Sad about boyfriend

[evilpoptart]

So I have been officially with my bf for almost 2 years now, although we have been more than friends for 3 years. Things have had ups and downs, as most relationships do. The problem is that I feel like I have no power, that I'm taken for granted, and basically treated poorly when he is stressed out about anything. We rarely argue, but when we do he frames arguements like this

"You do -------, I don't like -------, I don't know if I can be with someone who does -----". We've had about 6 of these talks, things that have come up have been "you're too negative (4 months after my mom died), you're too needy (the first christmas without my mom when I was upset that he didn't come see me over an entire week), you don't cook (both of us are in med school and really busy), you don't support me (said to me because I planned a vacation for him and I before we started studying for a test....then he blamed me for not making him start studying sooner), and the real kicker "I don't know if I can be with someone who has to go to therapy".
I've been seeing a therapist for the past three months dealing with my mom's death and stress over making a career decision.

Anyway, the last blow about me being in therapy was two weeks ago. Since then, I have been pretty down. I'm starting to doubt myself. I've been there for him, and always put him before myself. I don't nag, I do everything he asks of me, I clean, I started cooking. But it's never enough and I just am tired. We are both interviewing for residency positions and he has an interview tomorrow. I had interviews this weekend out of state and told him I wanted to go on a date when I came back- a sat night. Which I thought was no prob. Well I called him yesterday and he ignored my call for over two hours. When I did talk to him he told me had been watching tv, and then told me he had to go home to his mom. Yes, he has to go home to his mom. He and I are both 26 and for the past two years I have been dealing with him and his mom. His parents divorced three years ago and he has to take over the role of his dad for her basically. I was disappointed and he was defensive, unapologetic, and even when we did work it out he kept making dig jokes at me about plans and hanging out.

So I cried a lot last night and this morning. He didn't call me until 3 pm today and I wasn't my normal chipper self on the phone. He noticed of course and started asking what was wrong. However, I knew not to say anything because he would be mad if I stressed him out before his interview. So I said nothing. Five minutes later he asked again. I told him not to worry, I didn't want to upset him and to please stop asking me if I was upset. Then it just escalated into something really nasty. He got mad at me, and told me he couldn't beleive I was doing this crazy stuff to him before his interview. He started telling me he wished he hadn't called me, told me I should have thought about making him happy before opening my mouth. When I cried and said sorry, I love you he just replied "Oh that's supposed to make me feel better?" When I asked what was wrong and what I did that was so terrible he said "Are you kidding me? Swallow your pride. You should be doing whatever you can to make me feel better right now, you should be trying to fix this."

I eventually just gave up and said goodbye, but I know tomorrow is not going to be good. He's already accusing me of ruining his interview before having it. I'm just so tired of feeling like no matter what I do, it's never enough.

 

[iadoremac]

I usually dont give people this kind of advice but seriously enough is enough you need to dump him, he's too self centered and he doesnt love you. Get rid of him pronto! relationships are not supposed to hurt

 

[Mabelle]

Sorry to sound blunt, but you need to break up with the insenstive asshole.
Find someone who will support you, and apriciate how thoughtful and selfless you seem to be. Or at least someone with some kind of redeeming qualities, which he seems to lack 100%

ask youself this, is he making your life better? Or is he only brining you heartache.

 

[LMD84]

yeah you need to dump this guy. seriously not everything is your fault. you don't affect the way he feels that much. he needs to take responcibility for his own emotions and also be less selfish sorry sweetie but i really think this guy is dragging you down.

 

[evilpoptart]

Thanks everyone, you're all right. It's so hard for me to let go because I am used to working and giving my all. I really feel in this relationship I did so much, I put my best effort forward and to be told I'm not good enough, well it hurts. I really thought in the good moments, he was the one. We just get each other in those moments. But then it always turns, something shifts and a fight occurs over almost nothing. In July we were preparing for an examination that we had over five weeks to study, most study four weeks for it. I asked him to go up north michigan and to Chicago with me for 5 days. He wholeheartedly agreed and we had a great time. However, when we got back I asked that we see each other on 4th of July since I was going out of town again and he got really mad that I "demanded" to see him that day. We got into a strange talk where both of us are basically uncomfortable and know the other person is too, we say "what" to each other and no one is really talking (like last night) and then he exploded. He was storming around his house dropping f bombs at me, saying hurtful things to me about our past, taunting me about marriage, and he wouldn't let me leave claiming I was trying to make myself a victim and make him rescue me. After all that he was adamant that I was in the wrong for distracting him from starting to study earlier, and I should have had his best interest in heart. I shouldn't have offered him to go on those vacations with me, because he felt too bad to say no to me. This arguement continued for almost a week. Even with absolute logic on my part, and him admitting all of my points were logical, he still continued to tell me he was hurt by me because I once again failed to support him in something important.

