moving back home...sigh...

L1LMAMAJ

Well-known member
This is basically a rant. I don't know if I have a choice here but hear me out...

Long story short, basically my mom is forcing me to move back home (SF) after graduation (in June) but...I really don't want to. I love my life here in So Cal. I love all my friends here. I feel like this is my new home. The main thing is that my boyfriend lives here. Basically she doesn't trust me and always thinks I'm up to no good. She has no proof whatsoever but she just assumes that since I'm not at home, I'm just goofing around or something. I don't know what to do since I am still financially dependent and can't actually move out on my own. I know if I move back home, it'll be high school all over again where she'll call me 100x a day and never knock on my door before entering. My freedom is over. Oh how sweet the taste of freedom is...
ssad.gif
 

kaliraksha

Well-known member
Get a job to make ends meet between now and graduation and see if you would be able to scale down your lifestyle and afford to stay in So Cal. Try to live as you would have to if you didn't have your parent's support and see if that's worth it to you. Also put away whatever money you have from a part time job so you can handle the initial blow of being on your own- things like moving, deposits for bills, deposits on apartment, etc really add up. If you really want to stay, you'll find a way... even if that means it feels like taking a step back such as getting a room mate or not going out as much.

I know the job market is hard right now, so start early!

Personally, I hate when parents control you with money... I think it sends such a horrible message. If I were in your shoes, I would tell them you're really happy where you are and it sucks that their support comes with conditions. I've been there. My parents support once came with the condition that I live at home and go to school near them. I ended up moving anyway and in with my boyfriend for the sake of saving money, which might have been to soon, but thankfully worked out splendidly.

Good luck and keep us updated =)
 

L1LMAMAJ

Well-known member
Quote:
Originally Posted by kaliraksha
Get a job to make ends meet between now and graduation and see if you would be able to scale down your lifestyle and afford to stay in So Cal. Try to live as you would have to if you didn't have your parent's support and see if that's worth it to you. Also put away whatever money you have from a part time job so you can handle the initial blow of being on your own- things like moving, deposits for bills, deposits on apartment, etc really add up. If you really want to stay, you'll find a way... even if that means it feels like taking a step back such as getting a room mate or not going out as much.

I know the job market is hard right now, so start early!

Personally, I hate when parents control you with money... I think it sends such a horrible message. If I were in your shoes, I would tell them you're really happy where you are and it sucks that their support comes with conditions. I've been there. My parents support once came with the condition that I live at home and go to school near them. I ended up moving anyway and in with my boyfriend for the sake of saving money, which might have been to soon, but thankfully worked out splendidly.

Good luck and keep us updated =)


Thanks for the advice. Sigh...

My boyfriend is gonna ask his parents if I could stay at their house. They have an extra room. I just know it's gonna be awkward and I'll forever feel in debt of them. I don't know what to do. I feel like my mom will be so disappointed in me if I don't move back home. She'll think I'm choosing my boyfriend over her which isn't exactly what I'm doing. I just want my freedom. I just wanna be independent.
 

kaliraksha

Well-known member
Quote:
Originally Posted by L1LMAMAJ
I feel like my mom will be so disappointed in me if I don't move back home. She'll think I'm choosing my boyfriend over her which isn't exactly what I'm doing. I just want my freedom. I just wanna be independent.

These words are like out of my mouth. It was a tearful ugly situation when I told my mom I was just happier not living at home and I thought it was better for our relationship. It's one of the only times I've ever really stood up for myself because the truth is I knew at the time I would be miserable living at home.. it would stunt my growth. I don't regret doing it... I regret the look on my mom's face that day... and that she cried... but I think she knows now (4 years later) that I made the right choice and things are probably better between us now than if I had stayed at home.
 

L1LMAMAJ

Well-known member
Quote:
Originally Posted by kaliraksha
These words are like out of my mouth. It was a tearful ugly situation when I told my mom I was just happier not living at home and I thought it was better for our relationship. It's one of the only times I've ever really stood up for myself because the truth is I knew at the time I would be miserable living at home.. it would stunt my growth. I don't regret doing it... I regret the look on my mom's face that day... and that she cried... but I think she knows now (4 years later) that I made the right choice and things are probably better between us now than if I had stayed at home.

I will give this situation more thought. Thanks for the advice. I really needed to hear that.
smiles.gif
 

blazeno.8

Well-known member
Yeah, moving back home sucks. I can't wait to get out.
My mom started calling me all the time so I stopped answering my phone and the house phone. No matter how much she complained, she couldn't make me answer it. It got much much worse than that, but the main thing that has given me some leverage is the fact that I pay rent.
 

