Am I turning into that loser guy who can't get laid?

[X4biddenxLustX]

Crazy title I know but that's exactly how I feel right now. The only thing I'm missing is well a penis!

I recently decided to get out of a on and off type open relationship I've been in for almost going on 4 years with the same guy. Basically I felt really resentful towards him and can't find myself getting over those things. I also could no longer deal with the fact that I don't feel like I'm anywhere near on his top list of priorities for him even as just friends. If any of you are familiar from my earlier posts forever ago about a guy who can't commit to me, yes that is the guy I'm talking about now. I know, I know I should have left him a longggg time ago but I didn't and that just leads me to where I am right now - single and totally nottt getting laid.

Because we had I guess you could technically categorize it as an open relationship, he was with other girls to my disappointment and dismay when I was faithful to him. That is what I was referring to when I said I'm feeling resentful of him. So I decided to do the same since it was "okay" for him to do the same. Before we broke it off I guess I ended up hooking up with another guy who I had hooked up with before a few times. I decided to do that purely for physical pleasure nothing more, it was just sex. But obviously me and the dude end up splitting and I've tried getting the other guy to come have sex with me again but he won't!!!! It's either cause he's trying to talk to some girls and have a relationship with them (he's the type whose "sensitive" and likes to be in relationships for the sake of just being in one) or finds it amusing and a huge boost to his ego to play games with me even just over sex. He actually admitted that to me once. Anyways tonight I messaged him and asked if he wanted to come over this week and he totally ignores me. Meanwhile seriously for some reason it feels like 99% of the people around me are getting into relationships so the guys are taken, not that I was really ever interested in them but it's just like now they're not even an option for me at this point for a bootycall!!!! Like all these testosterone wielding men are all of the sudden turning into men who are sensitive with emotions and aren't afraid to show them and they all want to be in or already am in relationships with girls. It's like they're turning into chicks (not to try to stereotype or anything but you get what I mean!)!!!! This would of been fine when I did WANT a relationship and all that jazz instead of just sex with a guy but I'm feeling the total opposite. All I want is sex and having a high sex drive with ridiculously high standards for men (even ones I have sex with. yes I'll admit it, I'm a bit shallow.) is seriously messing up with my sex life!

Right now I just feel like total crap about myself. Like I'm seriously asking myself what's so wrong with me that men don't even want to have sex with me all of the sudden?! The fact that all these men are now entering relationships or want to be in one doesn't help me out at all. I just don't know what to do. Why is it that when I'm finally trying to take control over my life and sex life back that this happens? I thought it was suppose to be fun and adventurous being single again! But I was sooo wrong cause instead I feel like I'm turning into that loser that never ever gets laid =[

 

[Cydonian]

It could be your age -- there's a point where natural progression and life maturity sets in and people start settling down and saying vows to each other. I'm not saying you're immature for what you're wanting, but that the other people around you are probably just moving into that next step in life.

I have a few younger female friends who are still in that sleeping around stage and don't understand how I go months without seeing my fiance and not sleeping with anyone else or even doing anything for myself. It's worth it to me but when I was younger, yeah... I probably wouldn't have. Neither would he even 3-4 years ago. But I'm 23, he's 30, we're sort of over dating and sleeping around. We're happy.

Don't feel bad -- you're sort of going through a phase and don't take it out on yourself. I'm sure you're beautiful and amazing and just haven't found the right guy to see that yet

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

I never really seen it that way before, that it could be a phase type thing. Good point! I'm 19 right now and the all the people that I was referring to who are suddenly entering relationships or trying WAYY too hard to be in one are around my age too. It's just as if they are all in a rush to find their "soulmates", fall in love and plan the rest of their happily ever after lives together. And that's just well totally not me. I have a more harsh realistic and maybe cynical view on relationships and love. Especially at this point, looking for anything more than simple fun with a guy is not for me. In a way I will admit though that even though it's not really what I want, I do feel a lot of pressure to just sort of give in and find some guy just to I guess maybe fit in with the crowd a bit better. But luckily my better judgement kicks in cause if I did that I wouldn't be completely happy either.

