Ladies, I need a little encouragement :(

[abbyquack]

So my husband and I are going through some really rough times right now in our relationship- in fact, I'll be lucky if we're married still by the end of the year. We are separating this summer, and we'll take it from there I guess.

And, with all of this B.S. I'm dealing with, I have started to wonder: are there men out there that are decent? I mean, it seems like all the relationships I know of are crap; the men bemoan the fact that they are on a "leash" even if no such leash exists; and on t.v. and in society, marriage is considered a prison for men. It just seems like they're miserable, no matter how hard you try to make them happy. I've let my husband do whatever he wants in his life, given him whatever he wants, even maybe forgotten myself in the process sometimes. But it's never been a prison, yet he is unhappy.

The only successful relationship I know of were my grandparents, but even my grandma said that one time in their marriage, they went 6 months without talking! If that were a modern marriage, that would never fly, they'd have been divorced. At the end, they were both deeply in love, but they're the only ones I know that succeeded.

I dunno, I'm just wondering if marriage is even worth working on, or if I should just be a player for the rest of my life?

 

[euphrosyne_rose]

I don't know that I'd be in the majority here, but I personally believe that too many people put too much emphasis on "make it work" when it comes to marriage. More times than not, we females let things drag on and on and on hoping it'll get better and things will work out eventually and alot of the time that never happens. Not that it's any one person's fault but you can't beat a dead horse and expect it to run. That's not to say if there's one little glitch people should run for the hills but I am a true believer in the thinking that if you know deep down in your heart that things aren't the way they should be, then they aren't. You have to trust your inner voice. Sometimes your heart can be smarter than your head. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm a little more freethinking when it comes to marriage in that I think alot of people still adhere to the ages old way of thinking...that you have to stick it out no matter what and I don't believe it. If it's not working then it's not working and there's no reason 2 people should sit around and be miserable when they don't have to be. Some people just bring out the worse in each other and I believe people should take happiness where they find it, provided they don't intentionally hurt anyone in the process. I'm not saying that people who aren't happy should go out and have an affair but they should be courageous enough to say "Hey, I love you but this isn't working for me and I think we could both be happier elsewhere".

I think my best advice to you would be to really sit down and think about how you want your life to be. Do you love this person enough to continue to stay with them keeping in mind the possibility that things might not ever change? Do you love them enough to look past that and continue on? Do you think things CAN change? If things were different do you think you'd be happier? I don't want anyone to misconstrue the "love enough" part though b/c I'm not saying that if the answer is no then you don't love that person. Sometimes love isn't enough in alot of situations and if you love them and care for them and still don't think you can handle being with them, it's ok. It happens. You can love someone to pieces and still not be able to "be" with them.

You didn't mention if you had children or not but I also believe that "staying together for the kids" isn't always the right idea. From experience as a child of divorce, I think it's better for kids to see their parents "apart" and happy than "together" and miserable and fighting.

I am almost 31 and was married when I was 20. I was divorced by the time I was 23 b/c things just weren't working out and I was miserable. All the time. I tried to talk things out and tried to make things work and in the end, it just wasn't happening. Looking back, it was one of the best decisions I ever made and it took alot of guts for me to do what I did but I don't regret a second of any of it. I don't regret getting married just for the experience and seasoning it brought to my life and I certainly don't regret ending it b/c I am a much happier person since doing so. I've had more than my share of train wreck relationships since then and I don't feel like I need to get married again but that could be something that changes one day. It just depends on if it feels right for me one day. I'm not going to married just for the sake of having a husband and over the past year or so, have thought about it alot and I'm not sure that I can promise "death do us part" when there are too many things that can happen in a marriage that can make it fall apart.

Hopefully all my jabbering didn't bring you down any further but in the end, what I am trying to get across is that in the end, it's all boils down to what feels right for YOU. Listen to what your gut is telling you. If it says to try and work things out, then do that. If it tells you that maybe being apart would be better, then try it. Nothing is written in stone.

