Lying about porn

[xIxSkyDancerxIx]

So.. my boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year, which isn't all that long but we've been friends since high school. I know he used to look at porn before when we were dating and I didn't mind it so much since we weren't really together and we hadn't done anything..

He knows how I feel about porn and he's always told me that he doesn't watch it and has no interest in watching it.. I've told him as well that if he wants to watch it then I'd gladly watch it with him (I never have before) to try it out and all that stuff..

I suppose I'm not mad so much about him watching it.. I'm more upset that he was watching it behind my back and he had been lying to me that he hadn't.. My ex-boyfriend used to watch it and he told me so and I was ok with him (we didn't get to see each other very often).. But I see my boyfriend EVERY DAY and I'm always willing to try out new things to keep the relationship fresh and interesting.. So why does he watch it when I'm always here and when I told him that I didn't want him lying to me about it and I want him to tell me (I told him numerous times that I prefer him to tell me the truth than to lie to me and that I was fine with it as long as he didn't lie about it)??

Am I just overreacting?? I don't know.. I just feel really hurt right now..

 

[Shimmer]

Porn is not a threat to a relationship, rather, it shouldn't be. There is nothing wrong with watching porn, (discluding child/animal/etc.) and the male watching porn doesn't diminish his affection for the female in the relationship.

Granted, there should be no disingenuity. I would approach it that I really prefer the honesty, and that while I don't necessarily share the proclivity for porn, I'd rather him be honest than not.

 

[MisStarrlight]

I agree with Shim...there is nothing wrong with watching porn (as long as it doesn't start to control his life), but the fact that he is lying about it is a bit concerning. Is he ashamed about it, or have you (possibly unconsciously) made it such a taboo topic that he feels like he can't bring it to you?

I don't exactly understand it, but from what I've gathered, men (and women) watching porn really has nothing to do with their relationships. A lot of guys can carry on a healthy relationship w/ a healthy amount of sex and continue to watch porn. It's not necessarily an indication of you or your relationship. Some guys just watch porn alone or with friends, like for entertainment almost. It's a "guy thing" I guess.

 

[Showgirl]

I had exactly the same thing happen to me with the first guy I ever had a serious relationship with - I clicked on the wrong folder on his PC and saw something I wasn't meant to - and at the time I felt shocked, stunned and also really hurt that it was something he had hidden from me.... so I know exactly the horrible mixture of emotions you're feeling right now. I really feel for ya, petal.... I was 22 at the time and it really threw me, made me feel almost like I didn't really know the person that I was in love with...

but..... I am now 34 and quite a few boyfriends and a whole stack of personal "life mileage" down the road, and now my attitude is completely different.

- EVERYONE's got a right to a personal life. And it's called personal cos it's personal, right? I'm sure there's the odd hot little naughty thought, fantasy or suchlike that you have yourself that you don't choose to share with your partner..... but which obviously doesn't change the way you feel about your boyfriend in any way, back in "reality"...... And I personally think that for a lot of people, looking at porn is kinda like that, a guilty little private pleasure that they keep for themselves and would be embarrassed if anyone else found out about.... so the fact he hasn't told you isn't IMHO through wanting actively to "hide" something from you, just that (a) it's kinda his private little thing, and (b) he's probably embarrassed.

- It certainly doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

- It certainly doesn't mean you aren't "enough" or anything like that. Or that you aren't open enough to new things, etc etc etc.... whatever you take out of my comments here, please understand that the reason he looks at this stuff ISN'T ABOUT YOU at ALL!!!! It's just something that he enjoys.... you really shouldn't feel that it's somehow a reflection on you, because it isn't in any way. Honestly.

- I am 99.9999999995 % sure that the reason he kinda fudged/told a few little porky pies when you guys have talked about porn in the past is that he's embarrassed and didn't want to hurt you - especially if you've expressed anti-porn sentiments in the past - and is not motivated by any urge to exclude you from something or hide something big from you....

So I think now you've two choices....

1. Completely forget about the incident, put it behind you and get on with your relationship. But this will only work if you DO honestly feel reassured that there's nothing unusual or deeply wrong going on here, and there's absolutely nothing here which shows that he's less than utterly in love with, and happy with, you.... if you've any doubts at all, no matter how silly, you have to do option 2:-

2. Talk to him about it, in a non-judmental way. Tell him that what you saw has made you feel insecure, and that you're also mad he's not been straight with you, and if he's any kind of decent boyfriend, he'll be happy to reassure you that this is no big deal and he didn't mean to hurt you. Be nice to each other and reassure each other. Get past the embarrassment and the hurt feelings. And THEN put it behind you and move on.


