Daddy Dearest

[chaffsters33]

Hey Everybody...So I sort of have an issue which will probably make a pretty long post. My parents separated when I was really young (2) and divorced when I was 7 because my mom found out he was having an affair with a bottle blond bimbo.(who is now my stepmother, yippee.

) I'm fourteen now and haven't had the closest relationship with my father. I would spend time with him at his house or apartment when I was younger, and in 2001 he got married and had a daughter with my stepmother.

A few years later he moved to California. I made my self sick over it for nearly a year even though I didn't think I was that sad. My older brother and I would go and visit my dad every school break up until last year. Last year I was sick allthe time and missed going out for Christmas and Spring Break. Then he never planned a trip for us to come out over the summer. Or doing long weekends once school started.

Then about a month before Christmas he told my mom he couldn't afford to pay 300$ for my brother and I to visit him over the holidays. (Keep in mind that he takes vacations with his new family fairly often and lives in a wealthy community)

So I made plans over break to do my science fair project and spend time with my friends and family. Two days before Christmas he emails my mom and tells her that my stepmom took 300$ from her own money to buy tickets for us to come out. And he was not very polite in this email let me tell you. I stood up to him and told him very nicely that I had previous commitments and couldnt come out to see him.(Plus I really needed to do my science project

) My brother did the same.

After that there was nothing. No call on Christmas. No Cards. Nothing. I haven't heard from him in almost four months. He stills calls my brother who goes to military school. He didn't even call to tell me my little sister broke her wrist or on Easter, which i learned through my brother. I'm starting to get really upset and generally thats not something I do. I usually get angry and I am, don't get me wrong. I think this is absolutely unacceptable. Every since I figured out what happened between him and my mom over the past fourteen years I have lost all respect for him. Including not paying child support and running off to get married in Italy without telling me.(And my mom never bashed him, she is a wonderful mother)

But I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose all contact with my father, but I feel like if I am the one to call I'll act like a bitter, snarky bitch.

Does anyone have any advice?

 

[MxAxC-_ATTACK]

For a 14 year old, your grammar is very good (fyi)

my little brother is 16 and he is a mess

A food friend of mine went through a very similar situation with her father, (except she lived with them and her step mom (Only a few years older than my friend) said "hey get out of this house"

Unfortunately things couldn't be saved in her situation, but your situation seems hopeful. Give him a call, and as hard as it seems, try not to be snarky, I know its the easiest thing to do (I'm a pro at it lol) but I would give him a call and ask him why he never calls you anymore. Just plain and simple "Why don't you call me anymore?, Yet you call (insert your brothers name here) "

See what he has to say, Hopefully he won't be bitter or anything and you can have a productive conversation.

 

[Lambchop]

My situation is a little different. My parents were married for 23 years when he emailed her to let her know he wanted a divorce. He had been cheating on her with one of his female soldiers (he was an officer in the Army). They went through a pretty nasty divorce and he married my whore of a stepmom 10 days after the divorce was final. I was out of the house when it happened so he didn't get the opportunity to hurt me much. Their baby is due this weekend...

At this point I've written my father off for the most part. I don't call or include him in things but I usual answer if he calls me. He sends my kids birthday cards and Christmas gifts but I don't reciprocate. I am stubborn and after what he put my mom and little brother through I force him to make the effort.

If you feel like you need him in your life than go ahead and call him to let him know how you're feeling. If not I'd just wait it out to see if he comes to you. At least then you'll know where you really stand in his life.

 

[chaffsters33]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lambchop My situation is a little different. My parents were married for 23 years when he emailed her to let her know he wanted a divorce. He had been cheating on her with one of his female soldiers (he was an officer in the Army). They went through a pretty nasty divorce and he married my whore of a stepmom 10 days after the divorce was final. I was out of the house when it happened so he didn't get the opportunity to hurt me much. Their baby is due this weekend... At this point I've written my father off for the most part. I don't call or include him in things but I usual answer if he calls me. He sends my kids birthday cards and Christmas gifts but I don't reciprocate. I am stubborn and after what he put my mom and little brother through I force him to make the effort. If you feel like you need him in your life than go ahead and call him to let him know how you're feeling. If not I'd just wait it out to see if he comes to you. At least then you'll know where you really stand in his life.

