*Slightly* Worried about Porn and Husband

[abbyquack]

So I remember there was a thread about porn on here but I can't really find it...but anyways, here's my situation:

My husband is amazing, we have a great relationship. Recently he told me that sometimes he watches porn to get him in the mood or in his private time. I don't really care, I'm totally fine with it when it's just a little bit, and I admit to masturbating occasionally myself, so I am not offended that he does too.

However, the other night, we were about to get it on, and I walk in the living room to find him and he's watching some porn to get it up before sex! I was like umm ok, and I watched a little with him. But I was secretly kind of alarmed that he needed it to get aroused, and that I wasn't enough.

I am worried that if he continues looking at it, these women with huge ass boobs and perfectly trimmed vajayjays (but who admittedly are also kind of trashtastic), that I won't be enough for him and he's going to branch out to other things. This alarm is heightened because A) I read an article in the new Glamour about the dangers of porn (i bought the issue b/c I wanted to read what it had to say about porn since I'm not very knowledgeable about it and it actually was a fairly negative article), and B) his older brother recently almost got divorced b/c he is not only addicted to porn but was reaching out to women over the internet and planning on meeting up w/ one of them.

It just kind of bothers me b/c would my husband be okay if I was looking at naked men and getting all aroused? Is he fantasizing about a porn star when we're getting it on? At this point, with what little evidence I have I'm "ok" but I just don't ever want it to escalate to an uncontrolable addiction- because once porn doesn't cut it, is he going to hire a prostitute? Is he going to cheat on me? I mean it's maybe unlikely but I'm all hyped up nonetheless. And I wish I could talk to him and express my true feelings but I'm afraid if I say something he won't confide in me anymore, as it took him a good couple years to admit this to me, so I'd rather him be able to talk to me about anything than live a secret life, ya know?

Any advice? Sorry that this is long and probably TMI.

 

[chocolategoddes]

If you two are in a great relationship, like you say, you shouldn't worry about not being enough for him. Guys are going to watch porn for their entertainment and sometimes after they watch a lot of porn, they need a bit more than a beautiful, naked woman to turn them on anymore.
I think it was "comedian" Adam Carolla (or w/e?) who said back when he was a kid, just the flash of a girls pantied could have him going for weeks and now he's seen so much porn that the needs much more than that to get off.
If you think your hubby is getting bored with you, maybe it's time to spice things up a bit and try something new that can be fun for the both of you.
That way, the only thing that'll be on his mind is all the hot sex he's having with his wife!

But also, talk to him about it and let him know your concerns.

 

[ImMACnificent]

First, I want to say thanks for sharing such a personal story with us. That is very brave. PLUS, not a lot of girls admit they masturbate, but hey, MOST if not all do, right?!

I think as women we have it embedded in us to be able to switch on that jealousy gear pretty easily. I mean, yeah some of those broads in porn ARE hot, but we wonder...."does he want me to look like that?!" or "wow wonder what he thinks of me when he sees her body compared to mine!".
I know I have wondered that before.

I could see myself getting a bit upset about that, wondering if I'm not "enough" to get my man aroused.

It definitely doesn't sound like any true 'addiction' (unless it got to the point of being in debt because of ordering/buying it, or him not doing daily activities because of it, which doesn't sound like that!). However, I could see how scary it would be knowing what happened to his brother. I would say that you shouldn't worry TOO much about it at this point, but definitely don't let it slide or push it to the back of your mind, because it sounds like there is a possibility that addiction runs in his family, maybe not a SPECIFIC addiction, but it sounds like maybe he is curious about what his brother liked so much about it? There are so many "IFS" and "MAYBES", ya know?

I think more than anything before going to the length of saying anything, just sort of take mental notes. How much do you see him watching it? Do you think it's excessive? Is it not doing other things because of it? Is he doing it EVERY time you guys are going to have sex? Does he "have" to watch it or hear it during sex?

