What keeps a relationship together?

[GreekChick]

How come some relationships outlast others to the point where we tell ourselves "Wow, they have been together X years, that's crazy!" Do you really believe that a couple can last for so many years, all the while being 100% into eachother? You can be with the most amazing person in the world, and still look at other people and interrogate the potential you might have with this other person. I just think, like it or not, there will come a point where there might be a third party. Not necessarily cheating. Maybe lusting. How do you deal with this? If it's from his part, or from yours. To clarify a little bit better, let's say you have been with your partner for 4 years now, amd one day you meet someone and this person is just WOW....how do you deal with all the questions going through your head at that specific moment? such as "Im young, look at everything else there is out there!" "Will we get along better than I do with my former partner?" etc

And what do you do once the relationship becomes somewhat of a chore...yet you know deep inside you you're inlove with this person...And you don't want to leave them. Yet there is fighting. Little annoyances that may or may not cause bigger problems. WOuld you be scared to take a small break, for fear of losing this person for good? Or would you stick it out, making it somewhat more of a deeper chore?
And-
for all the stubborn partners out there,
What makes you admit you have been wrong? And why do you trouble admitting it?

I know I know, soooooo many questions. Can you tell im in a relationship? Lol...My coworker (25) has been with her bf now for 7 yrs..she told me it's really hard and you ask yourself aloooot of questions throughout it all. She also mentionned she has been attracted to others but never acted upon it. Is every relationship like this? Or is this type faulty? I hope I'm not completely delusionnal in thinking you can be with someone until your 80, and always always be sure about the way you feel.

 

[xbeatofangelx]

Personally -

All I think it takes for a relationship together is willpower; as long as both people WANT to be in a relationship, they can make it work.

Even if you meet someone new who "might be better", you'd be taking a gamble. A lot of people think that they have to look for the best deal, the perfect husband, etc. etc. They keep searching and searching. Sometimes "good enough" is what you should stick with. If it already meets your standards/criteria, why try to change it? What's the point?

I don't believe in "breaks". If you take a "break", why get back together? If you don't want to be with him for a couple weeks (or wtv), what's going to keep you together in the end? If you break up with someone, there's a reason for that, and it should stay that way. If the issue was big enough to cause a split in the first place, it should remain irreconciled (sp?/word choice?).

I think it's ok to be attracted to other people - as long as you're not acting on it. Attraction, especially physical attraction, is only natural - what's pleasing to the eye is pleasing to the eye. That's it =]

I hope I was able to answer some of your questions, apologies for the lengthy post!

 

[GreekChick]

I totally agree with you! But don't you think if there comes a point where you're attracted to someone else...it's a sign that there is somethin wrong within your own relationship. Maybe it's the way the sexuality is maintained, the interest. If something is wrong concerning the attraction you feel for you partner, you naturally start to look elsewhere (maybe the sex has become boring, you don't get those butterflies anymore,etc) Then there are those couples that fall inlove with eachother allover again.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by GreekChick (you don't get those butterflies anymore,etc)

lol... I LOVE the tummy flutters!

 

[user79]

Quote:

Originally Posted by GreekChick But don't you think if there comes a point where you're attracted to someone else...it's a sign that there is somethin wrong within your own relationship. Maybe it's the way the sexuality is maintained, the interest. If something is wrong concerning the attraction you feel for you partner, you naturally start to look elsewhere (maybe the sex has become boring, you don't get those butterflies anymore,etc) Then there are those couples that fall inlove with eachother allover again.

I don't think that just because you're attracted to someone else, your current relationship is necessarily broken or there's something wrong with it. I think it's just in our biological instincts to feel attraction to multiple people, even if you're in a stable and committed relationship. Even monkeys behave this way, and I don't think you need to feel guilty about it.

It's just the question of what you decide to do with that attraction, whether you act on it or not. It's a mind-over-matter dilemma which many people just can't resist, so they cheat. But a lot of couples don't and the attraction to the other person will eventually go away.

I have been with my boyfriend for the past 7 1/2 years now and we've never cheated. I admit I have been attracted to other men, and at one point I was seriously lusting after someone else, and he after me. I won't lie and say the thought to get together with him never crossed my mind, but in the end I didn't.

I chose instead not to act on that lust because I realized this guy would in no way replace what I have with my boyfriend. It would have been some meaningless fling that would have lasted maybe a few weeks or months, and that would have been it.

So I decided to lose all contact with that person and focused on my relationship again. It made me realize how much I actually value my partner and that I would never betray him in such a cruel way, it would just be one of the worst things I could do to him, and to myself.

 

[Shimmer]

Work. Commitment. Honesty.
Things like that...but also the serious realization that it's not all tummy flutters and butterflies and roses. it's serious intimacy, which is amazing and indescribable, but it's also being willing to say "GOD you're PISSING ME OFF" while being certain in the knowledge that when you wake up in the a.m. that you're going to be waking up beside the person you want to be with.
Relationships are a LOT of fun...and it's great being able to communicate with half sentences and innuendo with someone, but with that greatness comes a LOT of work.

