Is all this hurt worth it?

[HeavenLeiBlu]

The only thing I'd have been indifferent about was the strip club thing, but I understand how inflammatory that had to have been on top of all of his other bullshit.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dahlia_Rayn I understand that it hurts right now, but in the end things will be better. Hope that you feel better soon, and I'm sending hugs your way! Take care girlie and in the end I hope you realize how lucky you are to not be with such an emotionally (and physically) abusive asshole!!

I concur!

 

[kaliraksha]

I'm not going to say anything new to you, but I totally want to reaffirm that nothing is worth abuse- especially physical. He's not worth it, no man is.

I don't feel like you did anything wrong. An adult relationships (to me) is a set of understood boundaries, mutual respect and good communication.

Regarding your attraction to abusive men, many psychologists think that people choose a mate like their opposite sex parent so that they can fix what they saw growing up. So they can resolve their issues with Daddy with a guy that's like Daddy. I'm not saying this is the case with you, and it's not the case with every person... but for your sanity and future safety seeing a therapist would just make you feel better.

You are worth so much more!

 

[SkylarV217]

No relationship is worth this kind of stress. You should feel comfortable in your relationship. There is no situation that hurts you that should be overlooked. These are all major things. If he was a good b/f he would be in tune with your feelings and would be treating you better than this. If I were you I would Say good bye and good reddens.

 

[user79]

Dump him. Now!

Sorry but there are like a bazillion red flags waving high and clear there, and I think you do realize that. Especially with the physical stuff, this could turn into a physically and emotionally abusive relationships. It seems like you are the last person on his list of priorities.

 

[user79]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ndn-ista ALL my past relationships have been abusive. i finally figured i was the problem. thats why in this one, i was like ok-im going to act differently. im not going to nag and bitch, and let some things go. ... but if my whole life its been liek this, its like at sometime i jsut have to settle for what i can get. literally, the last 15-20 guys/relationships i have talked to or been in, has ended like this.

Victims of abuse often think like that: oh, it's me that's causing him to act this way, I'll never find someone better, I don't deserve better because this is all I have ever known.

It sounds like you have some deeper issues that are causing you to be entangled in abusive situations in general. Were you raised in an abusive family? If you grow up with abuse, it's hard to shake the feeling that hey, this is normal, and maybe you don't deserve better so you should just shut up and put up, and settle for a guy who isn't great, but better than something else.

Have you thought about getting some counselling - for yourself - to find out what the real problem is here? It seems to me like there could be other issues that you have with yourself or maybe how you were raised, maybe it would help you gain more feelings of self-worth. Especially as you say almost, or all of your past relationships have been abusive, this is a cycle you need to break. There are definitely places you can go for help and for counselling that can help you get stronger and make better choices in your future.

Hope you get some help with this and wish you all the best! But get out of the relationship you are in please.

 