I think too that after being in a relationship where I had to keep giving and almost getting nothing back in return has made me a bit selfish too. Like I'm tired of being the one who does everything. I finally want something for myself.

 

[snowflakelashes]

^^I think Cy hit it on the head, It's not the same for everyone but generally most of my male friends have gotten married/engaged in the past 5-6 years, after 25. Some of them were in serious relationships before that but for most of them, finding 'the one' or 'making it work' seemed to become more of a priority.

You mention your standards, are they all physical standards? Or are they personality standards also if you want someone you can talk to but then don't form a connection with that might be hard. If you care about someone as a friend and add sex to the mix, it's not always as easy for everyone to seperate the friendship from the benefits. ?

Dunno, you're definitely not a loser, the guys you are hanging out with just aren't in the same place that you are in.

 

[kenoki]

Quote:

Originally Posted by X4biddenxLustX I never really seen it that way before, that it could be a phase type thing. Good point! I'm 19 right now and the all the people that I was referring to who are suddenly entering relationships or trying WAYY too hard to be in one are around my age too. It's just as if they are all in a rush to find their "soulmates", fall in love and plan the rest of their happily ever after lives together. And that's just well totally not me. I have a more harsh realistic and maybe cynical view on relationships and love. Especially at this point, looking for anything more than simple fun with a guy is not for me. In a way I will admit though that even though it's not really what I want, I do feel a lot of pressure to just sort of give in and find some guy just to I guess maybe fit in with the crowd a bit better. But luckily my better judgment kicks in cause if I did that I wouldn't be completely happy either. I think too that after being in a relationship where I had to keep giving and almost getting nothing back in return has made me a bit selfish too. Like I'm tired of being the one who does everything. I finally want something for myself.

I totally agree with Cydonian. Almost exactly what I was thinking. You're getting older. There will always be people who aren't interested in seriously partnering up, but they will be less and less. Get ready to start witnessing babies popping up all over and divorces too. It's kind of weird. You'll start to find more people experimenting with stable (or at least monogamous) relationships... it's all practice for the real deal should it come along. A lot of over-romanticizing and drama at that age too. But it can be fun while it lasts!

As for dudes becoming more "like chicks." In a sense, you are right. The y chromosome has lost 1300 of it's 1400 (or so) genes. It's literally disappearing. They say the Y chromosome will be entirely gone within 10 million years... Which means... We will be a world full of women. Take advantage of what is left now!

 

[snowflakelashes]

^^PS, I see now that you're 19... It's definitely just the guys you are hanging out with. They're are plenty of guys who want JUST sex at your age (or in the ballpark, early 20's) but they are generally not the type that you probably hang out with too. All my guy friends in college were relationship sweethearts, infact until they found girlfriends I ended up as stand in a LOT for the talking they needed to do, or the cuddling they needed etc. You're probably just attracting lots like that at the moment?

 

[kaliraksha]

Don't feel bad! A) You're insanely hot. B)You are just barking up the wrong trees. Most guy friends are going to treat you the way you mentioned if you're just a bootycall. I think being a bootycall and maybe even f*#$buddies with friends might lead to you getting hurt again. This one guy friend likes to play games with you? Uhh... you need to go out and make friends with other people who like to go out and meet guys and have fun. Nothing wrong with having sex for pleasure or having a high sex drive and there are people out there that are looking for exactly what you want to offer. You just need to know where to look.

 

[marusia]

Hon, be careful what you wish for...I was in the same frame of mind. Less than a month later I was knocked up (and am still feeling trapped with him. argh.)

