my budget, and I'm out of options.

I need help on how to handle this situation- I'm tired of sounding like a broken record.

 

[Odette]

There must be a general consensus that each person is responsible for cleaning up their own private area and any mess they make in the kitchen, bathroom etc....Leaving foods crumbs around the home is just asking for vermin.

What you then need is a roster. Rather than have one person do the cleaning once a week you need to assign a cleaning duty (ies) to each person that needs to be done weekly for all the common areas. This would also include cleaning the kitchen and bathroom on top of what each individual is responsible for.

Also keep in mind what you consider clean or dirty is very subjective. So you may all have to get down to the nitty gritty and specify how you want something cleaned or what the acceptable standards are.

Good luck.

 

[QueenBam]

shiiiiiit.... i had this same exact problem with a girl a year ago. im sorry but i think the best deal would be to hash out the $25 bux a months because you and the girls seem to have different perspectives on what "clean" (and "RESPECTFUL") is, and the drama could get worse

good luck!

 

[LMD84]

can you guys afford to pay the extra $25 to get a cleaning service? if so just let your landlord know because obviously people can't manage themselves! i'd be getting very stressed too at the situation. perhaps have a house meeting where you can make cleaning rotas and just try and make boundries with each other - like what is ok and what is not

 

[Meisje]

Living with roommates has a lot of perks --- built-in socialization, the chance to get to know people you might normally not get to know, and always having someone watching the house.

But the shared cleaning aspect blows. I have never lived with anyone who was on the same page as me when it came to cleaning.

From what you've told me about this situation, the best thing you can do, no matter how furious they make you, is to deal with it with absolutely NO attitude or anger.

If you approach this with any anger whatsoever, it will come off as self-righteousness and they will shut down before you can accomplish anything (or worse, it will disintegrate into a screaming match, making things worse). Tact is really important, and even if they don't deserve respect, you have to show it when dealing with this.

Otherwise, according to the assessments of their personalities you've written here (they are immature), they're going to start doing things just to piss you off.

 

[makeupbysarab]

I think that is better to you spend $25 and don't have any more problems... And when you can, move out...

 

[Boasorte]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Odette There must be a general consensus that each person is responsible for cleaning up their own private area and any mess they make in the kitchen, bathroom etc....Leaving foods crumbs around the home is just asking for vermin. What you then need is a roster. Rather than have one person do the cleaning once a week you need to assign a cleaning duty (ies) to each person that needs to be done weekly for all the common areas. This would also include cleaning the kitchen and bathroom on top of what each individual is responsible for. Also keep in mind what you consider clean or dirty is very subjective. So you may all have to get down to the nitty gritty and specify how you want something cleaned or what the acceptable standards are. Good luck.

That wouldn't even work because these girls don't like to clean. I do admit I am picky about common area cleanliness although my own room is chaos. However, I draw the line rings around the tub, food on the floors, and dirty toilets

Quote:

Originally Posted by QueenBam shiiiiiit.... i had this same exact problem with a girl a year ago. im sorry but i think the best deal would be to hash out the $25 bux a months because you and the girls seem to have different perspectives on what "clean" (and "RESPECTFUL") is, and the drama could get worse good luck!

We already had drama, that's where the girl was telling our former roommate that I play loud music, I gave the replacement roommate dirty looks, blah blah.
I seem to honestly be the only one who likes shit clean clean, and not just ' oh let's tidy up' clean.

 

[Boasorte]

Quote:

Originally Posted by makeupbysarab I think that is better to you spend $25 and don't have any more problems... And when you can, move out...

Muito obrigada. Eu espero que I can move out soon. I can't afford to, but I'm looking for a second job to make more money
Quote:

Originally Posted by Meisje Living with roommates has a lot of perks --- built-in socialization, the chance to get to know people you might normally not get to know, and always having someone watching the house. But the shared cleaning aspect blows. I have never lived with anyone who was on the same page as me when it came to cleaning. From what you've told me about this situation, the best thing you can do, no matter how furious they make you, is to deal with it with absolutely NO attitude or anger. If you approach this with any anger whatsoever, it will come off as self-righteousness and they will shut down before you can accomplish anything (or worse, it will disintegrate into a screaming match, making things worse). Tact is really important, and even if they don't deserve respect, you have to show it when dealing with this. Otherwise, according to the assessments of their personalities you've written here (they are immature), they're going to start doing things just to piss you off.