The most important thing is how you FEEL about it, maybe he's not actually 'addicted' to it, but you are feeling insecure because of it, and you are his girlfriend and he should care how you feel---bottom line.

I think you should definitely do some more looking into it, but I still think that you should at least tell him that you feel insecure because of it. It doesn't need to be an 'intervention' for him, but more a communication about how you are feeling as a result. That's important.

Good luck, sugar <3

 

[NutMeg]

I really think you need to talk with him about it. If it's bothering you you need to be able to bring it up. If you have a great relationship it shouldn't be a big deal to have a loving and rational conversation about it. What kinds of rules do you guys have about sensitive topics? My boyfriend and I have a sort of "safe space" policy, so that neither one of us gets judged for bringing up personal or sensitive things.

 

[Beauty Mark]

Talk to him! I would honestly be upset too if I were sleeping with someone who needed porn to get aroused. I kind of doubt he's addicted or going to seek other outlets.

When you do talk to him, I wouldn't make it a bunch of accusations, just general curiosity or concerns. I wouldn't be with someone I couldn't ask about these things.

 

[leenybeeny]

If it is really bothering you, tell him how it makes you feel. Don't be accusatory.. just let him know it is making you feel insecure. Maybe there are some things in the movies he is watching that he is to shy to ask you to share with him sexually? I know that for me, my hubby sees me as so sweet and innocent that he wouldn't even think of asking me to get nastayyy

I have to instigate anything like that. Maybe talk more about your fantasies and start introducing more variety *hugs* I know it's hard when you feel like you are competing with women who don't even represent REAL.

 

[abbyquack]

Quote:

Originally Posted by NutMeg I really think you need to talk with him about it. If it's bothering you you nee What kinds of rules do you guys have about sensitive topics? My boyfriend and I have a sort of "safe space" policy, so that neither one of us gets judged for bringing up personal or sensitive things.

We are pretty open about things, or at least I feel that we are. He acted a little awkward and embarrassed about the porn, but I told him straight up not be embarrassed and not to feel like he can't talk to me about it. We talk about everything else it seems, so we should be able to deal with this. I know you all are right- I do need to talk to him about it, but what if he thinks I disapprove and then stops confiding in me? I don't want to lose his trust or make him feel like I'm judging him.

Is there anything that would make a girl feel better about porn in general? Because I don't really like it and would prefer he not ever look at it, but I also don't want to forbid it b/c then he'll want what he can't have even more. I just want to be able to tolerate it, if I can't fully embrace it.

 

[FWBChick]

Quote:

Originally Posted by abbyquack And I wish I could talk to him and express my true feelings but I'm afraid if I say something he won't confide in me anymore, as it took him a good couple years to admit this to me, so I'd rather him be able to talk to me about anything than live a secret life, ya know?

ok, so my question is: How can you not tell him how you feel and talk to HIM, and expect him to be able to talk to YOU about anything? Kind of a double standard don't you think?

You need to talk to him about how you're feeling. It's not fair to you or him to hide that.

 

[abbyquack]

^^ That is a really good point, thanks. I agree, I need to talk to him about it (he's on a business trip this week so I'll have to wait) but hopefully he will realize that if I can get up the nerve to talk to him, he can talk to me. It's so weird, my husband and I talk about EVERYTHING, we are like two peas in a pod, so I too have a hard time thinking I couldn't talk to him about this. I bet when I do he will be totally good and willing to talk about it.

 

[NutMeg]

Whenever I feel like I need to bring up something that scares me, and I feel like I won't be able to get the nerve to do it, I just say "I need to talk to you about something." Then I can't back down, but if it's obvious I'm uncomfortable or having a hard time my bf will let me take things at my own pace. It's usually way easier to blurt that out than the whole story.

