How to help friend "stuck" in LDR

[RedRibbon]

Hey everyone

As the title suggests, I need a bit of help re. my friend.

We have been friends since we were 11 (she is now 26 and I am 25) and she has for the past few years been in an LDR with a guy she met on the net.

Anyway, she met this guy on the web (hi5 of all places) when she was about 22 and they got chatting, they spoke for ages on the phone/internet/msn etc..and she made doubly sure what he wanted from a relationship and he said all the right things..then they decided to meet up and according to her it went pretty well..then they got into an argument about the situation in Northern Ireland (he's Irish and she didn't understand the situation and she thought it was wrong he called the Pope a cunt and so they stopped talking)...

That hit her really hard but she managed to get over him and move on with her life..she was about 24 at this time. She turned 26 and he sent her an email saying he was sorry etc..so they got back together.

They have been together since about last November and me and my other friends are convinced he is cheating on her and have tried voicing our concern to her about this but she won't listen.

She sends him a text to say hi, he won't reply for weeks on end. He was recently in hospital and when he got out she rang him to see how he was doing and he was with another woman (she had the phone on speakerphone and I was with her) and saying things to her that you only say to someone that you're sleeping with.

I told her to tell him to stop messing her around and she did this, he apologised a few days afterwards. She has been very good, hasn't sent him a text or phoned him or anything but he's done the old "send you a text meant for someone else" twice. First, he sent her one last week about his night out arrangements and then this morning he sent her one saying "I love you..I can't wait to have your cock in me again".

Oh, another thing I forgot to mention, he wanted to go to the Fat Duck and go on that Blumenthal taster session, she booked both of them onto the most expensive one and he rang her saying that he couldn't make it 10 mins before the session was due to start

She tries really really hard to make it work and up to recently he would just text her when he fancied a quick shag and her being stupid would run on over and give him it and then he'd ignore her again. She's finally realised that she has to stop that and hasn't been providing the "goods" and surprise surprise he's stopped texting.

What would be the most sensible thing to do next? My friend is heart broken and she doesn't need this kinda shit, if he's moved on then that's fine but the least he could do is be a man and bloody tell her instead of sending her texts that another woman has sent him..

I really don't know what to tell her, well I do, but now isn't the time to tell her, I know I should wait but is there anyway I can make it a bit easier for her? She has done so much for this bastard and he just blatantly lies to her face. Is it really hard to ring a girl/send her one email? Nobody is that busy!

 

[monirock]

tell her to change her number then sit with her while she does it. the guy is a douchebag & he doesn't deserve anymore than that, no explanation, nothing. then have all his emails immediately fwd'd to spam.

 

[Shoegal-fr]

the simple fact that he waited 2 years to send her an email to apologize is quite relevant: he was bored at that very moment and looked out for a toy to play with. She needs to realize that.

 

[RedRibbon]

Quote:

Originally Posted by monirock tell her to change her number then sit with her while she does it. the guy is a douchebag & he doesn't deserve anymore than that, no explanation, nothing. then have all his emails immediately fwd'd to spam.

She has changed her number before but then given in and sent him a text. A lot of people have told her that he is no good for her and I hate him for being such a bastard and sending her texts that another girl has sent him. I know his plan, send a wrong text to her "accidentally" get chatting and get her to come over and fuck him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shoegal-fr the simple fact that he waited 2 years to send her an email to apologize is quite relevant: he was bored at that very moment and looked out for a toy to play with. She needs to realize that.

This is what I told her. It's kinda sad in a way becuase when we were at college I would have been the one most likely to be in her situation and she'd be in mine but I suppose we all mature differently. Also, he didn't come out and apologise, she sent him a random text and then he said he was sorry. I told her straight up that if me and Mr RR get into an argument and he's wrong, if he hasn't apologised within a day he gets the silent treatment and that makes him think again but she lets her guy get away with murder. When he comes to see her, she pays..it's odd because she pays for him to come, he will stay in a hotel for two days and only see her for an afternoon so what is he doing in the rest of that time?


Thank you both for replying so quickly

 

[Shoegal-fr]

Okay... that's a really f***** up relationship.

But, you know, sometimes, there's nothing much that we could do other than just be here and support our friends when bad things happen.

Often, people can't realize things, and the more we try to make them open their eyes, the more they dive into the illusion... it's sad, but it's a fact.

 

[RedRibbon]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shoegal-fr Okay... that's a really f***** up relationship. But, you know, sometimes, there's nothing much that we could do other than just be here and support our friends when bad things happen. Often, people can't realize things, and the more we try to make them open their eyes, the more they dive into the illusion... it's sad, but it's a fact.

It's just had that she won't understand, it was fine the first time it happened to her because we all rallied around her but he's been doing this so much now that we want her to wake up and realise.

I just feel that the longer it takes her to realise, the worse she will get. As I said, she's been really good recently and has had no contact with him at all but it's hard when he texts her the "wrong" message and it gets her down. I'm making sure she changes her number by the end of the week

 

[Blushbaby]

All you can do, is just be there for her when shit hits teh fan...again. Eventually I hope she'll wake up one morning and say "Enough is enough" and cut this guy off once and for all.

Are you guys in the UK?

 

[Shoegal-fr]

Yes, make sure she's changing her number! I just hope that she's really willing to move on with her life, and that she doesn't note his number somewhere and call him again...

