2 years for...nothing?

[itsjusstbeth]

Hoping I can get some advice from you lovely ladies, although I hope none of you have ever been in a similar situation.

I'm 24 and have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. Things are extremely serious between us, so much so that I temporarily moved to Israel with him this year, as it was a required part of his M.A. We had never lived together before this, and suddenly I'm finding that everything I previously loved about our relationship has disappeared. He's completely emotionally disconnected, never seems to want to spend time with me and finds it painful to have to tell me he cares about me. His ex-girlfriend has also been calling our apartment (in Israel!!) multiple times during the week. He only speaks to her if I'm not home, and the one time I answered she hung up on me. He says she's an important friend to him, but I can't seem to let it go.

I feel like I'm on the verge of ending this relationship, because I can't deal with someone who has no concern for my feelings anymore. We're not living together when we get back to NJ in June because he feels it's "too much pressure to get married". Am I crazy for thinking too much has changed to continue to invest my time and emotions in him?

I know this was really long, but thanks in advance to anyone who responds =)

 

[DigitalRain]

From your post, Im getting the feeling he still involved with his ex. Anytime a woman (esp. an ex!!!) is comfortable calling a man at his house where his girlfriend/wife is also living, that is a freaking red flag.

To me it sounds like he's trying to break off things slowly, ie the emotional disconnect, little or no time spent with you, ex girlfriend contact, and finally when we get back to the states, he doesn't want to live with you.

If he's no longer interested, and you feel unwanted and neglected, don't waste your time. Get your mind prepared now for a break up, if you think its going to happen and find a man who knows what a treasure you are. Life is too short to be miserable.

 

[nunu]

I think that he is still into his ex, the fact that he only talks to her when you're not home shows it.
The relationship seems to be falling apart. If he finds it agonising to tell you how much he cares about you then you should leave. He is breaking things off slowly.

Stick with your gut instinct.

 

[Lauren1981]

i personally think you are NOT crazy for how you feel. it sounds as if he's involved with/still cares for this ex. i don't care how much of a "friend" he says she is, with you as his new/current girlfriend he should respect you enough not to have another female calling him. plus, it's a little suspect that when you answer the phone she just hangs up. if they truly were just great friends, she wouldn't hang up and would have the decency to say hello to you and identify herself. plus, he just sounds like he's got some issues anyway.
i hate relationship problems. it just puts that nasty feeling in your stomach. i hope everything works out the way it's supposed to. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!! they always scream the truth
hope that helps

 

[LostinBubbles]

First off, there is no way all you have done in the past two years was for not. We live and learn from our life experiences and this is what develops us into the strong people that we are. Women thrive on emotions and connections, so it is never for nothing.

I do completely agree with DigitalRain that if he's no longer interested, don't waste your time. You've made the sacrifice for him by making this big, temporary move only to feel neglected. He should be showering you with affection.

And the whole ex girlfriend thing, yeah, BS radar on high alert! If this ex is so important, he can go spend his ill fated disregard on her. And girl, if it's painful for him to tell you how and if he cares about you, you have got to get out of that situation. Life is way to short to spend much time in regret or in limbo. It won't get better with time unfortunately.

Take this life lesson and don't let it pull you down. Mr. Right is out there, but Mr. Right-now, needs to go!

 

[GlitterGeet]

You are NOT crazy here. I've been in the similar situation and I left him when it got ugly. I should have left when I knew internally what my gut was telling me so it wouldn't not have been as painful, but at least I did.

If there isn't something going on, he should be comfortable talking to her when you're around as well. Hiding it, is not a positive sign.

 

[Skin*Deep]

I always tell my kids: if you wouldn't do it in front of me, then you shouldn't be doing it! The same principle applies here - if they were just friends shooting the breeze he could talk to her in front of you and she wouldn't be too chicken shit to speak when you answered the phone. If she was not trying to move in on your man she would politely ask how you are doing, and then ask if he is available. I think you'd be crazy to put up with it any longer....

 

[chiquilla_loca]

i'm sorry you are going through this.
you can't assume that your bf is still into his ex, but he could be talking to her about your relationship problems, because maybe he feels comfortable doing that, but that for me would definitely be a problem. he has an emotional connect with her! he should be talking things out with you, not involving her, and not even just chit chatting with her. that's disrespectful to you & unnecessary! if you don't see a future with him, it's time to break it off now! you have taken huge step forward moving to Israel to be with him! and for him to take steps backwards, like not living together when you get back to the states because it's too much pressure! ugh! seems like he's already planned to end it.

best wishes & take care

 

[blindpassion]

Yeah - the ex thing sounds a little shady.

The best thing you can do at this point is to stay strong (at least in appearance) sometimes when things like this happen, we get weak and desperate and try to control them to hold onto whats left of our relationship.

The best thing you can do is be independent, if hes not giving you what you want - damn girl, leave! If hes not willing to be 50 % of the relationship and work on it as hard as you are, or if hes not giving you what you need out of the relationship, then get out. If you get mad and show your vulnerability and show your controlling side, hes just going to separate from you even farther.