Hugs!

 

[purrtykitty]

Perhaps some men are cut out for marriage and some are not. From what you've said, if you've let him do whatever he wants and not held him back, so, the way I see it, the problem lies with him. I'm not saying that there isn't the possibility for you two to work things out, and the separation might just be what you both need...for him to figure out what he really wants, and for you to evaluate whether you want to be the one who's always trying to make things work.

I really hope that you are both able to find what it is that you want. No marriage is a happy one if one or both parties are unhappy. I'm always available to talk if you need to.

 

[Simply Elegant]

I don't think marriage is necessarily a prison but it could be if you felt stuck because of money or whatever else that makes it more difficult to leave. I think people don't want to ask the tough questions and jump in too fast to get married and then they feel stuck. They avoid problems because they're in love with the idea of getting married and that perfect life that they forget or avoid asking questions and being similar in what they want, personalities, values etc.

Separation might be good for you guys for a few months to see how things are but if you both don't have the right attitude about it, no amount of separtion will help to fix the problems.

 

[Shadowy Lady]

Quote:

Originally Posted by purrtykitty Perhaps some men are cut out for marriage and some are not. From what you've said, if you've let him do whatever he wants and not held him back, so, the way I see it, the problem lies with him. I'm not saying that there isn't the possibility for you two to work things out, and the separation might just be what you both need...for him to figure out what he really wants, and for you to evaluate whether you want to be the one who's always trying to make things work.

I agree with this. There are men that should not be married but there are also women who are not marriage material. I see marriage as a partnership, both parties have to be invested in it to make it last. Sometimes ppl like to back off commitment without really trying to make things work (I'm not saying you do that, just clarifying the high divorce rate).

And there are tones of ppl how are in happy marriages. I personally look at my parents as my marriage role models. They've been married 30 years and still act like teenagers in love (cute and creepy, lol!)

Hope everything turns out best for you. Don't lose your faith in men coz of few bad relationships around you. That's like losing faith in humanity coz of wars and injustice. There's always a brighter side

 

[elegant-one]

I really feel for you!

If you yield that kind of 'freedom' to him & he still feels that way, then there is definitely another underlying issue with him. Marriages must have mutual respect in order for it to be a healthy marriage.

Yes, there are guys that want to have a good marriage. I've been married almost 31 years, but I can say that before him there were jerks that would not have made a good husband.

Genuine love prefers the other person above themselves - that's the only glue I know that actually keeps marriages together.

I do hope things work out for you in a way that builds you up as a person too.

 

[abbyquack]

Thank you ladies for all your great words of wisdom, I really think I needed to hear all of this.

Our situation is pretty unique in a LOT of ways: He has a really dysfunctional family, thus had a dysfunctional upbringing, thus he can't really function in a relationship. He is the youngest of 9 siblings and every single one of them have displayed signs of a messed up upbringing, whether it was their lack of trust, their inability to love, or they cheated or got divorced because they were so unsatisfied with themselves and blamed their partners for their unhappiness. It doesn't help that his role model is his father, who cheated on their mother countless times during their 40 year marriage, yet she stuck with him, and in the end he still dumped her. The first time he ever had a heart to heart with his father was a few days before we got married and he told my husband that you can never be happy with a woman. Yet his father got re-married 6 months later to a 26-year-old (he is 70). Great role model!

I don't think it's a coincidence that he is displaying the exact symptoms as all his siblings, although my husband tends to disagree. He luckily is doing some counseling with me, but he also feels like he is his own person and that his family has little influence- but anyone who knows his family can clearly see otherwise.

ANYWAYS, despite all this, we are still best of friends. We have the BEST time every single day, we get along so well, and I've never met anyone like him. Like, we are truly soulmates- it's scary how fate brought us together, as if I knew from the moment I met him that he was the one. But (and a big but), then I find out that he has a whole list of things about me that bothers him. So yea...that's kind of a problem if he is picking me apart!

