This is really tough for me

[Cydonian]

This could turn out to be a bit more of a rant then a "help me get some solutions" post, and I'm definitely typing this on the fly.

I'm getting in married in about 2 months, we're waiting on his visa at the moment, and I know that is causing some additional stress on me. I am completely and 100% sure that he is the one but what I'm unsure about is myself. I've always had confidence issues -- what girl doesn't, right?

It's hard to explain this because I think it's become a subconscious thought process for me that manifests itself into random fits of depression. My fiance is amazing, sweet, romantic... he's all of the things that many girls dream of when they realize they want to settle down. The "downfall" and what is causing my problems, is that he's slept with a lot of people. I knew about it before we ever slept together as we were friends for quite a few years before dating, and I knew that he got himself into a heavy drug and alcohol environment, partying all the time, picking up random girls, etc... but it was years ago and he has changed even from when we first began talking (it was after that crazy period).

Him and I sat down and talked literally for hours about it and I felt like I had gotten past it personally (I've only been with a handful of guys, all of which except 1 were virgins, so it was a bit difficult for me) but it seems like it affects me at random times. He'll say something that can remotely feel like I'm not as good as a past lover, and I will feel that weight coming down on me and I want to just start crying. I know that he doesn't compare me and he's told me quite bluntly that I'm better than anyone else, and while I believe him, I get those random tinges of jealousy and hurt for whatever the reason. It's so frustrating!

I had been dealing with it well until recently when he visited. It had never interfered with our relationship while we were seeing each other in person and this past time, it not only interrupted some quiet time together, but it actually decided to affect me when we were together (I'm trying not to be too descriptive, yeah...). Right in the middle of it I felt that pang of jealousy and suddenly got really uncomfortable and had to ask him to stop. He's always supportive and will just hold me until it goes away but he also knows not to ask me what is wrong. I don't want to admit it to him because I don't want him to think he's not good enough to help me get over this.

Do you ladies have any suggestions at all for me? I have even debated going to counseling (by myself, though I would maybe want him there for a few sessions). I can't stand feeling like that, and then the guilt that floods in afterward because instead of enjoying the moments with him in whatever we're doing, I'm too busy letting myself be bothered with the past.

Thanks for letting me rant, and thanks for any solutions, I really mean it.

 

[cno64]

Let me say up front that I have absolutely no experience in these kinds of matters, so I'm not going to lie and say that I understand what you're going through.
However, since you seem to be asking for input from anyone and everyone, here goes.
First, I think you're wise to recognize and want to address these "issues" now, instead of just telling yourself, "Everything will be okay once we're married."
That said, I think your idea of seeking counseling is a good one. This sounds like it goes beyond the common "cold feet" feeling before the wedding.
I'm sure there's such a thing as "couples' counseling" that the two of you could have together, before you're married.
For example, many churches offer pre-marital counseling, and I'm sure you could find a secular source for that sort of service, too.
I wish you and your fiance the very best; keep us posted!

 

[QueenBam]

Quote:

Originally Posted by cno64 Let me say up front that I have absolutely no experience in these kinds of matters, so I'm not going to lie and say that I understand what you're going through. However, since you seem to be asking for input from anyone and everyone, here goes. First, I think you're wise to recognize and want to address these "issues" now, instead of just telling yourself, "Everything will be okay once we're married." That said, I think your idea of seeking counseling is a good one. This sounds like it goes beyond the common "cold feet" feeling before the wedding. I'm sure there's such a thing as "couples' counseling" that the two of you could have together, before you're married. For example, many churches offer pre-marital counseling, and I'm sure you could find a secular source for that sort of service, too. I wish you and your fiance the very best; keep us posted!

Excellent advice. I vote for that... just be careful with his feelings too

 

[cno64]

Quote:

Originally Posted by QueenBam just be careful with his feelings too

Sure. It sounds like he truly cares about you and your feelings. The fact that he's willing to talk about this issue with you for hours says a lot. I mean, even I know that talking about feelings is not the typical guy's idea of a hot time.

It must be difficult, when there's so much emotion involved, but try to keep in mind the fact that you are the one he's with now, and the one with whom he wants to spend the rest of his life.
If he preferred one of those other girls, he'd be with her, but he chose to be with you instead.
Again, keep us posted!

