Am I avoiding my friends?

[X4biddenxLustX]

I'm 18, and graduated from high school almost a year ago. The same goes for most of my friends also. About 4 years ago I moved to a different area in the city, and since I don't drive I haven't really been able to see them as much. Up until about 2 years ago, I would make an effort at least every other week to meet up with them and hang out for the whole day. Summer was a blast and I loved every minute of it.

But for some reason during senior year, the visits became less and less frequents. That and along with the phone calls and messages. I mean we'd still talk and hang out every now and then but it was no where as great as it use to be. I guess we all started to get a bit more serious about things cause we were gonna be adults essentially after this year of school. We had to worry about finding jobs, school, and balancing out relationships.

There have been times when one of my friends would kind of pop out of nowhere and try to hang out. Sometimes we would and everything would be all nice but then we'd kind of lose contact again after that. And it keeps happening with practically all of my friends. Just last night one of them told me to wake up extra early today cause she doesn't have work until 6 tonight and that we should hang out. Well I have a doctor's appointment at 2:15 and then work 3-10 right after that. I mean I could of woken up earlier and hung out with her until my appointment. But I'm just soooo worn out from work and life that there was no way I was up to doing anything. I feel bad as if I'm a bad friend or something. I really do want to hang out with her and everyone else but everytime we go and make plans our schedules are all different and don't mesh. And when I'm finally free, I'm way too exhausted to do anything but stay at home and sleep. Sometimes I make up excuses about why I can't go out especially if they just randomly call me up and want to hang out THAT day. I'm not a very spontaneous person and need to make plans ahead of time. I feel as if I'm avoiding them or something. My intentions aren't bad it's just there is so much going on right now that I don't have the energy or time to go out and have fun with them. The bottom line is I feel like such a bad person and I don't really know what to do or say to them?

 

[iadoremac]

I dont think you are a bad person, people get busier the older they get. My mom has a very good friend but they only talk once or twice a month but are always there for each other no matter what, I think true friendship is more than how often you hangout with each other or how often you speak on the phone, as long as the foundation is right i dont think there should be a problem. I think you are right to ask them to plan ahead of time to get together and maybe you should also make an effort but dont feel bad its part of growing up. there is a saying in my country that 20 friends cant play for 20 years! Not to worry

 

[anita22]

I think over time it's normal to grow apart from friends you had in high school, especially if you have had very different experiences or have been living far apart since you left school, or are just doing different stuff. Everyone goes on their seperate paths to some degree, it doesn't necessarily mean you've stopped liking them or that you're a bad person / bad friend, I think it's just what happens.

Also once you have left school and are busy with university / work / whatever else, it's perfectly OK to need time to yourself and/or to recharge. So don't read too much into it.

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

Yeah my mom has some friends she talks to a lot on the phone. Occasionally if they live within the city they'll visit each other. They just seem pretty close though, talking on the phone for hours and hours.

I agree with what you had basically said it's sort of like the saying, "It's not the quantity but quality that matters". But I just feel that none of us are that close anymore.

Yes we do have fun when we actually do get together but there is still that "space" I guess you could call it between us. It's like that thing we had that made us so close before isn't really all there anymore. I find that they can still somewhat confide in me a bit about their problems but I feel like I can't really confide with them about my biggest problems. The friend who texted me last night, I've noticed has been telling me all about what's going on in her life and when it comes to my turn to say what is going on with me, I just tell her that I have a lot going on right now and that's it. She'll always ask if I wanted to talk about it and I just tell her no it's okay and try to change the subject. Idk if it's a trust issue I'm having with people in general or if it's me just trying to not relying on someone else to solve my problems? I use to be a really open person with them, now I don't want them to know about the hell I'm going through trying to deal with all the negative things that keep coming up in my life. I just don't want to be like a debbie downer all the time.

I really do want to take that extra step and make an effort to see them more. The problem with our schedules just keeps coming up. I always tell them my availability for the next week or two but they won't know their schedule for whatever reason. I think I'm going to tell them to figure out what their schedule is and get back at me and I'll let them know what mines is. So we can compare and figure out what times are best for us to get together. I want so badly for things to be the way they use to be, a part of me knows that it won't ever be completely the same cause we're getting older. And it just makes me feel so sad.

