Chikky
Well-known member
I'll try to make this concise, and to the point.
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My, let's say, Significant Other lost his brother in law this past May, to a suicide. Totally unexpected. No signs, no indications, no nothing. They were very close.
I immediately drove to SO's house, and later that week, flew down to the funeral with him. I am fine with dealing with grief, my immediate reaction is 'Ok, it happened. What can I do?' and take charge. I have immediate calm in these types of situations.
Of course, the family was devastated, and understandably. I am very close with the family and I knew the deceased, also, and was sad, but... not like them, of course.
To add, maybe, a little something, I lost my grandpa this September, (after a very brief illness) and we were very, VERY close. SO's reaction was compassion, but also he didn't really 'think HE was ready to attend another funeral', which seemed totally ridiculous and selfish for someone to immediately react with. He apologised and all.... but here's the thing:
I understand their family had a tragedy. So did mine. So I am baffled by the separate reactions, and don't know HOW to help anymore. His family, it's still almost all they talk about, they still cry over it all the time and if he liked a restaurant they cry over that, etc... SO will spend TWO WEEKS at a time depressed over it and having it affect his life. It is stunting all of their lives, I feel. Everything is an 'anniversary'; 'It's been 250 days since he sat here in this chair', or 'He did (fill in the blank) so many days ago' or even 'After the funeral, it's been exactly two weeks since I got the card from (some random friend)'. It's just not healthy, it seems.
My family and I are sad, of COURSE, but it does not ruin our lives. We are happy we had my grandfather in our lives and choose to celebrate it, even though he was taken from us too early. Do we still cry? Sure. Are there places he loved to go, or places he loved to eat that we go to? Of course, and we have great memories and talk about them in a positive way, as a tribute to him, not as a depressing thing.
This may all make me sound horrible, and I know people react to grief differently... but part of me is kind of losing patience in a way. They need... HE needs to take this experience, accept that it happened, and remember who his brother in law was, and how great of friends they were and have good memories again. I understand suicide is way different to comprehend, and I'm sure they all feel betrayed in a way, but I also had a cousin kill himself by using drugs, so I sort of understand a bit more. SO's brothers are dealing much better than SO and the rest of his family are, the brothers deal more like I do, which means I know it's possible for this family to get back to normal.
I want to help. I love them and I don't want to be impatient or come off as mean or as being not understanding, but I just can't... I almost just can't deal with it anymore. I just think it's time they deal in a positive way, and start to move on with their lives.
Any advice?
****
My, let's say, Significant Other lost his brother in law this past May, to a suicide. Totally unexpected. No signs, no indications, no nothing. They were very close.
I immediately drove to SO's house, and later that week, flew down to the funeral with him. I am fine with dealing with grief, my immediate reaction is 'Ok, it happened. What can I do?' and take charge. I have immediate calm in these types of situations.
Of course, the family was devastated, and understandably. I am very close with the family and I knew the deceased, also, and was sad, but... not like them, of course.
To add, maybe, a little something, I lost my grandpa this September, (after a very brief illness) and we were very, VERY close. SO's reaction was compassion, but also he didn't really 'think HE was ready to attend another funeral', which seemed totally ridiculous and selfish for someone to immediately react with. He apologised and all.... but here's the thing:
I understand their family had a tragedy. So did mine. So I am baffled by the separate reactions, and don't know HOW to help anymore. His family, it's still almost all they talk about, they still cry over it all the time and if he liked a restaurant they cry over that, etc... SO will spend TWO WEEKS at a time depressed over it and having it affect his life. It is stunting all of their lives, I feel. Everything is an 'anniversary'; 'It's been 250 days since he sat here in this chair', or 'He did (fill in the blank) so many days ago' or even 'After the funeral, it's been exactly two weeks since I got the card from (some random friend)'. It's just not healthy, it seems.
My family and I are sad, of COURSE, but it does not ruin our lives. We are happy we had my grandfather in our lives and choose to celebrate it, even though he was taken from us too early. Do we still cry? Sure. Are there places he loved to go, or places he loved to eat that we go to? Of course, and we have great memories and talk about them in a positive way, as a tribute to him, not as a depressing thing.
This may all make me sound horrible, and I know people react to grief differently... but part of me is kind of losing patience in a way. They need... HE needs to take this experience, accept that it happened, and remember who his brother in law was, and how great of friends they were and have good memories again. I understand suicide is way different to comprehend, and I'm sure they all feel betrayed in a way, but I also had a cousin kill himself by using drugs, so I sort of understand a bit more. SO's brothers are dealing much better than SO and the rest of his family are, the brothers deal more like I do, which means I know it's possible for this family to get back to normal.
I want to help. I love them and I don't want to be impatient or come off as mean or as being not understanding, but I just can't... I almost just can't deal with it anymore. I just think it's time they deal in a positive way, and start to move on with their lives.
Any advice?