when your boy's parents don't like you...

[eeyorebb]

is it crucial that the boyfriend's parents like you right from the start?
long post ahead: here's the story

my boy and i have been friends for ages..so his parents know who i am, we started dating recently but havent openly told them yet, because it seems his mum doenst really want us together.

his dad has not said much, but his mum reminds him at random times about a few things...that annoy him, he really wants us to work.

his mum doesnt like me because:
- she wants his son to have a taller girlfriend (he's 180cm, i'm 150cm) so we're quite a bit different
- she knows about my past (like how i've had a few boyfriends before) and doesnt like it (although i really am not the same person anymore, i've changed quite a lot since then)

she tells him that he will meet lots of pretty girls in uni, and implies that he shouldn't 'settle with me'...

he and i want to keep trying and hopefully change his mum's mind, but my question is, is it really crucial or necessary that his mum likes me right from the start? i am bugged by this, i feel like she should, but i know this isn't always the case (my own parents had problems with in-laws before..so i know it can work)

i'd love to hear your stories if a similar situation has happened.

 

[mspixieears]

Having run that particular nasty gauntlet myself, it pains me greatly to say that the best thing to do in such a situation is get out while you still can and while your heart remains unbroken.

I fought that fight, and lost miserably. Admittedly, they are a very neurotic family, and have this weird way of sabotaging one another's potential happiness (don't ask). At first they were very nice to me, but apparently they took it upon themselves to append blame onto me and pretty much made it clear that I'm not welcome as a friend to my ex, to call them or to go to their house.

My god, I so hope you're not going out with the arsehole I went out with a few years ago who pretty much said he dumped me because I was too short. Melbourne is a small (and nasty) place.

Oh - and yes, I was plenty stupid. The fellow in question (not the a-hole, but my new-ex) was pretty damn tall - sorry, an aside - not only broke my heart once but twice. The first time we split up, it was pretty much due to the pressure his parents put on him.

Get out while you still can

I wish I could offer 'real' advice but in my experience, things never got better despite my trying. And I did offer to initially extend an olive branch of sorts. Sorry if my bitter twistedness is affecting my judgement here.

Good luck hon, whatever you decide. I don't envy you one bit.

PS feel free to PM me if you want so I can explain further/not be so vague/be generally comforting etc.

 

[eeyorebb]

thank you

no worries, it wont be the same guy...i'm his first girlfriend (we've known each other for ten years now)

it worries me because...well yea...all my guy friends (my "brothers") dont think height should be a problem, and they are telling the truth...most have liked me before, but we never did go out..anyways back on track...i AM scared of getting my heart broken... but i guess i already am in a bit deep....we just started going out..but have had feelings for each other for three years now..strange huh?

i'm sorry things didnt work out with you. but yes...parents making things tough is exactly what i'm afraid of!

my boy...used to think height was a problem...i even called him shallow for that...but we spoke about it again (after the issues wiht his mum was brought up) and he felt completely changed about that..he doesnt care anymore

>.< i am still scared though...man..boy's parents..sounds so scary, i mean, exactly like you said, they seem nice and stuff to you, but then sorta talk behind your back? his mum smiles at me..the few times she's seen me..she's even taken care of me once when i got a sudden blood nose...and was all nice about it, BUT...it seems she has things she doesnt like about me, and its only now that she says them out! (to her son)

 

[msthrope]

i think the bottom line has to be how much does what his family thinks mean to him. i lost one relationship in the past because his brother thought i was a "two bit whore". the current relationship i am in is completely doomed to faliure because of his family. i am in the relationship knowing that, but it does get difficult living constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. the current guy's mother will never accept me because i'm taller, i'm older, we met on-line, i'm not from the US, and he came here to stay with me (therefore i am a whore and she "never wants to see my face"). i am of the opinion that parents will eventually be happy for their children if they see their children happy or at least make some sort of peace with their decision. my brother is gay and my redneck dad took my brother and his partner out for supper, so i know partners do come around. that said, my mother refuses to ever meet my brother's partner, but at least she isn't trying to "straighten out" my brother any more. mothers are tough nuts to crack. my boy's family is the disowning kind though. he talked about leaving his family for me and i said i could never let him do that. ultimately, family is family and if family means something to you, letting it go will be a decision that comes back to haunt a person. i told my boy i don't want it to come back to me in a day or a year or 10 years that i forced him to pick me over his family, so i'd rather he didn't pick me. talk to your boy and see how he feels. i'm not sure how old you are or how serious this is, so it may not even need to be an issue at this stage. you have to decide for yourself and with your boy.