Lizzie

Well-known member
I feel your pain! I have to move back in with my parents (in SF too, no less) after I graduate.

The way I look at it (so I don't feel so sad about it) is that at least I'll be in SF (pro store, anyone? haha), I can work and save money to move out later, and I can pay back my student loans faster.

I have the same fears as you (that it'll be like high school all over again), but I guess we'll just have to draw the line and stay firm.

Good luck with everything! And know you're not suffering alone
greengrin.gif
 

Khalia25

Well-known member
I'm sorry about your situation. It's so hard when you're financially dependent on your parents. I was in the same situation for a looong time. I took a TRILLION years to finish college, and my parents supported me the entire time. They live in Japan, and I'm here in Texas, but they still had tight reigns from allllll the way over there. I initially was going to school in Georgia, but I got into a little trouble, and they pretty much forced me to move to Texas...I was kickin and screaming the whole way. My parents paid my Aunt and Uncle (who live in Houston) to get me out of Georgia and bring me here to Texas. Maaan..I was chillin one day, and I get a message on my voicemail: "This is your aunt...we're half way to Georgia...we're coming to get you"
shockt.gif
I had no clue. My parents pulled a sneak attack on me. LOL. So man, I had to break my lease and just pack up everything in 2 days and leave. WOW. And my parents' control continued at 50% after I finished school and started working. Now their control is down to about 5%...but that's only because I'm married. LOL I know it should be at 0%, but I just feel indebted to them after ALLLL those years they carried me. So I understand your dilemma...you're torn. You want to respect your mother, but at the same time, you want her to respect yoru freedom and independence. And I don't know if your mother is the typical Asian mother, but if she is...I sooooo feel you!! They don't make it easy AT ALLLL. My mother married a black man...so you'd think she knows how to think outside the box, but nope...she is still very traditional.

Okay...sorry...I digressed a lot from the original subject. Can you move back in with your mother temporarily...maybe for about 6 months while you get on your feet?? I remember your other post about your boyfriend's mother...she seems like she's a little controlling, also...so is it possible for you to get a place with your boyfriend? Or is there a midpoint between SF and So Cal you can live?
 

TISH1124

Well-known member
Quote:
Originally Posted by kaliraksha
Get a job to make ends meet between now and graduation and see if you would be able to scale down your lifestyle and afford to stay in So Cal.

What I was gonna suggest exactly....If your bf's parents let you stay still get a job so that you can contribute to your living expenses that way you do not feel so guilty by living there...you will be pulling your own load. My parents allowed my SIl to live with them while my brother and her were still in college....Maybe because my son is 7 and he is still my baby...I don't think I would be that liberal and allow it...But who knows once he gets chest hair I may change my stance lol. I always think two dating grown-ups need to be in their own place
 

BEA2LS

Well-known member
i had to move back home before, it sucked.. but when i started working full time my parents got a lot less controlling and i was able to get my own place.
 

pink_lily82

Well-known member
I feel your pain sweetie! My mom is desperate for me to move back home too. I'm in the midst of trying to find a job in the midwest (since it's where my bf lives) and it's mega difficult right now, even though I'm in the health care field. My mom wants me to move home and find a job there and I hate that idea. We haven't had the greatest relationship growing up b/c she is very controlling and critical of every aspect of my life. I'm 26 and have gone through 8 years of college/professional school and still get treated like I'm a little child. She feels like she has to control everything and everyone around her and unfortunately, she will never change.

Getting a job will hopefully show your mom that you are serious about being independent and responsible. It's hard because you don't want to disappoint your mother but you want to be able to make your own decisions about your life. Good luck with everything!
 

L1LMAMAJ

Well-known member
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzie
I feel your pain! I have to move back in with my parents (in SF too, no less) after I graduate.

The way I look at it (so I don't feel so sad about it) is that at least I'll be in SF (pro store, anyone? haha), I can work and save money to move out later, and I can pay back my student loans faster.

I have the same fears as you (that it'll be like high school all over again), but I guess we'll just have to draw the line and stay firm.

