What would you do in this situation...?

[westindiesangel]

I don't really know where to start, so...let me start by saying that my parents are strict Muslims, and pretty serious about their religion. They're also ignorant and blatantly racist. I personally stopped believing in God when I was around 9 years old. I'm turning 20 and I've pretty much hid it from my parents all this time.

It was never really a problem for me until I began dating, and had my first serious boyfriend. He was a Muslim, but he was black, and when my parents found out, they pretty much flipped. My mom told me it was "embarassing" and that she could never walk around with her head held high if I was with a black guy, and basically that I would be disowned and out her will and not to even show up at her funeral if I ever wanted to date someone who wasn't "brown and Muslim".

Needless to say, from that point on, I felt...broken. I don't quite know how to describe it otherwise. I've had so much pent-up resentment for my parents, and especially my mother. I've gone through periods where I became majorly depressed, but would distract myself with other things, and it kind of fade. But every few months it comes back to haunt me and I can't ignore the feeling. These days I can't look at her, I have nothing to say to her, and whenever she speaks to me I get the most angry feeling. I can barely get out of bed some days because I'm so depressed. I don't know what to do. If I tell my parents I'm not Muslim they will just disown me. And it ruins any chances I have at real relationships elsewhere, because I have to sneak behind my parents' backs, which is ridiculous.

I feel like I'm trapped, and screwed over no matter what I do. I started looking for places to rent and such, and I want to just...leave. I don't know how to go along with my parents' backwards ideology, but I don't know how to fight it either. I feel like a coward.

Any thoughts or advice at all would be much appreciated.

 

[dietcokeg]

Girl, i know exactly how you feel!

Iam a muslim too, and my parents are very very strict! i can relate with everything you said - althought i myself do belive in god and consider myself a muslim iam by no means strict, i honestly dont pray but i would say i belive in God. Iam almost 20 like you and i hate having to go behinde my parents back like you said with relationships - when i was younger it was ok, but now iam older the chase seems really childish.

Ive noticed that with arabs in general they are very judgemental which i find funny becuase islam is not about that yet the claim to be strict muslims. I personally dont have many muslim friends but i d have a few, they are all so judgemental and arrogant.

I feel your frustration and i never thought i would be saying it because in an ideal world i would like to tell you to talk it over with your parents but if i know i told my parents i have a bf and am not a muslim i wont just be disowned, id wish i wasnt born!!

so i think the best thing for your peace of mind would maybe be to move out and try to make peace, I personally wouldnt say to them your not a muslim becuase i think it would really break their heart more then anything - but thats your decision to think over.

I say save money, tell them you want their support move out and conquer the world on your own b/c theyll never understand (from my experience)

 

[LC]

ugh what a horrible situation..you must feel so trapped. I've never been in this situation or anything even remotely close to it, but I imagine that just having a chat with your parents about how you feel will totally not work. They're probably set in their ways and thoughts for the rest of their lives. With that being said, it might just be in your best interest to keep kind of going along with their way, and doing your thing behind their back. They are your parents after all and I think rebelling and having them disown you would be a bad thing for you to do... however, you know your parents best. Maybe if you told them your standpoint and continued dating non-Muslims or whatever the case, they'd hate it, but maybe *eventually* they'd get used to it. I don't think you can expect them to every support your decisions, but hopefully for your sake they will at least get used to your decisions.

 

[InspiredBlue]

dietcokeg makes an excellent point. If you want to live your life as you wish to, you need to do it on your own. Sadly you can't change your parents beliefs over night, as much as you'd like to. Maybe (hopefully) they will come around one day in the future.

 

[marusia]

First off, I don't know much about Muslim culture. I do know, though, that where I live, everyone is either christian or thinks they are. I'm not...at all. I've just gotten to the point though, that if someone is talking about religion, I go along with it. If someone asks what religion I am, I say southern baptist. Any other answer, and I'm getting jumped down the throat to, "Repent, sinner!" It seems to work best for me. The only thing I can say though is that I'm sorry you're in a sucky situation.