I've been nice, too many times- unnaturally nice which isn't me. I'm a straight shooter, so after faking politeness, I'm like " looks here's this..."

I do think these girls are immature, and very sheltered, they expect smiles and laughter all the time, that's not me. But I am respectful. I'm 20 these 2 girls are 23 and they act too much like babies for me.

We've been through this numerous times, I'd say about 7 times of me saying the same thing! " Clean the tub and take the hair out when you shower, wipe the counters when you're done preparing food..."

I'm trying so hard not to get an attitude, which they already think I have. My exact words this morning was " good morning girls, who the hell left peas on the floor and stove this morning?" which is how I would have said it had they'd been in front of my face- and she got so offended by it, why ? No idea, especially when I talk llike that 99% of the time.

 

[Boasorte]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LMD84 can you guys afford to pay the extra $25 to get a cleaning service? if so just let your landlord know because obviously people can't manage themselves! i'd be getting very stressed too at the situation. perhaps have a house meeting where you can make cleaning rotas and just try and make boundries with each other - like what is ok and what is not

We can all afford it, that was the original plan when we moved in anyway. But instead we were paying the lease holder aka Anne to keep the place clean.
I emailed Anne today about this, and she sent a mass email to us girls they're not too happy with me right now since I asked for a cleaning lady. As soon as I came in the door, they went in their rooms and shut the door

Which I really don't give a damn about.

We've had house meets, notes left around the place, nothing works! It'll go smoothly for a while then one person stops cleaning, then everything gets nasty.

It's so funny how my roommate who left the peas on the floor complains about the other leaving crumbs and how we're gonna get bugs ( which we did, we had a waterbug a coupla weeks ago) but she's getting sensitive over me telling her about this

 

[katred]

I agree with those who said that it's probably just easier to pay the $25 for the cleaning service. Although the house meets haven't worked in the past, I think it would be good to sit down and talk it out, all of you (at least, all of you who are there now) together. I think part of the reason that they're reacting badly is that they see a text message or a note and they immediately get their backs up.

You shouldn't feel that you have to be overly nice, but try to keep things on a civil level. If they're complaining about each other's mess (crumbs and such), it seems obvious that they'd like to fix the situation, but you're the only one who's saying anything, which casts you in the role of the "bad guy". I think you need to make them aware that you say these things not to be bitchy or critical, but because you genuinely want the place clean, which is what everyone wants.

That said, I think all of you just need to come to a collective decision. The system that you've tried isn't working, which all of them must know, so what is the best plan to keep things clean and keep everyone happy? You've floated the idea of a cleaning lady, which is the obvious option. If they have other suggestions, this would give them the chance to voice any other ideas they might have. The idea is not even to talk about the past/ present issues or accuse anyone, but to figure out a solution.

I've gone through roommate issues before and I know what a misery they can be. We all have to deal with enough idiots without having them invade our homes.

 

[Meisje]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsWestchesterNY Muito obrigada. Eu espero que I can move out soon. I can't afford to, but I'm looking for a second job to make more money I've been nice, too many times- unnaturally nice which isn't me. I'm a straight shooter, so after faking politeness, I'm like " looks here's this..." I do think these girls are immature, and very sheltered, they expect smiles and laughter all the time, that's not me. But I am respectful. I'm 20 these 2 girls are 23 and they act too much like babies for me. We've been through this numerous times, I'd say about 7 times of me saying the same thing! " Clean the tub and take the hair out when you shower, wipe the counters when you're done preparing food..." I'm trying so hard not to get an attitude, which they already think I have. My exact words this morning was " good morning girls, who the hell left peas on the floor and stove this morning?" which is how I would have said it had they'd been in front of my face- and she got so offended by it, why ? No idea, especially when I talk llike that 99% of the time.