 

[abbyquack]

I am going to a relationship counselor w/ my husband, and one interesting thing she pointed out, is the way we feel about ourselves attracts certain people, and if we don't change that, we will constantly attract the same people. For example, I feel like I'm not good enough, I'm a disappointment, I am not worthy, etc. So I always tend to attract people who perpetuate that. I married a man who, as amazing as he is, is very good at seeing people's flaws, especially mine. He picks me apart in his mind all the time. I notice that my past relationships have been the same- no guy has really gone out of his way to be with me or be overly kind, and I let it happen. And my counselor pointed out that even if I got divorced, I would end up w/ the same kind of person, so I might as well work on myself and my relationship NOW, before ending up in the same bad relationship later.

The point I'm making is, the way you feel about yourself can attract the wrong guys, or not attract any at all!

So you need to start looking inward and make sure you realize how beautiful and worth it you are. And may I say, I did hook up w/ a good amount of guys casually, but it's definitely not very respectful to yourself- you are worth sooooo much more than that! I look back and honestly, I wish I had been more particular w/ who I gave it up to.

And you know, they say that when you're looking hard to get w/ a guy, none come around, but when you're not looking, plenty come your way. That's because when you are focusing on YOU and truly enjoying your life, it shows, and is definitely attractive.

I will also agree somewhat that age brings maturity, but I have a friend who is like 27, and she just sleeps w/ anyone, and she is constantly looking for happiness in it, but can't find it. It's sad, because she is such a wonderful person. But it goes to show that if you don't respect yourself at any age, others aren't going to, either.

Hope that helps, and sorry it's so long!

 

[Cydonian]

Quote:

Originally Posted by X4biddenxLustX I never really seen it that way before, that it could be a phase type thing. Good point! I'm 19 right now and the all the people that I was referring to who are suddenly entering relationships or trying WAYY too hard to be in one are around my age too. It's just as if they are all in a rush to find their "soulmates", fall in love and plan the rest of their happily ever after lives together. And that's just well totally not me. I have a more harsh realistic and maybe cynical view on relationships and love. Especially at this point, looking for anything more than simple fun with a guy is not for me. In a way I will admit though that even though it's not really what I want, I do feel a lot of pressure to just sort of give in and find some guy just to I guess maybe fit in with the crowd a bit better. But luckily my better judgement kicks in cause if I did that I wouldn't be completely happy either. I think too that after being in a relationship where I had to keep giving and almost getting nothing back in return has made me a bit selfish too. Like I'm tired of being the one who does everything. I finally want something for myself.

You'll understand when (and I say WHEN and not IF for a reason... because you will find it) you find true love for yourself. Not saying that all of the people you know have really found it, as I doubt that, but if you're patient enough, I believe that it comes to everyone. You won't understand it right now because you haven't experienced it... you can't know what something tastes like unless you've eaten it, right?

I was in a drab, stale relationship for over 3 years until I met my (now) fiance. We lived together and barely spoke, wouldn't sleep together for months, no kissing, no I love you... I thought that was how it was supposed to be. Then I realized I wasn't happy, left him, and reconnected with my fiance a little while later (we were old friends) and I suddenly understood. Everything made sense. I hope that happens for you, I really do

Until then, just be careful. Like I said, I won't advocate or talk against sleeping around, just be safe.

 

[LMD84]

honestly sweetie i don't think it's you! these guys have offered great advice! so try meeting different guys that would be interested in sleeping with you.

on a side note if your sex drive is making you crazy you could always get some sex toys to tide you over. i know it's not the same as having an actual guy there but your mind can be one powerful thing and you can imagine any guy you want that way!

 

[marusia]

Call me horrible, but I've had vibes that were better than any man I've ever met.

 

[Shimmer]

Hot chicks are great.
Hot needy chicks are not.

Which one are you?

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

Okay, so i'm really mad cause i wrote a super long response to all the post that you lovely ladies have posted on here but my brother exed out on my tab, SMH! So I'll try to write down as much as I can that I remembered typing!