 

[blondie711]

I can't speak to anything in relation to the culture, but can for having a parent that I believe is a blatant racist. I am quite a bit older than you and it has been a factor for me my entire life. I will say that the older I am, the more I know that I am not responsible for my parents, or anybody else in my family's, behavior, beliefs, morals, ANYTHING. I am my own person & I dance to the beat of my own drum, I always have. I no longer feel the anger, I just really feel sad for my father. He has missed out on so much because of his bigoted ways. I am just eternally grateful that I am not that way and neither are my children. I agree with Dietcokeg, save your money, move out and live your life on your own terms. It is not necessary, as much as we would all like it, to convince your parents they are wrong. In their "world" they are right, I don't think you can change that. Change your generation.
Good luck and know that you are not alone.

 

[Mabelle]

it's always so hard with strict religous types (of any religon), because of how deep the belifs run. You can't change them. I'm sorry, but nothing you say will change their beliefs. They will have to do that through reflection, which is so hard for many people... especially when they believe their culture or religon is telling them to be racist or whatever.

I always think to teh part of the movie Dogma, when Chris Rock's character goes on about how God doesn't like to that people have beliefs, because people will kill and die for Beliefs. But ideas, well, ideas can change.

My father is also racist. He had a racist father too. Now, i dont think he realizes it, and i think he doesnt "mean to be", but he is. And im sad for him. I know he is homophobic, and seems to be proud of it. It hurts me and sickens me SO much. And while i have publicly riped him a new asshole a fair few times (and he's shut up for the moment), he doesnt feel any diffrently. Sometimes i believe that there a part of him that doesnt really care about homosexuality, but i honestly think that enviornement, the class, the culture and the religon that he grew up with has just damaged him so deeply in that respect, that he has to convince himself its wrong.

Im very sorry for you. whatever you do, i know it will be difficult. I wish you the best of luck, and hope that your parents become more open to other ideas.

 

[kaliraksha]

I don't think you can be truly happy if you can't be yourself at home. Moving out and living on your own away from your parents is a transforming passage of right- for anyone. I know I didn't really find "myself" until I could live on my terms and not my parents. My parents weren't even very strict, they're just idealist and don't accept their children disagreeing with them.

My relationship with my parents is so much better now than when I lived at home. I don't think you can really lead a life that isn't your own... you are getting another version of your life. One where you don't get to make decisions based on your true morals or beliefs.

It's scary to consider taking care of yourself entirely and what that really entails. Do you have a friend you can consider getting a place with? Having a room mate makes that switch easier in various ways.

As for long term, once you make the move you will see your parents differently and will have new life experience to help you approach situations. You can find ways to make a gradual change in your relationship with them and maybe even their views.

Relationships with parents are so so delicate, one of those places where there are so many variables that you will have to tailor any advice you get. Good luck, hope you find a way to make yourself happier =)

 

[ashley8119]

I agree with everything that has already been said. I'm sorry you're stuck in this situation, I can't imagine how it must make you feel!

 

[westindiesangel]

Wow you guys. I'm honestly so grateful for all your responses and support. I feel a lot better just knowing that people outside the box understand me, and your perspectives have given me much more to think about. There's so many problems in my family that everyone seems to sweep under the rug and ignore.

I do have money saved up and will find a place of my own or share with someone. But it's very scary for me. I don't really plan on telling my parents I'm leaving. I plan on leaving them a letter telling them how I feel and the toll it has taken on me. I don't really do well in verbal debates - and I don't feel the need to try and convince anyone I'm right - and I know she will put the whole institution of family and friends to try and convince me of otherwise if I do tell her, and prevent me from leaving. Basically, I want to avoid a scene. That will be my one regret, probably, but I'll leave them some contact info so they can communicate with me if they choose.

I don't know. This is what I plan to do, but it makes me feel small. I just wish I had the guts and ability to actually tell my parents face to face and then deal with the chaos that would ensue. But I don't. :/

 

[kaliraksha]

That's ok. I hate verbal conflict as well. I think the priority here is making yourself happy. Is there any situation where your parents would support you moving out right now? What if it was to further your education or to take a job in a different part of town?

