"...a Son is yours until he takes a wife."

[DirtyPlum]

So I've heard the saying "Daughters are yours for life, a son is yours until he takes a wife".

I believe in that 100% and have seen it happen loads... I dont know how some women come to hold such terroritorial traits and have a hold over their husbands and I dont understand men who succumb to these evil witches and totally forget who and where they came from.

I'm not a mother or anything, but have witnessed this with my own brother and my sis in law (SIL) - my bro has completely flipped 360 and turned into this loser who lets his loud evil b*tch of a wife run her mouth off at my mum and the rest of the family. He doesnt say much and so she carries on disrespecting.
My parents are the most nicest, humble, modest ppl and thats how they have bought us up BUT the paranoid, arrogant, nasty freak that is my SIL is so immune to those qualities, she treats em like shite.

I wont go into the story but am feeling soooo disappointed in my bro who I seriously thought more of and just wanna know if any of you have dealth with this via your sons/brothers and HOW U HAVE DEALT WITH IT?
or maybe your experiences as a wife?

 

[nunu]

I know how you feel! None of my brothers are married yet bu i have seen this happen with my friends who their brothers get married and aslo my uncles

I can never understand how they change 180 degrees but they do, and the worst part is that she always turns out to be such a b****.

My room mate had awful SIL's (2) they really put her down and blame everything on her (especially when she was younger). Worst part is they all live in the same house, so she's always stressed out whenever it's time to go home because she knows that she'll be back to the drama filled home. I feel bad for her because you can see a huge divide in the family all because the SIL's.

 

[glassy girl]

Oh NO i've heard it to and i have a son (which by the way is the love of my life and a only child) I'm just gonna pray for a good daughter in law. Im always nice 2 my mother in law and i love it when my husband goes over there 2 see her, (even thou he would rather b with my family for the holidays ect. So i push him 2 go with his family cuz u no the saying what goes around comes around. So i treat my in laws with love/ Respect and crossing my fingers i get the same in return one day. Anyway ur sil will reap what she sows remember she will b a mother-in-law 1 day(if she has any kids)

 

[PuterChick]

I know what you are talking about. My brother married a young girl whom was very insecure and couldn't stand if he were paying attention to anyone in my family and not her.

We stopped talking to him and his wife for years because of all the BS we had to put up with. It just wasn't worth it. Fast forward 10 years later and I am closer to her than I am to my own brother. She matured and gained her self confidence, she got what she wanted so bad and that was my brother. She is so over it now!! I got in contact with them in '95 and they have two kids whom I love very much. Their 13 y/o daughter is one of my best friends and we share all things girly, including MAC.

Hang in there, I know exactly what you are going thru. Altho she never disrespected my parents!!

 

[purrtykitty]

Wow, I cannot imagine that at all! My in-laws are fantastic...and not that I would, but it would be a cold day in hell before my husband let me disrespect them in any way. If there's something going on with them that bothers me, I tell him and he tactfully handles the situation, and the same goes when there is a problem with my parents.

 

[CandiGirl21]

Quote:

Originally Posted by nunu I can never understand how they change 180 degrees but they do, and the worst part is that she always turns out to be such a b****.

Not to disagree a lot of men are like that and it sucks in some ways. However, my male family members aren't like that. All my uncles are close to the women and their mother (my granny)...

If I were to have either one to all three of my boys (when I have kids), leave me for their wife? I'd keep my cool and live mines. I know those are my babies, I will forever be mama. No "wife" is gonna change that!

 

[TISH1124]

My dh would never allow me to disrespect his mother or allow her to disrespect me. He will forever be her son and my husband all at the same time. Now he will not take sides against me if she thinks I should handle things in my house differently...he will never let her interfere in that manner, as most mothers do try to at some point...even mine does...But that is not allowed either. Honestly we never discuss the problems we may have with other family members on either side...Just a rule we have.

I feel if a man does not treat his mother with respect... I surely cannot expect him to treat me with respect. I man that takes care of his mom and treats her well....I feel will certainly treat me in the same manner if not better. That has been my experience.

