Does anyone have to deal with your man's grandparents like this? D:

[BloodMittens]

I know a lot of people have to deal with the whole "I don't like your girlfriend because she's this way, that way, she's spanish, she's african-american, she's white!" bullcrap. But what about heritage? Like, have you ever seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding?

Well, that's kinda what I'm going through. Except I'm half Russian, half Lithuanian. Little history, Russia occupied the country of Lithuania for over a century from 1795-1918. Then again in WWII, they took over the country and eventually Lithuania was it's own country again and has been for years now

Okay, history lesson done.

Well, my boyfriend is 100% lithuanian. His grandparents on his mother's and father's side are refuges from Lithuania. His parents are both 100% as well, leading him and his brother to have the full heritage of Lithuania. They both didn't speak english until they entered school in kindergarten. So, when my boyfriend met me, he had no idea I was lithuanian at all until I told him. My mother was 100% Russian (She died a little after I was born, and I have a different mother now), and my father 100% Lithuanian.

Well, when I met his mother's parents. They both loved me and told me they were so happy their grandson met a good girl with lithuanian heritage at all! They were especially estatic that I was 50% even, saying that was almost uncommon now-a-days. But when they asked the other 50% of my heritage I told them Russian and they almost cringed. It seemed all they could see in me after that was my Russian side and acted differently around me until Ray eventually told them it didn't matter and they better get a hold of themselves because if he was to marry me, it shouldn't matter and they should be happy. Well, now they treat me like a second daughter, and I feel better about it

Well, my boyfriend's dad's mother is a LOT different. She almost won't acknowledge I exist. And when she does, she mumbles all the time in Lithuanian (which yes, I can understand a lot of what she is saying because my grandmother did the same). My boyfriend told me she had a sister before she immagrated here who was taken away by Russian soldiers to a military camp and she never saw her again. And her husband was also killed by Russian's in WWII. So needless to say, she hates me. I feel sorry for her, and I feel she has the right to hate my Russian side, but it's not who I am, I'm not a soldier and I'm not going to hunt her in the middle of the night and spear her. My boyfriend has tried to talk to her and she refuses to listen to him. She has tried to tell my boyfriend that I am a horrible monster who will take everything he owns. Of course he doesn't listen and thinks she's senile. But when my boyfriend proposed to me a few months ago, she flipped out. She won't talk to him, she refuses to see her own son who gave his blessing to me and my boyfriend. She wrote my boyfriend out of her will saying he was her favorite grandson and now he is dead to her.

How can I try and make this better? I understand she is having a temper tantrum right now because she is not getting what she wants, and she does have a right to hate those Russian soldiers, but I don't think she has a right to hate me. I want her to come to the wedding, because she pretty much raised my boyfriend until he was 4 years old, and it hurts me to see him almost heartbroken that she says she won't come.

Anyone have this problem?

How did you fix it if you did? I need advice

 

[hooked*on*mac]

wow ! thats some pretty serious stuff happening there !
if you both love each other then you will both be able to sort this out and get through it. we are living in the 21st century now and it is not your fault about what happened time ago. sometimes people are just set in their ways and there is not to much you can do about it, when you get maried she will just have to accept it sooner or later. Dont let her Tantrum spoil something special !

 

[user79]

Obviously his grandmother is way out of line with her attitude towards you, but war wounds, especially such traumatic ones as she obviously went through, never really go away. She is an old woman and won't change her opinion.

As long as you are fine with him and his parents, I think you're ok, and don't break your head over his grandma, she's not really that important to your relationship anyway. Maybe in time she will warm up to you and realize she's being out of line in regards to her grandson.

If you really want to try to get her to like you, maybe try to sweeten her up a bit? Send her a thoughtful card maybe? But you're not obligated to do so...

 

[ginger9]

This might sound a bit off than what you might except to hear. But I can totally understand why his grandmother feels this way. Both my grandparents fought the Japanese back on the mainland, and what they've experienced and witnessed will stay with them forever. I won't go into all the details but for those who witness atrocities of war the memories and feeling are embedded within. Sure logically it makes no sense to despise a whole race for generations but war and people's lives is beyond logic. We have been lucky enough not to have lived through it ourselves and I shudder just trying to fathom what it's like to go through something like that.

My take on this is it's better not to say call her senile, illogical or "should get with the new millennium" as this will just antagonize the situation even more. Use a softer approach, make her feel like you and the family respect her feelings about what happened in the past. Be sympathetic to her feelings, get her to calm down and then have a conversation (Maybe get your fiancée to have this conversation) ask her to give herself chance to get to know you. Maybe set up a truce period. Besides, elderly people are stubborn, it's always better to use a soft approach

Getting her to turn around is going to take some time, it will not happen over night. But I think the soft approach is best as you don't need drama like this if you can help it. HTH. Good luck!