You might do everything you think is right, but sometimes there is no way to please some people. I think that's why it's so important to please yourself. No one else will get it right.

 

[westindiesangel]

My mom just went crazy on me.

First she threatened to make all my friends never want to be friends with me again because I don't "have a relationship" with my brother and sister but have time for my friends. Which is true because they are the ones who understand me.

Then I asked her if I could have my tax refund cheque and she said no. WTF? So I asked why, in case, I dunno, she needed to do anything else with it or something. I'm no expert on tax refunds. She just said no and kept yelling when I demaded to know why, or else I would take it. I walked away with it and she grabbed me from the back by the hood of my hoodie so I turned back and tried to push her away. Then she kept trying to hit me but she didn't get very far because I blocked her. :/ Then after the whole ordeal she comes in my room and stirs up the same crap again, saying she's gonna take away my phone and give me hers, and I said, no way, you can have them both and I'll get me own. Then she said I'd be paying for the phone whether I like it or not. :S

I'm so frustrated. I want to pick up and leave right now. I'm gonna start packing my things in case things blow up more tomorrow! I mean, arguing is one thing, but if you want to start putting your hands on me, that's where I draw the line...

 

[InspiredBlue]

You are an adult. Your parents have no right to take your tax refund. You need to move out asap. If they are taking your mail and such, maybe you could look into getting it sent to a friends house or a post box, until you have a stable address of your own.

I have no insight into how this works where you are, but if your parents are keeping a tax refund issued by the government/tax authority from you, you might be able to contact the relevant authorities and get it reissued. If the payment is to you, then I am assuming your parents would not be able to cash it without your consent.

And, this goes without saying, but how would she make your friends not like you? She is making empty threats. Just because someone is biologically related to you doesn't necessarily mean they are a person you would like to be close to (or as close as ones closest friends) - be it a parent or a sibling.

I know it can seem impossible to break free and the cost (i.e. the conflict that would ensure) just seem too big, when you are in the middle of all this. But when you take a step back and think about it - are you really gaining much from being on your parents "good side" by staying in their home?

Abusive parents are always big on the "you owe us because we raised you" thing. (I know.) But you don't. You do however owe yourself to try to live a happy life, without threats and abuse.

I really hope you can get out of this situation as soon as possible.

 

[spectrolite]

I completely understand where you are coming from. My family are strict Muslims too. I went through the same feelings as you. When I was around 13 or so I started to question *everything* about religion and my family's ideology. I didn't want to be Muslim. It was really tough hiding the way I felt from everyone because everyone around me was a strict Muslim too and saying anything against Islam would result in someone running off and telling my family which would mean trouble for me usually in the form of violence. It was so frustrating and I suffered with those feelings alone for many years.

When I was 19 I managed to convince my mother to let me stay in the dorms at my university. I got to experience freedom from all of the rules for the first time and it felt so good. I decided that I had to make a decision. Was I going to remain a fake-Muslim with my family, marry and be an obedient and good wife to someone and continue to live a lie or was I going to take charge of my destiny and go and live my life for me.

I chose to leave. I wont get into specifics but I got on a plane without telling my family or friends because they would all try to stop me, and I left that life behind. In the end I paid for it by losing all of them. Me and my mom are still in contact but I have not been home in over a decade and they all think that my soul needs saving and that I am pretty much destined to burn in hell for my sinful existence. I would be happy to go home and visit but that will never, ever happen until they can accept me and love me for who I am, unconditionally, like a family should. It is their loss.

But I don't regret my decision...much. I am sad that I broke my mothers heart but I am proud that I was able to stand up for myself and live my life the way I want to without any judgment, rules, restrictions, or limits. I followed my heart and as hard as it was to leave them all behind it would have been so much harder to live a lie - pretending to be someone I wasn't. That burden was eating away at me and all I felt was despair knowing that I could never do the things that I wanted with my life while living that lie.

