Lost and Depressed

[CantAffordMAC]

Hey guys. This might be long but anyways I just need to get my thoughts out and maybe someone can offer advice

Ive been going through a lot lately. Me and my boyfriend got back together in December, and things have still been rough but we have been doing good.

We have rough living situations, he's still at home with his mom, she nags and its just, a depressing situation. he'll be 24 in August. Im 20, I still live at home with my mom, and its not really depressing living here but I just want my own place. I usually am allowed to go to his house, and thats fine. He is allowed to be at my house, but he isnt allowed in my room. We just moved into a tiny house, and there isnt much room for anyone to be in the first place.

He doesnt feel comfortable at my house because my stepdad has a problem with him. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years. There was never a major problem with him...my family liked him and his family liked me. But in April me and my mom and stepdad had a big argument, because they have a problem with my boyfriend but they wont say what it is. their excuse was "we argue a lot, and I cheat on my bf" Which I DO NOT cheat on my boyfriend. While we were broken up, I saw other guys. thats not called cheating, in my book.

Anyways, so my boyfriend does not feel comfortable at my house, so we dont ever hang out here. Recently, there was a low income apartment complex in his city that was accepting applications. We slept outside, and waited from 1AM to 10AM, to put in our application. Part of it was because his mom was forcing him to (she wants her grown sons out of her house, understandable) But hey, we were going to try to get an apartment a looooong time ago. Im ready for it. Im excited to get my own place, live with my boyfriend, and just be more.....adult?

So after this happens, he starts backing away from me. Turns out that no, my boyfriend isnt ready to live with me. He says I argue about little things, and that Im immature. Well, mind you, he does the same things. Once again: our situation is not the best right now. I dont drive, so he has my car and he takes me where I need to go. That causes a lot of arguments, because he doesnt want the responsibility of taking me everywhere, and getting me to work on time. He has been driving me around since February.

So the way I see it, is.....once some things change, our relationship will only be healthier. Once I get my license, we wont argue about the car...because he wont have the responsibility of taking me anywhere. Sometimes I get upset when we make plans but then he has something to do and we dont end up hanging out....because I love spending time with him. But if we lived together, he'd be coming home to me. So what if we didnt get to do what we had planned ALL the time? I would be more "okay" with him having to change plans, if we lived together. (I dunno if that makes sense, but I hope so)

So now, Im still ready to move out on my own, but since he's not coming with me, I dont really know what to think. I know he's still gonna end up spending time there with me, but I just thought we were ready to do this together. its been 3 years. But in his eyes, he doesn't want to have nowhere to escape to if we argue, or if we start to get on eachothers nerves, or if he just needs alone time. he wants to be able to leave....which, I know that kinda sounds bad...but we ALL need some alone time. I can see where hes coming from. He thinks that living together breaks people up sometimes....its like we are on 2 separate pages.

At this point, I feel like Im getting too close to him. I love him to death and want to continue a relationship.....but if he feels smothered, we are going to end up breaking up again. I want us to have a healthy relationship.

I will admit that I dont have any friends. Which explains a LOT. because if I had more of my own life, I wouldnt be so dependant on him, and seeing him and spending time with him everyday. I basically had 2 best friends: one is moving away next month, plus we arent close anymore, we just kinda stopped hanging out. My other friend, well I hung out with her last week and it was boring, its like.....I feel like Im not fun to hang around. Because Im 20 and all the friends my age, drink. I dont drink....I have fun and I like going out, but I dont drink. Aside from those 2 friends, I feel like I have nobody but my boyfriend. Thats not healthy. I dont know how to make new friends. I do have low self esteem, and I think thats part of the reason I dont go out more or hang out with people. Im trying to love myself more and be more independant, but I just dont know how to do that? I love my coworkers at my job, and to be honest, I like to be around them and I would rather hang out with them and have fun with women who are 30+, then be with people who are my age.

And I feel like even when I get my license, and have my own place.........Im still not going to be completely happy. Im gonna come home from work everyday and......just be at home by myself? What the hell do 20 year olds do? Its like, I want to have a healthy relationship with my boyfriend, I want him to WANT to live with me and be close to me, and I want to have alone time, and I want to be around friends, and have my own place and just not be depressed.......................

