Work issues, am I justified to be upset?

[Shadowy Lady]

hey guys I wanted to just ask your opinion about something that happened at work last Thursday and am still thinking about it....I have no idea why I'm so upset though :/

A lil bit of background: as some of you know, I work in the very male dominated field of mechanical engineering and as part of my job, I do routine construction site inspections (few times a week). I've been at this job for 2.5 years now and work under my young-ish supervisor (he's in his mid thirties). We usually get along great, he's an amazing mentor.

Anyway, I was supposed to be in the office all day on Thursday and took the opportunity to really dress up and wore a nice shift dress and heels. I do this often when I know I'll be in the office and not on site. You're not supposed to wear skirts on site as part of safety plan. I got a bunch of compliments from random folks in the office on how I looked. But then I went to ask my supervisor for something and as soon as he sees me he goes: "are you gonna go to site like that??". I was really annoyed to hear that. First of all he knew I was gonna be in the office all day. Second of all he's aware that I have a pair of pants in my car in case I have to do site visits unexpectedly (he knows that too). And lastly I've had this job for 2.5 years, you think I know how to dress accordingly!!!

Anyway, I was really really pissed! I feel like I was pretty much called stupid or something! Or he's just been a jackass or maybe even sexist

And I totally didn't expect to hear that from him. I'm actually still upset even though it's been 4 days since the occurrence. I usually don't let what ppl say get to me so I don't know why I'm so upset. The day after every time I saw my supervisor, I'd remember what he said and get annoyed so i just avoided him all day. But I can't really do that forever u know....I wish he'd apologize

How do you guys think I should solve this? would you be upset in my shoes? Sorry if the problem sounds lame but I'm honestly very upset about this

 

[Shimmer]

I'd let it go. You were dressed different from your norm. He likely didn't mean any insult by it.
Not that it's not annoying, but still. There are plenty of other things to get annoyed about.

 

[LMD84]

ddon't appologise because you think this sounds lame! honestly i don't think it's lame at all.

i totally understand how you feel because i too work in a male dominated enviroment. by the sounds of it, he was just being a bit of an ass. yes the comment was sexist. however if you have never had any other kinds of issues with him before then i'd say that perhaps he just didn't think before he spoke. i can see why you're upset about it. you made an effort to look nice for the office (and i'm sure you looked gorgeous!) and perhaps he was just taken aback from it?

i think that if on monday you are still annoyed, maybe speak to him. just say that the comment he made, made you feel as if you are stupid. remind him that you always keep trousers in your car just in case. no need to make a big deal about it to him, just make sure he knows that the comment wasn't appriciated.

 

[kpenn]

I agree. Perhaps he was just taken aback by seeing you all dolled up, or maybe he was having a bad day and his comment came off in a rude/condescending way. Often we don't realize how our comments come across to others, so maybe just pointing it out to him as something that has really bothered you for several days will make him more conscious of his comments in the future.

I'm taking a class right now called Women & Work, and if there's one thing that I've learned, it's that one should never pass up an opportunity to talk about gender norms and expectations within the workplace. Highlighting his comment as something that made you uncomfortable can only serve to remind him of the ways that gender operates in your place of work. I bet that he will really watch what he says moving forward.

And don't ever apologize for feeling upset about something, especially at work. As a place where you spend a great deal of your time, you have every right to feel as comfortable as possible there. The fact that you are avoiding your supervisor because of this indicates to me that it is an issue that needs to be resolved in order for you to feel comfortable at work again.

 

[reesesilverstar]

I'd let it go... I dunno, but in our field, I think that social queuing was missed on ALOT of people. So he probably didn't mean to offend you. Prolly forgot (didn't cross his mind) that you would still be prepared for a site visit, etc. He's not losing sleep over it, so why should you. Now when he starts shouting or being disrespectful and criticizing your judgement because you're a female (as has happened to me), THEN you have reasons to be upset, demand apologies and take it to upper management.

Other than that, let it go.

 

[angi]

I think if you are really focussed on it, maybe you should have a chat with him about it, but from what you've said, it sounds like something that is out of the ordinary for him.

Also, something I have to remind myself of everyday (I work in HR!) is that just because one person is self aware, or considerate, doesn't mean that everyone else is at the same level. Maybe it just slipped his mind that you kept trousers in the car. Maybe he genuinely thought you were scheduled to go out on a site visit that day?

 

[Eleentje]

Everything I wanted to say has pretty much been said already.
Most likely he was taken aback by your your outfit/makeup that really emphasized your femininity, so he blurted out the first thing that came to his mind. At that point he didn't really think that you, as a true woman, might have come fully prepared for any situation (i.e. bringing a spare set of clothes just in case you'll have to go to a site viewing). I think he pretty much forgot what your schedule was for that day as soon as he had seen you look so pretty.

What he said sounds pretty sexist to me, but it probably was more subconscious than conscious. As we all know, emancipation still has a long way to go... Even though we've already proven men that we can do the "man" jobs, and they let us, they still are rather territorial and expect us to act/dress like them then, if we want to do well at those jobs

I would definitely have a chat with him and let him know that he had actually offended you with his comment. Since you've mentioned that you have a good working relationship, outside of this incident, I'm sure that this whole thing wasn't intentional, and you'll be able to talk it all out. You really need to get this off your chest, as you don't deserve to feel miserable at work, while you haven't done anything wrong.