He has been rejected so many times by his family that it is clear to me that he's afraid I'm gonna reject him so he will do it to me first. So I'm trying to prove to him that I will be there for him, through good times and bad. My sister-in-law dealt with the same thing with his brother, and they have successfully gone through counseling and have a happy marriage. But, I am definitely thinking about divorce as a viable option for myself. I know that even if my s-i-l succeeded, doesn't mean that we can, or that I even want to. I could go through this pain maybe one time, but I can't know how many times I can go through this ordeal.

Anyways, thanks again for the words of encouragement. It really means a lot that you girls care enough to take the time to comment.

 

[euphrosyne_rose]

It certainly sounds to me like you have done quite a bit of thinking and I say hats off to you for being able to sit down and ask yourself the "tough" questions. It takes alot to be able to face yourself and your relationship and the other person to make a decision that ultimately affects more than just yourself. I'm not advocating that divorce should always be the answer if people are unhappy but I also think that it is instilled in us (especially women) that divorce is not ok and if you go that route then you didn't "try your best" and that's not the case.

If your husband has this list of things he doesn't like about you, then that's not cool at all. There's always going to be things about other people in our lives that we don't necessarily care for but to have a whole list of things suggests to me that what you said about his upbringing rings true and it's actually issues within himself that he's dealing with so he uses his unhappiness about you to deflect that. It may be that independent counseling is what he needs right now and who's to say that maybe one day in the future he'll have a better outlook and things could work out a second time around? People do it all the time!

Thanks for listening to our opinions and hopefully things will work out for you the way they are meant to. Some people think it's selfish to make yourself happy but sometimes, you have to do what's right for YOU and not for everyone else. People tend to forget that sometimes!

Let us know how things are going and big hugs to you!

 

[LMD84]

this does sound like a horrid situation... but what shocks me more is that your husband has a whole list of things he doesn't like about you! sure, i would be lying if i said i loved everytyhing about nick, there are a couple of things he does that drives me crazy - like leaving wet towels on the floor after a shower.... but nothing major and certaintly not a whole list. if he said that to you then it seems like perhaps he doesn't respect you as much as he should.

as others have said - marriage isn't easy at all! and it's true, some guys and women just aren't meant to be married. but you and your hubby should perhaps think about what you want from your lives - are they similar goals? if they are then that is great! youcan work towards them together. if you goals aren't the same you can both decide to help and support each other to reach them... or seperate.

i understand what it is like to have a funny upbringing with a dysfunctional family. however i had to learn that i didn't want to be like my parents... if anything watching my parents relastionship has made me realise how much i love nick and that i would never treat him the way my parents treat each other. the fact that your hubby still thinks his father is a good rolew model is worrying. i'm not saying he doesn't love his family - everybody loves this parents - but equally i can admit that my parents at times have been terrible role models and made some very wrong choices in their lives.

good luck hun, i really hope that you can both talk about things

 

[abbyquack]

Thanks for the advice, Lou.

I should clarify that his list was suggested by the therapist that we've been talking to on and off. I am not sure what the point of it is, but I hope we can resolve some of his concerns. It is a bit messed up b/c it went on and on and on, and truly everything was about as petty as leaving towels on the floor. But to him they add up to a huge problem. Now MY problem is that I don't think I could do anything to please him. Even if I complied to everything on the list, he wouldn't be satisfied. It's clear to everyone who knows him that he's pretty much grasping at straws as his brothers did to their wives.

In truth I think our life goals are a bit different, but because I enjoy him so much and we get along (even now through all this, we truly get along), that I am willing to compromise and work to achieve our different goals. I've not felt we were ever going in ridiculously wrong directions. But then again I'm the one who always thought things were pretty damn good, and I guess I was sorely mistaken, lol.

Anyways yea, I have a long road ahead of me but I appreciate all the advice, it has made me think a lot.

 

[LMD84]

well good luck with everything hun, it'll be tough but at the end of the day - you need to make sure you are happy. if you need to talk then just pm me!