Opinions on hostess gift for a shower: to give or not to give

[euphrosyne_rose]

Let me start off by saying that I know wedding etiquette isn't quite what it used to be. I also know that in some aspects, the wedding phenomenon tends to get way out of hand with some people. I'm a believer in doing what's right for your or your wedding or your situation and not worrying over fussy etiquette rules. Now, of course the usual things like having the groomsmen walk the bridesmaids down the aisle and all that is pretty standard.

Here's a little background. I'm the MOH for my best friend and I live in Louisiana. There are 2 other bridesmaids. The bride lives in NY but is having the wedding here b/c she is from here. The other 2 bridesmaids are in Denver and Houston. Obviously this means that at least our Denver girl will have to fly here for both the shower and the wedding. The Houston girl will be driving since it's only about a 4 hour drive. I've been married before (I'm divorced now and have been for 8 years. I'm 31 btw) but I've never been "in" a wedding, so I'm a little lost on the things you should do but I've been making use of the internet to help me along. This one issue, though, I just don't know what to do.

The other bridesmaids and I along with the bride's mother and aunt are hosting her bridal shower in October. We've got everything pretty much decided on and worked out in regards to location, food, games, etc. We will also be paying the balance on our dresses the weekend of the shower and picking out our shoes since we will all be here together. We have all agreed to keep receipts for whatever we spend for the shower and divide it all between us at the end. The bride's mother emailed us all last night to ask what we wanted to do about a hostess gift and if we wanted to do our own gifts or if we wanted to pool our money and get a gift together. I have never heard of getting the bride a "hostess" gift and frankly, I feel that with all the money I've spent and will be spending that I can't really afford to get a hostess gift on top of that and the wedding present. I also think this is a little much to ask of the 2 out of town bridesmaids as their expenses will be more than mine with airfare and gas. The Denver bridesmaid had already told me she felt like us throwing the shower and having to buy the dresses and such could be considered our gift and told me she's been in multiple weddings where this was considered acceptable. She emailed the bride's mother back and told her exactly that. She told her as well that she just didn't think she could contribute to a gift. I agree with her and I had already planned on going in on a wedding gift with our other best friend.

I know some people think that if you can't handle the expenses of being in a wedding you should say no and I agree with that but I also have the stance that I hadn't heard of or didn't know anything about a "hostess" gift and when it's your best friend asking you to be MOH, you can't exactly say no. I was prepared for having the get the dress and help throw the shower and bachelorette party but I feel like a gift on top of everything else is just more than I can handle. Is it really that common for the hostesses to give the bride a gift? A few people told me that it's the BRIDE who is supposed to give the hostesses a gift. I'm just torn on what to do.

Suggestions? Insight? Advice?

 

[Makeup Emporium]

My feeling is that is you are hosting the shower and paying towards it then it is certainly not necessary to give a gift on top of that. My MOH threw me an engagement party and paid for all the food and I certainly did not expect her to get me a gift on top of that. Her throwing me the party was more than gift enough!

My shower was thrown by my step-mother who paid for everything. So my MOH got me a gift for that as she was not paying for it. Keep in mind that my engagement party and shower were a year apart so it's not like she hosted the engagement party and then gave me a shower gift all around the same time.

I also paid for all of the girls' dresses. They only had to have black shoes and a purse (which everyone has anyway) so they did not have the extra expense of having to pay for dresses (which cost me $250 each for 3 girls).

Stick to your guns and just say you can't. Paying for part of the shower, your dress and a wedding gift is more than enough expense!!

HTH and Good Luck!

 

[RaynelleM]

A hostess gift is a gift given to the person/people who organized and are hosting the event.

For example, a couple of my friends are planning a baby shower for me next month and I plan on getting them each a gift to show my appreciation. So, in your case I would think the bride should be giving you a hostess gift for all your hard work, not the other way around.

 

[n_c]

Nah, you are already spending enough as is.

 

[abbyquack]

Argh I get so annoyed with the whole wedding stuff sometimes. I hear all these horror stories about how out of control it can all get about expectations of the bridal party and such. And it's for one day of your life that will be over in a snap! I don't agree with the notion that if you can't afford to be in the bridal party then don't be in it- I mean yes, I think it is completely reasonable to expect the bridesmaids to pay for their dresses and transportation. But I don't think bridesmaids should end up spending $1000 to participate either.

As for your situation, I think the best answer is that this "hostess" gift should be decided individually by each member of the bridal party- if one girl wishes to get the bride a gift, great! She can pay for it and prepare it on her own. If another girl chooses to not get one, great! Regardless, it should definitely not be mandated by the mother. And if she doesn't understand how unreasonable that all is, then that is her problem. And you have clearly spent enough, so I don't think you should be expected to spend any more than you have.