I just started birth control and Ive been depressed for a good 2 weeks now. But I just feel like all of this is coming down on me at once. I just dont want to be a bored blob living at home needing her boyfriend. Thats what I feel like

 

[iadoremac]

You know I think you should move out and get your own place without your boyfriend. Living on your own forces you to live with yourself, discover yourself and enjoy your own company. IT helps you love yourself and that in turn boosts your self esteem. I think your BF is being realistic in not moving in with you right now and I am sure he would spend alot of time with you and it would help your relationship when you are at your own place as you guys would be able to communicate with each other freely. I wouldnt worry about it if I were you I think you'll be aiight.

 

[LMD84]

first of all here is a hug! it sucks feeling depressed and generally crappy.

i agree with iadoremac and think you should look into getting a place on your own. that way you'll be able to start looking after yourself, you and your guy will be able to hang in peace without any parents or step parents causing an bad atmosphere and more importnatly you will be able meet new people! you maybe find you get a great neighbour you can hang with. or even meet somebody down your local shops perhaps. it'll definatley be a new start for you.

at the end of the day you can't force your guy to move in with you if he's not ready. and even though he said it''s because your immature he may just be making excuses because he's bthe one who is not ready to start a new chapter of his life yet.

but don't let yourself get down about things. think of all the good new things that are waiting to happen to you!

 

[nichollecaren]

Quote:

Originally Posted by iadoremac You know I think you should move out and get your own place without your boyfriend. Living on your own forces you to live with yourself, discover yourself and enjoy your own company. IT helps you love yourself and that in turn boosts your self esteem. I think your BF is being realistic in not moving in with you right now and I am sure he would spend alot of time with you and it would help your relationship when you are at your own place as you guys would be able to communicate with each other freely. I wouldnt worry about it if I were you I think you'll be aiight.

I agree with this, but I also want to tell you, do not underestimate the way birth control affects your emotions! I was on yaz for a month, and started acting weird. I didnt attribute it to the ocp at first, but I did go see a psychologist because I began to feel suicidal. He diagnosed depression...After quizzing me, there was no history of mental illness or depression in my family, not did I have any prior history of such episodes. He cautioned me to postpone making any big decisions for a while, and told me to quit taking the Yaz. Needless to say, I have begun to 'regain my sanity'.

This is something people rarely realize---please talk to your doctor abt the possibility that your BC is affecting you negatively, and perhaps come off it for a while and use non-chemical contraception. Maybe you will recognize a change in the way you view the situation.

 

[06290714]

Here's a hug for you, lets be happy!

First off let me say that moving in together doesn't break up people IMO, but it depends on each relationship. I can't speak for others, but my boyfriend & I moved in together last July and it's great! Sure we get on each other's nerves because we're literally together 24/7 but we love it.

I, myself don't have too many friends either..a couple that I'm real close to, but don't hang out as much because she has a family and she's 7 years older than I am. I find that I make friends with people whose usually older or way older, IDK why I just don't really like people my age? I'm 21 and will 22 next July but have an old soul. I don't party, don't drink, don't club or any of that. I work all the time and spend my days off with the BF, cleaning, laundry, etc. I wish we lived closer, we could potentially be BFF's

Anyways, besides all that babbling I agree with everybody else. Get a place of your own without him and maybe in time he will come around. Nothing is going to be perfect and will never be, everybody has their own issues and problems, but you need to be able to work thru them together. Good luck mamas, keep us updated!

 

[CantAffordMAC]

Quote:

Originally Posted by iadoremac You know I think you should move out and get your own place without your boyfriend. Living on your own forces you to live with yourself, discover yourself and enjoy your own company. IT helps you love yourself and that in turn boosts your self esteem. I think your BF is being realistic in not moving in with you right now and I am sure he would spend alot of time with you and it would help your relationship when you are at your own place as you guys would be able to communicate with each other freely. I wouldnt worry about it if I were you I think you'll be aiight.

Thank you

Quote:

Originally Posted by LMD84 first of all here is a hug! it sucks feeling depressed and generally crappy. i agree with iadoremac and think you should look into getting a place on your own. that way you'll be able to start looking after yourself, you and your guy will be able to hang in peace without any parents or step parents causing an bad atmosphere and more importnatly you will be able meet new people! you maybe find you get a great neighbour you can hang with. or even meet somebody down your local shops perhaps. it'll definatley be a new start for you. at the end of the day you can't force your guy to move in with you if he's not ready. and even though he said it''s because your immature he may just be making excuses because he's bthe one who is not ready to start a new chapter of his life yet. but don't let yourself get down about things. think of all the good new things that are waiting to happen to you!

