I need an unbiased opinion (or two, or three...)

[AmiS4ys]

So I've been with my bf for 14 months and up until late May-early June, things haven't been going as smoothly. My dad had major surgery June 3rd and since then, he's been in the hospital. Because my dad has been in the hospital, this takes a lot of time away from seeing by bf (who lives with his parents as i do). During this time, I've been upset over the shitty hospital my dad's at, my lack of seeing the boyfriend and my mom because she can't stop stressing out herself.

The lack of seeing my bf is a huge deal to me and a lot of things that irritate me come from this annoyance. Most of it is all financial issues. The reason my bf can't see me is because he doesn't have a car. He doesn't have a car because he whines about never having money to fix his clunker, and he can't buy a new one (no credit). He makes 3x than I do a week (which isn't much anyway), and only has to pay insurance, storage unit rent, cell phone, maybe groceries, and a cheap gym membership. I get irritated because from the day we got together, he hasn't been able to be financial capable of himself. Since then, nothing has changed and I'm not sure what can be done about that.

I also have a couple more annoyances. Keep in mind, as you read this, that my bf has never been mean, angry, resentful or anything towards me. He has only been the sweetest person. Which tears me apart because my next annoyance is that things romantically have gone almost entirely down the tube. I never receive any kind of compliment or romantic gesture. Period. I can count on my hands the number of small little knick knacks he's gotten me over the 14 months. I mean, yes, it sounds a bit materialistic but it's nice to know he thinks about me. I wish i had a boyfriend who remembered what I like or disliked and got me things. It's not so much that I would love him to buy me something, but that he cares enough to remember what I like. He also just forgets things I tell him. For example, I've told him my school schedule at least eight times this past week, without exaggeration. I feel like he doesn't care to remember things, but just likes it when I'm around.

The next thing is a little more personal: intimacy. There isn't any "love" in it. The last time we did anything, it was over in two minutes and I didn't feel any kind of love into. I mean it doesn't have to be mushy, but sex should be fun! And lately, it hasn't been all that fun.

However, the last problem I'm having is partially my fault. Recently, I've started talking to a good (and attractive) friend again, and we've mutually like each other for a good few years. Things had happened back then to where we couldn't be together. I feel the previous problem comes from the fact that I basically want to be with my friend intimately, but I feel that dumping one person for another is a very wrong thing to do. My friend and I have discussed this as well and he doesn't think I should be jumping guy to guy either.

Basically, you can tell from this thread that I'm unhappy with my relationship, and talking to an old friend of mine just puts the icing on the cake. I don't REALLY want to break up with my bf, because:

1. He means well. He really does. He has to be the sweetest person who always has my back. He wants to marry me. You know, when we ever have money.

2. I think the thought of him screwing around with other girls after the break up would kill me on the inside and make me more depressed than I am to begin with.

I absolutely know that something about this scenario is unhealthy, and I want to fix that. Any advice or help would be wonderful! Thank you so much

 

[06290714]

Hmm, I don't have TOO much advice really but I hope that everything works out for you and your bf as well as you're father. One thing I must say, IMO I don't think you should break up with your bf because you know there's somebody else there (not that I'm saying you are) but do it because you honestly and truly don't want to be with your bf anymore. Follow your heart, don't think about the what if's and the negative. Do what you want and what your heart tell you. Also, have you sat down and talked to him about how you feel?

*HUGS*

 

[AmiS4ys]

Quote:

Originally Posted by 06290714 Hmm, I don't have TOO much advice really but I hope that everything works out for you and your bf as well as you're father. One thing I must say, IMO I don't think you should break up with your bf because you know there's somebody else there (not that I'm saying you are) but do it because you honestly and truly don't want to be with your bf anymore. Follow your heart, don't think about the what if's and the negative. Do what you want and what your heart tell you. Also, have you sat down and talked to him about how you feel? *HUGS*

I haven't talked to him because I honestly can't find the words to say to him, that might change things. I feel like I'm getting no where in this relationship.

 

[dietcokeg]

iam so sorry to hear about all your troubles. i was in a relationship similiar to urs and odnt worry ur not being at all materialistic, its nice 2 be noticed sometimes. one of the biggest lessons ive learned from past relationships is that their is nothing worse then being with somebody who doesnt want to be with you. if the roles were switched and he had second thoughts about being with wouldnt u want him 2 talk to you about it? thats my advice to you. iam with you on the intamacy thing again, sex should be fun and last alot longer then 2 minutes - maybe he has other things on his mind? i also understand ur frustration about not being able to see him as often as you would like, ive been in a long distance relationship for over 3 years and i rarely see him but we do love eachother - weve been through our ups and downs. if ur meant to be toghter and then u will be no matter wat. regarding the other guy you want to be with, i think u should take things easy with him, talk to ur current boyfriend first and see where that takes you but dont let it stress you, ur family needs you more then he does at this moment in time and i think you should concentrate on them for the time being till things with your dad gets better. hope i was of some sweeite X

 

[cazgh]

Hey there - really sorry to hear about your dad and hope he gets better soon.