 

[MissResha]

i'm so desensitized by porn lol. i used to run a porn site (no i wasnt a porn star) but it was just an affiliate program kinda thing to make extra money, and it pays!

my ex and i were into that, he still does it. thats how he makes his living.

i dunno, if it bothers you then pls talk to him about it. but hell, men are visual creatures. they just want to see tittybags, and asscheeks, and slurping and swallowing. that gets them excited. i wouldn't take it personally if i were you.

hell, spice things up and re-enact something you saw in a porno. that would drive him up a fking wall

 

[abbey_08]

atleast he told you about it. he hasnt got all addicted yet and hes probably been watching it for years so the chances are he wont get addicted while hes being open and honest about it. encourage him to be open about it and watch it together. the more he feels like its "dirty" or should be kept secret then the more hel look behind your back.

i think a bit of porn is good but i do understand its not for everyone!

also if u think its because theres something missing from your sex then ask him if he wants to try something new or even go to a nice hotel for the night/weekend where he cant look at porn and neither of u have distractions!


oh and i have to add - men do realise the difference between porn sex and real sex. to a man they are two seperate things like missresha said men are more visual than women. their imaginations probably got fried from looking at porn as a teenager!

 

[BeccalovesMAC]

Thank you for sharing. I know that certain subjects can be a little embarrassing to talk about . I understand where you are coming. I don't think it will be a problem. If he was addicted, he would have brought it up a long time ago. I try to tell my self over and over that men are just pervs and not to take it personal. But their actions can be very, very hurtful. Then they wonder why some females have low self esteem and eating disorders.

 

[wittynickname]

I would not worry too much. If you are in a loving relationship, his 'hobby' should not make a difference one way or another. I wonder how anyone can become addicted to porn anyway. If anything, it's just easier to become desensitized to the writhing piles of flesh.

If he were into misogynist and/or racist themed porno, then I would be concerned.

 

[Meisje]

First of all --- don't worry about what he's fantasizing about, and don't ask him unless you are discussing a fantasy you want to fulfill for him. You have to be secure in the fact that he loves you, and part of that is allowing him to have private thoughts. We're all entitled to them. Being open and honest doesn't include the loss of all right to privacy.

Does he HAVE to watch it before you have sex, or does he just do it occasionally? If he can't get it up without the porn, I would consider that a problem.

Porn also becomes a problem when it blurs boundaries for men. Some slide from watching online porn to chatting to exchanging sexual photos with actual women online --- and some can't perceive a difference there. The internet makes it very easy to access porn and willing cheating partners --- you have to be clear with your mate that you still expect him to respect the boundaries of your relationship.

 

[merrymelody]

I can imagine men getting a chuckle from this thread. A woman feeling jealous of her husband's interest in porn is akin to a man feeling jealous because his wife is reading a romance novel. You know, the romance novels featuring a shirtless stud with long flowing locks.

As long as the guy can tell the difference between fantasy and reality, and has more interests in life than pornography, I'd be okay with it. And let's be honest, we are all sexually aroused in one way or another. We all think about other people when we're having sex.

 

[Funtabulous]

I honestly don't think of other people when I am having sex. Is it really that unusual?

I think a little bit of pornography is ok, but to be honest what is described in the OP is quite worrisome. If my bf had to look at it to 'get in the mood' I'd have a huge problem. I think once it stats to intrude on your sex life, it's gotten a bit out of hand. I think in that case he might be relying on it too much, and it would be better to cut back so he will learn to appreciate the real thing more.

I've never actually dealt with this problem. My boyfriend and I do not live together, and we employ a "don't ask, don't tell" rule when it comes to pornography. During the times when we are not together, theoretically it is ok for one or the other to look at it, but I certainly would not want to hear about it. I never read romance novels, but I admit I have looked at pornography! I think more women do than are willing to admit it. So long as we have a good sex life, I really don't see the harm.

I actually have never met a guy who gave a crap about women reading romance novels, or even looking at pornography. I think a more apt comparison would be women using vibrators. Men are more insecure with their penises than anything else it seems, and also with satisfying a woman. I know of a lot of men who are threatened by vibrators. I know my bf was somewhat uncomfortable with the idea at first.

