My sister is heading down the wrong path, advice on how to advise her?

[Boasorte]

Ok this may be a long post but bear with me, cuz I'm at my wits end. I'm trying to get my godsister to see the light, without coming across as rude,and "holier than thou"

So my godsister moves to FL (Florida) to live with her mother, mother introduces her to a guy, turns out he's married. She doesn't care though, continues seeing him, and BAM, she's knocked up. This man already has like a million kids ( no lie I think like 7)

So my godsister, who we shall call "Jill" is pregnant, no job, no man, no nothing. So I convince her to go back to college for the fall semester(this was in the summer btw) Jill, decides to pick some random major, that idk wtf she was thinking about. I told her since she doesn't have a job, go for a certificate program, or something that will enable her to get a job right after graduating, then worry about a B.A or B.S in a few months.

So very randomly Jill moves back to NYC, and I'm like "wtf" weren't u going to start school?" She made up a lie about how her mom wanted to leave FL ( Which I came to find out, she left because someone found her out, and knew the father of her baby was married, so she skipped town, since it was a very small community)

Fast forward to present time, I got her enrolled in yet ANOTHER school, when she "gets in a fight with her grandmother" and all of a sudden moves to Maryland, and says "f**k school that's not an option right now I need a job"
But this girl has zero luck getting jobs, so I keep telling her, that her best option is school for now. She always in love with this married man, getting a tattoo of his name and all this nonsense, calling him constantly, etc. She also complains to me about not having enough money when this guy is sending her $400 bi-weekly, and she blows in on things like weed, designer clothes that her baby DOES NOT need(Burberry, Prada ,etc) nor can she afford

I'm tired of her nonsense and I want her to get on the right path, but her mind is fucked up, and she thinks I judge her ( which I don't) so I want to know how exactly can I tell her get her shit together without making it seem like I'm a know it all?

Ok yea this is a long post but please I need HELP

 

[Goat Goat Etc.]

It sounds like you've done all you can do.
If you're worried about the child please call CPS (Child Protective Services) and have another family member take that child to raise.

I mean you've got her enrolled in this and that and she's not seeing the obvious good all that can do.

You're going to have to let her fall hard--get to the lowest low before she wakes up and realizes she's an adult (with a child) now and that she can't do what she wants to do as freely anymore. She's employed herself a new direction in life and can't halt it or reverse it with irresponsible spending and parenting, and weed.
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You should go as far to show/email her this thread after it's built up a couple comments in a few days. Cause maybe it's emotionally hard to talk about things to her you know? It's hard to articulate yourself in front of a person who's already defensive and makes you emotional if you know what I mean, so it sometimes helps to write it out--literally spell it out.
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[ShortnSassy]

^i completely agree.

you can tell her what's best for her, but ultimately it's her decision to do what's right for her and her baby. i'm already worried for that child - it sounds like your godsister's head is not in the right place and maybe she needs something like a scare of her child being taken away to show her that she needs to change her behavior. if she's pregnant and smoking weed, that is just awful. if i were you, i would call cps.

ultimately what's happening to her is for a reason, there is a lesson she needs to learn and it sounds like it's going to take her awhile to learn it. just know that you're doing all of the right things and think about the baby first.

 

[Honey xOo]

she sounds lazy and immature. people like that who get sent free money will never change IMO. he sends her money for the baby which is the right thing for him to do, but shes not spending it the right way. maybe u can try asking him to stop sending her cash, and send over diapers, formula, physical things the baby needs. then maybe she'll wake up and realize shes not on a free ride for herself anymore. idk if it'd be weird 4 u to call him, but it's worth a try if it will help save the baby and her from a bad future.

babies do not need to be wearing prada, even places like target have the cutest inexpensive baby clothes. her head is really in the wrong place.

 

[LMD84]

it's a tough situation. however i feel that you should sit her down and just tell her that she's going to be a mum, why the heck is she wasting her money on weed and things that aren't nessisary? she needs to grow up fast. perhaps school isn't what she wants right now. and that is fair enough. but equally if she wants a job then she needs to be out looking all the time. maybe you could come up with a job hunt schedule for her? or even point her in the right places to look? even something part time would be better than nothing.

and tell her how lucky she is that the babies dad is giving her some money! has she set up a savings account? maybe she should so she can put it away for the babies future.

i really don't think there is much more you can do hun

but pressuring her into school i doubt would work if she is that set against it

 

[Boasorte]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Goat Goat Etc. It sounds like you've done all you can do. If you're worried about the child please call CPS (Child Protective Services) and have another family member take that child to raise. I mean you've got her enrolled in this and that and she's not seeing the obvious good all that can do. You're going to have to let her fall hard--get to the lowest low before she wakes up and realizes she's an adult (with a child) now and that she can't do what she wants to do as freely anymore. She's employed herself a new direction in life and can't halt it or reverse it with irresponsible spending and parenting, and weed. ------------------------------ You should go as far to show/email her this thread after it's built up a couple comments in a few days. Cause maybe it's emotionally hard to talk about things to her you know? It's hard to articulate yourself in front of a person who's already defensive and makes you emotional if you know what I mean, so it sometimes helps to write it out--literally spell it out. ------------------------------

Thanks so much. I got really offended when she stopped going to school, I mean it was a LOT of effort for me as far as researching schools, costs, finding vouchers for her so she wouldn't have to pay, I mean come on, I'm 20 and she's almost 23, why am I doing shit for her when I have my own problems? Then after all my hard work she gets into a mysterious fight with her grandmother, then just decides to up and leave to another state like she has it like that??