 

[KimmyAnn_678]

I'm confused. By "hostess gift" are you referring to a second gift for the bride? Or are you saying that the bridesmaids are not getting the bride and groom any gift at all for their shower?

Truthfully, I have never ever heard of the bridal party not getting the bride a shower gift even after they have planned and paid for the shower. Whether, we've grouped together a gotten a large gift (like a grill), each purchased our own gifts, or made items (like a finished scrapbook of the couple), in all the weddings/showers I've been to/been in, the bridal party has always gotten the bride and groom a shower gift. I know people would think it was strange if they were at a shower and during the gift opening they was a decided absence of gifts from the bridal party.

Maybe it's just my region of the country?? It's also quite common to just give money at the wedding here and not even bother with non-cash gifts except for at the shower, and I know in some parts of the country that some people think money gifts are declasse.

The last wedding I was in, we did something similar with expenses for the shower. Some BM's were in town, some from a few hours away, some flew the whole way across the country. We all were in charge of different things for the shower (BM's in town did more actual work because we were there), but split expenses. We all contributed and got the couple a grill as a gift.

Personally (just personally) I would feel bad not getting the new couple anything at all. Whether it was just a small gift card to where ever their registry is or something I made myself (I've also hand etched the champagne glasses and votive holders for the wedding and shower before) I just personally love giving gifts.

And that is not to say that these weddings were not a burden financially though. I saved for months and months to be able to afford everything, but it was worth it for my friend. But when the next friend got married and didn't have enough room for me in the bridal party, I didn't mind at all LOL.

abbyquack has it right though. How tacky for the mother to try to require a gift. You girls should get together on your own and decide for yourselves. Whether everyone chips in $10 for a gift card, or do individual gifts and some people do no gift at all. That's your own decision.

 

[euphrosyne_rose]

Quote:

Originally Posted by KimmyAnn_678 I'm confused. By "hostess gift" are you referring to a second gift for the bride? Or are you saying that the bridesmaids are not getting the bride and groom any gift at all for their shower? Truthfully, I have never ever heard of the bridal party not getting the bride a shower gift even after they have planned and paid for the shower. Whether, we've grouped together a gotten a large gift (like a grill), each purchased our own gifts, or made items (like a finished scrapbook of the couple), in all the weddings/showers I've been to/been in, the bridal party has always gotten the bride and groom a shower gift. I know people would think it was strange if they were at a shower and during the gift opening they was a decided absence of gifts from the bridal party. Maybe it's just my region of the country?? It's also quite common to just give money at the wedding here and not even bother with non-cash gifts except for at the shower, and I know in some parts of the country that some people think money gifts are declasse. The last wedding I was in, we did something similar with expenses for the shower. Some BM's were in town, some from a few hours away, some flew the whole way across the country. We all were in charge of different things for the shower (BM's in town did more actual work because we were there), but split expenses. We all contributed and got the couple a grill as a gift. Personally (just personally) I would feel bad not getting the new couple anything at all. Whether it was just a small gift card to where ever their registry is or something I made myself (I've also hand etched the champagne glasses and votive holders for the wedding and shower before) I just personally love giving gifts. And that is not to say that these weddings were not a burden financially though. I saved for months and months to be able to afford everything, but it was worth it for my friend. But when the next friend got married and didn't have enough room for me in the bridal party, I didn't mind at all LOL. abbyquack has it right though. How tacky for the mother to try to require a gift. You girls should get together on your own and decide for yourselves. Whether everyone chips in $10 for a gift card, or do individual gifts and some people do no gift at all. That's your own decision.

From what I understand, this is meant to be a gift from all of us hostessing the shower ON TOP OF what we may have already planned on giving. I had planned on getting the bride a gift from her registry and had even talked with another friend who asked about going in on it together but have gotten mixed feedback on when to give this gift. The bride's mother's words in the email were "hostess gift" and then proceeded to ask if we all wanted to get together to put in for it or each get her a gift separately. She even mentioned that her sister said (the bride's aunt who is also helping with the shower) that the mother shouldn't put in for it since she would be getting them gifts from their registry anyway. The whole thing confuses me.

The bottom line is that since I'm already planning on getting her a gift, I don't feel like I should have to give money for yet ANOTHER gift on top of that and the other expenses. Also, I know the mother of the bride is a special circumstance with regards to importance and gifts, etc but I agree with the Denver bridesmaid that if we are hostessing the shower and the bachelorette party, then why do we need to give a gift on TOP of that?