In an ideal world your boyfriend would take on board what you are saying and do something about it - so you need to sit him down and tell him how you feel and see if he is prepared to do more about it and make your next decision based on that.

Unfortunately in my experience usually these things don't change because its a pattern that is very hard to be broken. I am nowadays very harsh though after a bad experience I had in which the guy told me he wanted to marry me, but then could never quite get round to it.

Everyone deserves a chance and I would give him that - but it does sound like mentally you are moving on and away from him. That has always been for me the beginning of the end. It sounds like your blossoming friendship may just be something you need to help you take the next step - I dont mean jumping from one guy to another, but having this other guy appreciate you is going to give you the strength that you need. (Hey sometimes fate just does put things in the right place and at the right time).

I'm not saying he is a bad egg - he certainly doesn't sound it and everything could either really work out well, or he could just not be 'the one' for you - as you want different things than he is offering

Good luck and hugs from me anyway

 

[MissMarley]

It sounds like you already know what you want to do, you're just having trouble doing it. If you don't want to be with him, then don't- you're not doing either of you any favors by dragging out a relationship that you aren't happy in. I know that sounds harsh, but I realized that over-analyzing things was usually just my way of putting off the inevitable. Breakups are hard, but it's a fresh start.

 

[AmiS4ys]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissMarley It sounds like you already know what you want to do, you're just having trouble doing it. If you don't want to be with him, then don't- you're not doing either of you any favors by dragging out a relationship that you aren't happy in. I know that sounds harsh, but I realized that over-analyzing things was usually just my way of putting off the inevitable. Breakups are hard, but it's a fresh start.

Sounds like it, right? But honestly, I don't know what I want to do. I love being around him and I love his personality. But I'm not sure if what I've stated above is selfish.

I guess I'm also afraid of the repercussions.

 

[LMD84]

i hope that you're dad is doing ok

as far as your boyfriend goes - you NEED to break up with him. even if he's the nicest guy on earth, it's obvious that you're just not feeling it anymore. as much as it sucks breaking up, it'll suck more if you continue the relationship. esp if another guy is getting involved. fingers crossed it all works out for you - be strong!

 

[Civies]

Maybe your boyfriend needs a wake up call .. do you ever sit down and talk to him about your financial situation ? I know it's just money and everything but it has a lot to do with hmm.. his willingness to make things work. He knows he needs to save money for your wedding, and over these past few years he hasn't even saved a dime.


Your boyfriend needs to get his priorities straight

He seems like a really awesome guy though ..

 

[User27]

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[ForgetRegret]

I heart Cas in a totally non-lesbian way...she always seems to take conversations in the same direction as my mind was headed. To piggyback a little on some of the things she said, I think making any definite decisions about your relationship right now might be a bad idea. You've got a lot going on right now, worrying about both of your parents, and it could lead to a rash decision which you'll regret later. Honestly I'd say your best bet is to get through the situation with your father (I do hope he recovers quickly

), and then look at things with your bf.

If he truly wants to marry you, then he shouldn't be opposed to sitting down and talking about your relationship, because right now, he sounds like he's pretty immature, and maybe all he needs is a prod in the right direction to get on track. Sit down and talk with him about all the things that have been bothering you...you know that no relationship will last without communication...and you can't expect him to come to you when he doesn't know there's something wrong. Express the fact that you love him, and care for him, but you're concerned about the money thing, like how are the two of you going to get married and have any sort of life if he can't save money? Ask if there's anything bothering him that he hasn't mentioned to you (perhaps there's something wrong, and he doesn't want to add to your stress), it could be the factor that lead to your recent not-so-fun, short-lived sack session(s).

As for your friend, if the two of you are close, I'd tell him that you're trying to work things out with your bf, and that you'd like him to respect that. If he's a real friend, he'll refrain from coming on to you, and will stop you if you start down that path yourself. Otherwise, if you just can't help yourself, you may want to consider (painful as it may be) just not talking with him until you and your relationship with your bf are more solid. There's no reason to set yourself up for failure...and if you're feeling sexually deprived, and this guy is around, that could be what you're doing unless your willpower is amazing.