The reason they think you have an attitude is because they resent anyone telling them what to do. Ever. I have had roommates like that. It's not an issue with how you're handling it --- they are just immature, spoiled, and take any suggestion that they modify their behaviour as an insult.

I don't mean you have to be a doormat. I just mean that they seem to be very childish, which means they take extreme offense to ANY suggestion they are less than perfect, and the more you sound like their Mom, the worse their reaction is going to be. It seems like a no-win situation, but it can get worse if they start lashing out. Tread as lightly as you can while getting your point across...

Absolutely spring for the cleaning service, I just don't think there's going to be any sensible resolution otherwise.

 

[Boasorte]

Ok I emailed our former roommate and basically she's about to kick me out here's the email
Hi Jezel,

I need to stop hearing stories from the other girls about how your behavior is worse than any other roommate they have had before.

They tell me that your expectations for cleanliness are excessive and you do not hold up your own standards in the kitchen and bathroom.

Please stop complaining to them about the cleanliness of the apartment. It is unreasonable to expect it to look freshly cleaned every day.

It is better to stop talking to them completely than to speak, text, or write to them regularly in an angry mood.

I don't believe that there is a blame game going on.

These are some of the things I've heard:

Spoons were stolen out of the kitchen by one of the guys you brought in.
I was told that you slammed a door in someone's face.
I've been told that a roommate washes your dishes and puts away your food when you forget.
Devorah says that when she cleans she is very detailed and I believe her.
You flipped out about three peas left on the stove.
You have left black gunk in the bathroom sink.
Your colorful soaps bleed on the bathroom tub.
You send text messages using curse words like "hell" that really put across a negative tone.
Quote: Jezel has been lashing out at us recently for reasons unknown. Her bad mood has been projected onto every little thing, and I wouldn't be surprised if the cleaning situation was exacerbated because of it.
Quote: she has insisted that we run through your cleaning list everyday.

I understand that Keya is out of the country and if she is not cleaning at all, I can ask her to pay someone to do her share or have someone else ask her kindly to complete specific tasks within a specific flexible time frame.

If your bad moods continue to cause distress to the other roommates, I'm going to have to ask you to move. Maybe you can stay with one of your friends.

 

[Boasorte]

This whole email is full of lies!
I joked one day when our "tablespoons" ( in quotes because we never HAD tablespoons) were "missing" and I joked maybe my friend "stole it", which I literally told her after I said it, that it was a joke.

I've NEVER slammed the door in anyone's face

I think my LUSH soap does bleed, but I clean it in the tub, and I'm the only one who uses the built in soap dish so yea it's yellow, but NEVER in the tub.

I'm so upset right now, I can't stop crying and I'm ready to start busting heads open

I'm searching with my friend for a2 br, but what I need right now is a hug. I'm SO UPSET3

You guys thanks so much I value everyone's opionion so much right now.

 

[LMD84]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsWestchesterNY This whole email is full of lies! I joked one day when our "tablespoons" ( in quotes because we never HAD tablespoons) were "missing" and I joked maybe my friend "stole it", which I literally told her after I said it, that it was a joke. I've NEVER slammed the door in anyone's face I think my LUSH soap does bleed, but I clean it in the tub, and I'm the only one who uses the built in soap dish so yea it's yellow, but NEVER in the tub. I'm so upset right now, I can't stop crying and I'm ready to start busting heads open I'm searching with my friend for a2 br, but what I need right now is a hug. I'm SO UPSET3 You guys thanks so much I value everyone's opionion so much right now.

i seriously can't believe that email! rather than come to you and ask for your side of what is going on she is just taking what the others are saying as the truth! absoluetly crazy. no wonder you are so upset sweetie. honestly i would just stop talking to your house mates (as suggested in teh email!) and perhaps try and find somewhere else to live. by no means should you have to do this. however to be honest i don't think much will improve at your current home. the girls you live with seem lazy and nasty.

although i would certaintly send an email back saying upset you are that nobdoy is willing to listen to you. and maybe just get the paid cleaner in. i mean if you can all afford it, it will surely stop arguments in the meantime right?