I've always tend to attract the wrong type of men in relationships so I do agree with what Abbyquack said about how we tend to attract certain types of people and that these things don't tend to change. The ex (who I still hang out with and am friends with) was actually by far the best guy I've actually been with. Yes he feared commitment and boredom in a relationship worse than the black plague, had a nasty temper at times, was jealous, makes unrealistic decisions and I could seriously go on and on. But compared to other men in my past he's prince charming. All of this has just caused me to be turned off in a way when it comes to men (not that I'll be going to the other team anytime soon lol) and especially relationships. Plus I do enjoy being able to breathe and now have some freedom too.

I guess all of that does play in a part when it comes to my ridiculously high standards even for a bootycall. Cause believe me if I wasn't this picky I'd pretty much settle for any decently looking guy right now. I'm picky when it comes to guys both physically and personality wise. Now I don't want to buddy buddy with the guy but I do like having somewhat of a "connection" with them where we can actually have a conversation and laugh a little bit besides just having sex. I don't want to sleep with a total stranger if that makes any sense but at the same time I don't wanna just be able to call them up just to hang out cause we're friends either. I just don't want emotional attachment. Being a woman I feel like we do tend to get a bit attached to men easier than they do with us. So that's just a no no for me. There's a certain guy whose been pursuing me for a while now but with no avail. I don't find him all that physically pleasing, he's just okay to me nothing more. But he is just so arrogant, cocky, and such a liar and that just totally turned me off.

As for how these guys who just want bootycalls treat me, I don't really care that much as long as they respect my limits, aren't total psychos and are at least just nice to me. It's really just sex again I'm not trying to look for anything more from them. The issue is ladies, I don't know where to find men who are just interested in just sex?! At least ones that I may be slightly interested in either. I wished I wasn't so choosey =[

Something that really bugs me about men who do try to have sex with you, is over pursuit. The one guy that I had sex with a few weeks ago (I had known him for a few years and he had asked me out years ago. We reconnected again on facebook) talked to me at least once a day everyday for over a month. Like not a day would really go by without getting a message or text from him. For the most part we had normal convos about random stuff. He did tell me during that time that he was interested in having sex with me if I ever let him but never made a huge deal about it until I agreed to later on. I just felt like it was total over kill for him to of have talked to me that much and was that persistent JUST to have sex with me. I wished that along with him and the rest of the other men out there were just blunt about their intentions. I'm like terribly afraid of falling for a guy who doesn't feel the same way for me. It's things like this that confuse and freak me out. Cause I'll start getting to know the guy and may start liking him. I'll think that he actually likes me for me but in reality that's far from true. when it comes to me men seriously don't need to sweet talk, wine and dine me to bed.

As for being needy, yes I admit that I am. Men always say that they have "needs" but women do too. Some have more "needs" than others lol. I just find it weird that men don't like a woman practically offering herself to them. In my head at least men are total sex crazed creatures, okay okay that was a bit stereotyping but that's how I see them as in my mind. It just makes no sense for them to choose looking for a relationship if their single over sex. But I mean after all, all I'm really needing from them is sex, nothing more!

I have a vibrator that I have yet to use. I bought it as sort of a joke on a trip to the sex shop with a group of goofy friends. I honestly feel really weird about using toys just cause it's not a man physically pleasing me I guess? Maybe one day I'll try it lol... But I do masturbate a lot though and it helps a little bit, not a lot though. And yes I definitely use protection! I'm on birth control and although me and the ex didn't use condoms while I was on birth control, I always use a condom with other guys though. ALWAYS. There's way too many things out there in this world. Plus I'm totally not ready to get pregnant for at least the next 10 years!

I feel like a part of this is effecting my self esteem too. This is going to sound horrible. But there is a correlation between how I feel about myself and how much attention men pay to me sexually. I know I know, I shouldn't base my self esteem on that but I can't help but find the fact that men find me sexually appealing exciting. I do however want to find ways somehow to make myself feel good about myself without that. It isn't healthy and I recognize that. I just don't know how though or where to even start...