If hes messing around with his ex, his freaking loss! Stay strong, stay independent. 2 years of your life is a long time, but you know what, this two years is two years of knowledge that you will take into your next relationship.

Don't let his actions break you down!

 

[ClaireAvril]

Quote:

Originally Posted by DigitalRain From your post, Im getting the feeling he still involved with his ex. Anytime a woman (esp. an ex!!!) is comfortable calling a man at his house where his girlfriend/wife is also living, that is a freaking red flag. To me it sounds like he's trying to break off things slowly, ie the emotional disconnect, little or no time spent with you, ex girlfriend contact, and finally when we get back to the states, he doesn't want to live with you. If he's no longer interested, and you feel unwanted and neglected, don't waste your time. Get your mind prepared now for a break up, if you think its going to happen and find a man who knows what a treasure you are. Life is too short to be miserable.

^^Amen

 

[TISH1124]

I don't have any great advice....The ex thing does sound a little suspicious to me...because whats the reason for her to hang up when you answer if it's just friendly convo...and in the world of caller ID she knows you know it's her...duhhhh.....
But don't feel like the last 2 years were for nothing or wasted time...In life we learn and grow through our experiences. Just consider this an experience that has taught you what you don't want and hopefully you will make better choices in relationships down the road.
I hope everything works out. However, I always say when they stop spending time with you and it is not due to work related circumstances...there is a problem...When they stop showing you and telling you they love you or it's painful to say the words or show it...There's a problem.

Ok....My thoughts ...there's a problem.....

 

[User49]

I think you should have 'the chat' with him. Personally i couldn't deal with making the huge commitment of moving to be with a person and then feeling as if they don't care that much. Give him the benefit of the doubt and see how things go but it doesn't sound like theres a lota love going on here. I would be careful. x

 

[3773519]

Just leave that man....two years for nothing you say? No, you learn from your experiences. Its painful but hopefully you will go into the next relationship with caution, even though when it comes to love its hard to have rules...keep your help up...me personally it would kill me to know what it really was btwn the ex and him, so i would of called and asked nicely what was up to hear it from the horses mouth but then if shes hanging up the phone knowing you live there then she might just lie about whats really going down...

 

[kaliraksha]

There is definitely always an adjustment period when people move in together and he may be under a lot of stress to make you happy in an entirely different country while fulfilling his MA needs. I would seriously have a talk with him about how you feel about everything- his ex, his feelings, moving in together, adjusting to a new country, his lack of attention- ask him what's changed for him? At this point, if you can't have that talk or don't want to then I would say that's a clear sign you should let him go. You don't have to stay with him or give him another chance if you don't believe his answers or don't think they're justified but I do think it would be better for your peace of mind to try to understand where it's coming from. Also, you've probably made some huge life changing choices to move to another country with him and I would want to make sure that I tried to change or at least understand the situation before I left it.

Keep in mind that she might be the nut job and still be in love with him, but he needs to put his foot down and not feed her possible fantasies about getting him back or starting something. Does she live in Israel?

When I first moved in with my boyfriend I think I was a serious emotional mess to deal with... I didn't have any friends in the city, I didn't know the city enough to go entertain myself, I didn't have a job so I couldn't go shopping or spend time at work, and I wasn't in school yet... and he was in school and had a job and had guy friends... so we were in different places and I had to become my own person in this city without him to make it work together. Of course, I had his support and his love so it was a different situation. That's the part that would be unacceptable to me in your current situation that he can't seem to show his love and support for you.

I hope you get your answers and find yourself in a better place than you are today. 2 years are never for nothing, like everyone else said, you enjoyed the time you had together and you learn so much to take to a new relationship... that will make the new one even better and stronger.

 

[DancingBrave]

You're not crazy.

Unless he's super dense, he knows what a terrible partner he's being. There are only a few causes.

1. He's depressed/ emotionally drained and needs some input right now. This may be where the ex fits in. If you two aren't clicking he may be getting needed attention from her.

2. He's stupid and he doesn't care about how you feel.

3. He's not in to you anymore and he's trying to let you know without saying it.

Unless its the first cause, my suggestion is to end it unfortunately. 2 years is a while, but not that long in the grand scheme of life. It's not a waste, consider it a valuable learning experience. If you guys are really meant to be, he can use his alone time to figure out how to be a better partner. But you shouldn't be there getting your confidence beat down by his lack of appreciation for you while he figures shit out.

Life is short, go find people to surround you that MAKE YOU HAPPY, the majority of the time.

 

[06290714]

You're definitely not crazy, he is. Two years isn't a waste of time; matter of fact, no length of a relationship is ever a waste of time IMO because we always learn from it, I do at least. It makes you who you are today and what you know, and have learned.