Thank you! I also think you are right, and I think he ISNT ready to make that step with me. It frustrates me because we've been together for 3 years, and I feel like....its time for us to do this. But like you said, i cant force him to do anything.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nichollecaren I agree with this, but I also want to tell you, do not underestimate the way birth control affects your emotions! I was on yaz for a month, and started acting weird. I didnt attribute it to the ocp at first, but I did go see a psychologist because I began to feel suicidal. He diagnosed depression...After quizzing me, there was no history of mental illness or depression in my family, not did I have any prior history of such episodes. He cautioned me to postpone making any big decisions for a while, and told me to quit taking the Yaz. Needless to say, I have begun to 'regain my sanity'. This is something people rarely realize---please talk to your doctor abt the possibility that your BC is affecting you negatively, and perhaps come off it for a while and use non-chemical contraception. Maybe you will recognize a change in the way you view the situation.

Well, im on NuvaRing...Ive been on it before, with no problems. But that was like 2 years ago or so? So I just started using it again....I just started the bc 2 weeks ago though, and this situation has been going on before that. But if I dont feel that my mood gets any better within the next few weeks, I may consider going off of it....because its like PMS, only it doesnt go away. Im extremely emotional and just.....down

Quote:

Originally Posted by 06290714 Here's a hug for you, lets be happy! First off let me say that moving in together doesn't break up people IMO, but it depends on each relationship. I can't speak for others, but my boyfriend & I moved in together last July and it's great! Sure we get on each other's nerves because we're literally together 24/7 but we love it. I, myself don't have too many friends either..a couple that I'm real close to, but don't hang out as much because she has a family and she's 7 years older than I am. I find that I make friends with people whose usually older or way older, IDK why I just don't really like people my age? I'm 21 and will 22 next July but have an old soul. I don't party, don't drink, don't club or any of that. I work all the time and spend my days off with the BF, cleaning, laundry, etc. I wish we lived closer, we could potentially be BFF's Anyways, besides all that babbling I agree with everybody else. Get a place of your own without him and maybe in time he will come around. Nothing is going to be perfect and will never be, everybody has their own issues and problems, but you need to be able to work thru them together. Good luck mamas, keep us updated!

I think part of it, is that he knows we'll be together almost 24/7, aside from being at work.....and thats part of the reason for his decision.

He told me last night, he wont ever get a break from me if we live together. I guess that in time, as we argue less and he sees that Im not dependant on him, then maybe he wont feel as though he does need a break. Its hard for me because I love him, and its hard to turn my feelings off.

You sound exactly like me, I would rather have all friends be at least 30 or older, naturally Im just getting along more with them. I learn a lot from my friends that are older, how to cook, how to entertain company, I learn a lot about just being a woman...I guess cuz they are much older than me. I dunno. But I love just doing laundry and being at home. We do sound like we'd get along great

 

[MissResha]

awww honey, i sorry ur going thru this. life can be a bitch sometimes lol. *huge hugs*

 

