Kinda heavy stuff to deal with... *long*

[metalkitty]

Hi, ladies. I don't post alot here although I frequently look and give thanks daily. Anyhow, there's something I need to deal with and I'm not sure how to go about it exactly and could use some honesty/ help with options....
Basically I think I might have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I hope I don't sound like a hypocontriac but I'm 23 now, I was diagnosed officially with Bipolar disorder when I was around 16 or 17 although I'd been dealing with it for awhile.

Anyhow, I used to be in therapy when I was in my mid teens and I was generally being kinda stupid and melodramatic from feeling isolated for a long time I guess. I even od'ed on meds a couple times since I was miserable and wanted to get away from things.

It all seems so stupid now because when I had just turned 18 my first ex boyfriend and at that time best friend sexually assaulted me. I still feel ridiculous to this day for not seeing it coming, the guy was like dangerous crazy but I promised I'd always be his friend and his dad had just died so I put up with ALOT of mental abuse from him.

After it happened I was in denial about it until one day when I was fighting with my parents and freaking out I blurted it out to my sister and she told them. My parents took me to the hospital for mental help and the nurse told them that if I don't get help things won't get better. My parents are SO weird about sex that they act as if it were a consentual sexual act and not assault.

To this day they act like nothing happened and when I get depressed they just assume that I'm not taking my meds or I'm just being dramatic. My dad even occasionally 'taunts' me about it when I'm going to hang out with a male friend by telling me about my ex bf as if I was stupid enough to forget and pretending to care saying that he doesn't want it to happen again. I know I'm an adult but if he cared he would've at least acknowledged what happened to me and realize how traumatic it is and try to get me help. But no, and he only 'cares' when I'm going to hang out around male friends.

Well, honestly the biggest problems come when a guy tries to date me. I'm usually pretty content but it's like once I get into a relationship things start snowballing out of control my family starts treating me poorly and the guy pretends to care and understand but I know they're angry at me for not being able to trust anyone enough. My last bf acted like he cared and would say how sorry he was but he'd constantly hurt me during sex and pretend to be sorry and keep doing it. After we broke up I told him I was afraid that I was going to be assaulted again, possibly by him because he was acting the same way as the crazy ex and it really seemed like history was going to repeat itself. He said he loved me and he wouldn't do that. I talked to him again a day or two later and he got really angry and seemed to try to 'one up' me by blurting out all of his problems and saying his sister was raped by two guys and had kids by them and I was shocked but stayed calm and tried to talk to him but he hung up and told me to never talk to him again.
He later appologized and I gave him another chance and he fucked up again and I now hate him and don't think he's much better than the crazy first ex. So obviously I don't think I'm going to date for a long long time since I just can't trust anyone and I have bigger problems.
Sorry for the novel, but I think I should get help although I feel okay now I know if I got into a relationship it'd tear me apart again. And I just want to be able to cope with things because I'm turning into a really bitter hateful person. I'm just scared because I don't know how therapy of this sort works and I don't want to have to relive everything again. So if anyone has any advice that can give me the courage to get help that'd help me out alot. It's just a crappy feeling knowing you aren't living but just existing in decay. I'm afraid to post this but I think good might come from it if someone else is dealing with the same issues.

 

[rbella]

Oh geez, that is tough. I'm definitely depressed, but I don't have any past historical events like that which I can relate to. I hope you feel better and find the help you need. There are lots of helpful and sweet ladies on here. HUGS to you.

 

[Beauty Mark]

You most definitely need professional help. I'm sorry that your family seems unsympathetic towards your situation; if I were you, I'd get away from them. You were a victim; it sounds like your father is treating it like it was your fault, which it totally was not.

Even if you're okay now, depression/mental issues are not that simple. A few of my friends were depressed and in counseling, and I had no idea until months later when they told me.

You, in a sense, will probably have to relive what has happened to you. It sounds like you already are, though, and you may as well discuss it with someone who can help you cope better with it.

 

[metalkitty]

Thanks you two! rbella, I hope you don't feel guilty about your depression when you hear other's stories since everyone has their problems. What seems 'small' to one person can mean everything to another and vice versa.
Beauty Mark- I lurk alot and from what I've seen you always give good honest advice to the ladies/ guys on this board. Yeah, I'm going to get professional help regardless I'm just afraid I might not be able to handle the first two visits. But I promised a friend I'd start going so I have to.

 

[Beauty Mark]

A good therapist shouldn't push you further than you can handle... If you are concerned at all about going to a therapist, you should talk to him/her beforehand about your fears.

 

[FullWroth]

From a more blunt perspective, if you've had two separate guys who've behaved in similar, threatening ways, please, please please please take a serious look at what attracts you to this type of guy and how to spot the signs earlier next time, before you get involved. I'll reiterate that being raped was not your fault, and you did not bring it on yourself by hanging around the wrong kind of guy or anything - I'm not even remotely trying to say that here. All I'm sayin' is, if you're noticing a self-created pattern of bad choices in men, you can't control what THEY do, but you CAN learn to identify harmful selection patterns in yourself and change THOSE.

That being said, I agree with everyone else about pretty much everything else. You really need to find a good therapist, and you need to get out of your family's extremely harmful influence (or find a way to make them understand how harmful it is and stop). They may think they're making cute little offhanded comments, but they don't understand that snarky little comments from people you love are the ones that'll really get under your skin in the long run, and combined with depressive tendencies, yeah, your brain's going to dwell on them and not let them go, and it hurts you.

So, that would be my advice, and good luck getting over this. It's easily one of the most traumatic things that can ever happen to a person, so you've got a long road ahead of you.

 

[NutMeg]

I think that there's been some great advice here, and I don't really have anything better than what's already been said. I'd just like to say that I'm so sorry that you have to deal not only with the original rape but with the complete lack of love and compassion from those who should be supporting you. I'm also horrified that you had such a bad experience with your last ex, which probably just reinforces all of your confusion and pain and depression. I know how terrifying it is when you don't understand what's going on inside yourself, when you can't predict your reactions or emotions, and I feel so bad that you have to go through this. Please, don't give up on therapy even if you don't like the first person you talk to. I think you desperately need therapy, so don't give up on it or yourself. Be kind to yourself, and I send you some love.

 

[metalkitty]

FullWroth, you make a very valid and crucial point. I think people get angry at me often and think things are my fault for choosing to associate myself with shady people. The thing is I'm a pretty paranoid person and I have bad trust issues. People know that and it seems like when I finally start to trust someone they stab me in the back. Pretty much every guy I've cared about has done that to me, except one I'm still somewhat friends with.
It's really hard to explain. I know it's my fault to an extent but I always try to be careful who I associate myself with and whatnot. Often I'm not sure if I'm being paranoid/ dramatic or if someone really is showing signs of being a danger. I'm pretty sure I'm not describing things accurately... Basically it's just really hard to tell sometimes if I'm being paranoid because of the past or if someone really is being a douche.
I think I'll save those questions to ask a counselor though. Needless to say I don't want to put myself in a bad situation by dating for a long while.