The EX thing is super shady to me; if she's such a great FRIEND why can't they talk when you're home with him? And her hanging up on you makes it just a little more suspcious. Keep your cool, let him know that you're fine, like blindpassion said in appearance at least. Really think about it before you just end it?

Good luck mamas, *HUGS*.

 

[nichollecaren]

To answer your question directly, with all that you have said...you definately are not crazy.

I would daresay, u are being sweet and accomodating to someone who is demonstrating that he does not deserve it.

Perhaps i'm a bit drastic in my approach to life, and this is based soley on my own experience, but I see it like this: If you dont like how things are...state that clearly and honestly. If youve already done this, and there is no change...simply leave. I find men to be very black and white. They dont respond well to..."why dont you show me how much you love me anymore?" or "I feel like you dont care much about us" they respond to: "We have not been out in three months" "why were you so distant last night? you did not even give me a hug" "Do you still give a damn?" somehow subtle hints and gray areas dont seem to get through.

In any case, the ex is a clear red flag that I would not advise you to compromise on. He must realize it is one or the other-especially since she has been disrespectful. I promise you, unless you put your foot down, this will only escalate. If we ignore him for a second...just the fact that SHE is calling spells trouble. Do you call your exes long distance...everyday? Every OTHER day? Every week? I dont. I think the way she behaves is very telling because if he had established with her how much he respects you and how much you mean to him, she wouldnt dare call, much less to be disrespectful. It all comes back to him, and what hes putting out there about you or your relationship.

My advice is leave early-go back home...mend your heart. Give him the time between then and when he gets back home to be alone with himself and the ex. It will help him decide what he wants. And by then, you would have been well on your way to deciding if hes even worth it. You will not be able to decide as long as you are with him sharing the same space. You need time away to clear your head.

I know two years seems like a long time...I wasted 5 years doing something very similar. It is HARD to let go of invested time and effort...and love. But the more you put in, the more you stand to lose, and the harder it will be to leave. Remember that, and always look forward.

 

[foxxylatina07]

Quote:

Originally Posted by nichollecaren To answer your question directly, with all that you have said...you definately are not crazy. I would daresay, u are being sweet and accomodating to someone who is demonstrating that he does not deserve it. Perhaps i'm a bit drastic in my approach to life, and this is based soley on my own experience, but I see it like this: If you dont like how things are...state that clearly and honestly. If youve already done this, and there is no change...simply leave. I find men to be very black and white. They dont respond well to..."why dont you show me how much you love me anymore?" or "I feel like you dont care much about us" they respond to: "We have not been out in three months" "why were you so distant last night? you did not even give me a hug" "Do you still give a damn?" somehow subtle hints and gray areas dont seem to get through. In any case, the ex is a clear red flag that I would not advise you to compromise on. He must realize it is one or the other-especially since she has been disrespectful. I promise you, unless you put your foot down, this will only escalate. If we ignore him for a second...just the fact that SHE is calling spells trouble. Do you call your exes long distance...everyday? Every OTHER day? Every week? I dont. I think the way she behaves is very telling because if he had established with her how much he respects you and how much you mean to him, she wouldnt dare call, much less to be disrespectful. It all comes back to him, and what hes putting out there about you or your relationship. My advice is leave early-go back home...mend your heart. Give him the time between then and when he gets back home to be alone with himself and the ex. It will help him decide what he wants. And by then, you would have been well on your way to deciding if hes even worth it. You will not be able to decide as long as you are with him sharing the same space. You need time away to clear your head. I know two years seems like a long time...I wasted 5 years doing something very similar. It is HARD to let go of invested time and effort...and love. But the more you put in, the more you stand to lose, and the harder it will be to leave. Remember that, and always look forward.

I defitnetly have to agree with this post because sometimes we invest emotional feelings into a relationship and then things start changing all of a sudden.

Why? Why does it have to always be this way with most guys? What did that ex do to him that he feels that he has to shut you down and let her in? Um last time you checked they were over and done with, so why is she calling there and when you pick up she hangs up? Hmm that's pretty suspicious to me.

I would sit him down and talk to him because his change is really suspicious and he's acting as if it's over between you and him. I don't know but I don't like this situation. Especially the fact that he has trouble telling you how he feels about you that's another hmm and a red flag.

The way I see it is that he's slowly but surely breaking things off with you but in the silent way. Only problem with that is that his actions are showing you what he's not telling you. You see I'm a GREAT believer in KARMA and what goes around comes around. My best advice is for you to leave, come back to the states and don't call him because you need time for yourself and to heal you heart. Even though that's gonna take a while because he wasn't upfront with you and he hurt you pretty bad. Also you invested 2 freaking years of your life and this is what he does to you?

*Sigh* I wish you the best of luck and keep us posted please because I want to know his reaction when you talk to him because this boy (I can't even say man) needs a talking to. *HUGS*

P.S. Life is too short to be miserable over the ONE guy who can't appreciate you. There's plenty out there to choose from. Just keep your guard up with the next one. Good luck.