[MissCrystal]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantAffordMAC Hey guys. This might be long but anyways I just need to get my thoughts out and maybe someone can offer advice Ive been going through a lot lately. Me and my boyfriend got back together in December, and things have still been rough but we have been doing good. We have rough living situations, he's still at home with his mom, she nags and its just, a depressing situation. he'll be 24 in August. Im 20, I still live at home with my mom, and its not really depressing living here but I just want my own place. I usually am allowed to go to his house, and thats fine. He is allowed to be at my house, but he isnt allowed in my room. We just moved into a tiny house, and there isnt much room for anyone to be in the first place. He doesnt feel comfortable at my house because my stepdad has a problem with him. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years. There was never a major problem with him...my family liked him and his family liked me. But in April me and my mom and stepdad had a big argument, because they have a problem with my boyfriend but they wont say what it is. their excuse was "we argue a lot, and I cheat on my bf" Which I DO NOT cheat on my boyfriend. While we were broken up, I saw other guys. thats not called cheating, in my book. Anyways, so my boyfriend does not feel comfortable at my house, so we dont ever hang out here. Recently, there was a low income apartment complex in his city that was accepting applications. We slept outside, and waited from 1AM to 10AM, to put in our application. Part of it was because his mom was forcing him to (she wants her grown sons out of her house, understandable) But hey, we were going to try to get an apartment a looooong time ago. Im ready for it. Im excited to get my own place, live with my boyfriend, and just be more.....adult? So after this happens, he starts backing away from me. Turns out that no, my boyfriend isnt ready to live with me. He says I argue about little things, and that Im immature. Well, mind you, he does the same things. Once again: our situation is not the best right now. I dont drive, so he has my car and he takes me where I need to go. That causes a lot of arguments, because he doesnt want the responsibility of taking me everywhere, and getting me to work on time. He has been driving me around since February. So the way I see it, is.....once some things change, our relationship will only be healthier. Once I get my license, we wont argue about the car...because he wont have the responsibility of taking me anywhere. Sometimes I get upset when we make plans but then he has something to do and we dont end up hanging out....because I love spending time with him. But if we lived together, he'd be coming home to me. So what if we didnt get to do what we had planned ALL the time? I would be more "okay" with him having to change plans, if we lived together. (I dunno if that makes sense, but I hope so) So now, Im still ready to move out on my own, but since he's not coming with me, I dont really know what to think. I know he's still gonna end up spending time there with me, but I just thought we were ready to do this together. its been 3 years. But in his eyes, he doesn't want to have nowhere to escape to if we argue, or if we start to get on eachothers nerves, or if he just needs alone time. he wants to be able to leave....which, I know that kinda sounds bad...but we ALL need some alone time. I can see where hes coming from. He thinks that living together breaks people up sometimes....its like we are on 2 separate pages. At this point, I feel like Im getting too close to him. I love him to death and want to continue a relationship.....but if he feels smothered, we are going to end up breaking up again. I want us to have a healthy relationship. I will admit that I dont have any friends. Which explains a LOT. because if I had more of my own life, I wouldnt be so dependant on him, and seeing him and spending time with him everyday. I basically had 2 best friends: one is moving away next month, plus we arent close anymore, we just kinda stopped hanging out. My other friend, well I hung out with her last week and it was boring, its like.....I feel like Im not fun to hang around. Because Im 20 and all the friends my age, drink. I dont drink....I have fun and I like going out, but I dont drink. Aside from those 2 friends, I feel like I have nobody but my boyfriend. Thats not healthy. I dont know how to make new friends. I do have low self esteem, and I think thats part of the reason I dont go out more or hang out with people. Im trying to love myself more and be more independant, but I just dont know how to do that? I love my coworkers at my job, and to be honest, I like to be around them and I would rather hang out with them and have fun with women who are 30+, then be with people who are my age. And I feel like even when I get my license, and have my own place.........Im still not going to be completely happy. Im gonna come home from work everyday and......just be at home by myself? What the hell do 20 year olds do? Its like, I want to have a healthy relationship with my boyfriend, I want him to WANT to live with me and be close to me, and I want to have alone time, and I want to be around friends, and have my own place and just not be depressed....................... I just started birth control and Ive been depressed for a good 2 weeks now. But I just feel like all of this is coming down on me at once. I just dont want to be a bored blob living at home needing her boyfriend. Thats what I feel like

i think you should move out on your own for a little awhile and just figure stuff out, but i don't understand what was the point in sleeping outside both of you for the apartment and then later he says he doesn't want to live with you ?? wtf i mean im sure you guys argued before the whole apartment thing but then what was the point in getting the apartment then, and you also said he drove you around and stuff in Feb and now its June and now he's saying stuff about it ?. To be totally honest that seems a bit shady to me maybe he's not ready to live on his own with a gf and is just making excuses ie blaming you. You two should def talk about it

And the whole thing on friends there's a lot of ways you can make friends maybe join a club like a dance class, cooking class lol i dunno those are just suggests its a good way to meet a lot of new people and you can go out for awhile so you won't feel so alone or buy a puppy/kitten !!! my kitten always cheers me up whenever i feel down


hope everything works out for you

 

[MiCHiE]

If you can afford to move out on your own, do it. Get your drivers' license and begin to hang out with your coworkers. Since you like them, you can be yourself, gain acceptance, get out of your rut and raise your self-esteem. Let other people show you things that you don't see in yourself. Take a break from your BF and get things settled with yourself, meaning move, unpack, fix your place up and enjoy yourself and yourself only. I don't know your BF but I will say that a man 24 years old staying at home with mama....there's definitely a back story. I can see why his mama is nagging. Currently, he's six years past due on getting out. You're only 20, but if you're considering moving out, you need to be a big girl all around. Find your independence because NeYo is so right. Once that man sees that he's wanted, but not needed, his tune will change. If it doesn't, move on.