[Lauren1981]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ndn-ista Hey everyone! Ok, so I hate to put my problems on blast, but i feel sooo stuck. I hope you guys can give me some insight and advice on this one. I've been in immature relationships, but this one I was trying to be mature. Im 24 he just turned 26, so we are two adults. I wanted to do something special for him for his bday, which was 2 weeks ago. I stayed home on a fri night and baked him cupcakes. He told me he was going out for dinner and will try to stop by later to try the cupcakes and i suprised him with cake. He didnt come till 2am. I didnt say anything. Sat, I told him i would be around his neighborhood (it was his bday) and he said he had no plans and see if he wanted to hang out. well, he said last minute his friends dragged him to a club. i was excited and hoping to see him, because we hardly get to see each other, especially be intimate, and it was a special occasion-his bday. i called and called all night, he wasnt picking up. finally around 2am he calls me from the club, and tells me he just got there. i was liek wtf? ok fine his friends dragged him to the club, but why couldnt he just call to tell me at least? am i right or wrong? then sunday, we had plans, i was going to take him out for lunch for his bday. i called him ALL day, waiting for him. no answer. he calls me at 9pm, and said he was sleeping all day because he had a hang over. i was mad, but i let it go and told him that he better make this up to me. i was very hurt, that i kept going out of my way to do something special for HIM and it was only fucking me over. Anyway, so this past weekend he went to canada for a wedding. mind u i still have not seen him. i wanted to see him before he left, but he said he will be busy doing last minute errands. mind u, we live about an hour/hour and half away, so i do understand it is hard. he didnt call me even once while in canada. even though he knew i was going on interviews and was very stressed. he emailed me a few times saying that it was a $1.40 a minute so he wont be able to call. i was like wtf? u cant spend a few dollars to call ur girlfriend, lol? again, i let it go. he came back on tuesday, and came down last night to see me. i was so happy to see him, even though i was still upset of all the last disspointments. him, my best friend and i were talking and he was telling us about his trip and said that they went to the strip clubs and night clubs every night. i raised my eyebrow. again, im trying to remind myself i am in an adult relationship. so i didnt get mad that he went to strip clubs, but i told him i would have at least would have liked to know. it made me feel like i cant trust him even more. like if i was going to a strip club with my girls, i would def jsut tell him or mention it before i go. so we started arguing, and he wanted to leave. i said no! your not going to leave me feeling like shit every time. mind u, i had an interview today. i didnt want to go on the interview with this on my mind. but, he got in his car. i jumped in his car and we were arguing. he called my friend to tell her to get me out of his car. and he said that he was going to break all my teeth and pull me out with my hair otherwise. my friend got scared for me, and tried to get me out. he came out and pushed/pulled me out of the car and raced off. i sat there crying in my friends arms. he texted her "sorry u had to see that. it was nice knowing u and take care" i cried myself to sleep once again because of him, which seems routine now. when i woke up, i saw brusies on my arm. i called my friend and i was like for some reason, i cant recall everything that happened last night. i think soemtimes when i go through stressful events in my life, i block it or erase it from my memory. i told her to tell me exactly what happened last night. it told her i saw bruises on my arm, and she said maybe when he was trying to pull me out of the car. the last few weeks, i have been trying to make it special for him, and trying my best to be a real girlfriend. was i out of line in anything? do i have a right do be mad that he cant call his girlfriend from canada becuase of $1.40? do i have a right to be mad that he went to strip clubs without telling me? dont i have a right about all the things he did to me for HIS bday? we arent together anymore, and i pray to god he stays out of my life. but, im trying to make sense of everything. i canceled my interview today. im trying to be strong but i dont think i could have gone with all this on my mind. please give me advice! thanks.

omg! what a jerk!

i don't believe you were out of line for any of it. you had a valid reason to be mad. probably 90% of women in a relationship like that would feel the same way. i know i would. just in my experience in relationships and my own personal experiences i cannot express how important it is to be open and honest in a relationship. it puts everything out on the table so that both sides can make up their minds about the other and be more in control of their emotions/feelings. there were a lot of red flags that were presented to you that let you know something was up. i'm sorry for you that it had to get physical but i commend you for trusting your instincts. when you have that gut feeling that something is wrong, then it's wrong. obviously i don't know him so i can't say he was up to no good but i DEFINITELY wouldn't put it past him. also, he was out runnin the streets as if he were a single man and that's totally fine if he were single but he wasn't. if that's what he wants then it's a good thing u guys broke up because this would not have changed anytime soon and you'd be WAY more stressed than what you are now. you don't want someone else's actions bring you down like that. he wasn't taking you or your feelings into consideration and that's not what you need.

i hope everything else works out for you with your interviews and thank God he's not there to stress you out anymore.

 

[ndn-ista]

Thanks everyone for your insight and comments. Some of you said that he is not there to stress me out anymore, but honestly, im still stressed. not physically, but mentally and emotionally. i know it will take time, but i dont think i can get over this. becuase it will just fade over time, but im def still stressed. and although, i dont want him in my life again as my boyfriend, i want him to say how sorry he is, feel bad for everything he did. i need that closure u know. i know u guys are thinking its not worth even getting the closure, but its SO much easier said then done. i took a pic of my bruises from my phone and sent it to him, becuase i wanted to remind him of how much he hurt me. i got no reply back, which was expected. but i want him to make him feel liek complete shit and realize how fucked up he was.

 

[ndn-ista]

and u know what i just realized, maybe all this stress is showing on me. all the insecurities and lack of self-confidence is prob coming out during my interviews. maybe thats why i cant land a job. im going in feeling like shit, and prob shows on the other end. i've always been a out-going, bubbly person, but now i just want to rush home where ever i am and stay home. people-i dont even feel like wearing MAKEUP. and i LOVE makeup. oh god, i feel like im starting from scratch all over again.