 

[LMD84]

sweetie i get how you feel completely.

i used to be very self concious and me and my now hubby had a break for about 6 months.... and even now i sometimes shudder when i think about things that he did while we were on that break.

however you need to remember that 1 - he's been honest about everything which means he is a good guy. some blokes would lie or not give all the details wheras your guy has. and although you get paranoid by this info, think how much worse it would be if you found out snippets some other way.

2- you're getting married! this should be a happy time for you both, not a time for depression. i really do think you should talk to him about it. he's been honest with you, so you should with him. he'll be upset at first, perhaps even frustrated. but if you're going to spend the rest of your lives together then you need things out in the open. esp if it is interfering with you sex life like that.

i really hope you guys can talk about this sooner rather than later. realistically you have nothing to worry about, but if you share how you feel he may be able to comfort you and make you feel more positive about things. keep it bottled up and you will feel worse and worse and may even resent him in the end. nobody wants to start a marriage like that. good luck.

 

[cno64]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LMD84 he's been honest about everything which means he is a good guy. some blokes would lie or not give all the details wheras your guy has. and although you get paranoid by this info, think how much worse it would be if you found out snippets some other way. i really do think you should talk to him about it. he's been honest with you, so you should with him. he'll be upset at first, perhaps even frustrated. but if you're going to spend the rest of your lives together then you need things out in the open. i really hope you guys can talk about this sooner rather than later. realistically you have nothing to worry about, but if you share how you feel he may be able to comfort you and make you feel more positive about things. keep it bottled up and you will feel worse and worse and may even resent him in the end. nobody wants to start a marriage like that. good luck.

I agree that it's healthy to communicate, even if it's about unpleasant matters.
But it sounds like the couple has already done considerable talking about this matter.
I still think pre-marital counseling would be appropriate.
I think it's an excellent sign, that both of you are obviously committed enough to your relationship to want to put the necessary work into it to keep it healthy.
I expect that you have a great future together!

You have us pulling for you!

 

[User38]

I read your post with some trepidation. Although you know you are getting married you are still fearful -- bearing in mind that fear comes from the gut and that is what you should listen to. I don't mean to spoil the party but when you feel something deep deep down, the questions which come out of that feeling are the ones you should be addressing.

I know you will hear that there are many couples consellors etc.. but can they address what is bothering you more intimately than you? Do you fully and totally TRUST your future hubby? And I don't mean, yes you got over what happened in his past -- you must know inside you that you can trust him for the future. We all have a past -- either dark and deep or semi good but nobody is or has been an angel.

How old is he? where is he from that you need his "papers" to be finalized ? Do these papers have any influence on his seeking marriage and having found a new life and will not to continue with his old life? Do you feel comfortable with this situation?

I say this because I was widowed from a great man -- and I was a young widow. When I met men from the US (I am a Latina) they were immediately wary of me thinking that I wanted to live in the US and get my "green" card.. obviously these men were not what I needed or wanted because I did not need any documentation as I have dual citizenship, but they did not know this when they met me. I guess they too were relying on their gut feelings and their fears... which in this case were wrong. But I must admit now they had valid points.

I don't know how to contribute but I hope that the best thing I can tell you is to remember to love but to remain secure. To listen to your most inner person and to remember to respect that person because you will live with her for a long long time.

I wish you inner peace and the very best luck with your new life adventure.

 

[cno64]

Quote:

Originally Posted by HerGreyness We all have a past -- either dark and deep or semi good but nobody is or has been an angel.

Quite true!
Your fiance cannot erase his past, no matter how much he may wish he could; all he can do is demonstrate his changed heart through his actions.
I agree that you should take a good hard look at your feelings, and why you're having them.
I still think counseling is a good idea, because a competent professional can help you sort through your feelings, and help you recognize whether this is a common case of the pre-wedding "jitters," or your own good sense telling you that you might be about to make a dangerous decision.
I truly wish you the very best!

 

[kaliraksha]

I have feelings of insecurity as well, I think we all do from time to time. What I find works best for me is to build my confidence outside of the relationship. It's good when what makes you feel like you, and happy, and good aren't coming just from your relationship. To know that you would be a catch to any other guy and this guy... he has been with other women, but after all of that he chose to marry you!

Also, in the sex department... I think that sex with someone you care about and you know each other's bodies can be so much better and hotter than with some random person. You should use this to your advantage, you know what he likes, what he fantasizes about, etc.

Definitely keep your lines of communication open with your fiance and let him know that you're working on it and hopefully he will offer you support and understanding.