 

[TISH1124]

Kudos....for you still going thru with your plans...I am glad you are getting your own place...Hopefully he will re-think things...but if not you need to do whats best for you...never allow a man to dictate your happiness. If he wants nothing more than to keep staying at his Momma's house then he may not be what you really need.....I know you love him...But you still want a man who is responsible and has some get up and go about themselves. I don't know too many grown ass men that wouldn't be jumping at the chance to get out of their momma's house. I say make all decisions based on what is good for you...If he can be a part of the plan great if not....keep your head up and keep it moving. I wish you the best and I hope it all works out for you. Love is a tough thing....Sometimes you can't live with them...and don't want to live without them

 

[SMMY]

another suggestion would be to take a class, if you have a community college or even local classes offered by your community. Something that stretches you a little, but that you have had an interest in. Maybe an art class or even something like a dance class. It will do two things, bolster your self-confidence and get you out among people in a social environment that doesn't involve having to drink. It sounds like you could use a little more independence and relying on your boyfriend only for company, would get old for both of you.

Good luck with finding your path.

 

[frocher]

.........

 

[LaGoddess]

don't feel weird because i'm alot like u and trust me we are not alone. i'm a couple years older then u and i've never drank or partied and whatever else it is that 20 year olds are suppose to do. and hell yes i have felt depressed, lonely, and like i was boring on many, many, many nights, and that's even with a man who is more supportive then what urs sounds like

. get ur own place and make it a beautiful, lil place for u to chill in, u'll love it after u get used to it. u can always meet new friends to hang out with. u don't need 50 typical friends to count on, having 2 or 3 good one's is more then enough. ur bf is not the one for u right now if hes running away from something that should be a freaking big sigh of relief, who the heck passes up a chance 2 move out of their nagging mom's house?

good luck! don't let urself get too depressed over this, try to make the best out of it, let ur bf miss out if thats what he wants to do.

 

[CantAffordMAC]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ♥MiCHiE♥ If you can afford to move out on your own, do it. Get your drivers' license and begin to hang out with your coworkers. Since you like them, you can be yourself, gain acceptance, get out of your rut and raise your self-esteem. Let other people show you things that you don't see in yourself. Take a break from your BF and get things settled with yourself, meaning move, unpack, fix your place up and enjoy yourself and yourself only. I don't know your BF but I will say that a man 24 years old staying at home with mama....there's definitely a back story. I can see why his mama is nagging. Currently, he's six years past due on getting out. You're only 20, but if you're considering moving out, you need to be a big girl all around. Find your independence because NeYo is so right. Once that man sees that he's wanted, but not needed, his tune will change. If it doesn't, move on.

Thanks guys. I know it sounds crazy about him being almost 24 and living at home. Like I said, we were going to move out about a year and a half ago, but then he wasnt ready then either and thats when we actually broke up. I know he doesnt want to live with his mom but his job situation isnt good right now (who's is) and he can't afford to live on his own yet. The story goes deeper and deeper, so Ill leave it at that. Neither one of us make a lot of money, and regular apartments around here are between 700-900 dollars.....we couldnt afford that split between the 2 of us. Thats why we went to the low income apartments, because the rent is likely to be less than 500/month

I think you are all right, and Im going to continue to look for a place for myself to live. I appreciate all the advice you've given

 

[ForgetRegret]

^^ Where in Jersey are you, hun?
I agree with a lot of the previous ideas of moving out, but mostly about considering that your BC could be making you feel worse (damn hormones), and doing something that'll help boost your confidence. Personally, I recommend ballroom lessons. Might sound silly, but I started taking them when I was about 7 months pregnant, and I don't know what I'd do without the "me" time once a week. It's fun, and it really is a good way to get rid of stress...GL!!

 

[CantAffordMAC]

^^ Im in South jersey..near Cherry Hill/Marlton/Mt Laurel

 

[elegant-one]

Aw hun,

It will work out for you. I agree with the good advice above.

"But in his eyes, he doesn't want to have nowhere to escape to if we argue, or if we start to get on eachothers nerves, or if he just needs alone time. he wants to be able to leave."

It seems like he may need some maturity. Its not healthy to want to just escape. Its responsible in a relationship to face situations & difficulties to work them out together - not run.

We Love you!

 

[ForgetRegret]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantAffordMAC ^^ Im in South jersey..near Cherry Hill/Marlton/Mt Laurel

Hey, I drive through there (ok, well on the tpk, anyway) on my way home (I live in Iselin) on the weekends...hehe..