 

[user79]

Yes, when you've been together a long time, you actually can read the person's mind. It's actually scary how much this happens. Sometimes my man and I will be away somewhere with other people, something will happen, and just by looking at each other, we can just know exactly we're thinking the same thing. Usually it's hard to stop yourself from laughing out loud when that happens because people are totally oblivious to what just transpired. Or when one of us is upset about something, I usually don't even have to explain why, it's like he'll just KNOW. It's cool because you really do feel like there's someone there for you that you can always count on.

And I agree with Shimmer, the feeling you get when you've just had a huge fight, but never does the thought cross your mind that this could be on the verge of a breakup. I mean, my man and I have exchanged some nasty words over the years, but somehow we always managed to work out our problems.

I think it's also really important to have communal goals. Instead of one person working towards X and the one other to Y, maybe both work towards Z. It bonds you together and then when you've achieved that goal together, you feel unbelievably good about it.

 

[GreekChick]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissChievous Yes, when you've been together a long time, you actually can read the person's mind. It's actually scary how much this happens. Sometimes my man and I will be away somewhere with other people, something will happen, and just by looking at each other, we can just know exactly we're thinking the same thing. Usually it's hard to stop yourself from laughing out loud when that happens because people are totally oblivious to what just transpired. Or when one of us is upset about something, I usually don't even have to explain why, it's like he'll just KNOW. It's cool because you really do feel like there's someone there for you that you can always count on. And I agree with Shimmer, the feeling you get when you've just had a huge fight, but never does the thought cross your mind that this could be on the verge of a breakup. I mean, my man and I have exchanged some nasty words over the years, but somehow we always managed to work out our problems. I think it's also really important to have communal goals. Instead of one person working towards X and the one other to Y, maybe both work towards Z. It bonds you together and then when you've achieved that goal together, you feel unbelievably good about it.

So after the attraction for that other person, how did you manage to turm the attraction back to your boyfriend? Did it become stronger?
After a big fight though, don't you ever tell yourself that on some point of views you two are just different and that maybe, just maybe you might get along better with someone else?

 

[GreekChick]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raerae lol... I LOVE the tummy flutters!

I love them too!! I love it when it's been like 2 years that you've been with someone, and you think that the tummy flutters are gone, but then one day he just suddenly walks through the room and it's like BAM!! Take me!!!

 

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by GreekChick So after the attraction for that other person, how did you manage to turm the attraction back to your boyfriend? Did it become stronger? After a big fight though, don't you ever tell yourself that on some point of views you two are just different and that maybe, just maybe you might get along better with someone else?

Just because there's mutual attraction doesn't mean it's worth acting on. There's a history between me and my husband that regardless of how badly I would love to jump Joe Schmoe's bones, isn't worth destroying because I acted on an impulse.
Looking at a situation and saying "mmm. Yeah. I see that." and being honest with yourself...what attracted you to the guy? Was he sensitive to your (perceived) needs? Was it the idea of him? Did you like the way he carried himself? Did he have good shoulders?
Identifying that and then working within your own relationship to develop and enjoy the strengths of that relationship are what makes it stronger.

Being different on points of views. My husband and I are VERY different on a few things, but the things we're together on far outweigh the things we're not. The things we're divisive on aren't life changing, though they are opinions that are about important issues.

It's all about my level of commitment to him and this relationship. I wake up everyday committed to making it work. I wake up everyday commited to bettering, in some way, our relationship.

 

[Hawkeye]

Being in a relationship is hard work. You have to work at it. When he gives 30 you have to be the one who gives 70% anyone who tells you a relationship is 50-50 and that the entire time your going to be in an intense passion and have sex every night and make out every day they are lyin to you.

You have to work at it and you have to be able to accept a person for the flaws but stand up to the person when they do something that is hurtful.

As for the attraction-my feeling is you have to do what you think is right. One of those well I could go after this but this person has been with me through the long haul do i really want to risk this? Etc.

I mean everything it takes honesty and commitment and hard work just like shimmer says.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by GreekChick I love them too!! I love it when it's been like 2 years that you've been with someone, and you think that the tummy flutters are gone, but then one day he just suddenly walks through the room and it's like BAM!! Take me!!!

Haha omg...

Reading that gave me a flutter =p

 

[user79]

Quote:

Originally Posted by GreekChick So after the attraction for that other person, how did you manage to turm the attraction back to your boyfriend? Did it become stronger? After a big fight though, don't you ever tell yourself that on some point of views you two are just different and that maybe, just maybe you might get along better with someone else?

Well the attraction for my partner never went away, it's just with this other guy I felt that flirtatious fluttery stomach feeling you get when someone interests you. But looking back on it now, it was all based on shallow things, and I totally don't regret NOT acting on it. It was all quite silly, tbh, and I'm glad I decided to stay with my man and not dump him for that other guy, it would have been a huge mistake that I would certainly have regreted, just for a small bit of fun. Not worth it!