I have a feeling I'm in for the same thing today. I would love to just ignore him, but without resolution it is difficult at this point for me to even go to work. I have so much anxiety over this stuff. Because even though I am certain I didn't do anything bad, I know logic doesn't work with him. He will insist I committed some grave error by getting him upset the night before an interview. No matter that I said nothing mean to him, no matter that I didn't yell, no matter that all I said was that I didn't want him to be upset with me and that I loved him and wanted him to do well.

 

[Cydonian]

Oh, honey... I didn't even read the entire thing but I need to respond. You need to get out of this relationship. He is emotionally abusing you whether you want to admit it or not! The lack of support with you being in therapy is scary. He seems to have a total lack of respect for your feelings. I would urge you to end it before he brings you down any further... you will be worse for a while but you will get over him and move on. I hope you can find someone that treats you with the respect you deserve. You don't have to take this.

We are all here for you!!

 

[JULIA]

I'm just going to repeat what everyone else is saying. Get rid of him!

 

[banana1234]

he is emotionally abusing you.


what arsehole has a go about you being sad because your mum died? what a twat!


if you must stay with him, start standing up for yourself, when he says stuff about 'i dont know if i can be with a girl who's in therapy' say 'i dont know if i can be with a bloke who doesnt care about anyone but himself'. don't let him get away with it! stand up for yourself!!

dump him if you feel you can, you will find a man who can treat you right in no time, you sound like a LOVELY girl and a wonderful, understanding girlfriend. i strongly urge you to summon the courage to kick him to the curb and free yourself for a better life, i'm pretty sure you will start to not need therapy so much once you have cut this massive arse wipe out of your life.

leave him to go cry to his mum, sounds like they deserve each other

talk to a girl friend, start seeing your friends more often, they can be very supportive when they know what you are feeling. boyfriends come and go, girl friends are (usually) here to stay!

 

[MissPanther]

I've been in a abusive relationship like this before, so I can really relate to you. I drew the line when he started to hit me. You don't deserve to be with someone who will basically tell you "You must tend to my every need". This is an important time in your life, and what you need is TRUE emotional support. Not some guy who tells you to pretty much grow up because you're crying over the loss of your mom.

You CAN try and talk to him. It's possible that he may change. However, is it likely? Think about it: After three years of being with him, he still hasn't changed. The one thing that he will NEVER understand is how immature he's being. To be honest? I don't wish him well on this interview. He doesn't have what it takes to be a doctor. A doctor needs to be able to show compassion to his/her patients, and if he can't even show compassion to you? Then he's a worthless doctor. You can do multiple things. You could show him this thread, and what people think of his childishness. You can break up with him. But at the very least, look at yourself and understand: when will you draw the line?

What must happen for you to say "enough"? Does he want you or his mom? He can SAY "You're being a bad girlfriend for making me choose", but when it comes down to it? What's more important to him: his future or his past?

 

[Nzsallyb]

this is definite emotional abuse! this is pretty much the exact mirror image of my relationship with my ex. even though it will hurt to step up and break it off with him, you just gotta take a breath and do it. trust me, there are way better guys out there!

until you leave this arse, you dont have any idea how bad the relationship was. he is taking you for granted, and he is no way in hell worth it!

feel free to pm me if you like sweetie, but you gotta get out of it for your own health more than anything xx

 

[User38]

life is way too short to waste on being hurt or being involved with bad relationships.

dump him. have a party and move on -- enjoy life and live happy

 

[kc8]

How is everything with you? I can totally relate to your situation and I can tell you that you don't need anyone in your life boyfriend or not to give you anything less than their 100% love and support. That is not called love. He totally takes you for granted and you should not put up with it. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with your mother's passing but I'm glad that you are seeing a therapist to deal with that. Topped with school and interviews I'm sure you probably feel overwhelmed at times. Hopefully you can get away from this person and focus on yourself. On healing and moving forward in life. I agree that life is too short. The older you get the faster it goes. Please take care of yourself first. There's no need to be with anyone who will put you down and feel any less of yourself. People like him have low self esteem and put others down to make themselves feel good. Hopefully you can remove yourself from this relationship and put all of your energies in yourself and not have to worry about his negativity.

 

[evilpoptart]

Thank you all so much for the kindness. I need to listen and get it through my heart that you are all right, just as my gut has been telling me, and remove myself from the siituation. Hopefully his recent acts of unkindness during the holidays will give me the final motivation I need to do so. MissPanther I'm really sorry to hear that you went through that, thank you for sharing your concern with me. You make more than valid points also about the fact that he is choosing his mom and past over me. If that isn't enough then I don't know what is.

Thanks again to all of you

 

[Meisje]

He`s such a dick. Dumping him is definitely the right thing.

*hug*