Actually now I think about it, I accidentally found something I didn't much care for on my CURRENT boyfriend's computer not too long ago. I closed the folder and went and made a cup of tea. Hours later in evening, I thought about what I'd seen again: it started niggling away on my subconscious. So I said "babe, can I just ask you about something?" and we had a conversation. It took about 90 seconds for him to reassure me that the fact he'd been looking at THAT wasn't any reflection on ME, and we laughed a little - him through embarrasment at what I'd found, me through embarrasment at being insecure- we had a hug, and forgot about it.... and it was all such a non-deal of a thing I'd honestly completely forgotten about the incident when I started to type this, lol.

I hope you do talk to him and sort it all out. I honestly think it's no big deal - but I'm not trying to belittle the way you're feeling in any way, I completely understand why you're upset *hugs* and this is why I think you should talk to him if you still feel upset and angry....

 

[Beauty Mark]

It sounds like it's bothering you a lot. As always, talking about it calmly and rationally is the key.

Personally, I'd be more upset about the fact he wasn't straight with you. People read/watch all sorts of sexual stuff without it meaning anything, and sometimes, for whatever reason, they don't want to share that with you.

 

[eighmii]

Eh.. I really dont think its a big deal.. the fact that hes hiding it is a bit weird. My boyfriend finds porn on my computer all the time.. lol.

But I agree with MizStarrlight.. maybe you have made it sortof a taboo topic and he was afraid he'd get a reaction like this out of you.. ALOT of people look at/watch/read porn. But maybe you (not purposely) implied to him that it is a big deal so he felt the need to hide it from him.

But for real.. don't stress about it. The only reason my boyfriend watches porn is because he stays up really late and I always go to bed early and he gets horny at night time.. lol. It doesnt bother me..

 

[jenii]

I'm not against porn, but I would be pissed if my man were LYING about it. If you watch porn, fine, just be honest about it.

But, if you're against porn it's gonna be hard to find a guy who WON'T watch it and lie to you about it, know what I mean?

 

[xIxSkyDancerxIx]

Thanks for all the replies!

I'm NOT againist porn at all actually.. I've even told him that I'd watch it with him if he wanted me to..

I'm just more upset that he was lying/hiding the truth from me.. but we talked about it a bit and sorted it all out

 

[little teaser]

perhaps he was hideing it and not honest because of the way you feel about porn..

if your not against porn then what did you mean in your origanal post when you said " he knows how i feel about porn?

 

[xIxSkyDancerxIx]

Quote:

if your not against porn then what did you mean in your origanal post when you said " he knows how i feel about porn?

Hmm.. I guess that came out wrong lol.. I meant that he knows that I don't have a problem with it.. which is why I told him that I would watch it with him to try it out.. I can't really say "I don't like it" if I haven't really seen it right? LoL.. sorry for the confusion!

 

[little teaser]

oh ok.. well. imo i think he should be able to watch porn with out getting a guilt trip, after all its just sexual entertaintment, hes not touching or sleeping with them if anything hes playing with himself.
it would kinda be like your boyfriend telling you not to watch r rated movies because a naked guy might be in the movie or you cant masturbate with out him being present.. guys have been doing this for so long its a hard habit to break.. it has nothing to do with the way he feels or doesnt feel about you.

 

[BloodMittens]

I agree there is nothing wrong with watching porn at all. But my boyfriend lied to me too, and straight to my face with no smile. I learned from his brother that he was keeping a porn stash under his mattress. Well, I have no reason to talk, I watch hentai and porn, but I don't get my jitters from it or anything. But he did. And he lied to me for 6 months straight when I asked him about it. And then we had a bad breakup for a bit and I told him I knew and that I had more of a reason to be mad at him as he did towards me. It never really bothered me that he had a porn collection, but it did bother me when he lied to my face for a long ass time.

So I basically asked him, how would you feel if I had a playgirl under my mattress? Or a "Big Rooster" magazine for big penises or something like that.

So then he realized and felt bad and told me he was embaressed by having the collection now that he realized how I felt and eventually surprised me by throwing them in the trash one day out of the blue. Made me feel much better

I would say try that. Show them that you really don't care about him having one, but ask him how he would feel if you had one? Everything should be fair in a relationship.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BloodMittens So I basically asked him, how would you feel if I had a playgirl under my mattress? Or a "Big Rooster" magazine for big penises or something like that.