I personally would never even think of disrespecting his mother in any manner whether I felt she was right or wrong...I was just not raised that way. I may disagree but with respect....I try to respect all elders even when it's very difficult at times.

 

[concertina]

There are a lot of DILs out there that treat their inlaws like crap, I agree.

However, as a DIL that tried very hard to get along with her crazy, sick, mean, angry MIL up until her death and continues to try and get along with her weird, not incredibly social FIL, it is *hard* to deal with people you are immediately supposed to love that you don't necessarily *like* because of one reason or another.

For me, my inlaws treated my husband like crap for most of his life. It was only after my MIL died that my FIL really started making an effort with my husband. It is hard to respect and love people that have treated the most important person in you life like dirt for most of his life.

 

[Beauty Mark]

My brother's girlfriend wasn't disrespectful, but she never wanted to say anything to us and behaved like she disliked us. I don't know what her deal was, but I think my brother always talked smack about us.

I don't think you can do anything about your sister in law via your brother. I hope your mother or someone stands up to her; she may be family, but that doesn't mean she can behave like a bitch to everyone

 

[girl507]

Well I must say I agree to this to some extent. Me and my ex broke up because his mother always had something negative to say about me and one day his stepdad called me up leaving me an awfully rude message just because I had told my ex I was upset at him. After this I came to the realization that with this message his family had gone too far and I'll admit I did get rude with them and told them how I felt what they had done was extremely inappropriate. Me and my ex ended up breaking up as a result of this. I believe that a son is yours and always will be, yet there are just times when you must give your son up. Basically I think marriage is a place where your son is no longer a son, but an adult who must face his problems on his own, but regardless you will always be your sons parents. I don't think wives have that much control over their husbands, but it is different then because your son is now part of a different family, not that i feel that a wife should be rude towards the husbands family. I mean I think there are boundaries. Some parts are taken away from the mother, but other parts remain

 

[DirtyPlum]

Im not just saying this cos they are my parents, but they have never been nasty or mean to her even tho she has annoying habits and tendencies.

There has been no justification for her behaviour towards my family - it just boils down to the fact that she is a horrible person.

My mum stood up to her yday and told her to look around at similar girls and how they get treated by their ILs and (rightly so) told her that she is the most fortunate and easy living DIL cos my parents keep their nose right out of her and my brothers business.

Its beyond me.

I have vowed never to be a DIL/SIL like her and agree that she will be a MIL one day and what goes around comes around.

 

[JustDivine]

You know, I recently told my brother he's a sellout and that I would not attend his wedding because I was disgusted at the way his fiance disrespected my parents. What annoyed me the most, was the fact that (even though I know that he knew deep down she was wrong), he defended her actions and her words, which if it was someone else, he would not tolerate it.

I'm disappointed that he doesn't stand up for himself. That he thinks I should put up with her often disrespectful behaviour. That all we've ever done is be nice to her...and she literally turned around and threw it back at us.

I sometimes am just appalled that he has forsaken his upbringing and lets her run things......seriously. I look at him and wonder if he's grown an extra head. It's unbelievable.

 

[mafalda]

Mmh, might be a cultural thing - but I have yet to meet a man who does not have strong momma's boy tendencies. I have never met one who would have turned away from his mooooooommmmmy for his wife's sake...
(And I still believe that it's the mothers that are responsible for turning so many male human beings into spineless suckers. Some of them don't, but so many mothers of sons are just incredibly selfish. And yes, I do have sons - and I try my best not to do that.

)

 

[NutMeg]

I don't think you own your children. People make their own choices, and I think it's a bit insulting to an adult to blame their wife for their actions.

 

[elegant-one]

I have an only child/son who has been married about 3 years now. He has always been the love of dh & my life - & still is. But we absolutely LOVE our daughter in law and treat her as our own daughter. She's told me that she is closer to me than her own mother. She told us that some of their friends have asked them if it was difficult to be married to an only child...& they both said no way, that we're great to them

On the other side of the spectrum, my Mother in law (now passed away) was unbelievably manipulative & downright mean & controlling to both of her son's wives. She would actually plot things to separate the marriages!!! Fortunately both sons were able to see/deal with it. Lord only knows how hard we tried, but nothing ever changed with her. One day she apologized...but it was too late - it was on her deathbed.