 

[eeyorebb]

well we're both basically 17 turning 18 soon..

and yes..another issue..that my boy USED to have..that his mum might have..is that i'm 4 months older than him?

kinda wierd...and yes..i'm quite a bit shorter than him..a nd i guess his mum sees me as a whore/player type perosn too..

well..his family does mean a lot to him..all his life so far..his parents have had a lot of control..but he himself has been wanting to break away from that...get more freedom...he doesnt beleive his parents can stop him having a gf..much less pick who it will be.

i have always been a bit...weak..or selfless..he knows that...i'd rather put other ppl before myself..so whilst i do want him to sorta pick me over his family...i tell him otherwise...but he knows what goes on in my head..

we both take the relationship seriously..maybe not to marriage..its a bit far for us...but as far as we can see...yea...his mum thinks he'll meet lots of pretty girls in uni..so he shouldnt 'be in a rush to get a gf now (me)' but we're both satisfied with each other (i tell my bf that his mum is right..many girls he hasnt met..but he reckons he just wants me and isnt intrested in meeting girls no more).

 

[mspixieears]

Quote:

Originally Posted by msthrope i think the bottom line has to be how much does what his family thinks mean to him. i lost one relationship in the past because his brother thought i was a "two bit whore". the current relationship i am in is completely doomed to faliure because of his family. i am in the relationship knowing that, but it does get difficult living constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

He f-ing said that?! What a...son of a motherless goat!

(wanted to enter an emoticon where steam coming out of ears to express how angry that comment makes me).


"...the other shoe to drop." - that's exactly what happened to me! I mean, it dropped, sort of knew it was coming. Sigh.

 

[msthrope]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mspixieears He f-ing said that?! What a...son of a motherless goat! (wanted to enter an emoticon where steam coming out of ears to express how angry that comment makes me).

exact quote!!! there wasn't a lot of love between us.

sorry your shoe dropped. i am "looking forward" to that day with MUCH dread, so i know the feeling. /hug

 

[vloky]

So, in order to date someone you should be born the same day and year, and be the same height? Wtf?? *confused* If all they can find to complain about is you being 4 months older and shorter, than they are digging for things to complain about.. Some people just need to find fault with everyone in order to make themselves feel better.

 

[jeannette]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mspixieears Having run that particular nasty gauntlet myself, it pains me greatly to say that the best thing to do in such a situation is get out while you still can and while your heart remains unbroken.

I think this is excellent and very sensible advice by the wonderful mspixieears!

Quote:

Originally Posted by eeyorebb my boy...used to think height was a problem

Hey! I've had the same experience. My ex made quite a bit of noise about our difference in height (he's 180 and I'm 154). I left him very soon after because I have a very low threshold for childish nonsense like that. I don't really get it...why is height a problem? If it's because tall people look good together, then I don't want to be with someone so superficial.

I hope you're feeling better, eeyorebb.

Heed mspixieears's advice; it's good.

 

[eeyorebb]

i guess i'm not sure if its going to be a real lasting problem?

he seems not to mind anymore, although when i feel depressed, my worries do come back, but that is my fault now, not his.

thanks so much!

yes..i agree..i will keep mspixieear's advice in mind.

i still think about the fact that i'm his first girlfriend, so sometimes he steps across 'the line' without realising, but maybe i'm just making excuses. i'm not sure. he just makes me so happy, but then i agree..someone who is superficial is not worth it!

is it also wrong to sorta give a relationship a time limit? he agrees that we both don't know the future. but wiht the whole parents issue, he seems to have ruled me out as being marriage material for him, in fact he said that he sees us being together a long time , but that two years seems like a long time to him. but now, he hints about us having kids and stuff. i'm so confused!

 

[kimmy]

honey, it's RARE that a boy's mam likes his girlfriend. that's just how mams are i guess, but you know alot of parents are into living through their kids.

so, you may be perfect for him. you may know that and he may know that. but maybe because she's unhappy with some of her life choices, she thinks he will be as well, you know?

i say, don't worry about it though. if he makes you happy, and you make him happy, then nothing else really matters. it's not his mam's life, it's your life and his. therefore, it's pretty much out of her hands.

and i'm sure that once his mam sees how happy you guys are together, she'll warm up to you. mams are just difficult sometimes hah.

i wouldn't worry about having your heartbroken, to be entirely honest. i've been through it a few times, and while it can be devastating, it has to be one of the most amazing things you'll ever experience. i know, that sounds rather twisted, but you learn from every heartbreak. i'm one to believe that you should love without fear because that in itself will cause you unrepairable problems.

feel free to pm me if you want to talk more about this, i know relationships can be really difficult and sometimes a girl just needs someone to talk to about it :]

 

[Isis]

His mother is an extremelly shallow and aweful woman to have said the things she did.
If you feel your relationship with your boyfriend still works, than I say stick with it!

My b/f and I have been together for 4 years this New Years Eve and his parents won't have anything to do with me because I'm not Korean or Korean-American. I can't call the house, much less go to his house if anyone's home but him, I can't even go to their church withough getting back-stabbed and cold-shouldered by the entire congregation (except for a couple of his unlces, a few cousins, and his little sister). Anyway, it's a pretty long and rotten story, but I deffinitelly know how you feel

For the first year and a half it was insanely hard for us at times, but it was also been worth every second

The other day he made a comment to me that the past 4 years have probably been the worst 4 years of my life (legal problems, my dad passing away, his family issues about his dating me, and loads of other things as well), but that he's glad he's been there for all of it with me. Paul is quite possibly the best thing that has ever happened to me

The both of us have gotten past the point where we gave a d@mn about what his parents thought of me. Quite frankly whatever they have to say on the subject, if they ever found out we are still seeing eachother, isn't going to change a thing. What does matter is that we still love eachother very much & are willing to do whatever it takes to stay together.
So I hope my little story gives you some light

 

[mspixieears]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jeannette I think this is excellent and very sensible advice by the wonderful mspixieears! Heed mspixieears's advice; it's good.