 

[Meisje]

I'm so sorry

Virtual hug?

I know how upsetting it is to have roommates lie about you. I had a horrible situation once where a guy, Q, wanted his sorta-girlfriend to move in to a multiple-room house, found out the owner of the house, B, had promised me the room, and then told them crazy stories about me (claiming I had sex with some guy on a couch in front of my old roommates, saying I stole and lied). The sorta-girlfriend (who, as it turns out, wanted nothing to do with him) refused to move in, and Q took it out on me by stealing my food and detergent, continuing to lie to everyone about me, leaving messes and telling everyone *I* left them, and being an all-around asshole whenever possible. I didn't find out about any of it until Q moved out (...they asked him to leave because he was so difficult. Even the dog hated him, and that dog was a cuddlewhore). B came clean to me about what had been happening after Q moved and I went downstairs to find that Q had taken my entire box of detergent with him.

Definitely cool off and calm down before even attempting to answer, but your best bet would be to find somewhere else to live ASAP.

 

[MissAlexisDDD]

I'd say you could room with me.

That would drive me nuts!

 

[Junkie]

I feel sooo much for you

I was in a similar shitty situation a few years ago. And it was with FRIENDS I had since grade school. We don't talk much anymore - after they kicked me out - and then a year later the other kicked the other roomie out

Its easy for people to gang up on one person and pen you as the "bad-guy" and have everybody believe them. "Truth" comes in numbers - its too bad the owner believes them and not you. You obviously can't contribute 100% to the messes in the house - why doesn't she recognize that?

Cleanliness is always a huge issue. No one wants bugs. I'd say put their dirty dishes in their beds, but after that note, I wouldn't want to do anything that could "prove" them right. If anything, leave the dirty stuff and clean up after yourself ONLY. The bathroom is a different story, but atleast you can be in charge of your own messes. If you make a schedule of chores within a timeframe/day make sure they see you're doing them.

The thing is, that cleaning other people's messes - or worse, being the only person to clean, leaves the door open for you to be taken advantage of. If the owner who sent that email has told the other girls, then why shouldn't they keep complaining to TRY and get you kicked out? If its 3 against 1 I would take my losses (despite the lies) and move out asap. No one likes to feel unwanted. Them avoiding you by going into their rooms proves this.

Maybe try having a meeting in a common place? Invite a non-biased person over to observe the meeting and take notes? It just puts things out there in the open. You get to talk things over in a civilized manner. Maybe apologize for being "unreasonable" about the cleanliness level - its your vice - what you're used to. Come to a compromise.

Even go through the complaints in the email and address them all and prepare a defence for them like you have here.

Tell them you love living there and you just expect a hygienic and clean place to stay. Its common courtesy to clean up after you make a mess to avoid unpleasant smells, bugs or accumulated dirt thats actually harder to clean later on if you keep putting it off. Its also embarrasing to have friends or family over and you don't want to project that impression on someone.

Ask THEM what they prefer as far as cleaning goes. Maybe do the individual cleaning thing as much as possible, but schedule a day where EVERYTHING gets a good cleaning top to bottom - every 2nd Sunday or once a month as an example. If you try to introduce a routine that everyone can agree on, maybe it'll get easier.

Just try to talk everything over in person. It conveys emotion and tone a lot better than an email or text. I can see why the "hell" in the text you sent could've come off as hostile. Give it a day or two so you can properly calm down.

 

[Boasorte]

Thanks everyone for the replies. Just yesterday one roommate came home, and was smiling and waving in my face ( how fucking phony). I said to her " I have nothing to say to you, please don't talk to me". She starts looking scared and sad, then I explained the emails to her.

She swore up and down that the only thing she said to Anne was that she doesn't agree with the extra $25 to clean. I let it go because I was gullible. But an hour later (after I was pretty much over her, but still, I'm gunning for that bitch Devorah) she comes and says " Oh, Jezel, I was rereading the emails that I've sent to Anne, and I did say that you were in a bad mood and lashing everything out on us, I'm so sorry, please, don't fuck me up, or be mad"

Seriously? I wanted to drop kick this bitch, but I just said "whatever" and kept it moving, because I know the majority of the email was in fact other other roommate. " Who I must say has been pretty much complaining about me in such a sneaky manner, it's ridiculous.