I think I should just keep my mouth shut and just watch her struggle. She's lied about smoking weed told me she quit, which IDK why I believed, I've been trying to get her to stop that nonsense since I was 18 and she was 21.
The only person in her family that will actually take care of the baby will be her mother, but to be honest, her mother isn't the best role model. A HS dropout, working min wage, living with a not so good man. Her father doesn't really want anything to do with her, because "Jill" didn't want to follow daddy's rules, so she left his house.
And the baby can't stay with the father for obvious reasons...
Not doubting the baby isn't loved, but she really needs to get herself together before trying to take care of someone else
Quote:

Originally Posted by Honey xOo she sounds lazy and immature. people like that who get sent free money will never change IMO. he sends her money for the baby which is the right thing for him to do, but shes not spending it the right way. maybe u can try asking him to stop sending her cash, and send over diapers, formula, physical things the baby needs. then maybe she'll wake up and realize shes not on a free ride for herself anymore. idk if it'd be weird 4 u to call him, but it's worth a try if it will help save the baby and her from a bad future. babies do not need to be wearing prada, even places like target have the cutest inexpensive baby clothes. her head is really in the wrong place.

I WISH I knew his #, I would so totally do that, but I have no clue who he is, and I haven't been to FL in years

And I've mentioned to her about going to Target for baby stuff to which she literally replied " Eww what the f**k I look like going to Target? that's for tacky ppl"
it's like she's trying to keep up with the Joneses and not following what's RIGHT

 

[Boasorte]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LMD84 it's a tough situation. however i feel that you should sit her down and just tell her that she's going to be a mum, why the heck is she wasting her money on weed and things that aren't nessisary? she needs to grow up fast. perhaps school isn't what she wants right now. and that is fair enough. but equally if she wants a job then she needs to be out looking all the time. maybe you could come up with a job hunt schedule for her? or even point her in the right places to look? even something part time would be better than nothing. and tell her how lucky she is that the babies dad is giving her some money! has she set up a savings account? maybe she should so she can put it away for the babies future. i really don't think there is much more you can do hun but pressuring her into school i doubt would work if she is that set against it

She told me she has a savings account set up for her college fund, but I didn't ask for details about that, because she's just so all over the place.
I've tried to help her look for work. THing is, this girl is so damn picky about everything, when she's in no position to be. I tried to give her a job in my field , she declines because it doesn't pay enough money, and she doesn't want to "deal with sick old grumpy ppl"
She doesn't want to work retail because she "doesn't lie customers"
She's been looking for office jobs, which are hard to come by here unless you know the right person/have a degree or in school/have a shitload of experience, which she does not.

Oh did I say she was preggo in my original post? The baby's already here, LOL she's about 6 months now this has been going on since the summer

I'm just really confused about her. Her friends bashed her when they found out the baby's father was married, tried to make her get an abortion ( BTW we don't believe in abortions no matter what)
I asked her why didn't she give the baby up for adoption, or have someone in the community care for her until she was able to?
I honestly think she kept the baby to stay closer to this man smh

 

[LMD84]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsWestchesterNY She told me she has a savings account set up for her college fund, but I didn't ask for details about that, because she's just so all over the place. I've tried to help her look for work. THing is, this girl is so damn picky about everything, when she's in no position to be. I tried to give her a job in my field , she declines because it doesn't pay enough money, and she doesn't want to "deal with sick old grumpy ppl" She doesn't want to work retail because she "doesn't lie customers" She's been looking for office jobs, which are hard to come by here unless you know the right person/have a degree or in school/have a shitload of experience, which she does not. Oh did I say she was preggo in my original post? The baby's already here, LOL she's about 6 months now this has been going on since the summer I'm just really confused about her. Her friends bashed her when they found out the baby's father was married, tried to make her get an abortion ( BTW we don't believe in abortions no matter what) I asked her why didn't she give the baby up for adoption, or have someone in the community care for her until she was able to? I honestly think she kept the baby to stay closer to this man smh

sorry i may have mis-read! ah so she now has the baby

i guess you should be thankful that she didn't bow down to peer pressure when her friends told her to get an abortion. but equally she needs to start acting like an adult!!

if she's that picky about jobs then it sounds like she doesn't want to work, do school or anything. just be lazy

and again i don't think you'll be able to snap her out of that easily.

what does she want from her life? like what his her goal? maybe if you find that out you could try and see what she needs to do to achieve it?