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

Quote:

Originally Posted by anita22 I think over time it's normal to grow apart from friends you had in high school, especially if you have had very different experiences or have been living far apart since you left school, or are just doing different stuff. Everyone goes on their seperate paths to some degree, it doesn't necessarily mean you've stopped liking them or that you're a bad person / bad friend, I think it's just what happens. Also once you have left school and are busy with university / work / whatever else, it's perfectly OK to need time to yourself and/or to recharge. So don't read too much into it.

I do agree that all of us right now are in different places in our lives and focusing on somewhat of the same things to a degree (school, work, etc). But we're still on different pages. I've noticed that we have a harder time trying to find things to relate to besides work and being broke lol.

I've just been in this phase of , "I need alone time" since senior year and right now I'm kind of getting tired of it. There was a certain person who said to me that I should start LIVING my life while I still can or else I'll regret it. For some reason that really got to me cause I realized that I wasn't really living my life to it's fullest. I want to look back when I'm 80 years old lol and think of these times in my life as the fondest not as the most unhappiest or boring of times.

 

[sweatpea559]

I don't think you are avoiding them, but you sound a lot like me. I'm the same way with my friends. There are only a couple of them I actually talk to frequently. We used to be so close but now whenever we hang out it's just not the same. I don't even enjoy being with them. They are all still really close to each other though, it's just me that has changed. I think me and you are around the same age. I graduated in 2008 as well and went to university last year. I think this is where it started because all of my friends went to community college. I just feel like we don't have that much in common anymore and that they don't understand me and my life. I don't know if you're feeling any of those same feelings. It also makes you feel like a loser for not going out and having fun...

I can totally relate on feeling like the best times of your life are just passing you by! Sometimes I get depressed because I never go out with my friends but then I think about it and realize I don't even WANT to go out. I think we are brainwashed into believing we should be doing certain things and so we feel bad about not conforming to these types of things.

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

^^ I can't believe how much you summed up how I felt in 1 post girl! I feel practically the same way.

It's just that my friends and I have lost that common ground that really bonded us together. I've been trying to find something I could relate to with them besides work and I'm even at the point where I'm going to be forcing myself to start school soon just so that I could have a bit more in common with them. There are other reasons behind why I want to do that though also, which includes the fact that I feel like I am not doing a single productive thing with my life right now. And that I'm not living life to the fullest at all. I just feel sooo lost...

All of my friends seem to have fully taken advantage of the fact that were adults now and with that it comes new opportunities, experiences, and a big sense of independence. This is a good thing but yet for me I can't help but still feel overwhelmed. Like I'm not totally comfortable with taking advantage of every aspect of being an adult now. I have had friends who were all like WTF? when they would call me at night (after 7) asking if I wanted to come out and do this or that with them and I'd tell them that I can't cause it's too late for me to go out and that my mom will have a fit if I do. Then I'll get the whole, "What are you going to do when you turn 19 this year? Still listen to everything your parents tell you to do?!". Idk, I just feel that not only since I'm living with my parents should I respect them but I need boundaries too just like I did when I was a kid. It just keeps me out of trouble to be honest. People just can't seem to understand that.

A guyfriend of mines called to hang out yesterday and I didn't feel like it AT ALL. Not only did I force myself to go out but my mom told me that I should too. She was quite lenient about my "curfew" also. I actually ended up having a lot of fun. I liked the feeling and I really want to somehow find time and put in the effort to have fun more often with friends.

 

[Orchid_28]

I feel the same way as you do. There are times when I get lonely and wished I had close friends to talk with like the women in Sex and the City hehe. I had a friend who invited me to her 21st b-day and I was excited because she was finally 21 and that we were going out into the city to go bar hopping and there was a festival going on. Then she had a change of plans and decided to go somewhere else and I told her I couldnt because I didnt have money for that. So she got upset and told me that she would plan better for me next time. Im like what! no thats not what I was thinking! I havent heard from her since then. I just wished she understood my financial situation.

Then I have another friend from highschool who I only talk with a couple times a year and thats about it. Most of the time she is busy studying her nursing and spending time with her family. And for the rest of my highschool friends they have gone off to other citiies and colleges and lost contact with them.

I dont think we are avoiding our friends...its all just bad timing and there are just some things we have to sacrifice. BUT there is still time to make new friends and have fun. I always look at my mom and realize that she didnt have any friends for 10 years...she only had her family and NOW she has a lot of friends and is having the time of her life with them so we still have years ahead of us to make friends and enjoy life.