You have to do what is best for you

If you decide to leave make sure you have a plan in place, a place to stay, and a job. It's hard being completely alone without any family and friends to support you. It took me a few years to settle in and stop thinking that I was a bad person for leaving. If you decide to stay then try to endure it until you decide what you want to do. Either way good luck to you, it is not an easy situation to be in at all. Be strong

 

[Meisje]

You should move out. Any religious-based conflicts you have with them aside, that's not a healthy environment for you. They don't have the right to withhold money that's legally yours and what you described is a very toxic environment.

You could always leave without the big blow-up or confrontation. Get your stuff and get it out under the radar and then let the chips fall where they may. If you give them advance notice you're leaving they will do everything they can to stop it.

 

[westindiesangel]

Thank you everyone, and especially spectrolite. Your story was really inspirational and I admire your will!

I am starting to move my things out little by little starting today. I realized what a makeup freak I was when the first things I went to pack were my precious makeup supplies and nail polish collection, lol. But hey, they're expensive!! I am in a much better mood and plan to be out by Thursday...today I'm hopefully going to be keeping some things at my cousin, and my friend said he could organize a place for me to rent within just a couple days.

And then I will go job-searching like crazy. I have a few friends who may be able to put in a good word for me as well. I don't want to stay at my current job because I don't want my parents to come seek me out.

 

[InspiredBlue]

Since I have no details on this I am just going to throw it out there: If this becomes a big family drama, are you sure you can trust your cousin to not break down under pressure from her/his own parents or from yours?

 

[LC]

Quote:

Originally Posted by InspiredBlue Since I have no details on this I am just going to throw it out there: If this becomes a big family drama, are you sure you can trust your cousin to not break down under pressure from her/his own parents or from yours?

i was wondering the same thing..

but like spectrolite said...make sure you have a well thought out plan. once you leave, you won't have your parents support. so if you get into trouble, you're on your own. good luck and please keep us posted!!

 

[westindiesangel]

Quote:

Originally Posted by InspiredBlue Since I have no details on this I am just going to throw it out there: If this becomes a big family drama, are you sure you can trust your cousin to not break down under pressure from her/his own parents or from yours?

Oh, yes. She is my most trusted confidant!

I am very close with my aunt (her mom) as well because she grew up in Canada and my grandma was unbearably strict. She had to get married to get out of her house, and she knows my situation. She knew about when I dated the black guy, and offered to help me sneak out to go see him. Whenever we go party my aunt protects that fact from my mom. She really does not like my mom and how she is at all, lol. I wouldn't go as far as to tell my aunt all the details about how I'm moving out though. Would never want to put her in a compromising situation like that.

And I definitely minimize my mom's knowledge relationship with my cousin, so she has no reason to grill her incessantly for details about me. I don't want to put them in any uncomfortable situations, like I said.

I already have a living arrangement too. My bf's friend said I can rent a room in his house, so I feel much safer and more comfortable

 

[Shadowy Lady]

well, I'm a lil late with advice but I share a story with you anyway.

I have a friend who was in a very similar situation. She's older than you now (she's 28) but she's also from a very strict muslim Pakistani family and her mom especially is also quite racist. I remember back in high school her mom didn't even like her hanging out with me. My parents have muslim background (we're Persian) but they don't practice religion and raised us all to believe what we wanted to belive (I'm an Atheist). For that reason, her mom always was upset when I visited, called me the "white" devil behind my back :/ She could never attend school dances and had to date ppl secretly. My friends put up with it until she graduated from university and accepted a job in a city far away from her parents. She left without telling them (just left a note). Only me and another friend knew about it. She's been away for 6 years now. She has a great job and an amazing fiance. Her parents finally accepted that she's left and she's her own person. She now talks to them on the phone sometimes but their believes don't bother her. She's her own person with her own life and sets of believes.

I thought I share my friend's story as an inspiration. Like others have said, you do not chose your parents, but you have a say in the person you want to be. Don't live your life in a lie to please ppl. I know you need to respect your parents but it should not be a one way street. Your living arrengments sounds very unhealthy to me

Good luck and please keep up posted.