 

[Boasorte]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LMD84 sorry i may have mis-read! ah so she now has the baby i guess you should be thankful that she didn't bow down to peer pressure when her friends told her to get an abortion. but equally she needs to start acting like an adult!! if she's that picky about jobs then it sounds like she doesn't want to work, do school or anything. just be lazy and again i don't think you'll be able to snap her out of that easily. what does she want from her life? like what his her goal? maybe if you find that out you could try and see what she needs to do to achieve it?

it varied depending on the semester.
When we first started college together she wanted to do nursing, but dropped out of it( taking the required courses that is, before you can even apply to actual nursing program) because science and math was too hard for her.
then she changed her major to "early childhood education" and stopped that for whatever reason
THEN she said she wanted to be a corrections officer, so changed her major to criminal justice.
And now she wants to be a psychologist -_-

I'm not gonna sit here and say she doesn't have what it takes, because I know a lot of ppl change their minds during college, but come on.

 

[MissCrystal]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsWestchesterNY it varied depending on the semester. When we first started college together she wanted to do nursing, but dropped out of it( taking the required courses that is, before you can even apply to actual nursing program) because science and math was too hard for her. then she changed her major to "early childhood education" and stopped that for whatever reason THEN she said she wanted to be a corrections officer, so changed her major to criminal justice. And now she wants to be a psychologist -_- I'm not gonna sit here and say she doesn't have what it takes, because I know a lot of ppl change their minds during college, but come on.

you have helped her way too much, its obvious she doesn't even appreciate what you are doing for her, so why should you get yourself more stressed out helping some1 who doesn't even care. I knows its going to be hard but at this point she will have to learn the hard way. The only thing you can do is make sure the baby has food/water and a place to sleep at night. But if it comes to a certain point u may have to contact child services if she's busy smoking weed and such.

 

[banana1234]

having a child is a privelidge, not all people can, and she should take it seriously, if not, perhaps child protective services might be a route. if she cant look after the baby when its inside her, what's she going to be like when the baby starts needing her undivided attention 24 hours a day

i'm sure the father of the child would not be happy if he knew she was smoking weed whilst pregnant. neither would any doctor or social worker

 

[yummy411]

i know you prob hate to see people going in the wrong direction, but all you can do is offer your advice. you helped her once doing what you can, but she has to make her own decisions. it's hard to watch, but you cant run yourself into the ground trying to make her do what she doesn't want to do =(

oh i just wanted to say i'm offering this because i tried to help a domestic violence victim. i called a hotline and i cried and poured my heart out thinking they would give me a plan to help this person.. their answer: "there's nothing you can do." i was shocked and bewildered. they said that you can't do anything unless they want the help. they were so right. you can be support and do what you can when necessary, but you can only lead a horse to water... good luck!

 

[Meisje]

It sounds like she's living in a very immature, childlike state and doesn't comprehend the consequences of her actions.

She sounds like she definitely needs some counselling.

 

[Jessica0984]

You have really done all you can do. One of my extended family members sounds a lot like your godsister and I really tried my hardest to help her, when in reality she will have to help herself. As long as she is being enabled by someone she will never change.

 

[kimmy]

i read the original post and only two or three after that, but i know this has been said: you've done all you can.

reading your story, i was reminded of an old friend of mine. we were very close in the years after high school and she told me one day that her mom was kicking her out. she had a great job that her mom got her, so my mom said she could stay with us for a while. i was working at the time as well, but this girl made a TON more than i did since mine was part time and she was full time at a much better hourly rate. she was working for dodge, so she definately had room to move up.

anyway, about two weeks after moving in, she got fired from her job. my mom wouldn't support her, so i paid for everything she or i needed. i barely had money to pay my own bills because she was always eating up all my food so i'd be grocery shopping weekly. she said she was looking for work but i knew she wasn't, so i called around. i set up interviews for her everywhere i could possibly think of including my place of work. i gave my boss my word that she'd be a good employee and she was worth taking a look at for employment.

she skipped out on EVERY interview in spite of the fact that i took her to buy new interview clothes and everything. she was a total leech. she refused to go to school and refused to get a job.

once she went back to her mom's house (which i later found out she wasn't even banished from in the first place) she took to drinking and partying non-stop. she was absolutely out of control. she continued her downward spiral and at nineteen she was arrested for driving under the influence while she was pregnant.

now, i don't associate with her anymore and haven't since long before her DUI conviction, BUT i cut ties because i realized there was nothing more i could do. i offered this girl all the advice i could give or get from anyone, i offered her a place ot stay, i offered her everything. she just took it for granted.

which is what your godsister will do. i understand fully where you're coming from, you're a good woman and you care for this girl but she's an adult and you have to let her fall so she can pick herself up. she's going to have to learn the hard way.