I must say that while I feel it's the best course of action, that doesn't mean I actually like the idea of it. Fairlady might have a good point, after all. I so desperately want to be wrong!!!

Perhaps a more helpful and less negative angle: what does your heart tell you to do? Perhaps the happiness with your boyfriend can overshadow the other underlying issues? You'll always have the bad thought at the back of your head, but perhaps if it were to end due to the pressure of his mother/family, at least you will have had some precious moments together.

So I guess it's weighing up the pros and cons; will the heartache of losing him now be equal to losing him later? Will losing him later but having the chance to be with him for some time feel worth it?

I chose the latter; and yes I felt it to be worthwhile, but it wasn't good for my self-esteem, knowing that my ex refused to tell his family about me (he thought they would pressure him to break up with me - yeah, well, they did!), especially when I suffer from clinical depression. And I feel such anger towards them - I'm rarely ever angry, it feels so ugly. All the insecurities raised...just made me feel like an even worse version of myself.

But now, I've only myself to blame for my inadequecies

Hope this takes the edge off my brutal honesty/negativity. My best wishes to you.

 

[Isis]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mspixieears I must say that while I feel it's the best course of action, that doesn't mean I actually like the idea of it. Fairlady might have a good point, after all. I so desperately want to be wrong!!!

I may be right and I may be wrong. But I know it works for us. And what's right for us might not be for everyone else. You know?
I will admit though that he did try to break it off at that year and a half mark, when things got really bad, to try and spare us both the agony of having to go through it later. It only lasted 3 days, partly because his cousins managed to beat some sense into him. Which is wonderful to know I do have a few memebers of his family on my side now.
He and I also have a mutual understanding about our situation & we've also come to terms with the fact that I may never be acceptable (even though his mother's sister married a white guy...I'd love to know how he works and I don't). Even though he's extremelly family oriented, he has made the decision that his family will never get in the way of what we've got again. And we'll fight to keep it if we have to. That's just us.
Here's the crux though. It's going to hurt like hell no matter if you do it now, or later. That's just how it is. It's the nature of the beast.

 

[eeyorebb]

ahh..

well for now we've agreed to keep going...i do think i'm very happy wiht him, like no one else before, and yes...while it does overshadow the issues, it will be at the back of my head, and it does make me think about my other 'imperfections'...like i dont have perfect teeth (never had braces) and they need to be whitened..i'm not incredibly skinny like the friends round me, i'm more the muscular type from exercise...haha

but i must say...i think whoeva i'm with...insecurities about imperfections happen!

and i will take into thought what you wonderful girls have said...i think i would rather spend time with him now, even if its more hurtful for my heart in the end, because maybe we just have hope to change...he's got hope that we can change the way his parents see me, so maybe we'll just hang in there.

i'm rather happy whit him though...he still tells his mum, when he's going to my place or something, so he tries not to hide from her

anyways all in all..that's what i've decided so far...if i have my heart broken, i'll be ranting here!

oh...and i suppose another thing that makes me a bit 'odd' is that...whilst my boy is very studious ...wants to be a doctor, or similar...i'm on the other end, studying to be an artist and maybe a teacher...so we're quite different, and being asian, maybe he parents will find it hard to accept my studies in art. *shrugs*

guess we'll have to see

 

[Joke]

If you want so stick with him and love him, here's my advice:
- It doesn't help if you complain to him about his mother (at least in my case I doesn't). He is going to love her forever and respect her, even if you hate her

.
- It does help if you talk to his mother. Don't going into the defensive (like I did in the past), but just talk to her and let her know that you really love her son!

HTH
But if you have doubts, break up!!

 

[eeyorebb]

thanks..

its kinda strange...i'm not much of a person to hold anger...i respect his mum a lot..i admire her..raising four kids..haha...(my bf is teh oldest....and being asian..it makes it doubly hard for parents to let go i suppose)..so complaining about his mum/dad ..is something i never do...and in general i try not to show if i'm upset

but yes...if i get chances..i will try to talk to her

 

[Pink_minx]

......

 

[Pink_minx]

well his mom is being shallow. All that physical look shouldnt matter to her. I mean if I was the mom I wouldnt care just as long as my son is happy with the person he is with ya know. I think its stupid. But just give it some time.

My bf's family had that problem, they wanted him to go out with a blonde hair girl who is caucasian like them but he prefers asian girls "me" hehe. Sometimes I feel his sister doesnt like me or im not as good enough like my bf's brother's gf. Since they always calling me her name instead of mine. So it gets weird and uncomfortable sometimes, dont worry too much about it. You will do fine! and height shouldnt matter!just give it some time.