Awkward ex-bf now friends issue

[Cydonian]

I'm just a needy little advice person, aren't I? lol!

I would normally talk to my fiance about this kind of stuff, but I know he will just tell me to not be friends with him anymore if I can't put up with it. I'm curious to hear some other opinions on this.

I'm still friends with my most recent ex boyfriend. We were together for a little over 3 years, and broke up on pretty much mutual terms. We stayed friends as much as we could but for a while, didn't really speak (he stayed close with some friends of mine that I decided to cut out of my life due to their lifestyle). In the past few months, he's made an effort to communicate with me, we'll meet up to chat and have lunch, I've gone over to his house to watch a movie. So that's been sort of nice.

The problem is that being around him now irritates me. It's hard to explain, I don't know exactly what it is, but I think it's because we've taken such durastic changes in our lives. When we were together, I would usually want to go places and see my friends, he'd want to stay home and be on the computer. We argued constantly about this. Now, he makes the comment that "now that he's single, he realizes how much he likes being around people", sort of blaming me for him being anti-social. Now, he's the little social butterfly. Part of the reason I cut the aforementioned people out of my life is because all they do is drink, smoke weed and screw around with random people. That's not really my thing. I also didn't like their condescending attitudes (they joke each other very harshly and laugh it off).

He acts so much like them now that I think that's why it bothers me being around him. He has the same mannerisms as one of his guy friends (who I had a nasty run-in with and now my fiance wants to ring his neck for it), and now acts like such a little man-whore. It's gross, seriously.

Anytime I'm around him, it's just constant "that girl's boobs are hot" or "I would so f*** that". We were watching the Tudors and I thought he wanted to watch it as he kept up with the series when we dated, come to find out he wanted to see "Katherine Howard's t*** some more." Really? Did you need to tell me that? Do you know how awkward it is watching that sort of thing with your ex?

What's making me think I need to do something is that we met up for lunch yesterday and he apparently hooked up with some 20 year old from this nightclub he visits weekly. I listened to his way too detailed account and sort of blew it off... come to find out, she has a 1 year old that she barely takes care of (she has photos of this kid on her facebook and it's labeled "seed of the white man"... that is the most immature thing I've ever heard), and judging by the comments on her page, she's gets around. I can't help but sit here and just think that he is SUCH an idiot. He is smarter than that and yet it's almost like he's doing this just to fit in, because it's expected of younger guys and he's trying to make up for lost time from when he was with me.

I'm not one of those people that can sit down and shut up when people are, to put it nicely, being dumb. So what should I do? I feel like it's mean to just say, hey, can't talk to you anymore, sorry. I pretty much don't go to anything at his house (sans his birthday party, and I only stayed for 30 minutes) because of the circle of people he hangs out with. So why am I holding onto this friendship?

Sorry for such a long post!

 

[rutiene]

For nostalgia's sake? Because once you cared deeply about him and you don't want to let go of that?

I would agree with your fiance, ditch the guy. He has changed and you two have grown a part. There is no reason to keep negativity in your life.

 

[roLLerGrrL]

I would say the same thing.

 

[VintageAqua]

I had a similar situation with a guy I dated for almost 6 years, and honestly, I'm much happier without him in my life now. Maybe you feel compelled to care for him because you see his potential, but he apparently has a lot of maturing to do, and he no longer has an obligation to you.

In all honesty, he's probably acting making snide comments around you to either see how far he can push the new jerk image or he secretly wants to get back together with you. (The whole "push the girl in the dirt because you like her thing".) So if you're truly happy with your new fiance, give yourself and HIM respect and let this guy do his own thing. You two obviously called off the relationship for important reasons, so stay true to your intuition.

It might be troubling to cut him out of your life at first, but just like your break-up, things will get better with time. Good luck!

 

[iadoremac]

I think he is on the rebound and probably not very happy single............I say ditch him! That's a bomb waiting to explode

 

[LMD84]

yeah ditch him. he does sound very irritating and to be fair i wouldn't put up with it. i know you'll be sad because you had a relationship together. but you don't need friends that are annoying like that and who make you feel guilty about things that did or did not happen in your relationship years ago.

slowly phase him out and move on

 

[FiestyFemme]

Quote:

Originally Posted by VintageAqua I had a similar situation with a guy I dated for almost 6 years, and honestly, I'm much happier without him in my life now. Maybe you feel compelled to care for him because you see his potential, but he apparently has a lot of maturing to do, and he no longer has an obligation to you.

I was in the same situation, stayed friends for the same reasons. I knew who he could be, but he just wasn't that person yet. I opted to end our friendship for several reasons, but let me tell you, I'm much happier & definitely better off! You don't always have to remain friends with your exes, but I had to learn that the hard way.

 

[Meisje]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cydonian Anytime I'm around him, it's just constant "that girl's boobs are hot" or "I would so f*** that". We were watching the Tudors and I thought he wanted to watch it as he kept up with the series when we dated, come to find out he wanted to see "Katherine Howard's t*** some more." Really? Did you need to tell me that? Do you know how awkward it is watching that sort of thing with your ex?

Men do this --- being very overt and vulgar while making sure you know how sexually attracted he is to other women --- as a subtle (or not so subtle) form of control. They want you to feel unbalanced, unsure of yourself, and question whether you're as attractive as the girl they're talking about. They want you to be impressed at how wonderfully virile and manly they are and they want you to Know with a capital K that they're "out there" looking for someone to bang. 'Cause the fact that he's going to have sex with someone else is surely going to make you wise up and realize what a wonderful treasure he was. It will inspire deep jealousy and you will promptly rip off your bodice, throw yourself at his feet and beg for forgiveness and the opportunity to fellate him.

