Can you change someone? Or can you change for them?

[cakeandmartinis]

Back story: Me and my boyfriend met each other in high school and have been dating on and off since grade ten, so like four years.
I love him, I really do.
BUT.
Is there a point you reach where the love just isn't enough anymore?
The problem is, I see him once a week, MAYBE. He just doesn't seem to care much about when he sees me or even if he sees me. And I don't know if I'm living in a fairy-tale land and think that love is this perfect thing, but there was one summer, the first summer we were together that was soooo fantastic, like kisses in the rain, together every day, that sort of thing.
I don't understand why it can't be like that anymore! True, we've broken up about four or five times since then and have grown up a whole lot (or at least I have haha).
Can you change someone back to the way they were? When is enough enough? Because I honestly dont think I can change what I want in a relationship, which is like romance and passion and its just not there...
It's weird when you were so sure of how you felt and then suddenly don't know what your feelings are!!
Someone just tell me what to do or at least be like hey, been there so I know I'm not alone!

 

[sugaMAMA]

HelloOoo! My name is Selina!

Anywho first off, NO you can not change a man. I am sorry hunny, but I am gonna be straight foward with you. You can't change anybody for that matter.. They have to want to change themselves you know?

My situation is similar, but not the same.. I married a guy I met my senior year of high school, he is six months older than me and we just got along soooOo well. We never fought, always had fun and everything seemed to be going really well. I got pregnant, we got married and then he just completely changed. He always drank & smoked, but he got out of control. And to sum it all up, we are seperated now and I am a single mother.. There was nothing I could do for him anymore. I couldn't change him, he had to want to change for himself.. I couldn't make him care or want to help.

Enough is enough when you are unhappy. To me personally, when you are in love.. you should feel so happy and want to celebrate life. When I was with my son's dad I was the opposite. You have to draw the line somewhere ya know? Hope I helped and I'm always here if you need to talk! =)

 

[LoveMac26]

I'm really sorry to hear you are going through this. One of my really close friends has a boyfriend that almost exactly fits the description of yours. I can't count the number of times he has blown her off for his friends or just decided to sleep instead of seeing her. They have also broken up before and got back together to try to work things out, which so far, hasn't been very successful.
Because my boyfriend and hers are best friends, we all recently went on vacation together and he ignored her almost the whole time, making her cry and turn into someone unpleasant to be around.

We have had the "how things used to be" conversation multiple times. No matter what she does, he hasn't changed in any way. The more she tries to hold on, the more he pulls away. It doesn't help that he is her first love and basically her everything. While she exhausts herself trying to make their relationship as perfect as it was when they first got together, he doesn't put in near enough effort to be the boyfriend he once was.

This brings me to the conclusion that you can't change someone unless they are willing to change themselves. They need to want it as much as you do. Without effort from both sides, love isn't enough to keep people together.

Hopefully he will be more supportive of you then my friend's boyfriend and you guys will be able to work everything out.

 

[Beauty Mark]

Love is difficult. Things can't always be happy and carefree. Lots of ugly parts of life set in, like your first fight or just life in general.

I'd suggest you talk to him if you're really intent on staying with him. Perhaps you two are very different from how you used to be, since you started dating so young

 

[Nox]

CakeN'martinis,

Times change, people change. He's changed, and no doubt you've changed. Nobody remains static in life. So really, it's not just you, it's him... and a little bit of you. He may feel like he's different enough now to not have the same tastes as before. Or perhaps, you have developed in a different way than what he remembered you as before, and that may be what throws him. It's hard to know exactly what it is until you hear it from his own mouth.

Is this a long distance relationship? Sometimes I've observed people who have not settled on a life path yet, they tend to fluctuate their likes and desires. What used to excite them before, no longer holds their interest. This goes for significant others too. Lovers who've been apart have to deal with the fact that they are going through life and experiencing things without the other one being present. You'll have a network of friends and acquaintances that have nothing to do with the other person, and so it can be awfully hard to loop them into the mix when they actually are around.

This is somebody who you have been close to, I think the best thing for you to do is ask him about 'what's new and different lately'? That may give you a good glimpse as to where his head is.

 

[Susanne]

No, you can't change someone. Love is if you love him anyway

 

[pumpkincat210]

I've gone through this and you are definitely not alone. You cannot change for a person and you also cannot change a person.
When a person changes they often do it subconsciously and don't have control over who they become. You can have a better outcome of who you'll change into if you act nice, be strong and treat others the way you would like to be treated.
You may still love him, but I think you are living in the past. The relationship has evolved into something stale. You've also broken up several times and this is damaging. It's long distance right? Have you considered that he may be interested in someone else since you don't see him much and the way he acts when he sees you is a big tipoff.
You sound young and to have fallen in love with only 1 person in your whole life, you may not be experienced enough to know when its time to end a relationship and keep the good memories tucked away.
His love for you should have grown by now and it sounds as if both of you are unhappy, even if you loved each other passionately at one time.
I'd take a break and see what life has to offer. There are lots of people out there and not very many people stay with their high school sweethearts forever.

 

[zeroxstar]

I think you can HELP someone to change, even PUSH them to change, and if THEY have the desire to change and work with you, it can happen... i know people can and do change for the better. However, wanting someone to change back to how they were years before seems a little unrealistic, cause it's not a specific thing you want changed, but instead, more of an ideal image in your mind of what you think your relationship should be vs. what it is now. Could even be that you have that point in your relationship idealized when it's not really fair to compare the beginnings of a romance with the romance 10 years down the road, as it will never be the same ball game.

That being said, have you talked to him about how you feel? The fact that it's been so long and you guys barely see each other is definitely a point that should be brought up, maybe he has something to say, maybe he evens feels you have changed too, sometimes talking is just so important. I dunno, I hope you work it out and I hope he is able to speak his mind and that you are to. Hope that helps & makes sense

Good luck!