It's all about boundaries & respect - no matter if you're the mother or the daughter in law. That's what makes it successful with our son now. We know that they have to find things out & work anything in life out on their own as that is what actually helps seal a couple together.

 

[nunu]

Quote:

Originally Posted by NutMeg I don't think you own your children. People make their own choices, and I think it's a bit insulting to an adult to blame their wife for their actions.

I think it's just another cultural differences debate.

 

[LMD84]

see my mother in law is not the best in the world but i would never ever disresepct her in front of my hubby or any member of their family because at the end of the day it's his mum and generally when she's out of order he realises and calls her up on it.

his sister on the other hand i have had very strong words with!! she basically acted like she really liked me for years (i did her hair and make up for her prom and everything!!! and used to spend hours just chatting to her and stuff) and then i cam across her online blog where she slagged me off in any way she could! she says that i was ugly and fat like a manatee, that i'd look terrible in my wedding dress because i'm so fat and that she'd look better than me at my own wedding. and she also spred lies about me saying that i've been in fights where the police were called! what fights?!?! and even now i have no idea why she turned like this. but i sent her a rather strong worded email on how she could either be nice and just put up with me or continue the slagging off and i wouldn't speak to her again. she chose to continue slagging me off. nick now won't speak to her until she appologies to me which of course causes issues between the family because his mother thinks that i stop him talking to his sister which is not the case. that's his choice i'd never stop him speaking to her.

 

[*Stargazer*]

Quote:

Originally Posted by concertina it is *hard* to deal with people you are immediately supposed to love that you don't necessarily *like* because of one reason or another. For me, my inlaws treated my husband like crap for most of his life. It was only after my MIL died that my FIL really started making an effort with my husband. It is hard to respect and love people that have treated the most important person in you life like dirt for most of his life.

A-freaking-men. I hate my in-laws. I am done with them after a disastrous Christmas with them. My husband can do whatever he wants as far as they are concerned, but it will be without me and my children.

 

[florabundance]

Our lives are too similar, it's freaky DirtyPlum haha.
Well, as you already know my SIL is no cup of tea - a spoilt, selfish brat, actually, would describe her pretty much. On a good day, we can have a small conversation, but not for too long.
After I posted my thread on the topic, I just realised not to force it. And I know, when someone disrespects your family but is inextricably linked to you, it can frustrate you to tears lol.
Unfortunately (and i mean unfortunately in the very essence of the word), the extension of the family sometimes means there will be one or two bad apples that literally leave you scratching your head (like what does my son/brother/whatever see in this person?) .. but ultimately, there's just literally nothing to be done longterm.
But if someone came to my house and disrespected my parents, I would have no problem in questioning their behaviour and calling them out on it. It's your right. Yes, you love your brother and of course causing conflict is often not even worth the effort. But i firmly believe that if you let someone treat people however they want to, according to THEIR mood, for long enough..then they'll run with it and it'll just drive a bigger gap between you and your bro..or your brother and the family.

PM me sweety if you need to. xxx

 

[MAC_Pixie04]

I think it really depends on the kind of relationship that son already has with his family. My brother and my mom are EXTREMELY close. We don't have the same biological father, but he's chosen to take my dad's name because they are also very close. My mom and his now wife did not get along at all. It wasn't until after they had their first baby that her and my mom got together. She's closer to our family than she is to hers and my brother still calls my mom every single day just to say hi and visits whenever he can. I think the OP's situation is different and you're using the saying in excess to maybe explain what's going on with your sister-in-law and your family.

If the man already has a crap relationship with his family, it's not going to get any stronger when he starts to move on to his own family. I think it's different for everyone. My boyfriend and I just got engaged and even before, we split holidays as best we could. He comes to my family functions and I go to his, because I don't want to be selfish. His family was his family before I was ever his girlfriend and vice versa. We've already agreed on making sure that when we become our own family we'll try to stay as involved with each other's families as much as possible.