 

[Beauty Mark]

Closure is a myth. It's very difficult, if not impossible, to get closure. To tell you the truth, if he's a cold hearted bastard, he may never feel bad. And it sucks. He may never apologize. If you go to try to get him to do so, he's probably going to say hateful things towards you.

However, take comfort in knowing people who are like that will never experience true love or happiness. If he continues this line of behavior, he might land his ass in jail.

You need to focus on yourself.

 

[kaliraksha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beauty Mark Closure is a myth. It's very difficult, if not impossible, to get closure. To tell you the truth, if he's a cold hearted bastard, he may never feel bad. And it sucks. He may never apologize. If you go to try to get him to do so, he's probably going to say hateful things towards you. However, take comfort in knowing people who are like that will never experience true love or happiness. If he continues this line of behavior, he might land his ass in jail. You need to focus on yourself.

I think I love everything that comes out of this woman's mouth. I totally agree. Only you can give yourself closure- it's not going to come from anything he said or did.

 

[hr44]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kaliraksha I think I love everything that comes out of this woman's mouth. I totally agree. Only you can give yourself closure- it's not going to come from anything he said or did.

This last statement is SO true. He won't give you what you want. You have to realize it on your own in order to heal.
Trust me on this one.
Jerks don't feel bad for what they did.. it's why they continue doing it. They will always think they are in the right for what they do and you are wrong no matter what you do.

Remember... YOU are beautiful. You are NEVER the cause or reason for abuse.
No one is.

Also if you are having trouble landing a job because of the reasons you stated, like some have said already it is wise to speak to a therapist or psychologist about this issue. Do not think it as a bad thing that you have to see them. See it as something positive and an additional way to help you be fully confident of who you are and the attributes you carry. We can only help you so much on here.

I hope everything goes better for you!

 

[Sexya(TM)?Princess]

Good luck! I have a never-ending story of going 4 the ''bad guys'' so I know how it feels 2 cry urself 2 sleep 5 nights a week.

A strip club ends it forever 4 me though. I find them SO disgusting and disrespectful when your in a relationship.

 

[User93]

Damn hun, i feel your pain. *lots of hugs*
I just saw your topic and read it. There is absolutely noithing you did wrong. Some girls, including me, always tend to think there is something wrong about their behaviour and look for your mistakes.. But anyone would feel just like you in this case. This is rude. This is disrespectful. No one should ever feel it. I only hope you will rehab from this sht really soon and meet a good guy. This one.. hmm i cant even say he is a jerk, i would say he is sick and has anger issues. It doesnt worth it. Let it go.
Dont call him or contact him. Sooner or later, he will realise what he did, Sub consciently still behaviour hurts us so much, the way he made you feel, feel guilty, seel hurted. Everything will be ok, girl. Dont let 1 idiot fck up your mind! Its awful what guys do sometimes :/
MUCH LUV <3

 

[xxManBeaterxx]

I didnt read any posts after your thread but it sucks when you finally want a serious mature relationship this shit happens. A lot of girls get discouraged, become despressed and disheartened when every boy treats them like shit, and even though i dont know you, i dont want you feeling that way ever. But i think next time for atleast 6 months or more you should be cautious and you shouldnt fall head over heels for a boy.. yet... until you know his intentions to be with you are honest and pure. Most guys want pussy.. You know now right away if another guy does this kind of crap, cut all ties with him, its not worth the hurt. If the next guy your with isn't thoughtful, is insensitive, and he doesnt seem to give a crap about your feelings, dump him, dont try to suck up to him by driving to see him or making cupcakes.. I hope your feeling a lot better since this was posted 3 weeks ago.. no more tears for that asshole!!

 

[mahreez]

you seem like an a nice person, you don't deserve someone like him.

if he really cares about you, he should at least call, so as not to keep you waiting. aside from that he shouldn't apologize to your friend that he has to see that...blah blah blah. you mean, he's more concerned with what your friend might think than his own gf?

i think that he's not really not that into you. otherwise he wouldn't act this way. just move on. it's his loss. nobody deserves an asshole like him.

 

[kimmy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by purrtykitty There's no excuse for abuse - physical or emotional...end of story.

word.

automatic fail for that fuckhead. sorry, i know he's your boyfriend...but he just sounds like a complete and utter jerkwad. nobody deserves to be treated like that, especially by their significant other.

 

[ndn-ista]

Thanks everyone for your help and support. It means alot. Well, an update...I started working today and it was my first day of classes for my masters degree! So far, so good!!! Im feeling alot better.