And usually (as in this case) it just ends up annoying the women it's supposed to impress/harass and we end up walking away thinking "wtf."

You don't owe this guy anything. Exorcise!

 

[LeeleeBell]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Meisje Men do this --- being very overt and vulgar while making sure you know how sexually attracted he is to other women --- as a subtle (or not so subtle) form of control. They want you to feel unbalanced, unsure of yourself, and question whether you're as attractive as the girl they're talking about. They want you to be impressed at how wonderfully virile and manly they are and they want you to Know with a capital K that they're "out there" looking for someone to bang. 'Cause the fact that he's going to have sex with someone else is surely going to make you wise up and realize what a wonderful treasure he was. It will inspire deep jealousy and you will promptly rip off your bodice, throw yourself at his feet and beg for forgiveness and the opportunity to fellate him. And usually (as in this case) it just ends up annoying the women it's supposed to impress/harass and we end up walking away thinking "wtf." You don't owe this guy anything. Exorcise!

ROTFL!!!

SOOoooo true and so well said

I can't add anything...I completely agree, it's time to get the guy out of your life. He has to see for himself that it's time to grow up.

 

[Cydonian]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Meisje Men do this --- being very overt and vulgar while making sure you know how sexually attracted he is to other women --- as a subtle (or not so subtle) form of control. They want you to feel unbalanced, unsure of yourself, and question whether you're as attractive as the girl they're talking about. They want you to be impressed at how wonderfully virile and manly they are and they want you to Know with a capital K that they're "out there" looking for someone to bang. 'Cause the fact that he's going to have sex with someone else is surely going to make you wise up and realize what a wonderful treasure he was. It will inspire deep jealousy and you will promptly rip off your bodice, throw yourself at his feet and beg for forgiveness and the opportunity to fellate him. And usually (as in this case) it just ends up annoying the women it's supposed to impress/harass and we end up walking away thinking "wtf." You don't owe this guy anything. Exorcise!

OMG, I was in stitches reading this. Thank you so much for putting it in a light I can laugh at!

It got more awkward this weekend when he turned up to my brother's birthday party... I kind of ignored him most of the night but he kept coming into the same room I was in and conversing with everyone there (he's still friends with a lot of my friends). So I kept changing rooms...
Suddenly, he goes to leave and being polite, I ask him why he's leaving so soon. And he just gives me his stupid grin and I know he's going to get that girl I mentioned in the original post. So I made a vulgar comment about wrapping it up and walked away.
5 minutes later, he comes back in and says "False alarm, she wanted to watch movies." I shrugged it off until he mentioned to a guy friend that I brought with me that "I don't mind cuddling if she's gonna put out."

I wanted to slap him. So hard. Disgusting!

What was funny was that my guy friend shrugged and was like "Don't look for me to agree with you. I'm with Wendy on this one." (I didn't say a word, he just knew what I was thinking) LOL

Aaaah, I love my best friend.

 

[kaliraksha]

Is he adding anything beneficial or positive to your life? If he is, is he taking more than he gives? If you met him today would you be friends with him? You don't owe him anything and it might be better to stay away from what sounds like a lot of immaturity. Awkward? Yes! But it will pass with time, no matter what the ex situation is it's always a bit awkward.

He might come around someday and be a good friend to you, but right now it's like he's still set on trying to make you jealous... probably because you have a fiance.

 

[BlueMoonDoll]

What a jerk. I'm with everyone else on this one: Ditch him. He knows he is getting under your skin and therefore you must still be in love with him. (Because some boys are idiots.).

 

[Cydonian]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueMoonDoll What a jerk. I'm with everyone else on this one: Ditch him. He knows he is getting under your skin and therefore you must still be in love with him. (Because some boys are idiots.).

I didn't even notice this response until just now -- I think you're probably right. He would never admit it but subconsciously, that's probably what he's doing. He knows that it will get to me even though I shrug and go "yeah and? I'm going home to someone who adores me...". I think he's trying to put something out there and hope that maybe I'll bow down and tell him how lucky he is.

I'm still friends with him but we don't talk much anymore. He's onto some new girl and came to me for long distance relationship advice (my fiance is in England, moving here in 2 weeks) as she goes to school in Philly and we live in Virginia. I told him my thoughts and told him my analysis of what was going on, and he seemed to take my advice. Said he thought I was right. Two days later the girl TELLS him that she's kinda bad news, and that she's moving back to school in 2 weeks and doesn't want anything... and what does he say "I don't care, I'm pursuing you anyway." (headdesk). He doesn't learn. The girl he hooked up with who has a kid? Yeah, she's dating one of my other guy friends now.

I'm so over that circle lol! My ex has stayed super tight with my brother too so that makes it even more awkward. I've just been distancing myself... my ex actually tried to get me to buy him Starcraft 2. I asked him why he was even asking me and he said "Well, you have a job." Seriously? He quit his job (lives in an apartment btw) that paid him more than I make and I have a degree. It was a really good job, he just couldn't stop partying and get to work on time. Yeah. I know how to pick 'em.

 

[kaliraksha]

Sounds like you saved yourself a world of trouble! We may not know how to pick them but sometimes we know just when to send them packing. You sound so much happier now, happy to hear your update!