Advice needed - I feel like an outcast (drinking)

[Chikky]

Hi Ladies and Gents,

I haven't been here in forever, but am looking for some thoughts and advice.

All my other social awkwardness aside, there is something I just can't get past. And let me be clear, and say right now that I have never been abused, no one in my family has an alcohol problem, and I enjoy a good wine with dinner.

I am not anti-alcohol. I am, however, extremely anti being around drunk people. At all. Ever.

I always have been. I never had that urge to drink, not ever. Not even when I was younger. I've never seen the point in getting drunk to get drunk. No one needs alcohol to have a good time. I have an issue when someone states that they do.

So, you can say 'Stay away, then!' And I agree with that. But...

My SO... he doesn't drink excessively. I mean, he likes a beer after work some days (and it makes my skin crawl, because I don't feel anyone NEEDS a beer just because work is over. My work sucks, too, but I've never had the need for alcohol to get over it) but he's not drunk, or at the ball game, and as stated, we both enjoy a good wine. In fact, we belong to a wine club! But, again, no one there gets drunk. It's all responsible.

He HAS gotten drunk before. Plenty of times over the years, though it probably just seems like a lot to me. And he does say mean things to me sometimes when he's drunk. Last Christmas, his family was in town and they had a party and it got way out of hand. I'm talking, puking, lying on the floor of the bathroom out of hand. His family, are all drinkers when they get together. All of them. Most of them get wasted every time I see them.

I love him, and his family, but as the holidays approach, I am becoming literally terrified about this. I can't stand being near them anymore. I worry every time I am NOT with him, and one of his relatives are. We have a dog that is our baby, and I am equally scared that something will happen to him when he's with my SO during the holidays (for relative's health reasons, I can't have the dog with me on my family holiday visits). I've already been witness to broken glass almost being eaten by the dog, and them feeding him things dogs shouldn't eat, all because they're tipsy.

We've talked about this, many times. And yet, last Christmas, he STILL got drunk. He hasn't since then, thank goodness, but the holidays and his family coming to town literally have me sick to my stomach. I am so terrified of it.

How can I ever enjoy his family? How can we be together? I already fear every get-together. This thing of mine just gets worse every year. And let's be clear; we're not young. I mean, I'm in my 30's, and he in his 40's. And hes the baby of his family, so they're all older than him. We're pretty much past the point of 'growing out of it'.

I just feel like such an unfun person, and I want to be part of the family and fun, but I just can't do it. I feel so alone in this.

 

[Debbs]

I work in mental health and deal with substance abuse and addiction issues on a daily basis . Completely understand and empathize with your situation . I think you both possibly need some counseling independently as well as together if you plan to make your relationship work . I would suggest counseling sessions, family/group therapy and AA meetings . I am rushing while posting so I plan to pm you as soon as I can. I was recommended a book recently by a very lovely person that I am still reading. It's called Co-Dependent No More by Melodie Beattie. I would suggest that you pick up that as well, have a heart to heart with your SO and rely on your support system. As I said, I will PM you soon but do not be discouraged and disheartened. Think of all that you do like about holiday get togetherness and possibly write down a list of pros and cons.