I can definitely relate to your story. My dad got married to my step mom in Italy because he and my mom's divorce had not been finalized. The thing is, it doesn't bother me that much that we don't have a lot of contact. It just pisses me off of how he thinks that this is acceptable behavior for a father. In all honesty, I think he acts like a child most of the time. He is the king of Guilt Trips and I don't want to let that affect me anymore. But I want to call him out on it and make him realize he is acting like a grudge holding baby!

He always says that hes upset when we can't come out to visit him, but his actions sure don't reflect his words. Thank you for your advice!

 

[MxAxC-_ATTACK]

You are only 14, you may not want a relationship with your Father Now, but I wouldn't be so quick to give that up. My parents divorced when I was 15, My mom was having an affair, and at the time I didn't want a relationship with either of them, but now at 26 I am very grateful to have the relationship that I have with the both of them.

 

[blazeno.8]

I would say that if your step-mother took money out of her own account to help you guys come down that is a very positive sign that she thinks you guys should have a relationship (if she indeed did do that). If that is the case and you can get in contact with her, I would express my concerns to her because it seems like she has his ear. If need be, she might even be able to moderate a conversation between the two of you.

 

[Superkaz]

You seem quite mature for a 14 year old. so I would recommend just being honest with him about your feelings.
He would be so happy to hear what you are feeling instead of ignoring the situation like most 14 year olds would do.

Your are a smart girl. If you want him in your life- dont let anyone or anything stop that.

 

[Okami08]

If you don't think you could keep from being snarky over the phone, you could just email him and ask how he's doing and what's going on, because you haven't heard from him in a while.

You've said that your father lives in a wealthy community and takes a lot of vacations and such - is that his money, or is it his wife's? Because if they keep their finances separate and she's paying for all this, he might not be making as much as their lifestyle seems. That he mentioned that your stepmom gave him the $300 out of her money would seem to indicate that they keep separate finances. Maybe she has a lot more money than he does and he actually does struggle to keep up with the lifestyle they live and still do things with you guys. Just something to think about.

Your dad could be hurt that you and your brother didn't want to come spend the holidays with him, or he could be essentially pouting because he didn't get what he wanted. You might never know which is really is - some people act in that "pouting" type manner when they're upset.

If you would rather just put this behind you and try to open some kind of communication with your father again, I would email him, and ask how he is, and mention that it's because you haven't heard from him. It lets him know that you did actually notice that he hasn't been in contact with you for a while, but as long as you keep the tone neutral, it won't come across that you're mad or upset. However, if you don't want to let it drop, you could call him or email him and just ask him why he hasn't contacted you in so long.

There are family members I have that, in the interest of maintaining cordial relations with, I don't bring up certain topics. It's not the most pleasant way of doing things, and it does make for a strained relationship sometimes, but there are some people who that's the only way we can maintain a relationship. It's far from ideal, but realistically, sometimes that's how things work. Whoever it is and myself avoid certain polarizing topics and we get along pretty well as long as they don't get brought up.

Maybe you could talk with him about this and things will improve, but it could turn out that to keep him in your life without continuing to be hurt by his behavior that you have to accept him as he is, deal with him as he is and don't expect him to be anything else.

If you need to talk to him about this, talk to him. Don't keep quiet about it if it's going to eat at you.

 

[chaffsters33]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MxAxC-_ATTACK You are only 14, you may not want a relationship with your Father Now, but I wouldn't be so quick to give that up. My parents divorced when I was 15, My mom was having an affair, and at the time I didn't want a relationship with either of them, but now at 26 I am very grateful to have the relationship that I have with the both of them.

Thanks for the advice. I agree with what you're saying. Even though right now I don't really want to talk to him, I don't want to grow up to be someone with a bad relationship/ no relationship with their father.

 