It's also annoying that this same girl is always asking me " are you okay, or you in a bad mood" I keep telling her because I don't smile or laugh all day I'm mad? So yesterday morning I said " No I am not in a bad mood, and if I was, I wouldn't say it so you can run an tell Anne, and get me kicked out? No, thank you." She runs in the bathroom and starts crying. I then tried to explain to her, I don't care about what she wrote anymore, because my main issue is with Devorah ( the main one spewing all the lies). But jeez- I can't with these girls

The thing with meeting (and Anne suggested we do this) is that while we may talk, this girl will still not give a damn. I'm not a happy go lucky-smile in your face all day- like OMG let's like go like shopping kind of girl, and she's not used to that.
She is stretching stories, and giving half truths, which irks my nerves to no end.

 

[Boasorte]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Junkie I feel sooo much for you Its easy for people to gang up on one person and pen you as the "bad-guy" and have everybody believe them. "Truth" comes in numbers - its too bad the owner believes them and not you. You obviously can't contribute 100% to the messes in the house - why doesn't she recognize that? Cleanliness is always a huge issue. No one wants bugs. I'd say put their dirty dishes in their beds, but after that note, I wouldn't want to do anything that could "prove" them right. If anything, leave the dirty stuff and clean up after yourself ONLY. The bathroom is a different story, but atleast you can be in charge of your own messes. If you make a schedule of chores within a timeframe/day make sure they see you're doing them. The thing is, that cleaning other people's messes - or worse, being the only person to clean, leaves the door open for you to be taken advantage of. If the owner who sent that email has told the other girls, then why shouldn't they keep complaining to TRY and get you kicked out? If its 3 against 1 I would take my losses (despite the lies) and move out asap. No one likes to feel unwanted. Them avoiding you by going into their rooms proves this. Ask THEM what they prefer as far as cleaning goes. Maybe do the individual cleaning thing as much as possible, but schedule a day where EVERYTHING gets a good cleaning top to bottom - every 2nd Sunday or once a month as an example. If you try to introduce a routine that everyone can agree on, maybe it'll get easier. Just try to talk everything over in person. It conveys emotion and tone a lot better than an email or text. I can see why the "hell" in the text you sent could've come off as hostile. Give it a day or two so you can properly calm down.

They prefer to clean 2 times a month. Hell no to that- not with it. With 4 girls sharing a bathroom, that's unrealistic. I proposed that we "deep clean" the apartment once a week, and clean the bathroom every other day- they 'agreed' and it's never happened

.

The problem with talking to them, is that they'll go 'yes ok, sorry about that, but won't even try to fix the problem.

It's more like 2 against one, and the one that's in Asia right now has no idea what's going on, and is probably my only ally in this nonsense.
See, the thing with moving out ASAP, is- I work part time, 20 hours a week. 90% of my income goes to rent, which isn't even much anyway. I wanted to move out regardless to be closer to my college which is 1.5- 2 hours away by public transportation- but won't be able to afford it til I find another job.

Right now I'm giving one of the girls the silent treatment, which isn't much since I've never really spoken to her anyway, and I have half a mind to take all my shit from the kitchen and let them fend on their own. (Which is petty, but if you're lying about people coming in and stealing shit, then fuck you anyway)

 

[Junkie]

Well that ^^ was an example of course. I realize 4 girls sharing a bathroom would require more cleaning hahaha. Thats gross.

I dunno, I would try more to keep the comments to myself. Her running and crying in the bathroom could've been avoided. I realize you're in a shitty mood, but you didn't have to say it that way even though you're 100% right for feeling that way, especially when it seems like these girls are just looking for excuses to get you into trouble.

And "please don't fuck me up"? Omg :S - so you're coming across as violent now to her? Ahhhhh! That's getting a little out of hand, especially if you aren't. Does she even have any reason to think you'd get physical about this? Or am I reading this wrong?