 

[Cydonian]

Quote:

Originally Posted by HerGreyness I read your post with some trepidation. Although you know you are getting married you are still fearful -- bearing in mind that fear comes from the gut and that is what you should listen to. I don't mean to spoil the party but when you feel something deep deep down, the questions which come out of that feeling are the ones you should be addressing. I know you will hear that there are many couples consellors etc.. but can they address what is bothering you more intimately than you? Do you fully and totally TRUST your future hubby? And I don't mean, yes you got over what happened in his past -- you must know inside you that you can trust him for the future. We all have a past -- either dark and deep or semi good but nobody is or has been an angel. How old is he? where is he from that you need his "papers" to be finalized ? Do these papers have any influence on his seeking marriage and having found a new life and will not to continue with his old life? Do you feel comfortable with this situation? I say this because I was widowed from a great man -- and I was a young widow. When I met men from the US (I am a Latina) they were immediately wary of me thinking that I wanted to live in the US and get my "green" card.. obviously these men were not what I needed or wanted because I did not need any documentation as I have dual citizenship, but they did not know this when they met me. I guess they too were relying on their gut feelings and their fears... which in this case were wrong. But I must admit now they had valid points. I don't know how to contribute but I hope that the best thing I can tell you is to remember to love but to remain secure. To listen to your most inner person and to remember to respect that person because you will live with her for a long long time. I wish you inner peace and the very best luck with your new life adventure.

Him and I had a long, long chat earlier and I admitted that things were still bothering me.
I will add to what you said that I have never even had a fleeting thought about him cheating, which says a lot for someone as insecure as I am, and the fact that he's 3,500 miles away from me.

I know what you're trying to say, but when I told him earlier that what he said months ago (I didn't reference it in the original post, but awhile back he told me that x experience while he was high and drunk was better on a pure physical level than the experiences he had with me up to that point) really hurt me and it's part of why I can't get past it, he started tearing up and told me that he's sorry he hurt me but doesn't know how to fix it. I don't think a guy that is dishonest and using me to get over here would get that emotional over a single statement.

I think him and I have worked through the issues through talking -- and the rest is up to me now. I can accept that on a purely physical level about 3 months after we started dating, he had 1 single experience that was better. It does bother me a little but he says that even basing everything after that point on nothing but instinctive physical need, I'm far above anyone he's ever been with. I have to admit that that makes me feel a lot more secure. He stated that at the time, he had a hard time getting past his own insecurities and couldn't relax and enjoy what we were doing, even though his emotions were so strong. His words were "Don't you understand that it's not a good thing that I had to be high and drunk to get anywhere close to what I get from you now?". He was focusing on now and I couldn't get past, well, the past.

He also said he knew the last time he visited, that something was wrong with me at times. He can sense it. I jokingly said I wanted a re-do on this last visit, lol... which made us laugh, and lightened up the conversation.
I also learned through talking with him about the whole purely physical side of things and how even taking out the emotion we have for each other, he can honestly say that the experiences with me are leagues above his past. Like, not even close. Him saying that nearly made me cry because I honestly thought that emotion was the only thing making our sex life better than his past.

He also made the point that it makes sense that this is what was bothering me while we were being intimate. He noted that I seemed to get odd when things got heavy or very physical, which if I'm subconsciously worried that things aren't as good on that level, and the emotion is suspended for a few minutes while physical desires sort of run free, then I'm not able to enjoy it as I'm so worried. The more I think about it, that seems to be true.

Sometimes I really hate being a girl. Especially me -- I overthink every little thing. I think I will look into a little counseling for myself, or even a good long chat with a girl friend over coffee, and seeing if I can work through this myself with a little help from him.

Thanks for your caring responses -- if anyone has anything else to add, I'd still like to see it!

 

[Meisje]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cydonian I will add to what you said that I have never even had a fleeting thought about him cheating, which says a lot for someone as insecure as I am, and the fact that he's 3,500 miles away from me.

I think you have gotten to the root of the problem here, and you admit it, which means that it's already on it's way to working itself out. And you say that you never think of him cheating, and if you do suffer from insecurity and you're not worried about that --- I really think things will work out for you guys. He seems patient and willing to work on this with you.