[chaffsters33]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Okami08 If you don't think you could keep from being snarky over the phone, you could just email him and ask how he's doing and what's going on, because you haven't heard from him in a while. You've said that your father lives in a wealthy community and takes a lot of vacations and such - is that his money, or is it his wife's? Because if they keep their finances separate and she's paying for all this, he might not be making as much as their lifestyle seems. That he mentioned that your stepmom gave him the $300 out of her money would seem to indicate that they keep separate finances. Maybe she has a lot more money than he does and he actually does struggle to keep up with the lifestyle they live and still do things with you guys. Just something to think about. Your dad could be hurt that you and your brother didn't want to come spend the holidays with him, or he could be essentially pouting because he didn't get what he wanted. You might never know which is really is - some people act in that "pouting" type manner when they're upset. If you would rather just put this behind you and try to open some kind of communication with your father again, I would email him, and ask how he is, and mention that it's because you haven't heard from him. It lets him know that you did actually notice that he hasn't been in contact with you for a while, but as long as you keep the tone neutral, it won't come across that you're mad or upset. However, if you don't want to let it drop, you could call him or email him and just ask him why he hasn't contacted you in so long. There are family members I have that, in the interest of maintaining cordial relations with, I don't bring up certain topics. It's not the most pleasant way of doing things, and it does make for a strained relationship sometimes, but there are some people who that's the only way we can maintain a relationship. It's far from ideal, but realistically, sometimes that's how things work. Whoever it is and myself avoid certain polarizing topics and we get along pretty well as long as they don't get brought up. Maybe you could talk with him about this and things will improve, but it could turn out that to keep him in your life without continuing to be hurt by his behavior that you have to accept him as he is, deal with him as he is and don't expect him to be anything else. If you need to talk to him about this, talk to him. Don't keep quiet about it if it's going to eat at you.

That makes a lot of sense to think about their finances being kept seperate, considering that they aren't legally married in the U.S. I never thought about that.

I do feel like hes pouting about not getting his way, because I think, but can't be sure, that a parent wouldn't withdraw contact with their teenage daughter over a vacation that couldn't happen due to last minute planning.

Also, I think that because I haven't seen him since last Christmas he thinks that I don't want to see him, so in response he has basically cut me out of his life rather than trying to keep me in it. He's acting quite childishly, in my opinion.

I think that sometime soon I might call him and say something along the lines of, "I haven't heard from you since before Christmas so I decided to call and say hi.."

Thank you so much for your post! It was really helpful.

 

[blindpassion]

From my point of view - its incredibly irresponsible and immature of your father to treat you this way. He is a grown up, and shouldn't be placing the burden of keeping a solid relationship going on his young daughter.

I think you've been incredibly brave and strong up until this point - and I think its important to remember that you aren't responsible for whats happening at this point, you're doing you're best, and you're not at fault. And I feel sorry for you that this is weighing on your heart, you didn't do anything to deserve that.

Best wishes and good luck.

 

[chaffsters33]

Quote:

Originally Posted by blindpassion From my point of view - its incredibly irresponsible and immature of your father to treat you this way. He is a grown up, and shouldn't be placing the burden of keeping a solid relationship going on his young daughter. I think you've been incredibly brave and strong up until this point - and I think its important to remember that you aren't responsible for whats happening at this point, you're doing you're best, and you're not at fault. And I feel sorry for you that this is weighing on your heart, you didn't do anything to deserve that. Best wishes and good luck.

Thank you for that! It made me feel better

 

[Fataliya]

I'm 35, and went through that when I was younger. Parents divorced when I was almost 6. He was physically abusive to my older sister (she has a different Dad). He remarried (not right away), and has a step daughter. He only paid $150 a month in child support to my mother. Never really gave me shit in the way of gifts, or cards, or whatever, but my step sister got anything she wanted. She did what they wanted her to, and wound up with a new car.

I haven't had any telephone contact with my father in about 10 years, and it's been about 15 years since I've seen him. I don't even know if he's still alive. He always wanted me to be the one to initiate contact and I think that's bullshit. He's supposed to be the parent, he can fucking act like it.

I am his only child, but I was the "great disappointment", because I live my life for ME, not for anyone else. My father is also racist, and since I married someone that is Native American, I can say I'm better off without a relationship with him.

I hope your father will come around and see how he's treating you, but based on my own personal experience, he won't. He'll make it seem like it's your fault, when in reality HE is the ADULT, and YOU are the CHILD. He should act like an adult, and a parent.

Just because you have a 'new' family doesn't mean you can shit all over the family you've already got.

 

[abbyquack]

Kudos to you for seeing your family as a priority, especially at such a young age. I'm sad that your dad's acting this way. I really don't know what goes through some of these men's heads, lol. My father in law recently divorced my mother in law, after 40 yrs and 9 kids, and promptly thereafter married a 26 yr old (he's 69). He is a really difficult person to have a relationship with, because no matter how many times we've initiated a relationship, he doesn't reciprocate. I realized that there really can't be a relationship unless both parties are willing and put in the effort.