Fingers crossed here! Because such a relationship isn't only energy consuming, but above all... time consuming, and time would never come back.

 

[RedRibbon]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blushbaby All you can do, is just be there for her when shit hits teh fan...again. Eventually I hope she'll wake up one morning and say "Enough is enough" and cut this guy off once and for all. Are you guys in the UK?

Yeah we both are

He lives in NI but it doesn't take long to get over there. My friend is getting married in NI in the near future and we are going to that, I'm going to get her off him before then though

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shoegal-fr Yes, make sure she's changing her number! I just hope that she's really willing to move on with her life, and that she doesn't note his number somewhere and call him again... Fingers crossed here! Because such a relationship isn't only energy consuming, but above all... time consuming, and time would never come back.

She has been quite good recently, before she'd text and then when he didn't reply within a day she would text again but now she hasn't sent him a text since last Weds or something.

 

[RedRibbon]

I've just come back from her place and I think she's realised that she's too good for him. She's been out, bought a new sim card and has changed her number. She has deleted his number from her phonebook on both her new and old phone and has spoken to him and gotten some stuff off her chest. He tried to give her an excuse and then put the phone down so she wrote it all in an email and sent it to him. He has replied back about 15 times saying he's really sorry etc..and how (how lame is this) he was forwarding a message to his friend from a girl who thinks she's got a chance with him despite him having a hot girlfriend (how stupid does he think she is?)

She's staying the night with me though because she went through a period of self harming after they broke up last time so I want to make sure she's safe.

She wrote his number down on the back of a calendar and was honest enough to tell me so I shredded that part of the paper.

 

[Shoegal-fr]

Seems like she's back on track!

Take good care of her and of yourself too... a girly night then? Hey it's time for ice cream, chocolate, candy, a movie, and bitching about men!

Quote:

Originally Posted by RedRibbon I've just come back from her place and I think she's realised that she's too good for him. She's been out, bought a new sim card and has changed her number. She has deleted his number from her phonebook on both her new and old phone and has spoken to him and gotten some stuff off her chest. He tried to give her an excuse and then put the phone down so she wrote it all in an email and sent it to him. He has replied back about 15 times saying he's really sorry etc..and how (how lame is this) he was forwarding a message to his friend from a girl who thinks she's got a chance with him despite him having a hot girlfriend (how stupid does he think she is?) She's staying the night with me though because she went through a period of self harming after they broke up last time so I want to make sure she's safe. She wrote his number down on the back of a calendar and was honest enough to tell me so I shredded that part of the paper.

 

[RedRibbon]

Exactly

I'm really pleased at how quickly she's moved but she told me tht she'd been thinking about it for a while and that she only realised that he was avoiding her when her best male friend who is snowed under with work (he's at work from like 7 am until 10 pm at the mo) found time to send her a few texts in the day and the NI guy (who works nights in a warehouse from Mon-Thurs) couldn't do the same..

She's straightening her hair at the moment and I'm off at 10 to watch some Family Guy with her and see if we can't squeeze in a viewing of Dumb and Dumber

To her credit she hasn't gone to check her phone once and is talking about it quite a bit which is good.

Hahah@bitching about men, Mr RR is being bitched about as he's hacked me off this past week too, I've got a good week of staying angry at him as he's out of the country.

 

[Shoegal-fr]

Awww this is so not cool when the SO is out of the country...

But at least, you have your friend, and i'm pretty sure you're going to have some fun there!

I sincelery hope everything will work out for her, and that everything will be good for you too!

Men, men, men...

Quote:

Originally Posted by RedRibbon Exactly I'm really pleased at how quickly she's moved but she told me tht she'd been thinking about it for a while and that she only realised that he was avoiding her when her best male friend who is snowed under with work (he's at work from like 7 am until 10 pm at the mo) found time to send her a few texts in the day and the NI guy (who works nights in a warehouse from Mon-Thurs) couldn't do the same.. She's straightening her hair at the moment and I'm off at 10 to watch some Family Guy with her and see if we can't squeeze in a viewing of Dumb and Dumber To her credit she hasn't gone to check her phone once and is talking about it quite a bit which is good. Hahah@bitching about men, Mr RR is being bitched about as he's hacked me off this past week too, I've got a good week of staying angry at him as he's out of the country.

 

[User93]

First, I dont think is is stuck in the "long distance" relationship but just a relationship. The distance doesnt change the fact the guy is an ashole, but he could (I would say would) act the same in real life. So, no offence but long distance has nothing to do with it.

I think you did your best already telling her all you did. Sometimes people just need to get over something themself... And not any point you make would mak a difference beforte she realises herself that "enough is enough"

 

[RedRibbon]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alibi First, I dont think is is stuck in the "long distance" relationship but just a relationship. The distance doesnt change the fact the guy is an ashole, but he could (I would say would) act the same in real life. So, no offence but long distance has nothing to do with it. I think you did your best already telling her all you did. Sometimes people just need to get over something themself... And not any point you make would mak a difference beforte she realises herself that "enough is enough"

That point has been made to her and she's been told in a nice way that there are guys who live closer who would treat her much nicer.

She was quite upbeat etc..when she left for work this morning and she has had any emails from him diverted from her Blackberry to my email account and he's sent her nigh on 50 messages which she can read or delete when she gets home.