 

[Shimmer]

You need way more help than any messageboard/forum can provide. We can sit here and spout sunshine and rainbows and bunny rabbits to you all day long, but truth be told, the answers you're seeking are only going to come through a combination of psychological help and deep self evaluation.

 

[ashley8119]

I suggest using your vibrator that you purchased. I have one and I have no need for a man to please me, because I am more than capable of fulfilling myself better than a man's penis could. Also, the stimulation that a vibrator delivers will give you a more intense and more satisfactory orgasm than a man can give you. That's just the fact. There's nothing wrong with masturbating, give it a try and enjoy it!

 

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ashley8119 I suggest using your vibrator that you purchased. I have one and I have no need for a man to please me, because I am more than capable of fulfilling myself better than a man's penis could. Also, the stimulation that a vibrator delivers will give you a more intense and more satisfactory orgasm than a man can give you. That's just the fact. There's nothing wrong with masturbating, give it a try and enjoy it!

That's not a fact, that's simply an anecdotal statement.

 

[Meisje]

To the original poster...

My advice for people who are very, very concerned with finding a relationship and the ins and outs of "finding" someone is always the same --- stop searching so hard. Go do stuff you want to do. Focus on your other goals in life (and if you don't have other goals... find some. You will have nothing to contribute to a relationship if your only goal is "significant other.")

When you begin actually living, and lose interest in compromising or sitting around waiting for some guy to pay you attention --- you will find someone.

And to answer your bit about guys not wanting to sleep with a girl even though she throws herself at them... That's because everyone hates desperation, and they can definitely tell the difference between a girl who is confident, relaxed and looking for no-strings sex and a girl who thinks offering herself for sex in order to attempt to force intimacy.

 

[xxsgtigressxx]

I personally think you need to makeover your outlook towards yourself. Men don't want (for longer than ONE night) a girl thats going to offer herself up so easily. Unfortunately you might be making yourself out to be (and this is going to sound so harsh and it isn't nessecarily true but it may be percieved this way)desperate and somewhat clingy. EVEN if you are desperate, do NOT ever let a man see you in this light. You need to start treating yourself differently, may sound cliche but your body is a temple. There is nothing wrong with unattached sex if you can truly handle it and you are respecting yourself. And if a guy has no interest in spending another night with you, you need to act if not BELIEVE that it is no sweat off your back and you are not going to give him the satisfaction of calling or texting him again to hang out. You need to let yourself be pursued. And you need to stop compromising yourself. If you don't treat yourself with respect, no one else is going to treat you with respect. This is probably why your ex continued to hurt you, because you LET him continue to hurt you. You deserve better and you need to make sure others understand that as well. Try to get in touch with yourself and learn to love yourself more. Men are attracted to women with confidence, and they love the chase.

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

Whoah it's been a while since I've been on here and stumbled on this thread again lol.

But I get what everyone is saying about how a man loves a girl with confidence and isn't desperate about things. It's just hard not to be when you want something and don't want to "play games" and do the run around with things. I just guess that I'm taking this whole be up front and blunt about things approach a bit wrong.

I'm now currently at a point where I've stopped trying with other guys. I'm not really attracted to any guys right now physically or even find them remotely interesting enough to want to have sex with them. But I have a feeling I may want a guy sometime soon in the future though as long as we set boundaries and stuff. I"m not looking for anything beyond sex and maybe a good conversation with a guy right now.

Me and the ex are still talking and we're still having sex. Things are just as turbulent as before but I'm not letting it bother me so much due to the fact that I really realized that even if he did want to be commited to me, it would never ever work out. Things would just be 10x times than what they are now. Some days I wonder if I'm still only with him just for some convenient sex and a friend on days when I'm bored alone at home or what. I mean I will always love him and consider him a good friend of mines but there's just moments where I feel that I was putting him on a pedestal and making him out to be this and that when really he's not. It's like I always wanted to see all the "good" in him never the bad but now I'm starting to really see it.