It sounds like your father was offended about the thing at Christmas. He's probably hurt that his wife was trying to make a conscious effort by buying your tickets, and then you turned it down. He probably assumes you were being ungrateful or don't want a relationship with them. While that may not be the case, it's easy to see how the miscommunication could occur. That's why it's really important for you to tell your dad how you really feel, express that you do want contact with him, and even tell him that you're still a little upset about what happened btwn him and your mom. Tell him basically that he needs to buck up, stop playing childish games and be the father that he knows he can be.

I know it's hard but as someone else mentioned, email is also a good way. I've got to email my own dad in the next couple of days about things so you're not the only one

In the end, your dad may not change. You may wait 30 yrs for him to change and he may never. Ultimately he has to make that decision for himself. Just don't get too frustrated, and realize that life goes on, and there sounds like there are many other wonderful people in your life with whom you can surround yourself

Good luck.

 

[MxAxC-_ATTACK]

It could also be, that since you didn't want to come out and see him , he may have taken it the wrong way and thought you didn't want to see him at all, maybe he thought you were upset with him, so he may be waiting for you to make the first move. Some may consider it childish, but maybe he is just trying to give you space.

My dad got really really mad at me once, and I left the house for a few weeks, and we didn't talk AT ALL , I came to the house while he was gone at work to see my dogs and get clothes, then one day I couldn't take it anymore and I went back home while he was there and he was very happy to see me, it was nothing like I had expected.

 

[chaffsters33]

I was talking to my mom and step dad last night a little bit about this and it turns out that my dad isn't really talking to my brother either. My brother had this leadership program retreat and each family member was supposed to write a letter to him. My mom emailed my dad to ask him to send one and he said he would do it. Rather rudely, I might add. Lo and behold, there was no letter from PoppaJerkFace.

Talking with my parents and reflecting on his behavior when and I was younger and now is really confusing me on what to do.
I don't want to lose all contact with him in the future, but I am so angry at him right now for this. Abso-freaking-lutely 100% unacceptable behavior for a parent. I also decided that if, god forbid, anything happened to my mother I would go to court(step-dad's and mom's plans. lawyer parents, gotta love them) and have myself emancipated so I could live with my step dad. I just wouldn't want to put myself in a potentially damaging and uncomfortable situation with an emotional bully.

Thank you everyone for you advice.

 

[Jewels4Jewels]

My story is almost yours exactly. Here's the difference. I'm now 47.

You are a eloquent and well spoken young lady. Your Dad should be very proud of you.

Unfortunately, our Dad's are sometimes locked up in a 16yo's body. At least my Dad was. Everything was with his new wife and family. His new wife was also the other woman. It was hard to stand by and watch him treat them differently while I was kicked to the curb.

If I can give you any gift it would be to know this isn't about you. It's about him and not being able to think outside of his own selfish box. I think what you'll find the older you get is your Dad is going to have a lot of regrets.

To talk to someone like a counselor who is outside of this situation would be ideal.

My anger towards my Dad helped put me on the road of eating disorders and alcoholism. When I got into recovery I emptied the bag of rocks I carried around for 20 years.

I was able to finally accept my Dad for who he was. No expectations (which are planned resentments). I was also able to shield my kids in using him as a reverse role model. So in the end I received many good life lessons and it's helped me be the best parent I could ever be.

Last year my Dad died suddenly. We were close and connected & I thank god for that every day.

The moral of the story. Break the cycle your Dad is in. Find an outside party who can help you get clear vision and please know..... It isn't you. You are perfect as you are. Once I was able to let go of my Dad's life and live mine to the fullest I was healed. Not only that in the end my Dad and I reconnected and had the best relationship he was possible of giving.

 

[chaffsters33]

Thank you everyone for your insight. My family went to visit my brother and as a favor to him I called my dad. And Wow. He acted like there was nothing wrong. I spoke pretty shortly to him and when he said "we haven't talked in a while" I got a little passive aggressive. I went with the whole, "Yeah, its been about four or five months now"

Good lord, he is such a liar. He tried to tell me he would call my cell and leave messages and I wouldn't call him back.Boo-frickety-hoo. Technology doesn't lie daddy, but apparently you do!

We chatted for a while and I talked to my stepmom and half sister. I'm not really angry anymore, just surprised at what a douchebag he is.

 

[MxAxC-_ATTACK]

Sometimes its easier for people to push things aside and "forget" about them rather than confront them. I know I do it.