Insecurity is at the root of everything you mentioned. But unlike a lot of us, you already know that, are not in denial, and are working toward stamping it out. Seriously, that is half the battle. If you recognize that it's perception, and therefore a response to him having had other sexual partners instead of the actual fact of him having had other partners, you know where the feelings are coming from and can better deal with them. Eventually you won't give a shit about the past, and it will be a non-factor.

Speaking as someone who has been in a relationship with the same person for 7 years and married for 5 --- there were a lot of issues at the beginning, and a lot of them centered around my insecurity. I always felt a little "less" that other females I felt were in competition for his affection. I felt like someone else would be a better choice for him, because I did not love myself at all. I didn't even really like myself. But being around him made me want to be the best person I could possibly be. I just did a complete overhaul, got to know myself better, and consciously dealt with my issues and fixed stuff about my reactions to outside stimulus. I am now self-assured, self-confident, and accepting of myself. Surprisingly, as a side effect, my jealously and insecurity have dissolved. There was a huge sense of relief. Because I know that I'm great, and if he doesn't want me for some reason --- I love him completely, and I'd be sad, but I'd be able to pick up and go on. My self-worth depends on what *I* think of me, instead of seeking it in others, but that new, much stronger self intensified his feelings for me. It's a really chill place to be, relationship-wise.

 

[abbyquack]

To add to all the great advice: you mentioned that he'll say something occasionally that make you feel that you are not as good a lover as those in the past. Notice though, that you make yourself feel that, he doesn't. Even if he were to say point blank "you are not as good in bed as ______ was", you still have a choice to believe that or not. You have a choice to accept that limiting belief about yourself. Also, if he was so concerned w/ how you are in bed, would he really be marrying you? Because maybe it's true, maybe some girls were better than you in bed. But he didn't marry them. So it sounds like a pretty decent guy to be able to look past that stuff and love you for you. I just don't want you to be so hard on yourself, because you really deserve better. Good luck and congrats on the engagement!

 

[Cydonian]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Meisje I think you have gotten to the root of the problem here, and you admit it, which means that it's already on it's way to working itself out. And you say that you never think of him cheating, and if you do suffer from insecurity and you're not worried about that --- I really think things will work out for you guys. He seems patient and willing to work on this with you. Insecurity is at the root of everything you mentioned. But unlike a lot of us, you already know that, are not in denial, and are working toward stamping it out. Seriously, that is half the battle. If you recognize that it's perception, and therefore a response to him having had other sexual partners instead of the actual fact of him having had other partners, you know where the feelings are coming from and can better deal with them. Eventually you won't give a shit about the past, and it will be a non-factor. Speaking as someone who has been in a relationship with the same person for 7 years and married for 5 --- there were a lot of issues at the beginning, and a lot of them centered around my insecurity. I always felt a little "less" that other females I felt were in competition for his affection. I felt like someone else would be a better choice for him, because I did not love myself at all. I didn't even really like myself. But being around him made me want to be the best person I could possibly be. I just did a complete overhaul, got to know myself better, and consciously dealt with my issues and fixed stuff about my reactions to outside stimulus. I am now self-assured, self-confident, and accepting of myself. Surprisingly, as a side effect, my jealously and insecurity have dissolved. There was a huge sense of relief. Because I know that I'm great, and if he doesn't want me for some reason --- I love him completely, and I'd be sad, but I'd be able to pick up and go on. My self-worth depends on what *I* think of me, instead of seeking it in others, but that new, much stronger self intensified his feelings for me. It's a really chill place to be, relationship-wise.

Your words have really inspired me! I have been working over the last year to build my self-confidence. I think a lot of it came from the guy I was with prior to my fiance, it was very dull and unaffectionate relationship. I gained a ton of weight, stopped caring about my appearance, etc. I finally got myself to leave him and that's when I got into makeup and doing my nails again, dressing nice, and I ended up losing about 15 lbs (on my frame, that's a lot), and then I met my fiance. Everything just fell into place, that's part of how I knew he was it.

I think I'm still working on the confidence thing, though he notices little things that show that things are changing in me. When we first started dating, I wouldn't do anything with him if the lights were on, we often showered together and I would sit on the edge of the tub with my body covered instead of standing and being comfortable. But now, most of that has gone away. I'm glad that I have him to help me through it

It's just this last thing that I have to get over and now that I friggin' know about how his feelings for me have changed (the whole emotional and physical, versus purely physical thing), I think it will be much easier. I won't be in the heat of the moment and not able to enjoy just the physical side.