Yeah, my partner and I fight about things, and we have arguments. But that's normal. Of course we're not going to see eye to eye on everything, but they are issues I'm willing to compromise on. And I can make those compromises because we see eye to eye on other more important things, like loyalty, honesty, respect, support, etc.

What you have to understand is that you're never going to find someone who is 100% compatible to you. There's no such thing as a perfect relationship, and I think lots of young people nowadays are looking for this relationship utopia that doesn't exist. Relationships are about compromising on certain issues, and building up on other things. So as long as you can find a balance that is right for you, then it's worth it to make a relationship work. It's important to pick your battles, and not argue about every little thing even if it's something trivial, otherwise it's not going to last.

 

[kaliraksha]

Everyone has already said basically everything I would say. I have a little tactic for myself... I'm engaged to someone I've been with for 5 years and I've had many men that I've been attracted to, and on our standards I've even cheated. AKA I talked to a guy the way a taken women would not, ahem. It took willpower, commitment, work, understanding that he was going to be pissed off at me and that wasn't going to make me quit.

He knew how much he was pissed off at me, maybe even hated me in those moments yet when I asked him if I was going to loose him he said "no" from the get go. He told me it was just going to take time and work and he still loved me. I can't give that kind of love up for "Joe Shmoe"- no matter how special Joe Schmoe is.

I think it's really about attention and flirting and feeling wanted. So I try to be very rational and accept the challenge as a learning opportunity for us to improve our relationship. It was hard but for whatever reason I was attracted to another guy my fiance took all those points and gave me what I was missing- the time, the attention, the dating, the flirting, the long talks, etc. I know if the situation ever reciprocated I would hate it but I would try to look at why he strayed and what she could give him that I wasn't.

Now, whenever I start to become attracted to someone else I slow down and think really hard to when I was first attracted to and first started talking to my fiance and it doesn't even compare. So I tell myself- what will Joe Schmoe and I be 5 years from now? And my fiance always wins.

 

[eastsidesunset]

It's important to understand that relationships and levels of attraction change over time. At the start of any relationship, there is a biological urge to procreate (whether this happens or not), and it can make it seem like you were more attracted to your partner then when you realize the feelings you had have changed. When you can get to a point where you are comfortable with your SO and can openly and honestly communicate with that person and feel secure about your feelings towards them and their feelings towards you, it's a good thing.

If you're really interested in it, and maybe want to understand how things work, try googling "attachment styles" and "stages of attraction". It might be too theoretical, but it is applicable, and interesting. Learning about things like that can make relationships easier for you in the long run, because most relationships run a specific path and go through the same stages and changes. (Sorry for sounding like a dork, I'm a Relational Communications major, haha).

 

[miss holly j]

I think for everyone it's different. Some people have the opposites attrack and it works for them (me and my bf), Some people almost the same person and that works for them.

I think making it work for the long haul means honesty, willing to think about someone other then yourself, love & commitment. Also, the willingness to accept change in one another and your relationship.

 

[eastsidesunset]

Quote:

Originally Posted by miss holly j Some people have the opposites attrack and it works for them (me and my bf), Some people almost the same person and that works for them.

Sorry, that whole opposites attract thing annoys me. It's just not really true. To be attracted to someone (aside from initial physical attraction), there has to be a basis, which is usually shared (like morals, values, senses of humor, ideas of family, etc) in order to keep the relationship going. So even if a couple looks like complete opposites, chances are that if they have a good relationship they share the same core values and beliefs.

 

[kaliraksha]

I will agree with needing to share the core values- but you can be complete opposites to the outside view and still attract. My fiance and I appear to be a world of different people. Our interests, personas, characters and upbringings are pretty different yet we do still share the same values, morals, ethics, ideas. It's silly but he really does balance me out- I'm way too shy and a push over at times and he is the opposite, he won't give someone the time of day if he doesn't think they are worth his time. Oftentimes he reminds me to say "no" and I remind him to give people a chance. But, the person we are truly, inside, are on very similar path- but on the outside yeah, we definitely do get those "WTF are you two doing together?" thing.

 

[PrudeyNudey]

I agree with what pretty much everyone is saying on here and it is nice to dream that you will get the opportunity to stay in love with someone which includes those tummy flutters and sexual cravings for them but more often than not those feelings are replaced by a deeper attraction. You may become so comfortable with him and him with you that the whole dynamic changes and alot of people don't like that at all...they think that to be in love you should feel that way all the time and thats when their eyes begin to wander.. i don't think it is unnatural at all but u have to appreciate your lover and truely respect them...

 

[miss holly j]

I think it takes alot of work and compromise but sure you can be completely into each other for many years. You also have to be understanding that things will change and be ready to adapt to those changes. I hope to have that kind of love with my current boyfriend. Although I don't think it counts when you start dating at like 13, I mean come on how serious can your relationship be ?