 

[abbyquack]

It's hard to really understand b/c I wasn't there and didn't hear the tone or really the full context of the comment. But the thing is, if it bothers you, there's no need to apologize for how you feel. It's totally legit to feel a bit bugged by that. I'd imagine that I'd feel slightly bothered by it. I don't think it necessarily warrants a chat, but then again, if you have a good enough relationship with him, you may want to, and he may not understand why it made you mad (to him he maybe didn't think anything of it) but it will open his eyes a little, and if he is a reasonable fellow, he will just be more careful about how he puts things in the future.

 

[paperfishies]

Just from your post, I do not believe it was a sexist comment. He may not have a filter and is just super blunt. He was probably worried more about the safety issues with you wearing a skirt in case in you had to go on site and it may have even slipped his mind that you'd be in the office all day. He could have easily forgot that you keep pants in your car, remembering where you keep pants is probably not on his list of priorities, as a sup. However, as a supervisor, what is on his list of priorities is the safety of all of his employees while they are on his watch.

Don't apologize for feeling pissed off, if it's how you feel, it's how you feel. I however wouldn't approach him about this because it seems like something very insignificant when you look at the bigger picture. Sometimes we just have to take things at face value. People say things without thinking. People say things with no bad intentions behind their words, especially when someone is semi comfortable with another.

From your post it just sounded as though he was concerned with the safety aspect in case you needed to be on site somewhere. I would chalk it up to that and move on. I would only see an issue if his nit picking became a habit.

 

[Shadowy Lady]

I do feel a lil stupid about being so upset today. Just one thing I wanted to add is that it's not unusual for me to wear skirts/dresses and being dresses up for work; I routinely so (at least 2-3 a week). Which is why his comment upset and surprised me.

I think I'm gonna let it go. He's been super friendly with me this morning, even brought me coffee, lol! I think he prob knows he upset me.

Working in a male dominated field is always a challenge. Trust me I've heard much worse than this. It's not about me being naive; it was just that I think so highly of my supervisor and I'm guessing that's what annoyed me.

Thanks again everyone

 

[nursee81]

I would just let it go in one ear out the other!

 

[Eleentje]

Good to know that everything is getting back to normal now

 

[LC]

man how annoying. I'd feel exactly how you feel. It sucks because what can you really say to him about it? nothing really, so your only option is to ignore it.

 

[cazgh]

Thing is men never analyse anything they just say it how it is. He prob didnt mean anything by it and probably didnt know it might have upset you. Think if your working in a manly role amongst men you kinda have to play the game - otherwise your really gonna stick out like a sore thumb and they will end up becoming 'weird' around you for fear of upsetting you and you will never get the chance to fit in.

Try not to be so sensitive and pretend your a man - water off a ducks back!

I worked in a 10 man design time as the only woman and bloody loved it, and worked in a women only marketing department and bloody loved that too - but very different rules and environment in both - and both worth their weight in gold

 

[BEA2LS]

i know i'm late for this, but i understand.. i get comments when i'm dressed up sometimes.. like "are you going for date tonight?", etc. it's weird because i also dress up a lot and i don't know why some days seem more dressed up than others?
right now i work with mostly woman and i would kill for my old job in a male dominated field lol.

 

[Shadowy Lady]

BEA2LS - lol, I know! The problem was that I get comments like that from women all the time, I just didn't expect it from men, especially not my supervisor whom I have high regards for.

I do enjoy working with men. That's how it's always been for me at work so I don't really know any other working environment. My supervisor and I are in excellent terms again. He just gave me a great review and also handed me one of our biggest projects to manage. As long as he doesn't make weird comments we're cool, lol!

 

[LMD84]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shadowy Lady BEA2LS - lol, I know! The problem was that I get comments like that from women all the time, I just didn't expect it from men, especially not my supervisor whom I have high regards for. I do enjoy working with men. That's how it's always been for me at work so I don't really know any other working environment. My supervisor and I are in excellent terms again. He just gave me a great review and also handed me one of our biggest projects to manage. As long as he doesn't make weird comments we're cool, lol!

same for me. and for the most part i love working with men! generally they make things less complicated and more straight forward than working with women. when i did work with all girls many years ago it was a nightmare! all the back stabbing and bitching was too much for me.

i'm so pleased to hear that things are going well and i'm pleased your review went well!

 

[BEA2LS]

I'm glad everything is back to normal. I guess he was having an off day.

 

[Meisje]

You know how women's minds go from A to B to C? Like, yours went from "he asked me if I was going to go to the work site like this" to "he questioned my ability to judge what to wear to the work site, therefore I feel he questioned my judgment in general" to "Grrr."

Wheras his probably went "Hmm, she's got a dress on. I wonder if she'll wear that to the work site?" *asks question* to "I wonder what I'll have for lunch" to totally forgetting that he asked you the question or why he asked it.

Men don't always have the complicated nuances behind their comments that we project there. He probably felt lost as to how to compliment how you looked without sounding sleazy, then just filled up the silence with whatever popped into his head. Or maybe he forgot about your pants and past job performance, and was afraid you'd go cause all the workers to fall off the beams. Or something. But I'm guessing he didn't in any way mean to question your intelligence, although logically I can see how you'd infer that.

Thus is the state of communication between the sexes.