LMAO... BIG ROOSTER! Cock-A-Doodle-Doo LOL...

Now that I got that out of my system... LOL...

Guys are full of double standards. Like seriously. My boyfriend got mad at me once because I told him I had a vibrator. And he was like, "what do you need one of those for? If ever you need that, you have me. Did you use it?" And seriously he wouldn't drop it until I answered the question. And yet, he's told me that he's had to "take care of himself" several times because I wasn't around.

Men just do that, I dunno. They think a lot of things are fine for them to do, but at the same time, were not allowed to do them, or get upset at them for what they do.

 

[Tyester]

When a girl asks if she wants to watch porn with me...

That's an automatic 10+ points. There's nothing wrong with it(as mentioned above) and adding to a relationship in a positive manner is a plus!

We don't have sexual and physical feelings for nothing. However lying about it, even after it's been an open forum for discussion, is a little distrustful. He may, however, be quite bashful or shy about it hence the lying. So try to keep an open mind about it, and reaproach him.

 

[SparklingWaves]

I guess that I am very insecure. I don't want my man looking at porn.

Soooooooooooo, I play even and fair. If he wants porn, I get my type of porn with ONLY smoking hot guys. If I watch his type, he will have to watch mine with just the smoking hot guys in it.


Needless to say, the porn issue has never come up. hmmm

 

[BloodMittens]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SparklingWaves I guess that I am very insecure. I don't want my man looking at porn. Soooooooooooo, I play even and fair. If he wants porn, I get my type of porn with ONLY smoking hot guys. If I watch his type, he will have to watch mine with just the smoking hot guys in it. Needless to say, the porn issue has never come up. hmmm

OOOH! That's a GOOD one! Lol!

 

[xIxSkyDancerxIx]

Thanks for all the replies!!

Quote:

When a girl asks if she wants to watch porn with me... That's an automatic 10+ points. There's nothing wrong with it(as mentioned above) and adding to a relationship in a positive manner is a plus! We don't have sexual and physical feelings for nothing. However lying about it, even after it's been an open forum for discussion, is a little distrustful. He may, however, be quite bashful or shy about it hence the lying. So try to keep an open mind about it, and reaproach him.

He actually got kind of offended when I asked if maybe would could watch it together.. which was the opposite of what I was trying to do.. so much for that huh? I don't care if he watches it, I was just really really upset that he lied to me about it for so long..

 

[dollbabybex]

when im in a relationship

when i watch porn i wanna mostly watch it alone!

have that porn time to myself!

as long as when he is seeing you hes still being sexually interested
and not watching porn instead of being with you

i dont see the problem!

 

[CantAffordMAC]

i'd feel hurt if i was you just for the simple fact that he lied. u don't mind him watching them so thats not a problem, but lying is.

one time my boyfriend put a porno on and told me he wanted me to see something in it...i didnt really wanna watch--i just didnt feel like it, so i was laying down but he was right next to me and he kept watching it. it made me feel a little...i dunno upset because the whole time in our relationship the porn thing never really came up--obviously we've both seen them but it never occurred to me that he still might watch one from time to time (theres only 1 in his house neways)

i dunno...i'd watch one with him if i felt comfortable doing so at the time. but if he was more into watching it then doing stuff to me, i'd be hurt (obviously)

 

[dirtyMartini]

I think the "there's nothing wrong with porn" aspect has been covered pretty well by other posters, but I just wanna add my 2 cents about the lying part. I understand some people are pissed about the lies.. I used to get very upset about little white lies that my bf would pull.. What I learned is that

(1) most of the time he doesn't mean to lie in a malicious way, he's just scared of me disapproving or giving him a hard time, and is too lazy to argue over it, and

(2) it takes some time to get him comfortable enough to talk to you about something he would usually lie about... If you want him to talk to you about everything without him dreading a bad reaction from your part, you gotta get him used to trust that you'll put considerable effort into understanding where he's coming from before you get upset.. It takes practice too, I have caught my bf in many little white lies, and have been upset when I found out that he was lying, more about the lying part than whatever it was that he did.. Well one day I told him look, when you say something, I shouldn't have a single DOUBT in my mind that you're telling the TRUTH, no matter how small the issue is. Because what's gonna happen one day, when we're facing something big, is that I MIGHT just doubt you and trust somebody else over you. And we all know where that drama usually gets us.