Good luck with everything! And know you're not suffering alone
greengrin.gif


It's a relief to hear that others are going through similar problems..not that I'm happy you have this problem but u know what i mean!! i feel SO damn guilty when I disobey my mother. I know I'm an adult now and I can technically do whatever I want but there is still a level of respect I feel I need to have toward my mother...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Khalia25
I'm sorry about your situation. It's so hard when you're financially dependent on your parents. I was in the same situation for a looong time. I took a TRILLION years to finish college, and my parents supported me the entire time. They live in Japan, and I'm here in Texas, but they still had tight reigns from allllll the way over there. I initially was going to school in Georgia, but I got into a little trouble, and they pretty much forced me to move to Texas...I was kickin and screaming the whole way. My parents paid my Aunt and Uncle (who live in Houston) to get me out of Georgia and bring me here to Texas. Maaan..I was chillin one day, and I get a message on my voicemail: "This is your aunt...we're half way to Georgia...we're coming to get you"
shockt.gif
I had no clue. My parents pulled a sneak attack on me. LOL. So man, I had to break my lease and just pack up everything in 2 days and leave. WOW. And my parents' control continued at 50% after I finished school and started working. Now their control is down to about 5%...but that's only because I'm married. LOL I know it should be at 0%, but I just feel indebted to them after ALLLL those years they carried me. So I understand your dilemma...you're torn. You want to respect your mother, but at the same time, you want her to respect yoru freedom and independence. And I don't know if your mother is the typical Asian mother, but if she is...I sooooo feel you!! They don't make it easy AT ALLLL. My mother married a black man...so you'd think she knows how to think outside the box, but nope...she is still very traditional.

Okay...sorry...I digressed a lot from the original subject. Can you move back in with your mother temporarily...maybe for about 6 months while you get on your feet?? I remember your other post about your boyfriend's mother...she seems like she's a little controlling, also...so is it possible for you to get a place with your boyfriend? Or is there a midpoint between SF and So Cal you can live?


Thanks for taking ur time to respond to this...Unfortunately, I will only live in SF or So Cal because Central Cal is really really boring and I'd actually rather be in SF instead. Haha (no offense to anybody from Cen Cal)...I think I'm gonna take your advice and move back home temporarily (6 months - 1 year) and just save up as much money as possible. And yes, my mother is the epitome of a traditional Asian mom. Unfortunately, she's very stubborn and not open to discussion...Sigh.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TISH1127
What I was gonna suggest exactly....If your bf's parents let you stay still get a job so that you can contribute to your living expenses that way you do not feel so guilty by living there...you will be pulling your own load. My parents allowed my SIl to live with them while my brother and her were still in college....Maybe because my son is 7 and he is still my baby...I don't think I would be that liberal and allow it...But who knows once he gets chest hair I may change my stance lol. I always think two dating grown-ups need to be in their own place

I totally agree!! That's why I think I'd feel super awkward EVERYDAY if I were to live at my bf's parents' place. Sucks to not be able to be on my own.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BEA2LS
i had to move back home before, it sucked.. but when i started working full time my parents got a lot less controlling and i was able to get my own place.

Yea hopefully my mother will get off my case once I get a job.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pink_lily82
I feel your pain sweetie! My mom is desperate for me to move back home too. I'm in the midst of trying to find a job in the midwest (since it's where my bf lives) and it's mega difficult right now, even though I'm in the health care field. My mom wants me to move home and find a job there and I hate that idea. We haven't had the greatest relationship growing up b/c she is very controlling and critical of every aspect of my life. I'm 26 and have gone through 8 years of college/professional school and still get treated like I'm a little child. She feels like she has to control everything and everyone around her and unfortunately, she will never change.

Getting a job will hopefully show your mom that you are serious about being independent and responsible. It's hard because you don't want to disappoint your mother but you want to be able to make your own decisions about your life. Good luck with everything!


Thank you for the adivce. I'm gonna do what you advised. Hopefully I can get a damn job. It's not looking good in this stupid economy.
ssad.gif
Another thing is I really don't like my major. It's Business Economics. I feel like everything is theoretical and not practical. Ugh...I wish I could just be a professional makeup artist already!
 

SerenityRaine

Well-known member
Sorry to hear that you're going through this. I'm stuck in that situation right now. Ugh, I should've stayed where I was in FL but I thought I was homesick. Haha, that feeling faded fast. I've been back nearly 3 years & it hasn't been easy. The first year was the worst I was depressed and on top of that my parents were pulling shit that that they didn't do to me in HS it was beyond ridiculous. We still have our ups and downs but not as much as in the beginning. Thank god, Idk if I could go through that again. Anyways, keep your head up -- Try to look on the upside of things. Everything does happen for a reason. Even though I don't love it here & I'm dying to move back to FL, I don't completely regret moving back here. If I hadn't moved back I probably wouldn't have gotten to know my cousin as well as I know her now. Plus, my niece probably wouldn't know who I was.. I survived hell! Just stay strong. I wish you the best whichever way it ends up =)

Kinda nice that my older brother & his wife & my niece have moved in over the summer so now they can't just focus all their attention on moi!
 
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