I think guys who prefer pornography over a women probably have intimacy issues, and the pornography isn't really the cause of that problem, though I'd imagine it would exacerbate it. I can't imagine a man truly preferring to be alone with his hand and a computer over being with a real life woman, so I am not particularly threatened by it in that way. I do however not want to hear about it because like any woman I can get insecure and jealous and don't feel I can compare to the women in pornography, physically speaking.

 

[MissPanther]

I'm not sure if this is appropriate but... I was on the forums with my boyfriend beside me today, and he really wanted to reply to this. So here it is:

"There's nothing wrong with asking for loyalty from your boyfriend. I'm in the Canadian Military and I recently went away for my BMQ (boot camp) this summer. Before I left, my girlfriend whom I had been dating for 2 years asked if she could borrow my laptop while I was gone and use it. I said yeah sure, I have nothing to hide. The day I left, she went on and, thinking of leaving me a cute scavenger hunt on it, she was looking for places to hide pictures of herself.

As she was looking, she found some pictures I had saved of some girls that I had been attracted to earlier, and her thoughts were 'Oh, there's only a few of these.' No. There were more. She found those pictures in folders, and found some bookmarks to some porn videos I had saved on there. Before this, I told her I'd never look at porn again, and was actually starting to get upset that she watched porn before while we were dating. I had also said that I only ever thought of her as attractive, and only her as sexy. After she found those, she just kept thinking that I was a liar. That I had been playing with her feelings. She had to go to a therapist after that. The first one just kept hitting on her (not going to mention any names) and the second one didn't help much. I was able to call her and talk to her while I was at boot camp and reassure her that that will never happen again (which it hasn't) and that I truly only find her attractive (which I do).

Anyway, whenever I think of porn now, I think 'Why would I basically want to invite some random strangers into my house and have sex on my bed to get off on.' Because basically, that's what porn is. It's videos of people having sex strictly for the purpose of getting other people off.

I will never look at porn again, nor will I ever find anyone other than my girlfriend attractive. This I promised to her at boot camp and my thought process has never changed since then."

That's what he said Something that I'm not afraid to admit is that I'm NOT okay with porn. I'm NOT okay with any significant other of mine looking at porn, and in my view I think: If my boyfriend gets mad at me for looking at porn (which I did quite avidly in the past), why should I be okay with him looking at porn? I would suggest talking to him about it, tell him about how you really feel about it and get his input. Definitely talk it over with him

 

[Cydonian]

Word. That's all I gotta say.

As she was looking, she found some pictures I had saved of some girls that I had been attracted to earlier, and her thoughts were 'Oh, there's only a few of these.' No. There were more. She found those pictures in folders, and found some bookmarks to some porn videos I had saved on there. Before this, I told her I'd never look at porn again, and was actually starting to get upset that she watched porn before while we were dating. I had also said that I only ever thought of her as attractive, and only her as sexy. After she found those, she just kept thinking that I was a liar. That I had been playing with her feelings. She had to go to a therapist after that. The first one just kept hitting on her (not going to mention any names) and the second one didn't help much. I was able to call her and talk to her while I was at boot camp and reassure her that that will never happen again (which it hasn't) and that I truly only find her attractive (which I do).
Anyway, whenever I think of porn now, I think 'Why would I basically want to invite some random strangers into my house and have sex on my bed to get off on.' Because basically, that's what porn is. It's videos of people having sex strictly for the purpose of getting other people off.

I will never look at porn again, nor will I ever find anyone other than my girlfriend attractive. This I promised to her at boot camp and my thought process has never changed since then."

That's what he said Something that I'm not afraid to admit is that I'm NOT okay with porn. I'm NOT okay with any significant other of mine looking at porn, and in my view I think: If my boyfriend gets mad at me for looking at porn (which I did quite avidly in the past), why should I be okay with him looking at porn? I would suggest talking to him about it, tell him about how you really feel about it and get his input. Definitely talk it over with him