_tiffany
Well-known member
I need advice...and in this case, it's not one of those "I know what to do, I just need confirmation" it really is "I have no idea what is going on". I feel like I need to start off with a little bit about myself, sorry if this becomes a novel - I thank you for reading/giving your input if you do!
I'm 24 and I've only had one boyfriend my entire life and we met when I was 19. My personality is weird, I've never been one of those girls that is dying to be in a relationship or that fawns over guys. I do strange things: I don't contact him first because I want to know that he's the one who wants it initiated, he says he loves me and I don't say anything back because I don't really believe in love, I've ignored him a lot in the past because he's done things that make me mad, I have a tendency to push him away. We've been basically off and on for the years that we've known each other. I have major trust issues and in the first few years, he gave me reasons to be distrustful of him.
We've had a lot of conversations about our relationship and he's said that he wants to be with me forever and I'm always the cynic. A few months ago, we decided to use a different strategy and I agreed to try to not bring up the past and focus on an actual future and he agreed to be more up front and honest about things. Things have been going pretty well, with a few minor fights here and there, but today he texted me and said he was feeling like he's "actually depressed." He's the kind of person that always has something to complain about, but the fact that he said he feels "actually depressed" freaked me out. I asked him what he was depressed about and this is how the texts went:
Him: I don't know I guess I'm feeling better now.
Me: Ummm...ok...I don't know why you say things like that then act like it's no big deal two seconds later.
Him: Either way there is nothing you can do so forget I said it.
Me: Then maybe you should reevaluate why we're even "together" if you feel that way.
Me: I'm serious. If you think you can't talk to me about s___ or you don't want to or whatever, then what are we doing? Make your choice.
Him: I don't have anything to say. I wake up to a bad dream 5 days a week.
Me: That's not what I'm asking you right now. If I'm not someone who can make you feel better, then why bother being with me?
Him: You don't get it.
Me: You're not saying anything for me to get it. Whenever you have a s____y day the first person you go to isn't me so why be with me? Answer my question.
Him: No. Just stop.
Me: Wtf, do you not get that I'm not some object that you can deal with whenever you see fit? You're dealing with a person here and this is important to me for you to answer.
Me: You not responding right now is saying I don't mean s___ to you, so I guess that's my answer.
Him: I got a migraine I'm going home.
Me: Answer what I'm asking you, it doesn't take that much to do that.
Me: you make me feel like s___ and it's no big deal to you and you'll just apologize for it later as if you couldn't avoid the mistake to begin with. The message you are sending is that you don't give a f___ about me and don't want to be with me anyway. So if that's a misunderstanding because of your communication skills, then you better clear that up quickly because I can't be with someone who acts like that and treats me like I mean nothing to them.
[Hours later]
Him: When I say I need time give me time.
Me: You never once said you need time and it's a simple thing to answer. If it's so hard for you then that's the answer right there. I don't understand why you can't just say it.
Him: I feel like s___ and you keep pushing me.
Me: The world doesn't stop because you feel like s___. I'm not you. I have my own life, which you are currently impacting and your decision plays a pretty big part in it and it's basically a yes or no question.
And now he's not saying anything. I guess my texts seem pretty harsh, but when he says he's depressed out of nowhere and won't tell me why - I'm going to assume the worst. I don't get why he refuses to talk to me if it's me that he wants to be with "forever". Don't people want to be with someone who makes them feel better on bad days or when they're feeling down? I know I want to be with someone who is willing to talk to me when they're feeling depressed instead of ignore me until they want to pretend like everything is great again. Am I being selfish and demanding? Or am I right for feeling confused by what he's saying? Since I've been in exactly one relationship, I don't know how to deal with things like this or if this is even normal...ugh.
I'm 24 and I've only had one boyfriend my entire life and we met when I was 19. My personality is weird, I've never been one of those girls that is dying to be in a relationship or that fawns over guys. I do strange things: I don't contact him first because I want to know that he's the one who wants it initiated, he says he loves me and I don't say anything back because I don't really believe in love, I've ignored him a lot in the past because he's done things that make me mad, I have a tendency to push him away. We've been basically off and on for the years that we've known each other. I have major trust issues and in the first few years, he gave me reasons to be distrustful of him.
We've had a lot of conversations about our relationship and he's said that he wants to be with me forever and I'm always the cynic. A few months ago, we decided to use a different strategy and I agreed to try to not bring up the past and focus on an actual future and he agreed to be more up front and honest about things. Things have been going pretty well, with a few minor fights here and there, but today he texted me and said he was feeling like he's "actually depressed." He's the kind of person that always has something to complain about, but the fact that he said he feels "actually depressed" freaked me out. I asked him what he was depressed about and this is how the texts went:
Him: I don't know I guess I'm feeling better now.
Me: Ummm...ok...I don't know why you say things like that then act like it's no big deal two seconds later.
Him: Either way there is nothing you can do so forget I said it.
Me: Then maybe you should reevaluate why we're even "together" if you feel that way.
Me: I'm serious. If you think you can't talk to me about s___ or you don't want to or whatever, then what are we doing? Make your choice.
Him: I don't have anything to say. I wake up to a bad dream 5 days a week.
Me: That's not what I'm asking you right now. If I'm not someone who can make you feel better, then why bother being with me?
Him: You don't get it.
Me: You're not saying anything for me to get it. Whenever you have a s____y day the first person you go to isn't me so why be with me? Answer my question.
Him: No. Just stop.
Me: Wtf, do you not get that I'm not some object that you can deal with whenever you see fit? You're dealing with a person here and this is important to me for you to answer.
Me: You not responding right now is saying I don't mean s___ to you, so I guess that's my answer.
Him: I got a migraine I'm going home.
Me: Answer what I'm asking you, it doesn't take that much to do that.
Me: you make me feel like s___ and it's no big deal to you and you'll just apologize for it later as if you couldn't avoid the mistake to begin with. The message you are sending is that you don't give a f___ about me and don't want to be with me anyway. So if that's a misunderstanding because of your communication skills, then you better clear that up quickly because I can't be with someone who acts like that and treats me like I mean nothing to them.
[Hours later]
Him: When I say I need time give me time.
Me: You never once said you need time and it's a simple thing to answer. If it's so hard for you then that's the answer right there. I don't understand why you can't just say it.
Him: I feel like s___ and you keep pushing me.
Me: The world doesn't stop because you feel like s___. I'm not you. I have my own life, which you are currently impacting and your decision plays a pretty big part in it and it's basically a yes or no question.