It's a crappy situation, but you'll get through it...just keep yourself and your family at the forefront of your mind, those are the most important things right now...if the bf loves you, he'll understand and continue to be quietly supportive while you go through this ordeal.

Much love sweetie...GL!

 

[AmiS4ys]

Hi everyone! Thank you all for your advice it means a lot to me. The reason I haven't replied is just because I wanted to reply when I had an update to the whole situation, but my dad just got discharged from the hospital so we're trying to accommodate (sp?) him back into home life again.

I thank you all for your kind words, and I will post again when I've talked to my bf about everything.

 

[AmiS4ys]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Casadalinnis I was totally baffled by some parts of your posts but can tell you you're going to hurt way worse the way things are heading.

Hi Cas, may I ask how were you baffled? Not trying to be mean, I just would like to hear some insight. Thanks!

 

[User27]

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[frocher]

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[AmiS4ys]

Quote:

Originally Posted by frocher You are not selfish for wanting your needs met. The last part of this post troubles me, what repercussions are you referring to?

Hi there!

When referring to "repercussions", I really meant ANYTHING negative that comes out of ending a relationship; resentment, guilt, anger, etc. It's just really hard for me to end things like this (when/if i would end it), because I've been on the opposite shoe of this situation. I know the feelings one has when they're dumped and ONLY that kind of feeling. I've never been the "dumpee". To me, this whole situation is really hard because I've also never known what its like to have an unsatisfying relationship.

However, there are physical repercussions that I am afraid of, mostly for my BF's sake. My bf comes from a very...drug-dependent family? Especially alcohol. His dad's whole side of the family has an alcohol problem, and he is trying so hard not to follow in his dad's footsteps. I feel that if I were to end things, he would care less about his well-being and drink himself into a depression. He's never outright said that he would, but I've known too many people in similar situations end up in such a manner. So, it downright scares me.

 

[AmiS4ys]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ForgetRegret I heart Cas in a totally non-lesbian way...she always seems to take conversations in the same direction as my mind was headed. To piggyback a little on some of the things she said, I think making any definite decisions about your relationship right now might be a bad idea. You've got a lot going on right now, worrying about both of your parents, and it could lead to a rash decision which you'll regret later. Honestly I'd say your best bet is to get through the situation with your father (I do hope he recovers quickly ), and then look at things with your bf.

So, should I just try to keep things with the BF on the backburner? I'm not sure what I should do in that case, because I've always kind of assumed that the quicker I try to fix things up, the better.

 

[ForgetRegret]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AmiS4ys So, should I just try to keep things with the BF on the backburner? I'm not sure what I should do in that case, because I've always kind of assumed that the quicker I try to fix things up, the better.

No, I don't necessarily mean put him on the back burner, but while your dad was in the hospital and your mom was stressing, I thought it'd be better to focus on your family. They should come first. Now that your dad is home, though, things should start to get a little easier for you, I would go ahead and make some time very soon to sit and talk to your boyfriend about the things that bother you about your relationship.

About your other post, regarding your concern about what would happen if you broke up with your bf, I hate to sound callous and uncaring, but if he chooses to drink himself into oblivion, that's his choice. If he needs to to make him happy and care about himself, it's NOT a healthy situation for you to be in. You should never be made to feel like you're the only thing keeping him afloat. You're his gf, not his therapist. He should WANT to be with you, not NEED to be with you...they're very different scenarios. I hate to say it, because I know this would go against everything that you would probably want to do, but if he's dependent upon you to stay "clean", you need to try and get him some help...in a situation like that, YOU are his addiction, and it's not good for either one of you. You deserve to be loved and wanted, and he should be able to function on his own as an independent man before he can truly function in a relationship. Just my 2 cents, but I hope this helps a little, and I hope that you see where I'm coming from.

 

[milamonster]

First, I hope your dad is doing better and he will pull through ok =)
Second, I think (like every1 else said) you should break up with your boyfriend
I also think you should be by yourself for a while because you seem to be very stressed right now with your dad and mom and that might not be a good space to be in for you righ tnow because you said bascially youre not handling it too well. And not only because of that but you already sound like your mind is made up. Kind of like one foot is out of the door. Bascially anythign he does is really going to annoy you. And he also doesnt seem to be too into it but if his financial state is really all that sucky i could see and understand why he is stressed however he needs to grow up and handle it like an adult. Also work through your feelings and thoughts and you can truly see if you really want to be with this other dude or if its just the loneliness setting in.

 

[User27]

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